by John Walters

A Medium Happy 47th to Stacy’s mom….

Starting Five

“And What Is Aleppo?”

I don’t know, Gary Johnson: Is it a male erectile dysfunction prescription drug? A sixth Marx Brother? Is it related to a hippo?

I was watching live on MSNBC yesterday when Mike Barnicle asked Johnson a very straight-forward question about the city that is at the epicenter of the Syrian refugee crisis—it was not a gotcha question—and I couldn’t believe it when the former New Mexico governor had that reply. I thought, Wow, I’ve never seen a man implode his own candidacy live on TV.

Still, is this really any worse than some (most) of the things Donald Trump has said in the past 14 months? Is it much worse than Trump, when asked two nights ago by Matt Lauer what READING he had done to learn about foreign policy, pulling a list out of his blazer pocket that supposedly had the names of generals (New Jersey Generals?) who support him, as if that’s an adequate response?

Johnson messed up; later in the day, he owned it. The truth is that if he were in the White House, an aide would get him up to speed on this in five minutes and we’d all move on.

As Barack Obama’s approval rating goes up another few digits….

2. Austin…Power

Yankee rookie first baseman Tyler Austin was called up to the big leagues on Saturday, August 13. In that time the Baby Bomber has three home runs: one in his first at-bat, one on his 25th birthday (this past Tuesday) and one last night, a two-out, full-count, bottom of the ninth solo walk-off shot to lead the Bombers to their fifth straight victory.

It was a right-field bleacher shot that is an out in many ballparks, but it was good enough here to lift the Pinstripes to a season-high nine games over .500.

Austin is, as Phil Rizzuto would say, “A good-looking young ball player.”

I’ve been watching New York pretty much every night for the past three weeks. This is an entirely different team, if not lineup, than the one Alex Rodriguez bid adieu to….you’ve got to give Hal Steinbrenner, Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi credit. It may be too much to say that they knew what they were doing, but their plan worked to perfection.

A team that was 56-56 three days before A-Rod “retired” is now 74-65 and just two games out of a wildcard position, and four out of first place.

Want just one example of how the Yankees have turned things around?  Young pitcher Luis Severino: The 22 year-old was 0-8 as a starter with a 8.58 ERA before the turnaround and being demoted to Triple-A. The Yanks have since brought him up as a middle reliever and he has yet to allow a run in 14-plus innings while allowing just two hits to 50 batters face (.044 batting average against).

It’s September. Everyone believes in their team. But the Yanks, who have won eight of their past 10 series (losing both to Baltimore), have that look. And what’s crazier, it’s that the New York Yankees, for the first time since maybe 1996, are the young, plucky, likable underdogs.

3. Helmet Cam

NFL spokesman: “Cam had no indications of a concussion.” Child, please.

In Denver, you’ll see fewer head shots at the Donna Baldwin Talent Agency than you did at Invesco Field last night. The Broncos, as they did in the AFC Championship Game versus New England, were just teeing off at offensive players’ helmets. The worst I saw was that late hit on Panther QB Cam Newton that should have cost Denver the game (if Graham Gano had made the field goal).

It was funny to hear Cris Collinsworth say something like, “You just have to wonder how Cam is feeling and about his health,” which is nice, but it would have been more honest to say, “Well, that’s going to make a great ESPN tinkling piano segment in 10-15 years when Cam is dripping porridge from his lips, seated in a semi-lit room, as he struggles to remember the names of his children.”

Because that’s what going on here. I don’t know if the NFL has a targeting automatic ejection penalty (one of you can tell me, I hope), but it needs to have one. And I don’t know why the NFL pretends to care about its players, or talks about having independent medical professionals on the field to diagnose concussions, if all’s they’re going to do is let obviously concussed players continue playing because 1) they don’t want to come out and 2) does anyone watching the final two minutes of that game NOT want to see Cam Newton on the field?

Make no mistake: The Broncos are head-hunters. And it’s working for them. So why stop?

