Monthly Archives: November 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

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by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


Is there such a thing as one upcowship?

Starting Five

1. Nov.29: Game 1, 2019 NBA Finals

Kevin Durant scored 51 points and the Warriors overcame a six-point deficit in the final minute in Toronto, but the Raptors, who own the NBA’s best record (19-4), prevailed in OT, 131-128. The Dubs were without Stephen Curry and Draymond Green and have now lost five of their past eight (15-8).

We wouldn’t worry to much about the champs. The Raptors, though, have a terrific nucleus and were led by Kawhi Leonard‘s 37 points. All they really need to compete for the title is Gregg Popovich and/or Jimmy Butler.

Durant becomes the second player this week to put up 50-plus in a losing effort (James Harden). The Warriors become only the second team in history to have three fifty-point scorers in one season (Durant, Curry, Thompson) after one of those fabulous Laker squads where Wilt, West and Baylor did it. Now if they can just get DeMarcus Cousins to post 50 once he is healthy and in the lineup.

2. The Handcuff’s Tale

Far-right activist Laura Loomer, who is Jewish (we already spot a conflict) handcuffed herself to the doors of Twitter’s New York City headquarters last night to protest being kicked off the media platform. Why? She says it happened because she’s Jewish, but common sense tells you it’s because she called a newly elected Congresswoman, who is Muslim, “anti-Jewish.”

Seeing as how Loomer is anti-Muslim, there’s a little hypocrisy in her campaign, no? You really have to hate yourself to throw this much hatred toward a group of people with whom you never interact.

3. Here Comes Cowboys

Lee Roy Jordan remains our all-time favorite Cowboy linebacker, but these two are going to give him a run.

A wonderful complement to last night’s Saints-Cowboys game was the concurrent airing of North Dallas Forty on some cable channel called AXS. Looking back on it, we think that head coach of the North Dallas Bulls, B.A. Strother, was the original analytics Nazi.

Strother, the first tendencies-addled coach

Anyhoo, the Cowboys beat arguably the top team in the NFS, the Saints, 13-10, and with four straight wins, they’re suddenly fun again. Not quite America’s team again, but fun again. They’re now 7-5 and atop the NFC East. Puppy linebackers Leighton Vander Esch and Jaylon Smith are leading the way.

4. It’s Real, And It’s Spectacular

It matters not the latitude, we here at the MH editorial board are constantly blown away by how close the parts of Earth virtually untouched by man resemble man’s idea of paradise. If you don’t believe us, go visit northern Scotland or Fiji.

This here is Masoala National Park in Madagascar, the last untouched-by-man rainforest on that large island off the east coast of Africa. Not bad, eh? Here’s a CNN story on the remote locale few of us will ever visit (shame). Anyway, we’ve said it before, but Rust Cohle had it right: mass extinction of the human species would really be the most philanthropic thing ever done, in terms of helping this planet. We’re the only species that truly detracts from its welfare.

5. Tuohy Goes For Two

There’s no more false promise than “America’s Next Great Female Running Phenom.” Trust us: We’ve profiled Mary Cain and Allie Ostrander (the latter of whom has fared better post-high school). Last February we took the subway up to the U.S. Armory to watch the next phenom, Katelyn Tuohy, who had smashed the 2.5-mile course record at Van Cortland Park by 32 seconds and had just broken the prep 5,000 mark by 18 seconds (those are incredible margins, by the way), compete in the high school mile at the Millrose Games.

She finished fourth.

Tomorrow, though, is the Nike National High School Cross Country Championships, to be staged in Portland, Oregon. Touhy, a junior at North Rockland (N.Y.) High School, is the defending champ.

Who knows what will happen to her when her body changes from girl to woman? As of now, though, Tuohy owns national high school records for the fastest outdoor mile, the fastest 3,200 meters and the fastest 5,000, often having broken Cain’s records (the two are four years apart and age and grew up about 25 miles away from one another).

