Starting Five

“If it’s Andy Katz again, tell him we’re not home.”

1. Open (White) House

The Open Door Policy was a great idea–in 1899. But I doubt this is what Secretary of State John Hay (“Hey!”) intended. We’re all thinking the same thing, no? If ISIS hears about this –and surely they have–they think to themselves, “Why are we bothering with journalists when we can take out the biggest prize out there?”

This is how you deal with an intruder

Ultimately, the Secret Service owes “maniacal fence jumper” Omar Gonzalez a huge debt of gratitude. He may have saved them the most egregious fail since Titanic. In the mean time, they should probably look into hiring Ohio State assistant strength coach Anthony Schlegel. 

Omar Gonzalez, White House unannounced guest

Omar Gonzalez, who did visit White House after L.A. Galaxy won the MLS Cup

One more thought: It was refreshing to see someone other than a craven politician make a run for the White House, as The New Yorker also noted.

2. Speaking of D.C. Rescues…

Rule 27, again

Just three miles southeast of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington Nationals rookie left fielder Steven Souza on Sunday demonstrated that at least someone in the nation’s capitol is deft at patrolling his patch of grass.

Souza extended all six-foot-four inches of his frame to rob Christian Yelich of the Florida Marlins of an extra-base hit on Sunday.  As you know, that was the 27th out of the game, a game in which National starter Jordan Zimmerman had yet to allow a hit. So on the final day of the season Souza’s catch served as the final out of the Marlins’ season as well as preserving Zimmernan’s no-no.

It was also the second consecutive year in which the Marlins were no-hit in Game 162. This is a team that packs its bags early.

3. My Two Jons (Johns)

If only for the title of the segment, “Chatty Chatty Bomb Bomb” the Daily Show deserves props for last night’s evisceration of U.S. legislative debate as compared to that of our former parent country, England. Yep, it’s sad. We broke away from them but they definitely have the edge on us in terms of how to run a democracy.

As Jon Stewart notes, Congressman Jack Kingston explains why our legislators are afraid to debate the “To Bomb or Not to Bomb Isis:”

”A lot of people would like to stay on the sideline and say, ‘Just bomb the place and tell us about it later,’ ” said Representative Jack Kingston, Republican of Georgia, who supports having an authorization vote. ”It’s an election year. A lot of Democrats don’t know how it would play in their party, and Republicans don’t want to change anything. We like the path we’re on now. We can denounce it if it goes bad, and praise it if it goes well and ask what took him so long.”

Oh, as Stewart notes, that’s FORMER Congressman Jack Kingston. He only spoke candidly after losing his primary.

British Invasion, post-millennium style

Meanwhile, I love this Daily Beast piece on Last Week Tonight. Why? Because the writers says, “I call bullshit” on John Oliver’s protestations that he and his staff are not doing journalism. You know what Oliver is doing here. If he admits to his staff’s actual agenda –to make the world a better place through informing us –then he loses the coveted role of clown. By maintaining that they’re just doing comedy, they avoid all the trappings of having to be a respectable news agency. Brilliant of Oliver and his staff. And good of the author of the piece, Asawin Suebsaeng, for seeing through it.

Again, the question must be asked: Why are the most trenchant news pieces of this generation taking place on Comedy Central and HBO?

4. Red Shoelace Diaries

Rinaldi wore high-top shoes with red shoelaces on Saturday (this pic is from a different Saturday) and when Herbie teased him about it, Tom stammered. Just tell us why, Tom

A casserole of leftovers from Saturday’s college football events:

From College GameDay in Columbia, S.C. It begins with Gamecock coach Steve Spurrier uttering words that every coach in the sport whose team has at least one loss (and isn’t in the SEC West) should memorize: “We’re still in the hunt…for whatever we’re in the hunt for.”

Also from GameDay, it was not the former Ohio State QB but rather the former Michigan Heisman winner, Desmond Howard, as well as host Chris Fowler (Colorado) who threw shade –kids, am I using this correctly?–on Michigan. Des: ““I didn’t see one guy (at Michigan) on the field at practice who wanted to be great.” Chris: “Other than blocking & tackling & turnovers & penalties, Michigan’s looking pretty good.”

Gurley Leap, Athens

Gurley Leep, South Bend

Michigan quarterback Shane Morris saw stars after that hit against Minnesota. Wolverine officials evaluating him on the sideline originally thought he saw five stars, but later assessed it as closer to two or three stars.