4. Fraulein on the Baseline

Kerber, 28, will battle Serena Karolina Pliskova in the women’s final….

If you don’t know Angelique Kerber, she’s Germany’s answer to Maria Sharapova. The 28 year-old Bremen native was probably expecting to face Serena Williams in the U.S. Open Women’s final on Saturday, but Serena lost to Karolina Pliskova, keeping her stuck on 22 Grans Slams (tied with Steffi Graf in the Open era).

No matter what happens on Saturday Kerber, who won her first career Grand Slam title last January in Melbourne, will be the WTA No. 1 next week. She’s the first German No. 1 since…Steffi Graf.

5. Eight Days a Week

It hasn’t received as much TV ad support as Sully (what has?), but one week from today a Ron Howard documentary about the early days of Beatlemania will be released. Both surviving members of the Fab Four take part and the trailer looks outstanding. This was before my time, but I’d wager that the Beatles were the greatest pop culture phenomenon of the 20th century (sorry, Star Wars fans). For the record: the Beatles played their final concert 50 years ago on August 29, 1966.

“Pa, help me if you can. I’m feeling down.”

In 1964 Howard was no less famous than John, Paul, George and Ringo, as he played Opie on The Andy Griffith Show, which ran from 1960-68 and was the No. 4 rated show in the U.S.A. when the British Invasion hit.

Music 101

I Remember You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivFYVAntpw0

How many musicians go from being lead singer of hair-metal gods Skid Row to the same role for VW bus-touring, Stars Hollow rockers Hep Alien? Take a bow, Sebastian Bach. This 1989 power ballad is Peak Hair Metal (it soared to No. 6 on the charts), and somewhere an old friend of mine who once worked for the Chicago Tribune is banging the back of his cranium against the driver’s seat headrest.

True story: I was once at a party thrown by Chris Fowler’s future wife. Skid Row guitarist Dave “The Snake” Szabo, a central Jersey native like myself, was there. We chatted (we interrupt this anecdote to remind you I was in way over my head being at this party). He told me a great story about talent. Szabo, as a precociously talented teen, was hanging out with Jon Bon Jovi, a few years older. He showed JBJ that he could play basically any song and asked him what separates JBJ and other rock stars from himself. And JBJ just looked at him, handed him a guitar, and said, “Write a hit.”

Remote Patrol

Patriots at Cardinals

Sunday NBC 8:30 p.m.

The Pats return to a venue that has been the scene of Bill Belichick’s greatest pain and also perhaps triumph, but without Tom Brady. The Cardinals are expecting to go very far this season. NBC has itself a gem. Best game of the weekend. It’s G-A-R-O-P-P-O-L-O.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 75th to this sociable socialist

Starting Five

A hole lotta love

Hit The Road, Jack

The Apple iPhone 7 event took place yesterday in San Francisco with the requisite upgrading, price-raising, pretentious Gavin Belson-esque pronouncements (“the courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us,” Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller told the audience about the decision to remove the headphone jack).

“Can’t get used to losing you/No matter what I try to do/Gonna spend my whole life through/Losing you…”

The iPhone 7 will be water-resistant, as opposed to water-proof, and will retail at $649 (and then Samsung will build a cheaper knockoff). They also come in high-gloss black or, if you are a fan of new college football helmets, matte-black. Also, Apple will produce wireless headphones (that you’ll lose very quickly) that will cost $159.

Here were the 11 biggest takeaways from the event according to The Verge, including iOS10, which means you’re going to get all these notifications on your phone that, if you are me, you’ll ignore for six months until some millennial looks at your phone and wonders why the heck haven’t you downloaded this yet?

2. Take The Oil and Run

Appearing on the “Commander-in-Chief Forum” on NBC last night, GOP nominee Donald Trump offered is solution as to what to do after the U.S. and allies defeat ISIS: “Take the oil.” Which is basically a Woody Allen movie plot from the Seventies.

