Starting Five

1. It’s A “Gee” Thang

New York Mess pitcher Dillon Gee (soft “G”), who entered last night’s game against the Yankees with a 2-6 record and a 6.34 E.R.A. –second-worst in the National League — strikes out 12 batters through 7 1/3 and is dominant as the Mess win, 3-1, to sweep a four-game series from their inter-borough neighbors. When Mess manager Terry Collins was asked to cite the last time Gee looked so sharp, he referenced a spring training game.

Meanwhile in Ohio, THE Ohio State University president E. Gordon Gee (hard “G”), initials E.G.G., had that on his face as comments he made last December referencing Notre Dame came to light: “The fathers are holy on Saturday, and they’re holy hell the rest of the week,” Gee had told an audience. “You just can’t trust those damn Catholics on a Thursday or a Friday, and so, literally, I can say that.”

Over at Sports Illustrated, Andy Staples had some fine thoughts on this topic. Meanwhile, Dr. Gee, your table for two with Sergio Garcia is ready.

 

2. Does your zoo have one of these?

 

The bad — no terrible — news is that some of Earth’s most beloved creatures are headed for extinction. Tigers and polar bears, oh my. The good news is that scientists may be able to clone creatures that have been extinct for millions of year using just an existing drop of their blood that has been frozen for eons (note to self: Remind biologists to check Charlie Sheen’s freezer). Scientists in Siberia located a woolly mammoth trapped in ice, pricked it, and liquid blood ran out. Now they are talking about cloning it.

3. 16 Points, Four Rebounds and Four Assists…in the Third Quarter

I  had recused myself from caring about the NBA playoffs until Heat-Spurs, but last night LeBron James “went back to my Cleveland days” third-quarter performance in Game 5 tipped my hand. He personally outscored the Indiana Pacers with an effort that only Atlas, who once hoisted the world upon his shoulders, could fully appreciate. James finished with 30 points, eight rebounds and six assists in the 11-point win. Across the scorer’s table, Paul George, the HalfBeatles, had 27 points, 11 rebounds and five assists for the Pacers as his agent continues to salivate over his next contract.

4. The BlowHardy Boys

WFAN’s Mike Francesa is asked his thoughts on ESPN’s John Buccigross, and clearly has no idea who he is (“Who’s John Buccigross?”… He’s one of the top five anchors on SportsCenter, Mike). Francesa also says, “First of all, ESPN is not on my screen.” You’re a sports media guru who does not watch ESPN? Challenge flag, Mike. Or you’re just lazy. Also, it’s “source” with an “r”. Not “sauce” as in what to top my tortellini (who I hear the Rangers fired, but I can’t remember who broke the story) with.

 

Meanwhile, Bill Simmons, who we think is doing a terrific job on ESPN’s on-air NBA coverage now that he has stopped saying, “I don’ think the (Fill in NBA franchise here) know who their best eight guys are”,  finds a correlation during a podcast between the MLK assassination and timorous Memphis Grizzlies fans. Deadspin’s Drew Magary fillets him. Masterful job. As another writer at another site –sorry I cannot locate it this moment – wrote, “It’s a long season. Take a few plays off, Bill.”

5. The Scripps’ National Spelling Bee is a Joke

Sorry, ESPN and all of you morning shows who feel the need to stroke us into thinking this event has anything to do with a child’s ability to spell words. Yesterday’s winner, Arvind Mahankali, 13, won by correctly spelling a German word (“knaidel”) that is a type of dumpling. I haven’t run the numbers, but it seems that 95% of the words in the spelling bee are not used in normal conversation by 100% of the viewers.

In fact, “ArvindMahankali” could very well be a word in next year’s Spelling Bee.

This, my fellow language enthusiasts, is not a spelling bee; it’s a memorization bee (and it’s not a sport, either, Bristol).

You want to add drama to the Scripps National Spelling Bee? Announce a $500,000 prize to the winner. Then, on a specified day each year, officials enter 5th-grade classrooms across America –that is, unless one of Wayne LaPierre’s “good guys with a gun” mows them down in the name of protecting the children –and randomly select one or two dozen individuals. These boys and girls are then whisked off to Washington, given one day to prepare and then, Game on! A lot more drama. And a lot more fun for us viewers.

As it stands now, all we get is kids who are undeniably skilled at memorization –and who probably cannot throw a spiral or name even one non-title character on Phineas & Ferb — and who in 25 years will be telling us the results of our MRI. Do we really want this?