(and, yes, I recycle my Twitter jokes here; but I prefer to think of it as Twitter being my notebook for yuks).

The Medium Happy 8: 1) Alabama 2) Texas A&M 3) Oklahoma 4) Florida State 5) Oregon 6) Auburn 7) Baylor 8) UCLA

5. “That’s How It Ends…”

Fortunately, extraterrestrials will arrive to rescue us before we are fully extinct.

Washington State coach Mike Leach is an easy mark for pundits because he is not afraid to be different. That’s one reason that, for the most part, I love him. He got mocked for saying this yesterday, but most of what’s below makes perfect sense to me. Especially since I spent much of Sunday night and Monday morning in crowded airports where people spent far more time looking at their screens than interacting with one another.

“I’m not really good with technology. All this button pushing and whatnot. I mean, you can just imagine based on what’s happened in the last 15 years. Conversations won’t happen 10 years from now. There aren’t going to be people to talk to, it’s going to be this (mimics pushing buttons). ‘Do you want to go out on a date with me?’ ‘I don’t know, what do you look like?’ ‘Well I look kind of like this.’ ‘OK, what are your interests?’ ‘Well, what do you think my interests are? Looking to this thing and typing into this just like yours are.’ ‘Yeah, no kidding, that’s what everybody’s doing.’ ‘Well, where do you want to go?’ ‘Well, what difference does it make? Because all we’re going to be doing is looking into machines anyways.’ Well, that’s true and in the end, it’s going to tough to perpetuate the species. There’s no question about that. So we’re all going to look in this box and eventually be extinct. That’s how it ends.”

Looking forward to the new parlor game, though: “Rust Cohle or Mike Leach?”

Remote Patrol

I predict less than three episodes before everyone else learns not to argue with Andrea Kremer. And that’s a compliment to AK, by the way.

We Need To Talk

CBS Sports Net 10 p.m.

At least at the national level, CBS attempts to become the first to launch an all-female talk show centering on sports issues. You’d be a rube not to like the concept. I’m not totally on board with the idea of 12 rotating female panelists, but let’s give it a shot. The Distaff Dozen are:

Andrea Kremer

Summer Sanders

Katrina Adams

Laila Ali

Dara Torres

Swin Cash

Lisa Leslie

Amy Trask

Allie LaForce

Dana Jacobson

Tracy Wolfson

Lesley Visser

There’s a small coterie among this bunch who are longtime friends and drinking buddies (with one another, no with me). And I can tell you true that the conversations they’ve had at NYC holes of watering have been and would be far more candid than you’ll probably hear here. I get that. There’s also a member of this panel who once forced her publicist to lie to my editor about her having no only taken part in a national popularity contest involving her attractiveness, but having sent in a better photo of herself (while telling journalists the entire time how denigrating to women it was for such a contest to exist). By the time I had air-tight proof of the subterfuge it was too late and I was in trouble with my bosses. I have no respect for that woman, to be honest with you.

Starting Five

1. The Last Goodbye

The first pitch from Clay Buchholz was low and outside. Derek Jeter stared it through the strike zone, bending over as if to examine its course more intently. It looked like a ball, but the umpire signaled strike.

It was a meaningless early autumn game between two franchises unaccustomed to playing meaningless early autumn games. Particularly versus one another. The sky was cerulean blue, not a cloud to be seen. TBS was airing the game, even though at least five other Major League games had playoff implications on Sunday. Ernie Johnson had the call while another legend at the position, Cal Ripken, Jr., was his partner in the booth. Fenway Park on this day borrowed the moniker normally attributed to that other park opened in the ‘teens of a former century, “the friendly confines.” Not only was there a complete dearth of hostility, there was a climate of love.

The sky was abnormally brilliant on this afternoon. It felt a little like the day another Yankee shortstop made history here.

The second pitch was a ball. Ichiro Suzuki, who himself will end up in Cooperstown some day, too, stood on third base, having just tripled in a pair of runs to give the Yankees a 3-0 lead. Ichiro batted lead off and Jeter second on Saturday and Sunday, a tribute, it seemed, from manager Joe Girardi, to the two future Hall of Famers in these games.