 

Music 101

We’re All Alone

In the mold of Melissa Manchester and Carly Simon, Rita Coolidge belongs in the pantheon of sultry ’70s chanteuses with Clairol-ready manes. This single went to No. 7 in 1977 and No. 1 on the Adult Contemporary charts, but it was actually written by gifted syrupy songmaker Boz Scaggs (“Love, Look What You’ve Done To Me”) who also recorded it but as a B-side to a mini-LP. Rita’s version is better.

Remote Patrol

Football Football Football

SATURDAY

Big 12 Championship: Oklahoma-Texas

Noon ABC

SEC Championship: Alabama-Georgia

4 p.m. CBS

Big Ten Championship: Northwestern-Ohio State

8 p.m. Fox

ACC Championship: Clemson-Pitt

8 p.m. ABC

These four games will determine the final three slots in the college football playoff as well as, likely, the Red Grange Award winner (and perhaps the Heisman, too, who knows?). Is there an upset to be found here? Um, no. And we’ll probably regret typing that, but we don’t see one. So, OU, Bama, Ohio State and Clemson and then it’s just a beauty contest between the Sooners and Buckeyes.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Lightning Round Edition: We’ve got a choo choo train to catch

Starting Five

Is Craig To Blame?

We’re beginning to get a more panoramic view of what took place following 74-72 Saturday night. Texas A&M assistant coach Dameyune Craig (you may remember him as an Auburn QB) rushes across the field to talk sh*t and maybe more after the Aggies win. Why? Because LSU fired him last year.

And there’s Cole Fisher who appears to step in as a mediator. And let’s assume that perhaps Steve Kragthopre wanders in to the kill zone, meaning no harm, but Fisher sees the purple gear and pushes—not punches—him away. And he has no idea Cragthorpe has Parkinson’s. And that’s when Kevin Faulk steps in and the infamous photo is snapped.

Bottom line: It seems as if Craig instigated all of this.

2. Clip Clap

While ESPN has been doing vinyasa flow postures in an effort to bring every possible Los Angeles Lakers (11-9) angle to you this season, the Staples Center’s other tenant, the Los Angeles Clippers, have quietly moved to the very top of the pack in the Western Conference. Yes, even above the Warriors.

The Clippers (14-6) traded away or lost its most prominent TV pitchmen (Blake Griffin, CP3, and DeAndre Jordan) and have won 8 of 9. Leading scorer: Tobias Harris.

No egos. No drama. Beautiful thing.

3. You Can’t Go Brohm Again

Purdue coach Jeff Brohm, a native of Louisville and a graduate of Louisville, where he was the starting QB, decides to remain in West Lafayette with the Boilermakers. There are dumber things people have done than decide to remain with a team that has Rondale Moore for two more seasons.

4. Les Moonves, Pond Scum

James Stewart of The New York Times with a tale of extortion and lechery from the top guy at CBS.

5. Adios, Torreyes

The New York Yankees trade 5’7″ utility player Ronald Torreyes, who was like the most popular amigo in the clubhouse and also epitomized Wee Willie Keeler‘s “Hit ’em where they ain’t” credo. Our feeling is that Torreyes simply did not strike out enough to be considered “a true Yankee.”

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

 

Starting Five

Knickers: Big If True

Who has time to worry about gene-edited babies with Knickers the steer roaming the prairies of western Australia? His owner, Geoff Pearson, says that Knickers is 6’4″, 3,000 pounds and is a Holstein Friesian. He’s also too large for the processor but why would you ever turn Knickers over to the  butcher? Geoff, Geoff: start charging tourists a fee to see him. That’s how we do it here in the States.

Holy Cow! We look at Knickers and we’re reminded of what Crocodile Dundee said about knives. “You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!”

2 Hang On Glider


Hang gliding in Switzerland, and the instructor failed to harness in his American passenger before they embarked on the flight. Or maybe he just realized it was an American. Either way, crazy. Keep your eyes on the passenger’s right hand.