 Reserves

Commencement Exercises, a.k.a. “Begin the Begin”

This is my favorite segment that NBC Nightly News runs all year. I don’t know why they don’t turn it into an annual hour-long program. Also, watch Richard Engel. He sounds exactly like Bono in 1989. I actually dined with Engel on the night of the Opening Ceremony (not “Ceremonies”) at the Beijing Olympics. I think my sister still believes that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done professionally (my brother believes it was riding a Waverunner with Lisa Guerrero, but that’s a different story).

Megan Draper = Sharon Tate?

The latest interweb meme — or is it a GIF? — has conspiracy theorists finding similarities between actress Sharon Tate, who was slain by the Manson Family in the summer of 1969, and Don Draper’s aspiring actress wife. For all the upheaval that occurred in the 1960s, it all ended in California at the end of the decade with the assassination of Bobby Kennedy (the real Bobby 1; we’re with you, Betty) in Los Angeles in 1968, the Tate-LaBianca murders in 1969, and then Altamont later that year.

It’s an interesting theory, particularly when you read of the Draper-Tate coincidences, and then factor in Weiner’s insatiable appetite for garnishing his drama with pop culture reality. I wouldn’t put it past him. My own little add: Where did Don and Meghan first hook up? In southern California, during a Disneyland vacation.

One of the bizarre and lesser-reported aspects of the Manson family murders? Manson was an aspiring musician and had befriended Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys. He even crashed at Wilson’s house on Sunset Boulevard until Wilson realized that he was koo koo for Cocoa Puffs and asked him to leave. However, Wilson did introduce Manson to record producer Terry Melcher, who was living with his girlfriend Candice Bergen at the time. They lived on 10005 Cielo Drive in Bel Air.

Melcher indicated that he was interested in producing Manson’s music, but he may have just been making party conversation. When Manson arrived at Melcher’s home unannounced to further discuss this prospect, he was turned away. Melcher soon moved out and rented the home to director Roman Polanski and his wife, Sharon Tate. Not long after, the Manson family returned to 10005 Cielo Drive and murdered Tate and three others.

Testimony revealed that Manson and his followers were aware that Melcher and Bergen had moved out of the house. Still, they targeted the home because they wanted to terrify him. It worked.

The Fox Mole Tells All

Joe Muto, the Fox mole (and a Notre Dame alum), reveals a lot about the inner workings of Fox News from his time as an employee there. It’s a fascinating read, but I can’t help feeling a little like Muto reminds me of another rodent — a weasel — with his tell-all. Did he not know what he was getting into when he accepted a job with Fox? And, a year after being smoked out of his hole by his superiors, is this still the only bullet in his arsenal? Why would anyone hire him again?

 

A Chilling Anniversary

Tomorrow marks the 24th anniversary of the murders of Jo, Michelle and Christe Rogers, a mother and two daughters from Ohio who were found floating in Tampa Bay. The trio had been raped and bound, then thrown overboard with cinder blocks tied around their necks. I’d never heard about the tale until last night, when Twitter follower David Ching of ESPN apprised me of it. Thomas French of the St. Petersburg Times wrote this Pulitzer Prize-winning piece that kept me up late into the night. Be warned: It’s fantastic but it will also take you no less than 90 minutes to read.

 Comrades In Legs

 

On Sunday the 88th running of the Comrades Marathon, the world’s oldest and largest ultramarathon, will take place in South Africa. The 56-mile race, which was first staged in 1921 (and was only suspended during WWII) is run between the cities of Durban and Pietermaritzburg. Each year the city-to-city course alternates directions in which it is run. You must have run a sub-5 hour marathon to qualify (check!) and then you have to get your arse to South Africa.  Approximately 25,00o runners enter. If you’re a distance runner, Comrades should be on your bucket list.

 

The Medium Happy tip jar remains open (thanks to all of you who contribute!). sameriver@hotmail.com on PayPal.

Starting Five

1. If Convicted, He Could Receive…The Dip

A 22 year-old employee at Disneyland, Christian Barnes, is arrested after a bottle filled with dry ice explodes in a trash can in the Toon Town section of Disneyland. Lead investigator Eddie Valiant will be on the case as soon as he checks out of an alcohol rehab center in Malibu. There’s a Toon Town section of Disneyland?!? Where have I been? Honestly, if they don’t have a barber shop that offers a shave and a haircut for two bits, I don’t know why they’d even bother to open the section.