The Fenway faithful, so conditioned to chant “Yankees suck!” at the sign of those interlocking NY ball caps, instead chanted “De-REK Je-TER!” Forty-six years ago on this day, in this ballpark, another Yankee with a single digit uniform retired: Mickey Mantle. The Mick was only 36 in 1968, but his body was broken. He batted .237 that season and played first base. Can you imagine how Twitter would have savaged him? Mantle had wanted to retire after 1967, but the Yankees lured him back with an offer of $100,000. Derek Jeter earned 120 times that in 2014.

Not unlike Mantle, Jeter’s status owes as much to his aura and legend as to the actual numbers. You think Jeter is overrated? The Mick had 1,000 fewer hits and a .298 batting average (Jeter finished at 3,465 hits and .310). Of course, Mantle hit for more power and, when healthy, was a fantastic center fielder. He had more talent than Jeter. But he squandered a lot more talent with a robust appetite for nightlife. Mantle was a swinger in every sense of the word.

The litany has long been Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle. You can argue all you want that there were better Yankees than Jeter besides those four, but only his name will join theirs. Teammate Mariano Rivera was the greatest closer of all time, pure class and a deservedly beloved player (unlike Jeter, he actually gave reporters anecdotes). Some people will invoke Mo’s name, too, but more out of a sense of obligation to the numbers. Jeter’s name will come quicker. He is the fifth Yankee immortal.

The third pitch from Buchholz was sliced foul, a sharp liner into the seats beyond first base. Someone earned a nice souvenir. Now Jeter was behind 1-2 here in the fifth inning. He was 0 for 2 on the day.

How strange to witness a Yankee-Red Sox game from Fenway that did not feel like a heart attack, but rather a coronation. Game 4 of the ALCS, October 17, 2004. One day earlier the Yanks had won 19-8 in Fenway to take a 3-0 series lead. When I boarded a plane in Phoenix on Sunday evening the Yankees held a 2-0 lead in Game 4.

Four-plus hours later I landed at Newark and hoped to get word that the Bronx Bombers had ousted the Sawx. Instead, the game was still in progress in the 12th inning. David Ortiz ended it shortly thereafter. That series, and the 2001 World Series versus the Diamondbacks, which featured three clunker games and three classics (one of them auguring the Mr. November nickname as Jeter hit a walk-off home run in the first World Series game to be stretched into the 11th month), are the two that I’ll remember best from the Jeter era. Even though both ended in failure.

The fourth pitch was a fastball. Jeter smashed it directly into the dirt. The ball took an insanely high hop –a Baltimore chop as Baltimore’s most legendary infielder looked on from the TBS booth–and if you were watching, you just smiled.

Of course The Captain will get an infield base hit on his final day as a Major Leaguer. Only one man in the game’s history has more recorded infield hits than Jeter and that man was chugging from third to home on contact. The Red Sox third baseman, whose name I’d never heard before, attempted to bare hand it but failed to grasp it. Base hit. RBI.

Inside the dugout, manager Joe Girardi tried to get Jeter’s attention. He ran his hand across his neck a few times, gesturing to Jeter if he wanted to come out. He did. The crowd, already standing, roared louder. Jeter’s mother, wearing sunglasses, wiped away tears.  No. 2 smiled broadly as he jogged off the field, hugging teammates and doffing his cap. If the years have not been kind to his hairline, they have been to everything else. He looks and runs much the same as he did as a 22 year-old rookie. The smile is as effervescent; not at all jaded. To quote Billy Crystal’s fine ESPN tribute, “This is a ballplayer.”

“Maybe all I know about Paul is that he was a fine fisherman,” Norman MacLean tells his father about his brother after his departure in A River Runs Through It.  “You know more than that,” the father replies. “He was beautiful.”

This is true. Derek Jeter loved being a Yankee the way Paul MacLean loved being a fly fisherman in Montana. He had the great good fortune of doing exactly what he’d always wanted to do in life and even better, he never once took it for granted.

Those of us who have lived in New York City, who have followed his career, all of us are older this morning. And not just by a day.

(By the way, one of my very favoritest writers of them all, fellow Valley of the Sun high school grad JR Moehringer, penned a magnificent elegy to Jeter on ESPN.com. Give yourself a little time to read it…and subconsciously, I guess that’s where I pilfered this hed)

2. Tear Down THIS Wall!

Kimetto shatters the existing world record in the marathon by 26 seconds, wonders if they’ll refund his entry fee

See, Berlin used to have a wall. And marathoners are known to hit a wall. But yesterday at the Berlin Marathon Kenya’s Dennis Kimetto crashed through a wall by becoming the first human to go under 2:03 in a marathon. Kimetto’s world-record time of 2:02:57. He broke the world record, set in this same race last year, by 26 seconds. It may be time to start thinking that someone will go below 2:00 this century. Which is insane.

