by John Walters

A Medium Happy 65th to Tuscaloosa’s Saint Nick

Starting Five

Chase Appleby rustled up Brett Rypien, sending the football and Boise State’s major bowl hopes backward.

1. Road Kill

Seven up, four down.

Seven unbeatens did the “Road Trip!” thing last Saturday. Three of them (Michigan, Clemson, Washington) won and will be amongst the Selection Committee’s top four in its initial rankings tomorrow. The other four—Nebraska, Baylor, West Virginia and Boise State—lost.

Most notable defeat? The Broncos, who gave up a safety in the final 90 seconds at Wyoming to lose 30-28. I’m not sure if there’s ever been a more noteworthy sports moment in the state of Wyoming.

Jabrill Peppers (5) and Michigan were the only unbeaten to go on the road and win by more than a touchdown, in East Lansing. Wolverines are legit.

Two implications: 1) Right now the playoff four is set, barring an upset, which there will almost certainly be. Keep an eye on Bama at LSU, Auburn at Bama, Michigan at Ohio State (hardly an upset), and USC at U-Dub. 2) Western Michigan, which only plays one more team with a winning record, is going to be your Group of 5 major bowl selection.

I’m offended that they allowed a fan into the game with this.

Is this what @UWMadison and @UWBadgers supports? pic.twitter.com/izvzMOqgEG

— Nigel Hayes (@NIGEL_HAYES) October 30, 2016

Meanwhile in Madison, two fans dressed up for Halloween (?) as POTUS in a noose. They were not kicked out of the Nebraska-Wisconsin game, just told to remove the costume. Outspoken Badger ‘baller Nigel Hayes had a problem with that.

2. Cub Your Enthusiasm

Bryant did homer last night, but the probable NL MVP has spent much of the Fall Classic walking back to the dugout with this miserable look on his face

Chicago avoids elimination with a 3-2 win and an eight-out save by Aroldis Chapman, whose cap was festooned with “JF 16” in honor of fallen countryman Jose Fernandez.

Meanwhile, here’s what the Cubs (cough cough, Kris Bryant and Javy Baez) should work on during today’s off day: not striking out. The Cubs have whiffed 53 times through five games, or 10.6 times per game. They’ve drawn just 15 walks as opposed to that. Throw out Game 2, where they drew 8 walks and struck out just 8 times, and those figures would be 45 and 5 (of course, you can’t throw out 20% of a sample to make a point, unless you’re FiveThirtyEight.com, which we are not).

3. Setting His Own Pace

Cheesecake became the first four-time Pac-12 X-Country champ

Is it too soon to call Oregon’s Edward Cheserek the best collegiate distance runner of all time? Nope.

Last Friday the senior from Newark (and before that, Kenya) won his fourth consecutive Pac-12 men’s cross-country individual title. A few former Pac-10/Pac-12 runners who never accomplished that feat: Steve Prefontaine, Alberto Salazar, Henry Rono.

A few weeks from now in Terre Haute, Ind., Cheserek, 22, will seek to become the first man to ever win four NCAA X-Country individual titles.

4. Of Emails and Females

Carlos Danger is Trump’s new favorite Latino….

It seems that FBI director James Comey also wanted to be part of the CYA. No, that’s not a typo (for once). I mean he wants to be part of “Cover Your Ass.” In an effort to not later be seen as showing favoritism to the Clinton campaign, he appears to have bent over Simon Biles-style in the other direction by sending a vague letter to Congress last Friday, an unprecedented step.

Be clear on this, history: If the FBI were not independently investigating Anthony Weiner’s sexting, none of this ever comes up. And if Weiner hadn’t been married to Clinton’s top aide, Huma Abedin, that connection never occurs. If you’re wondering how come powerful institutions avoid the spouses or family members of disgraced characters, this is your exhibit A.

Not sure what HRC actually did wrong. Neither is anyone else, including Donald Trump or James Comey. But, like the buzzword “Benghazi!”, it causes the Trump-kins to salivate. There’s just something funny about a presidential candidate who won’t release any of his tax returns preening about his opponent having an uncovered emails problem, no?

Meanwhile, Newsweek’s Kurt Eichenwald notes the hypocrisy of Trump crowing about hidden emails. I love Kurt, and if Trump wins I’ll be sure to visit him monthly in whatever gulag Trump places him in.