Trump noted that the Iraq War was a terrible mistake (because after all, Iraq under Saddam may not have been a beacon of human rights, but it didn’t have anything to do with 9/11 nor did it possess “weapons of mass destruction”) but that, as long as we were there, we should’ve taken the oil. It’s like, I thought my hotel room was 433, but I’ve mistakenly walked in to Room 434, but as long as I’m here, I’m going to take all your cash and have sex with your wife.

So, basically, after defeating a shadowy group of Islamic radicals, Trump proposes raping a country of its most valuable natural resource (because who’s going to stop us?), which of course would in no way engender even more hostility and outright hatred for the USA from the tens of millions of people left behind in that country who currently have no bone to pick with the USA. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the world would wonder, “So you invaded a country that did nothing to provoke you, plundered their assets, and then went home and beat your chests about ‘Liberty!’ and being the greatest country in the world? You sound a lot like Russia…or Nazi Germany.”

2. Murray Slaughtered Beaten In Five Sets*

Murray made three Grand Slam finals this year, winning one.

*The judges could not resist ** “Oh, Mr. Graaaaaant!”

In men’s quarterfinal action yesterday at the U.S. Open, Andy Murray, Great Britain’s answer to Andy Roddick, lost in five sets to Kei Nishikori, 1-6, 6-4, 4-6, 6-1, 7-5. Murray, the No. 2 seed who won Wimbledon two months ago, was attempting to advance to his fourth Grand Slam final of 2016 (Did you know that? I didn’t know that! I bet Matt Zemek knew that).

Anyway, Nishikori will play Stan Wawrinka in one semi while Novak Djokovic and Serean Williams are still on track to win their 13th and 23rd Grand Slams, respectively, which makes them legen…wait for it…dary.

4, Pete Picks Pitt

Medium Happy favorite Tyler Matakevich (53), a seventh-round pick, will lead Iron City to a Super Bowl win

With the NFL opening its season tonight (an uninspired pairing of Super Bowl L teams Denver and Carolina), the most valuable man at Sports Illustrated, Peter King, has made his Super Bowl Long Island (LI) pick: Pittsburgh over Green Bay, 30-23, in Houston.

Wait, you ask, haven’t they met before? Yes, six years ago in Super Bowl XLV, which was also in Texas. The Packers beat the Steelers in that one, 31-25.

The Medium Happy staff likes the Pottsville Maroons to narrowly edge the Providence Steam Roller.

5. Tiger Times

The tumor is located near the eye of the tiger

In Tiger news, Tiger Woods has announced that he is returning to the golf next month. The 14-time major winner is scheduled to play three events this autumn, beginning with the Safeway Open in Napa, California (I’ll go! I’ll go!). Then he’ll play an event in Turkey (like, not the safest place to be) and then the Bahamas.

Meanwhileancer, LSU’s Mike the Tiger VI won’t attend LSU home games this fall as he is fighting cancer. But it seems to be curable. He had a tumor in his face. Damn. On the other hand, this should make a very misty Tom Rinaldi piece on College GameDay.

Music 101

Blow Me (One Last Kiss)

Alice Beth Moore, a.k.a. Pink, turns 37 today. Happy birthday to her. She’s always come off as the blackest white chick in music. This song came out in 2012 and was yet another top ten hit for the Philly native. At the time only two females singers had more top ten hits this millennium: Beyonce and Rihanna.

Remote Patrol

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Comedy Central 9 p.m.

Glaser

If you missed Monday night’s premiere, here’s your chance to catch it (besides, Broncos-Panthers is kind of a repeat). It’s a bizarre panel—Pete Davidson, Jewel, Ralph Macchio and Ann Coulter—but there are some truly nasty and funny lines here. Don’t miss Jewel, Nikki Glaser or Brit-wit Jimmy Carr.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 66th to Julie Kavner, voice of Marge Simpson

Starting Five

This guy has 25 home runs since the All-Star break, and 39 overall. This guy.