Kimetto also earned a free T-shirt and got to choose whatever bagel he wanted at the post-race refreshments table.

3. Football In One Easy Sentence

What in the Sam Irwin-Hill is this? Arkansas’ Aussie punter takes a fake 51 yards in for a TD

This weekend’s football wrap-up: Arkansas faked a punt from just beyond midfield at Cowboys Stadium, it fooled everyone and went for a touchdown, while New Orleans faked a punt from just beyond midfield at Cowboys Stadium, it fooled no one, and the Saints surrendered the swine bladder on downs. Both teams lost.

p.s. This was the most successful fake punt of the month by a school with Arkansas in its name, but not the most creative.

4. For the Love of Pete

I missed it, but Saturday Night Live launched its 40th season on (well, you can guess the day) and the breakout star was a kid who is literally only half the show’s age. None of SNL’s male rookies of a year ago made an impact, but Pete Davidson only 20, showed up with an extra carton of swagger in his lunch box. It was his first show, but the kid won the audience over right away.

Hey, Pete Davidson just looks funny. And he is funny. And he enjoys being funny. It’s amazing how few cast members on SNL have gotten this over the years.

Also, SNL had to touch the NFL. Nicely Done. Best crime? “Stanford.”

5. Intolerable Clooney

Not registered at Dollar General

As loyal reader An Inconvenient Ruth noted, George Clooney, 53, got married this weekend “to a barrister, not a barista,” Amal Alamuddin. Though it was even money up until he said, “I do.”

Medium Happy was invited to the nuptials, but had to send its regrets with a request to “Invite us to the next one.”

Hopefully, George is not a “silly man” who “loves trains” and never finds himself in a scene like this. Particularly because the party of the second part is already a lawyer.  That’s from Intolerable Cruelty, a tiny gem of a Coen Brothers movie from 2003 (and, by the way, why was Richard Gilmore stepping out on Emily?)

“Objection, your honor, he’s strangling the witness!”

      “I’m going to allow it.”

Starting Five

This photo symbolizes Derek Jeter’s entire existence, no?

1. 2 Good 2 Be True

The Captain, No. 2, Derek Jeter, has 3,463 career hits, seven of which have been walk-off hits. That figures to about 0.02%, so of course one of the seven is his final hit in Yankee Stadium.

Jeter has 260 home runs, or about 7% of his hits have been home runs. So it figures that his landmark 3,000th hit was a homer. You link enough unlikely occurrences together and connect them to one person and, well, that’s how legends are constructed.

A cottage industry evaluating Jeter’s legacy has sprung up of late. There was a time when fans and writers would simply think, “Oh, the guy is No. 6 all-time in Hits, has five rings and was never an asshole over two decades.” But apparently that’s not enough now.

Jeter is about to become the most famous ex-Yankee employee since George Costanza

I used to work with some outstanding and highly intelligent waiters at the Steakateria, the best of whom, Peter IhaveareallylongItaliansurname-o, used to love to pigeonhole me to remind me how overrated and selfish (“Why is he still playing shortstop with A-Rod there?”) Jeter is, and I don’t quite have a comeback to that. Here’s the reasons I, and a lot of fans, I surmise, love The Captain:

1) One career, one team: Nobody ever says, “He’s the greatest husband; he’s been married four times!”

2) Bearing: Humble, professional, respectful of the game and fellow players.  It’s why even dudes don’t begrudge him the assembly line of actress/pop diva/supermodel conquests. By the way, 24 year-old Taylor Swift is a Manhattainite now. I’m just sayin’…

3) Longevity: He never had a better season than anyone in the American League (except for 2006) and you might even argue that the other dude who had a walk-off hit last night, Adrian Beltre, is a more talented baseball player. But do it for 20 years. That ain’t easy. Being consistently terrific for two decades? That in itself is greatness. And when people refute that, I wonder, Wait, so what was so special about Cal Ripken then? I mean, his lifetime average is 33 points (.276) lower than Jeter’s. Isn’t the streak at least 50% of his aura? That’s longevity.