3. Bad, Bad Man

This is Samuel Little (current photo below), who is 78 and incarcerated in Texas. Recently Little has confessed to authorities that he killed upwards of 90 people in a number of states, which may make him the nation’s most prolific serial killer this side of Marlboro Lights.

Little supplied a chilling answer to one official who wondered aloud how he had gotten away with so many hideous crimes for so long:

“I can go into my world and do what I want to do,” Mr. Little said, according to Sergeant Mongeluzzo, describing neighborhoods around the nation where poverty, drug addiction and unsolved murders are common. “I won’t go into your world.”

4. Haley Stays Home

The nation’s top-ranked women’s basketball recruit is headed east for college. Just not that far east. Haley Jones, a 6’1″ wing from Santa Cruz, California, is headed 40 or so miles east to Stanford. She was courted by UConn and Notre Dame, among others.

While heading all the way back east sure worked wonders for another Californian (Diana Taurasi) once, it’s hard to fault Jones for remaining close to home while attending the top academic institution west of Chicago. Also, there’s the weather. And, hey, UConn hasn’t won a national championship since 2016!

5. Chairman of the Board

From The New York Times…

After three weeks, 12 straight draws and a day of tiebreakers, Norway’s Magnus Carlsen finally retained the world chess championship in London on Wednesday with a victory against Fabiano Caruana, his American challenger.

Reading on, we learn that officials got tired of this deal going nowhere to they basically pivoted to speed chess: Carlson and Caruana were given only 25 minutes to make a move. I’ll stop complaining about the video reviews in college football games now.

Music 101

Sweet Thing

Tomorrow marks the 50th anniversary of Van Morrison‘s Astral Weeks,—so why don’t you feature this tomorrow, MH??? Because we’re not smart and we’re also forgetful and just shut up okay geez!—which is the cool kids’ favorite VM studio album though we prefer Moondance.

Remote Patrol

The Outlaw 

8 p.m. TCM

Russell: Hay now!

A cornball Western, released in 1943, but starring a young, buxom Jane Russell. Westerns weren’t sexy before this one. Russell, whom people my age recognize from our youths as the middle-aged woman doing bra commercials on TV and touting herself as “a full-figured gal,” is at one vertex of a love triangle also featuring Doc Holliday and Billy the Kid.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


A natural occurrence that is also a depiction of the Trump presidency as soon as the Mueller report is released.

Starting Five

1. Liar, Liar

If you have children, boys or girls, you are doing them a disservice if you do not, some time after their fifth birthday party but before they move out of the house, sit them down to watch both The Godfather and The Godfather II. Life lessons abound (you should also teach them to play chess and poker; just a suggestion).

Anyway, the latest news about Paul Manafort continuously lying to special prosecutor Robert Mueller reminds us of the Frank Pentangeli situation in The Godfather II. There Pentangeli sits in jail. He knows he’s dead if he ever steps outside, if he cooperates with the Congressional subcommittee. And he knows that maybe his family is in some danger if he talks. There’s really nothing left to do but throw a small party, step into a hot bath, and slit your wrists.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U89DzP8NGM4

Manafort, after taking the plea deal, continued to lie. Numerous times. Mueller likely has so much info that Manafort never realized that it was easy to catch him in those lies. Manafort can’t walk because the Russians will take care of him if he talks. So he’ll return to jail for life and maybe just pull a Pentangeli.

Or maybe Trump will pardon him. And the country will spiral even further downward.

And yes, if you’re paying attention this morning, the latest report is of a secret meeting in the Ecuadorian embassy in London in 2016 between Manafort and Julian Assange. No collusion?

2. Oh Man, Look At Those Cavemen Go!

Yesterday NASA successfully landed its InSight robot on the surface of Mars (and Russia is already working hard to refute this) to study whether or not the fourth planet will be able to sustain Elon Musk.