Bull Dozier

What is happening in Minnesota, where last night Twins second baseman Brian Dozier hit his 25th home run since the All-Star break? Dozier, who stands 5’11”, 198 pounds, hit 14 home runs before the All-Star Game, which comes just after the midway point of the season. Now Dozier, a five-year vet, will likely double his home-run total for the season post-All Star Game as opposed to pre. He hit three home runs on Monday night against Kansas City.

PEDs?

Earlier this morning—before even MH woke up!—the Washington Post did a 10-meter platform dive into Dozier’s second-half numbers and here’s what really caught my eye for the former Southern Miss player who hit 16 home runs for the Golden Eagles in four seasons: he has a good chance to hit 30 post-Break home runs, and of the dozen players in history who have done that, only three are not in the Hall of Fame: Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds.

Reminds of those old Disney made-for-TV movies starring Kurt Russell (The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes) in which some magic potion gives our protagonist supernatural powers.

2. Fox and Fiends

Carlson & Ailes are no Hannity & Colmes

Yesterday Fox avoided the messy revelations of discovery in a trial by writing former anchor Gretchen Carlson a check for $20 million. Couple that with the $40 million Fox paid former news division boss Roger Ailes to disappear, and that’s $60 million down the drain on a fat, lecherous scumbag with sexual predator issues. Think of all the people who lost their jobs at Fox Sports in the past five years due to budget cuts as $60 million was just wanked away. And the man responsible for all this is not the top behind-the-scenes advisor to the GOP nominee.

Working title: “Dhue Tell!”

Meanwhile, Fox has settled with other women for lesser sums while another former Fox anchor, who was a big deal in the early aughts and then became a popular figure for coming out about her alcoholism, Laurie Dhue, has said she’ll be writing a book about her experiences at Fox. Which I

3. “Summer Lovin’, Had Me A  Blast….”

And now HiddleSwift is…on the rocks (or beyond).

It was hot. And heavy.

And it’s happened to all of us. You lock eyes at the Met Gala Ball and then Anna Wintour proceeds to introduce you two. Next thing you know you’re off to the summer home in Westerly, and then Down Under on location, and you haven’t even yet learned if the other one liberally references Seinfeld yet. Or doesn’t “get” the appeal of Airplane! Or never watched The Muppets. I mean, these are deal breakers, no?

So Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift have broken up. I really liked those two kids. It may be time for Taylor to walk into an independent book store in the trendy part of London and fall for a flopsy-haired store owner with not much ambition but a fabulous set of friends and a bizarre roommate.

Taylor, you’re the one who attended a Notre Dame home football game. That is why we, the Funkhausers, side with you.

4. The Natty!

Yellowstone, our first national park

One of the true American treasures, besides Joy Behar (of course!), are our national parks. Major props to you, Teddy Roosevelt (he should also be on your personal Rushmore of presidents). Anyway, as we celebrate the centennial of America appreciating and preserving its natural beauty, let’s put down the mobile devices and tablets, not look at Deepwater Herizon as a heroic film, and maybe appreciate that nature does what man never will be able to do. Here’s Outside’s list of “100 Reasons To Love National Parks.”

5. Bring Your Binoculars

The kids will literally be overshadowed by the screen overshadowing them

I’m a big fan of Division I FBS athletes, but they don’t weigh 3,300 pounds and they don’t run at 155 m.p.h. Which is why they don’t belong anywhere near a stock car track other than to watch NASCAR.

Yes, Virginia Tech and Tennessee ARE the perfect choices to play at Bristol Motor Speedway, which sits between Blacksburg, Va., and Knoxville, Tenn., but only if you are forced to choose two teams. Otherwise, it’s an idea where the gimmick factor exponentially outweighs the appeal factor. You can also say “I was there” at a Farting Competition, but that doesn’t mean it was a good idea.

Did you enjoy how ESPN commentators over the weekend read the promos for this and then endeavored not to be critical. Like when you see an ugly baby and say, “Well, isn’t she something?”

Anyway, there will be a giant four-sided Jumbotron hovering above the field, which is what will seduce your eyes. Now if for any reason that suspended Jumbotron falls, then we’ve got a story.