This has been a thing for awhile now

4) Achievement: You know what? He was actually pretty decent. And no one with any sense has ever considered him the greatest player of all time or the most talented player to wear pinstripes. But he was, in the words of another former New Yorker, “Prit-tee, prit-tee good.”

5) A Sense of the Moment: Real humans don’t fall in love with stats. We fall in love with moments and stories. Jeter was a prince when it came to that. And while I cannot find a Bill James statistical metric to back up my point, I watched a ton of Yankee games before and after Jeter arrived. His presence, his insistence on doing things professionally and with respect for the game, rubbed off on everyone who played with him. And that made the Yankees better. I’ve seen enough to know that this is not myth. And the naysayers will learn this in the coming seasons.

*I really enjoyed Jeff Passan’s column on last night’s game, by the way.

**There was a moment when the score was tied 2-2 in the 2nd inning with a 2-2 count and 2 outs. It’s a coincidence, but it’s cool.

*** And, okay, maybe Baltimore’s second baseman was playing out of position. And I would have loved it if Buck Showalter, Jeter’s first Yankee manager, had called for an intentional walk with first base open. It would have been the biggest troll move in baseball history.

2. Tackling Dummies

With those helmets, the Sun Devils were playing with fire

I didn’t watch too much of the UCLA-Arizona State game last night –I was too busy jumping up and down on my hotel bed in my underwear doing “Derek Jeter!” chants– but every time I tuned in, it looked as if I was watching a colorized version of Horse Feathers. Wow, that was some bad tackling, Sun Devils.

UCLA won 62-27, in Tempe. The last time a team allowed 62 points inside Sun Devil Stadium, its coach was fired later that night on the tarmac of an airport. Avoid Sky Harbor this weekend, Todd Graham.

*p.s. An Arizona coach with four letters in his first name and six in his last, the first one “G.” was fired today. But it was Kirk Gibson.

3. Remington Steel Magnolia State

Mississippi State’s Dak Prescott. He’s in the Heisman convo but it’s early

Someone, or some two, from the SEC West, will partake in the inaugural CFB playoff. Will anyone from among them, most notably Alabama, Auburn, Texas A&M or Mississippi State, go undefeated? I seriously doubt it, but they won’t have to.

The king of the SEC West is almost certainly headed to the CFB playoff. So is the runner-up. I wouldn’t even want to rank these four right now, but I’d put Alabama and A&M as my favorites. The fun begins next week No. 3 Alabama at  No. 10 Ole Miss (both undefeated),  No. 6 Texas A&M at No. 14 Mississippi State (also both undefeated) and No. 17 LSU at No. 5 Auburn.

The Bulldogs host the Aggies at noon in Starkville, while the Rebels will most likely host the Crimson Tide at 7 p.m. in Oxford. It’s about a two-hour drive to cover the 98 miles. Expect some enterprising reporter(s) to attempt a two-fer.

Update: I’m told the latter game kicks off at 3:30 p.m. EST. So, oops.

4. Groundhog Die

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio may be a good guy — I have no feel for him yet–but he does seem to be charismatically challenged. In a moment straight outta “Veep,” de Blasio dropped a prized groundhog and it later died. I found out about it by reading Ryantology.

Why was de Blasio hoisting a groundhog yesterday? He wasn’t. This happened last February 2 and the groundhog , in Staten Island, died a week later but we’re all just hearing about it now. Not a good year for innocent creatures in Staten Island who are handled roughly by New York City employees.

5. Fortt Knocks

Quick, name every African-American studio anchor on a cable business network. Yeah, me neither (okay, if you cannot name a single studio anchor on a cable business network, you may want to skip this). Today I watched as CNBC’s Jon Fortt, who is black and is ordinarily their Silicon Valley-based tech reporter, co-hosted what I believe was their 10 a.m . show (Something with “Squawk” in the title, maybe?).

Anyway, I think Fortt has found a home. Very good-looking guy, smart, and it’s not as if there are a glut of African-Americans in these positions. Plus, he knows Apple, and CNBC spends at least 25% of every morning discussing Apple.

Fortt is a DePauw (the one in Indiana) alum. Here’s hoping for bigger things for him.

Reserves

 Rory McIlroy was asked what he would be if he weren’t a professional golfer and replied, “A virgin.” You can’t beat that.

Starting 2

1. O Captain, My Captain

I remember the opening Opening Day of Derek Jeter’s career. Both the New York Mess and New York Yankees were breaking in rookie shortstops.  It  was April Fool’s Day, 1996. The local tabloids wondered aloud which shortstop had the brighter future.  Ordonez finished with only about 2,800 fewer hits.