2. And What of the Court of Public Opinion?

On “Costas Tonight” on NBC Sports Channel last night — I swear I only tuned in to watch “CrossOver” –, your eponymous host has a Paterno family spokesperson, a Paterno family attorney, and former Pa. governor Dick Thornburgh on to discuss the lawsuit they are filing against the NCAA. They insist that there was no “elaborate cover-up” (who ever said that it was elaborate?) while Costas reminds viewers that Louis Freeh and NCAA prez/bully Mark Emmert were invited to appear, but declined. I was, shall you say, Touched by this idea. Because if the Paterno family wins this lawsuit, everyone will switch course and decide that Joe Paterno committed no sins of negligence or omission while dozens of prepubescent boys were sexually assaulted by a man he knew and employed for three decades.

As for elaborate cover-ups, where’s Bob’s gray hair? He’s 61.

3. Courteney Cox and David Arquette finalize their divorce. “Do you know the way to Cougar Town?”

4. New England Patriot tight end Rob Gronkowski is scheduled to have back surgery after already having undergone four forearm surgeries.

5. Moments after this took place, both John Calipari and Rick Pitino booked tickets on a non-stop flight to Kenya.

Starting Five

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. O Captain! My Captain! Come June 7 there will be two Ethan Hawke films in theaters. There will also be two films that are the third in a trilogy in theaters. In each case, the film that you should see is Before Midnight. It’s definitely less misanthropic and nihilistic than The Purge (though, M&N may be your thing) and it certainly has more earnest effort behind it than “Hangover III” (Chris Corbellini’s typically superb review appears later in this entry).

It’s been quite a near-quarter century for Hawke, 42, a native of Austin, Texas. After standing on his desk at Welton Academy in the final scene of Dead Poets Society (and, hey, I don’t get it: Didn’t Neil kill himself because he didn’t want to become a doctor and then what happens 15 years later? He’s an oncologist on “House!”) Hawke went on to star in Reality Bites, the wannabe-zeitgeistiest film of the early ’90s (it wasn’t…Slacker was), then he married Marsellus Wallace’s wife (ballsy!) before finally becoming the lead singer of Sugar Ray. I know!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never figured Hawke for longevity, but credit him for being far more than a pretty face. Repeated viewings of “Training Day” (my favorite film of his) never let you down. He’s vulnerable and tough simultaneously. Anyway, Peter Travers of Rolling Stone says Before Midnight has Oscar potential, Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 97 (while giving Hangover III a 21), and Senor Corbellini will weigh in on it next week (bill me for expenses later, Chris! Geez!). Last thing: I’d like to see a film starring Matt Damon –who began his career as a snotty prep school wanker in “School Ties” — and Hawke. They’d play brothers. Not Siamese twin brothers (Damon’s already conquered that role), but brothers.

2. Bummer of 42

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two firsts for New York Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera last night: 1) the first time in his 19-year career that he threw both the first pitch (okay, it was ceremonial) and last pitch in a game. And, 2) the first time that he failed to record a single out during a save appearance. Ever. And last night was his 700th save appearance (626 saves, 74 blown saves). Mo allowed a double, single and single in blowing his first save of the season and allowing two runs in the bottom of the ninth to the New York Mess in a 2-1 loss.

3. Calabasians are Fluent in Affluent

The Kardashians. The Osbournes. Bieber, and Keyshawn. Have you noticed how often Calabasas, a suburb to the northwest of Los Angeles, has been in the news the past couple of years due to its celebrity residents? I asked earlier today if Calabasas, which sits directly north of Malibu but on the other side of the Santa Monica Mountains and has just 23,000 residents, has become the new Beverly Hills. The overwhelming answer is yes, while follower @brettfera informed me that Hidden Hills, a fully incorporated and fully-gated community of 1,800, is Calabasas’ own Bel Air. I doubt seriously that Calabasas will ever have a tight indie music scene, but as a haven to raise a family in which crime, traffic and minorities (unless they’re retired jocks or currently landscaping your property) are non-existent, Calabasas has become SoCal’s hot spot. Question: Is Justin Bieber a Calabashole?

4. Cullen Finnerty

A tragic story, yes, the death of a 30-year old married father of two who happened to lead Division II Grand Valley State to three national championships in four seasons. It is also what we at The Daily used to refer to as a “Barry Special” in homage to everyone’s favorite story-searcher, editor Barry Werner. If The Daily still existed Barry would have already had Dan Wolken or myself up in the nether reaches of Michigan searching for witnesses. What gives this story legs is the report that Finnerty, who was found less than a mile from where he was seen with no apparent traces of foul play, reportedly phoned a family member when he was out fishing alone on Sunday night and told them that he was “nervous about something.”

Of course, the natural response to that news would be, “Nervous about what?” At this point, we don’t know whether he was asked that and/or whether he replied. Still, it is eerie. And cryptic. Did he have a mental episode? And if so, how did that lead to Finnerty’s death?