Music 101

I Will Survive

Who turns 67 today? Gloria Gaynor, who sang the most popular girl-power karaoke hit of all time, though I can report that three good male friends of mine at Sports Illustrated (one who wrote a story that got turned into a movie that will be released later this month, the other the husband of a gold-medal winning basketball player) once walked into an East Village karaoke bar and belted this out with much gusto. The disco anthem hit No. 1 on the Billboard chart in 1978. Go on now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now. You’re not welcome any more.

Remote Patrol

U.S. Open 

7 p.m. ESPN2

So it was a tough call: Do I recommend a Serena Williams vs. Simona Halep (“You say, ‘Serena,” I say, “Simona,” you say Purina, I say Pomona, Serena, Simona, Purina, Pomona, let’s call the whole thing off!”) quarterfinal or yet another airing of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants starring Alexis Bledel on Oxygen (9;15 p.m.). Serena, who is vying for a record 23rd Grand Slam singles title, has yet to lose a set or have her serve broken at this tourney. Um. Focused.

War Dogs

**1/2

by Chris Corbellini

Director Todd Phillips keeps coming back to Las Vegas in his films, and it makes sense given his background as one of the drivers on the HBO series “Taxi Cab Confessions.” In the witching hours after Vegas clubs had closed, cab riders admitted to some stark, sick sh-t in that series, practically breathing Jack and coke and broken hopes all over the back of Phillips’ neck. That’s quite an apprenticeship if you want to specialize in the whacked-out-but-true.

Got a wild story? Chances are Phillips has one with at least 20 percent more batshit in it. How about THE HANGOVER – based around a bachelor party that’s so loony-tunes three friends can’t find the missing groom the morning of his wedding. It’s not hard to picture those frantic, middle-class boobs in Phillips’ cab in Vegas. And now, 20 years after his “Confessions” cab shifts, it’s also not a stretch to imagine the two gun-running bros in WAR DOGS telling him stories even more outlandish.

Unlike most weekend warrior boasting, nearly all of WAR DOGS actually went down. Indeed, if you’re going to celebrate morally bankrupt people on the big screen, you better find a story rooted in some no-fucking-way-really actual events. Not the “inspired by a true story” studio horse manure; no, The “based on a true story,” twisted stuff that made the news: a national television segment, for example, and perhaps a meaty piece by Rolling Stone magazine.

I read Guy Lawson’s “Arms and the Dudes,” which the material is based on, and it’s perfect for adapting into a big-budget summer stunner. Starting nearly a decade ago, with American wars being fought in two countries, a pair of twenty-something Miami kids made a good living off the little military contracts the big dogs didn’t want, until they land a nearly $300 million whale by offering the lowest bid. And though the bros in question talk a big game (especially over the phone), if not for arms dealing and worldwide political maneuvering, they’d likely be serving you smoothies or rubbing out your calf injury at a Miami Beach hotel, followed by a nightly ritual of sparking up a custom-made bong.  They are waaay out of their league. Yet after a fateful meeting in Vegas, they procure millions of rounds of AK-47 ammunition in Albania that’ll take care of their government’s order.

But there’s this little issue … the bullets were made in China. That’s an international problem. But what if it wasn’t? What if the rounds weren’t Chinese?, one of the bros asks. What if they repackaged them in plastic baggies and cardboard boxes? Fraud? Sure, but problem solved. And again, this all really happened. Both deserve a gold medal for bullshit – the phrase “fake it till you make it” in the flesh.

And that way of life is told through a relatively wholesome character (Miles Teller), which is the big mistake of the movie.

The movie wants to be another GOODFELLAS, complete with its own Lufthansa Heist and voice over narration explaining the life and its logistics, but Phillips only takes us halfway there. Character is everything. The narrator in GOODFELLAS is Ray Liotta’s Henry Hill, who comes off as reliable only half the time. He is, after all, a born crook. So from Hill’s point of view, the Pesci and DeNiro characters are the murderers, and in key moments he’s the peacemaker that simply loved the glamour of it all, complete with front-row tables at the Copa. Sounds like something you’d tell a district attorney after you get busted for drugs (and he does), and it works. It might not be what really happened, but it’s his version of what really happened, and wasn’t the life so amazing before his drug habit brought him down?