This is the eighth landing of a probe on Mars. InSight will immediately begin mining for Bitcoin to see whether cryptocurrency may be more sustainable on the fourth planet out from the sun.

3. O(S)U

Let’s weigh in on the upcoming weekend of college football, in which No. 1 Alabama will face No. 4 Georgia at roughly 4 p.m.  (SEC title game), preceded by presumably No. 5 Oklahoma versus Texas (Big 12 Title game) at noon and followed by presumably No. 6 Ohio State versus (stifled chuckle) Northwestern in the Big Ten Championship contest.

Let’s presume Alabama wins. Georgia should present the Tide with its stiffest test yet, but the team to come within 20 points of Bama has yet to appear this season. The Dawgs will present the most difficult matchup, but for the sake of argument let’s says Alabama prevails, likely knocking the How ’bout Thems from the playoff daguerrotype.

So…the Sooners play the Longhorns from Arlington in a game that kicks off at 11 a.m. local time. Kyler Murray and Hollywood Brown and the boys not only must win, but they’re going to set the bar. How much can they win by?

Because, at 8 p.m., Ohio State is going to run all over Northwestern. This is shaping up to resemble that 59-0 wipeout of Wisconsin back in 2014 when a lot of pundits, entering the day, did not believe one-loss Ohio State belonged in the playoff conversation and then they waxed Wiscy and went on to win the national championship.

OU may very well win by three touchdowns versus Texas, but it’s as if they’re having to go first in a three-point shooting contest. They’ll put up a number and our bet is that, at least in terms of margin of victory, OSU will double that number. You wanna win 49-28, OU? Great. OSU’s gonna win 49-7.

If Michigan went on a 10-game Revenge Tour, then Ohio State is in the second leg of their How Urban Got His Groove Back Tour, and our thought is that the committee will be more impressed by them.

Even without arguably the best player in college football, defensive end Nick Bosa, the Buckeyes will be a handful

We get it: OU and OSU will both be 12-1, the Buckeyes will have the far worse comparable loss, OU has been ranked ahead of them most of the season, yada yada yada. But the SelCom has eyes. They saw what the Buckeyes did to No. 4 Michigan in the ‘shoe on Saturday and it’ll likely be a more complete win this Saturday. And here’s what they’ll say (and they’ll be right): Ohio State has a much higher ceiling, when playing their best, than Oklahoma does. If the two teams were to play right now (we know OU beat them last year),  the Buckeyes would be favored.

The misfire that will send Ohio State to the playoff

Fair? Who decides what’s fair here—they each have one loss. We just think OU’s a highly entertaining team with a porous defense while OSU, when playing their best, can beat anyone with the exception of Alabama.

The Sooners will win. The Buckeyes will blow the doors off Northwestern, maybe the fourth-best Big Ten team. Recency Bias is real. We’ve seen this movie before, four years ago. The Buckeyes get the fourth spot.

And yes, if only Maryland QB Tyrrell Pigrome had thrown an accurate 2-point conversion pass, the Sooners would be in.

4.  Holiday Inn Expression

It was Sunday evening and we’d just finished our weekly chore for The Athletic. Time for a movie, to decompress, and Holiday Inn was on the TCM. We’d never seen it. Why not watch? (And if you’re wondering, the film was released in 1942 and the motel chain began 10 years later; they took the name from this film).

It’s a Christmas movie, a jaunty musical starring Fred Astaire and Bing Crosby. La la la….And then THIS scene happened, and we wuz all woke and stuff. It’s intrinsic to the plot: Crosby is trying to hide his co-star, played by Marjorie Reynolds, from Astaire, who has come to see that night’s performance in search of her. So he decides to do the entire act, for all of the performers, in black face.