Finnerty lead GVSU to a 51-4 record in his career and made active NFL rosters for both the Baltimore Ravens and Denver Broncos, though he never took a snap in an NFL game.

5. SI on Video: Now It’s a Daily Thing

Long overdue, but Sports Illustrated is getting into the daily television show game. Okay, so it’s screaming streaming video, but the difference is that it will be appointment-style. Every weekday at 1 p.m. Maggie Gray will host a half-hour show that will include commentary and analysis from SI’s stable of writers and contributors (and I have to ask: How did I not read about this first in Richard Deitsch’s “Media Circus” column?) Some thoughts, and suggestions (you knew these were coming):

 

1. There is no direct correlation between writing talent and on-air presence. Exhibit A: Alex Wolff versus Seth Davis years ago. Both were college hoops writers, and one was the dean of such at SI. But it’s Seth who has the CBS gig today.

2. “Pigskin and Pork Shoulder with Andy Staples”: This needs to happen.

3. How safe is Gray in that chair? We’ll see. Does SI care deeply about how many hits it gets and if it does, will they start searching for the next Miss Florida to host if the numbers fall shy of their estimates?

4. When SI first hooked up with CNN for an in-house video platform back in the mid-1990s, I suggested that our masthead could produce a far more entertaining and insightful show than The Sports Reporters. Put Jack McCallum, Steve Rushin, Leigh Montville and Rick Reilly together on a set and it would be gold. Sub in to the rotations writers such as William Nack, Franz Lidz, Austin Murphy, Tom Verducci, Tim Crothers and Jeff Pearlman. Thinkers, all, and friends who over a few beers have produced some of the more hilarious conversations to which I’ve had the privilege to be privy.

At the time I was told that such a show needed two cameras and that wasn’t in the budget. Well, guess what? A) It should be and B) Outside of Reilly, all of those people are still available to SI. This should definitely happen. SI needs to make a commitment to such a program and fully exploit its talent. Add names such as Lee Jenkins, Jon Wertheim, Pete Thamel, Staples, and even an acerbic editor (if only I could think of one…MARK BECHTEL) to the rotation. If SI really wants to take on ESPN, it needs to take advantage of its greatest resource: its unbeatable posse of scribes.

Reserves

Yes, this was cool. Jeff Bauman and Carlos Arredondo throw out the first pitches last night at Fenway Park.

******

DON: “Peggy, could you step in here for a moment?”

PEGGY: “What’s up?”
TED: “Peggy, would you be more inclined to buy a metaphor or a blatantly transparent stick of symbolism?”

PEGGY: “Why, they both sound great to me.”
DON (contemptible grimace): “Because we need to set up this episode so that our viewers will understand that all of the characters are making do with cheaper imitations of the real thing. I’ve got Meghan when I should’ve stuck with Betty; you’ve got Abe when you should have remained with Charlie from “The West Wing”; and Joan is cavorting with Bob “Bunson” until either he joins Up With People or until Roger demonstrates that he can be an adult for two consecutive days.”

PEGGY: “Father Abraham had seven sons. Seven sons had Father Abraham. And they didn’t laugh. And they didn’t cry. All they did was stick their boyfriends with bayonets! With your right!”

DON: “So you agree with Mr. Chaough?”

PEGGY: “You mean the dude from ‘The Hangover’ movies?”
TED: “No, you dipsy protege, me! The man you’re in love with! You need to agree with one of us.”

PEGGY: “Por que?”
DON: “No, Fleischman’s. And stop speaking Spanish. You’ve been hanging out on the Upper West Side too long.”

TED: “But her face says that she agrees with me.”
DON: “That’s because you don’t know her that well.”

Aaaaaaand, scene.

******

 

We are devoting the rest of today’s section to Chris Corbellini’s review of “Hangover III” because it’s good and because we have a life to live, you know?

HANGOVER III

by Chris Corbellini (a vaunted member of the MH wolfpack)

“Chow is madness. You can’t reason with madness. You can only hope to trap it in the trunk of a car and shoot it.”

Funny how villains sometimes get sensible lines. Funny how they are rarely uttered in funny movies. How can they be? The quote above fits in a voiceover of a mob picture. Instead, it’s uttered with whiskey-voiced seriousness by a shades-wearing killer in a summer comedy – the third of the popular “Hangover” series. The Wolfpack is back and the circumstances are as dire as ever. Only this time they are sober as the audience, and the end result is dark and a little flat.