WAR DOGS has Teller, who, if the movie is to be believed, stays an arms dealer to raise a family right – a lovely young Cuban wife (Ana de Armas) and baby girl — and to relive some not-so-glory days with his best friend from middle school, the Jonah Hill character. When things go full sh-tstorm, it’s Teller who promises to pay people, who wants to kiss his daughter goodnight, who asks about the whereabouts of an employee, and who challenges Hill in a key moment.  His VO narration is considered the voice of reason. He tells his wife he’ll never lie to her again. And he doesn’t.

The actor does a fine job of projecting a decent enough guy spinning in a washing machine of crazy, but even if Teller’s character, David Packouz, started out that way in real life, there’s no way that industry of death didn’t sink under his skin. In the origin story in Rolling Stone, Packouz is almost bragging about what he did. You can rationalize why they got into the business, there will always be a war somewhere, and soldiers have to be outfitted with gear, so why not win that contract? But celebrating that on film? Only if the main character is full-tilt antihero – becoming as awful as the system that put all those soldiers in harm’s way.

Still, there are pockets of awesomeness in WAR DOGS. Jonah Hill screaming, “I LOVE DICK CHENEY’S AMERICA!!!!” sort of hooked me for good in Act 2. And Hill in general makes this film worth watching.

Here, the actor formerly known as Seth Rogan’s second fiddle looks like he swallowed a bowling ball, hasn’t shaved in six days, and (almost) can’t keep all the lies straight. Basically, he’s a coked-up wolverine — a not-too-distant cousin from his drooling, rabid hedgehog character in WOLF OF WALL STREET. I’ll admit I believed what Hill’s character, Efraim Diveroli, was selling during a final, fateful business meeting in an elevator. Hill used shared history and friendship as a form of currency — an all-too-common way a man-child can convince his bros to go along with the selling of their souls. But instead of a bear hug and tearful reunion, Diveroli experienced something altogether different.

Is that the lesson for being merchants of death? Probably not. At least one of them would happily go back to arms dealing if they could, and if the narrator is being honest, probably both. All that money is sitting there, between the lines and lies. And a good way to spend it, as Phillips knows, is during a bender in Sin City.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 44th to Idris Elba, who was a stud of a mentor/monster in “Beasts of No Nation”

Starting Five

Francois threw for 419 yards and 2 TDs without an interception

Ole Miss’ed Opportunity

It was not Jameis Winston’s 25 of 27 debut at Pitt on a Labor Day in 2013, but what true freshman (Jameis was a redshirt frosh) Deondre Francois did on Monday night may have been more impressive. With the Seminoles trailing 28-6 late in the first half and looking completely out-poised, Francois led them to an end-of-the-half TD and then went full Chief Osceola mode in the second half.

Florida State was up 33-28 by the end of the third and won going away, 45-34. Of course, it did not help Ole Miss that the Noles cloned their field goal kicker of the previous four seasons and that he connected on six of six field goals.

The Rebels looked like the nation’s second-best team—for 29 minutes. Now we’re reminded that four SEC West teams lost in the opening weekend, and none to each other.

2. Lowe Blows

Jewel and Nikki Glaser were on fire at this roast of Hollywood’s prettiest pretty boy

Top Roasters, ranked, at last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe:

1. Nikki Glaser 2. Jewel (yes, Jewel, who brought it and big) 3. Jimmy Carr

Top Intended Targets: 1. Ann Coulter 2. Rob Lowe 3. Peyton Manning

Too many solid jokes to recall at the moment, but Ann Coulter was so bad that, as Lowe later said, “This is one bombing you can’t blame on Muslims” and as Jeffrey Ross said, “You wrote eleven books and you can’t write one joke?” There was a moment during her speech—one in which she made a JFK joke as the camera panned to the slain president’s niece, Maria Shriver—when the camera caught Peyton scratching the side of his neck the way you do when you want to be anyplace but where you are at (I do that a lot).