Same dude, same film. Singing “White Christmas”, which would win Best Song at the Oscars, with Marjorie Reynolds

Again, it was 1942. You could never get away with this now. And we don’t think anyone should try to tear down this statue. If you want to call it racist, we’re not here to disabuse you of that feeling. Taking offense is a relative matter. It’s, in our minds, more evolved to appreciate that times change and in 1942 this was not considered racist. Certainly a star of the magnitude of Bing Crosby would not risk his stature by doing something he considered racist.

It’s where this country was at this time, that one of its most beloved stars could do an entire scene in blackface and no one cared. Of course, at the time Americans had bigger problems on their minds (the Japs and Jerrys). Meanwhile, if this film airs again, it has one of the best dance numbers you’ll ever seen and it has Bing singing “White Christmas.” It’s a classic.

5. The Tragedy of Johnny Bright


We’re thrilled to see Brooks Melchior, alias @SportsByBrooks, return to Twitter, after an absence of five years. It appears he must’ve been on that same flight from NBC’s “Manifest.”

Anyway, judging from his tweets he has disappeared deep into the archives of college football dating all the way back to November 6, 1869 (Reminder: next year is the sesquicentennial of college football), with an emphasis on the criminally underexposed role of the African-American in the game.

The above photos tell the story of Drake quarterback Johnny Bright, who on October 20, 1951, had his jaw broken on this play by Oklahoma A&M defensive tackle Wilbanks Smith. Bright came into the game leading the nation in total offense, but a prominent black player had never taken the field in Stillwater. This was the third, and worst, cheap shot of the game Bright absorbed.

A few plays later Bright tossed a 61-yard TD pass, but A&M (now State) would win the game. Bright went on to a career in the CFL and is now in the CFL Hall of Fame. We never knew about this before yesterday.

Thanks, Brooks.

Music 101

Breed

The fourth song from Nirvana‘s earth-shaking 1991 album, Nevermind, is “Breed.” If the lifeblood of rock and roll is youthful angst and energy, then no one ever pumped more blood into its music than Nirvana did. No one. As we’ve mentioned here before, we were lucky enough to see the band on this tour, standing on the side of the stage. So the next time you hear us complain about anything, please slap us around.

Remote Patrol

Making a Murderer, Season 2

Netflix

We devoured the original installment voraciously, watched nearly the entire 10 episodes in two nights. A friend suggested we check out Season 2, in which famed Chicago attorney Kathleen Zellner, who has gotten 17 prior convictions overturned, agrees to take on Steven Avery’s case.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


That’s one way to defend this play.

 

Starting Five

In their defense, this is far more orderly than Black Friday outside the local Best Buy

1. Make A Run For The Border

Oh, sure, when it was nothing more than a Taco Bell tagline, you thought it was cute and clever. Now migrants are storming the gates and border patrol are showering them with tear gas and pelting them with rubber bullets and suddenly it’s a thing. Maybe it’s just all guerrilla marketing for the release of Roma next month. We dunno.

We don’t pretend to have a solution, but we’ll fall back on our “So Crazy It Just May Work” idea of invading Mexico. This comes directly from the “Don’t Raise The Bridge, Lower The River” school of thought. Got a problem with folks crossing the border? Then move the border. If Mexico complains, dare them to come at us and/or tell them, “Then you take care of it before it gets to our fence.”

Install a few In-N-Out Burgers and Texas Roadhouse outlets along the way, maybe a Holiday Inn Express, and problem solved. We’ve been to Mexico. It has sun and beautiful weather. It’s just that there’s no place to stop after four hours in the car to get a decent meal or a place to stay. Fix that, problem solved.

2. Renege Tour

Saturday morning in Columbus: Michigan players clad in “Revenge Tour” gear, Wolverine alum Desmond Howard failing to understand why his Maize and Blue were ranked behind the Fighting Irish (perhaps because Notre Dame had beaten them, had a better record, and had played a more difficult schedule), and much ado about That Team Up North having the nastiest defense in all the land.