Of course, this was the week that Derek Jeter took all the hits, from people who’ve long pined to remind us that, statistically and as a fielder, Jeter is unworthy of our adulation. I mean, he’s no Red Ruffing. I’m done with listening to that. Every once in awhile a professional athlete comes along who defies X- and Y- axes and quantification. Larry Bird, for example. Herschel Walker, as a collegian. They are larger than life figures who are more than the sum of their parts.

The thing about Keith Olbermann’s rant on Tuesday isn’t that there weren’t a few kernels of truth. There were–a few. The thing is that Derek Jeter has never been a charlatan (like A-Rod). He has never shrunk from the greatest moments, and he has never been petulant or difficult, either with the media or with teammates. And, you know, No. 6 all-time in Hits despite playing at least three to five seasons fewer than any player ahead of him.

The vitriol of Olbermann’s rant, in light of when it occurred and in light of the fact that Jeter has never done anything but behave as the consummate professional, well, in the 6:47 of air time that Olbermann spoke, I actually learned a lot more about Keith Olbermann than I did about Derek Jeter. And I feel sorry for him.

By the way, if Keith holds according to form, he’ll come back with an essay about how all of us overreacted to the essay and that he was just pointing out relevant numbers, you know, kind of like reminding the mourners watching JFK’s funeral cortege passing by that John F. enjoyed an extra-marital dalliance or two. No, Keith. you have to own this. In the final week of the career of an unforgettable player who nobody (besides Jorge) ever said was the greatest of all time but who always approached the job the way you’d teach your kids to do, you needed to scold us for, in your opinion, elevating his legacy. What an incredibly small act on your part.

Newsworthy? Hardly.

I’m going to enjoy the next couple of days, watching the final games of Jeter’s career, because I understand that in terms of charisma and professionalism and yes, talent, players such as he come along once a generation at best. For New Yorkers, Jeter is the ’73 Knicks or Joe Willie Namath. He’s a legend. And he’s earned that status.

2. The Daily Harrumph: Simmons Sez

ESPN suspends its most multi-platformed star, Bill Simmons, three weeks for this rant. It would’ve been more if Norby had seen the tape.

So, of course, Twitter came to The Sports Guy’s defense. I think this is because Twitter is disproportionately inhabited by people who will always take the little guy’s side against the establishment’s side, probably because most authority types don’t have the time to waste on Twitter (as I do).

I don’t think Simmons should have been suspended for three weeks, but I completely , agree with Norby’s decision to suspend him. Forget for a moment ESPN’s billion-dollars deal with the NFL. Granted, that probably played a role.

But the facts here are simple: 1) An ESPN personality came right out and called the commissioner of the NFL a liar, without any type of hedging. 2) He used profanity. 3) He dared his bosses to come and get him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about both sides of this issue and here’s the way I see it: Simmons exists on a number of levels at ESPN. He’s both about to be the host of his own TV show, but he’s also still the guy who does podcasts with Cousin Sal and J-Bug. The problem is, once you’re the guy on TV, you’re the guy on TV. It’s not as if you can adjust your attitude and your approach to your wardrobe. Rather, it’s highest-common denominator.

Simmons has moved in to a new neighborhood. Maybe he used to enjoy putting the kiddie pool in the front yard and blasting Kid Rock as he washed his car in the driveway, but you can’t do that any more in this neighborhood.

A year and a half ago, Simmons had what I thought was his finest moment in television when he basically called Doc Rivers a liar. Nobody suspended him. You know why? First, because he was right. Second, because he didn’t puff out his chest and dare anyone to tell him he’s not allowed to express his opinion.

Charles Barkley says a lot of off-the-cuff stuff on television. But I don’t recall Chuck ever daring his bosses to punish him for his outrageous comments. Sure, Simmons said of Goodell, “He’s a liar,” but I imagine Norby was even more peeved when Simmons said, “Leave me alone.”

Well, Norby did not.

All that’s left is to see if Simmons, whom I’ve always been a fan of, is a man of his word. “If one person says (you’re in touble),” Simmons threatened, “I’m going public.”

Well, Bill, at least one person did. It’s your move. But I imagine the Sports Gal isn’t too happy with you right now, either. So you’re probably going to keep it zipped. We’ll see.