3. Medium Happy Fascin’ Eight

Barrett threw a pick on Ohio State’s first series of the season, then came back nicely

For now, until we come up with a worse idea, we’ll present the Top 8 teams in the nation after each weekend’s games are concluded, as opposed to during.

1. Alabama: Handed USC its worst loss since 1966 when Notre Dame beat the Trojans 51-0, which gives us a chance to remind you that the Irish really pounded Troy that season AND won the natty. And then Nick Saban went out and hired ANOTHER fired USC head coach. Cold, Nick.
2. Houston: Cougars beat a preseason Top 4 and a last season Playoff 4 program that returned its quarterback and running back, both studs, and they controlled the second half. No fluke.
3. Florida State: Next time, Jimbo, let someone else give the pre-game speech.
4. Clemson: Not a pretty W in the loveliest village on the plain, but it’ll do for Week 1.
5. Ohio State: It was MAC-tion in the Horseshoe, but J.T. Barrett threw six touchdowns and the Buckeyes rolled up 776 points.
6. Wisconsin: Badgers showed state pride by defeating No. 5 LSU in Lambeau Field. That’s home turf.
7. Michigan: Good team plus America’s cushiest schedule til mid-October, if not Thanksgiving weekend.
8. Georgia: Nick Chubb, 222 yards, no gruesome knee hyperextensions.

–just missed the cut, we’re thinking fondly of you: Louisville, Texas, Washington, Texas A&M

4. Rafa Whiffs

Nadal has not won a Grand Slam since the spring of 2014

In case you missed it on Sunday, Rafael Nadal was up 4-2 in the fifth set on some French quasi-nobody (Lucas Pouille) and lost in the Round of 16. That marks a second consecutive year with no grand slams for the Spaniard, who never won fewer than one every year between 2008 and 2014. Nadal is stuck at 14 Grand Slams, Roger Federer is stuck on 17 ( he last won a GS in 2012) and Novak Djokovic is the favorite next weekend at Arthur Ashe Stadium to win his 13th.

Ages: Federer, 35; Nadal, 30; Djokovic, 29.

Who you got being on top when this is all said and done? I’m going with The Serbian Sensation.

5. Heartbreak in Minnesota

Wetterling

Last Thursday in Paynesville, Minnesota, Jacob Wetterling was found. The problem is that Jacob had been missing since October 22, 1989, when he was 11 years old. Danny Heinrich, a local who had recently been charged with 25 counts of child pornography, led police to a paste where they located Wetterling’s remains.

The details of Wetterling’s abduction are chilling. He, his brother and another boy were riding home from a video store at 9 p.m. (after dark) in the pretty town of St. Joe, Minn., when a gunman appeared out of the bushes, ordered them off their bikes and made them lie face down. He let the other two boys go individually, ordering them to run and not look back or he would shoot. That was the last anyone ever saw of Wetterling.

Danny Heinrich. It took a while, but we’ve finally found a worse Minnesotan than Walter Palmer.

Music 101

Wish You Were Here

Roger Waters turns 73 today, so let’s salute Pink Floyd. The title track off Floyd’s 1975 album, it was released on Spotify 38 years later and was streamed by fans one million times after only four days. It was the first song Floyd put on Spotify, but that success persuaded Waters, a Hamptons resident, to release the rest. Waters wrote this tune, an ode to former band mate Syd Barrett, who went nuts basically, but David Gilmour is the lead vocalist on it.

Remote Patrol

The Tonight Show

NBC 11:35 p.m.

For no other reason than to see Clint “Get Off My Lawn!” Eastwood barely hide his contempt for Jimmy’s juvenile antics. You think Dirty Harry is gonna play egg roulette with this punk? Well, do ya?