Saturday, 4 p.m.: Michigan walks off the field having just allowed 62 points, the most points ever scored against them in a non-overtime contest, and this from a program that has been around since 1879.

No, you shut up.

3. Climate Change ———>>>>>> Primate Change

More bad news! It is 2018, after all.

In what surviving historians will record from another planet in future centuries as a telling maneuver, the U.S. government released a most dire report about climate change on the Friday after Thanksgiving, hoping the fewest possible people would read it. The information in the report is backed by 13 federal agencies and guarantees that extreme heat is outnumbering extreme cold three days to one, that coastal cities are in peril due to rising seas, and that the Knicks will continue to suck at least until Manhattan is under water.

Basically, we’re headed directly into a Jake Gyllenhaal film in which either Morgan Freeman or Bill Pullman is the president. You gotta laugh so you don’t cry. The only thought that comforts us is that we, homo sapiens, will go extinct far before our planet dies. It’ll just lie dormant for a few millennia and then a few cockroaches will mutate and the entire process will start over again. That’s life/That’s what people say/You’re flying high in April/Then you’re staring down Doomsday…

4. Killing Jesus

They killed off Jesus on The Walking Dead last night. No, not our Lord Savior but rather the Last Suppery-looking dude who introduced Rick and the gang to the Saviors a few seasons back.

Now, before you hit us with, “You’re still watching The Walking Dead?”, it was literally the first episode we’ve sat down for in more than a year, and the payoff was worth it. Seems there’s a new gang, The Whisperers, who hide out dressed as zombies (masks and all) and intermingle with them. One of them was able to get close to Jesus during a melee and suddenly flashed moves with a sword no one had ever seen.

The added value to the viewer: now we all know how they put those zombie masks on (they’re laced up at the back of your head).

5. The Battle of 74-72

There’s just so much going on in this photo: that’s former NFL running back and current LSU director of player personnel Kevin Faulk taking on Jimbo Fisher’s nephew, Cole Fisher.

The wackiest college football game of the season, one that went 7 overtimes (tied for the longest in FBS history) and featured 146 points (THE MOST in FBS history) took place between LSU and Texas A&M in College Station. Besides the above, it featured:

–a game-clinching interception that was overturned because quarterback Kellen Mond’s knee appeared to brush the turf after the snap, meaning he was down.

–a game-tying TD pass on a play that began with :01 remaining (some thought that final tick was a gift to the home team).

–a fourth-OT targeting call.

–the unforeseen brilliance of A&M wideout Kendrick Rogers (three TD or 2-point conversion catches in OT, his only three grabs of the game, including the game-ending catch).

–Coach O windsprints

–A ref signaling unsportsmanlike conduct by tossing his hat, because he’d already tossed his flag to signal PI.

–A post-game brawl in involving A&M coach Jimbo Fisher’s nephew and LSU assistant Steve Kragthorpe, who suffers from Parkinson’s and was literally struck in his pacemaker.

Are you not entertained?

Music 101

Rocky Raccoon

Last Thursday marked the 50th anniversary of the release of The Beatles, better known as “The White Album.” Among the manifold oddities of this double album are these: there are no graphics or text on it other than the band’s name embossed on the cover, as this was a deliberate display of contrast from their previous studio album, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band; the album was released five years to the day after the JFK assassination while including a song titled “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” (you’d pay for that one, John); and there were no singles from this 30-song effort, although during the same sessions the band recorded a song titled “Hey Jude” and released it as a single (“Hey Jude,” which many people consider at worst a Top 5 Beatles track, was never released on an original studio album); there’s actually a song on this album titled “Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey,” which offers definitive proof that the band was doing mind-altering drugs.

Warning: Avoid people who tell you they hate the Beatles or that they are overrated; they’re the anti-vaxxers of music.

Remote Patrol

Elf 

9 p.m. AMC

We’ve never seen this. People seem to love it. If we’re not out at da club, maybe we’ll tune in.