Does the passage of time and big-paycheck sequels make men older, wiser, and duller? Our three middle-class man-boys – handsome wiseass Phil (Bradley Cooper), milquetoast, earnest Stu (Ed Helms) and big-hearted weirdo Alan (Zach Galifianakis) – must save their friend Doug (Justin Bartha, once again on the periphery) from bodily harm. Here we go. Only this time the events that take place are not their doing at all – they begin the movie by doing the responsible thing, driving troubled Alan to a drug treatment center – so it’s really up to the three leads to pull the laughs out when they can, and not the situation at large.

 

The set-up’s the thing though. In the original everyone was just so happy or stunned to see Phil, Stew and Alan after all that happened, and it’s a blast to see the trio cobble together fragments of events of the previous night. Events that are only fully revealed in the still montage during the credits. The wedding chapel owner, for example, invited them in like drinking buddies, a little awestruck. Stripper/call girl Heather Graham had herself a blast, got hitched to Stew, and couldn’t contain how giddy she was to see them again (she’s still smiling in this one). Even Mike Tyson warmed up to the group. That’s a memorable R-rated comedy. In the sequel, though there are many plot beats exactly like the original, everyone was so angry about what happened. A disapproving future father-in-law, drug gunmen on the streets of Bangkok, and vengeful monks all took their cracks at them.  Nobody warmed up to these foreigners. So there lies the humor: what exactly did the Wolfpack do this time? Cue those stills.

 

 

 

With all the binge-drinking, roofie-taking, tiger-finding and monkey-snatching out of the equation in the third movie, there was no stranger-who-isn’t-a-stranger to bounce questions off of, and no concerned bride-to-be on the other end of a phone. The story spine is basically a heist – to deliver millions of dollars in gold and the man who stole them, Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong, a human spigot of sweat and facial twitches), to a Las Vegas baddie played with that whisky voice by John Goodman. The Wolfpack attempts to do so by re-reading Alan’s email correspondence with Chow (I would love to see the subject lines for those), and then they react to the oncoming weirdness one incredulous facial expression at a time. Again, all of them are entirely too sober for this.

 

This go-around Jeong and Galifianakis do the heavy weight work, with Cooper getting to do some physical stuff here and there and Helms stepping back after being the centerpiece of “Hangover 2.” There are also moments when the trio are separated, a new development, with Stu breaking into a Mexican mansion with Chow, and an impressive sequence when Alan and Phil slip into a party in a Caesar’s Palace penthouse during act three.

 

Everything in and outside of Caesar’s has top-quality production value. Though the script takes the team to Tijuana and spots in the desert, the director Todd Phillips clearly was most invested in making Vegas a character. That makes sense, as Phillips was once a driver in the Las Vegas edition of HBO’s “Taxicab Confessions,” so he knows the city and its high and low points. He staged a time-tested acting moment in a buddy movie – the “Let go! I’ll catch you!” scenario – and it plays out well, with Cooper and Galifianakis  seemingly high atop a casino and in danger. From there the pair enter the hedonism of the hotel room, and it’s a superbly edited and shot mishmash of light and nearly-naked women to distract the viewer before the big face-off. In a few heartbeats Chow is floating over Vegas by parachute, and the camera crew captured a brilliant overhead shot of the famous fountains at the Bellagio. The spray is practically hitting his feet, and it’s a welcome angle of a city skyline just waiting to be shot at night.

 

By comparison, the Tijuana scenes felt rote. The demise of the chickens by gunfire looked herky-jerky, and perhaps only existed as an excuse for Helms to scream like a pre-teen girl, and the viewer to be reminded it’s full-tilt looney-tunes time now. When the group finally reconnects with Chow, the creatives use standard wipe editing to disorient us – we finally see him with Alan after a bus motors past that kept them out of sight. They cut away to Stu and Phil while people in shadow stroll past – a technique used most notably and far more convincingly in “Jaws” when the Kitner boy is killed by the shark and beach-goers stepping past Chief Brody break up the action and the angles that we see. “Hangover 3” also has an homage to the opening shot of “Goodfellas,” when the three principals are seated in the front of a car and they hear thumps by someone banging away trapped in the trunk.

 

Remember this is an ongoing story of a school teacher, a dentist and an unemployed trust-fund kid. How did it get to this point, with kidnapping and murder on the menu, three movies later? It could be the creatives absorbed the knocks on the second movie — that it was a faded copy of the first and unoriginal — and started fresh. Or they wanted to spite the lot of us. The hilarious end credits scene involving silicon implants felt like a tease – as if the filmmakers are saying “see this is the movie we COULD have made if you all just kept your mouths shut.” If that’s the case what a shame, because the audience definitely wanted to laugh along with this cast. Besides the box office, it’s greatest strength as a trilogy is all that good will it has built up for these characters. Hung over characters lying flat on cold tile, that is.