5. Jose Fernandez

Aroldis Chapman has been paying tribute to his fallen countryman all postseason

This is not the last word on the Jose Fernandez situation, just the latest. Last Friday the Miami Herald sued the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner’s office for not releasing the autopsy and toxicology reports on the Miami Marlin pitcher, who died in late September in a boating crash that took the lives of himself and two other men on the boat.

That legal action prompted a letter from Miami-Dade mayor Carlos Gimenez that basically said, “Don’t look at us; Florida Fish & Wildlife says this is still an active criminal investigation.”

To which the Miami Herald replied, rightly, “Everyone on board the boat is dead; whom could you be investigating?”

To which Gimenez replied, “Hey, FF&W, you wanna be part of this lawsuit?”

To which FF&W replied, ‘Uh, no.”

To which the ME’s office released the reports, which tell us that Fernandez had cocaine in his system and was intoxicated by nearly twice the legal limit (,147 as compared to .08). The other two victims, Emilo Macias and Eduardo Rivero, both had alcohol levels BELOW the legal limit but the latter had coke in his system.

Meanwhile, authorities have interviewed a “highly reliable” witness who said that Fernandez was not driving, that he was on a cellphone at the time of the crash. None of this brings the three men back, none of it taints what Fernandez did on the diamond. It’s just the latest story, and won’t be the last, of young men being reckless. And paying for it with the highest possible price.

Music 101

Monster Mash

This is the only version of Bobby Pickett’s quirky 1962 “graveyard smash” in which the artist is seen performing it (even if he is lip-synching). Pickett, an aspiring actor, did a Boris Karloff impersonation for friends and they encouraged him to to more with it. This was the result. The lyric “Now my ‘Monster Mash’ is the hit of the land” were prophetic: the song hit No. 1 on the Billboard chart the week before Halloween that year.

Remote Patrol

Scare Fest

Halloween AMC 2 p.m.

The Shining IFC 4:30 p.m. & 7:45 p.m.

House on Haunted Hill TCM 4:30 p.m.

The Strangers SyFY 7 p.m.

Look behind you, Liv!

Best movie of the bunch? “Heeeeeere’s Johnny!” Halloween is the godfather of horny teens -paying-for-it fright fests, House on Haunted Hill is classic Vincent Price, and The Strangers is the spookiest film I’ve seen in the past decade (wish the ending had been a little less sadistic, though)

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 49th to Julia Roberts….

Starting Five

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLjdoF7Es6s

Loop, There It Is(n’t)

Losing both Vine and Vinyl in the same year. This is tough. It’s worse because I still don’t really know what the difference between a Vine and a GIF is. Or why Twitter is dismantling it. Will this affect the quality of your life? Probably so, in a beneficial way.

2. Fast Out of the Gate

A laconic MVP-worthy talent in San Antonio who lost a parent too early in life. We’ve seen this before.

It was only one game but do you realize that Anthony Davis currently leads the NBA in points per game (50) and steals per game (7) and is second in the NBA in rebounds per game (16) and blocks per game (4)?

It was only one game, but do you realize that James Harden (yes, selfish James Harden) leads the NBA in assists per game (17) and that his oft-sulky teammate Dwight Howard leads the NBA in rebounds per game (19)? (UPDATE: Apparently Dwight Howard is now an Atlanta Hawk; no one told me.)

It was only two games, but do you realize that Kawhi Leonard is averaging 32.5 points per game and that is in part due to his being 22-22 from the free throw line?

Also, do you realize that all four of these superstars play along a 550 mile stretch of I-10?

3. Saint Lawrence

The Saints have allowed just six touchdowns in seven games

The stingiest defense in college football belongs to a Division III school located in upstate New York. The St. Lawrence University Saints allow just 5.9 points per game and have shut out four of their seven opponents. The Saints are 7-0 under first-year head coach Dan Puckhaber, an Ithaca alum who used to play professional football in Italy.

By the way, there are a dozen D-III schools that are still 7-0 or better right now.

4. Lonely Island

This is St. Kilda, the outermost island of the Outer Hebrides  (60 or so miles west of the Scottish mainland and 40 miles distant from the closest remote island), that was once inhabited by humans but has since been abandoned.

Humans lived on St. Kilda once, but it is now a ghost town

It’s mostly just gannets and puffins (birds) now. Here’s an article all about it by the BBC. If you ever really, really want to get away from it all.

Above, that’s Stac An Armin, just off St. Kilda and the highest sea stack in the British Isles at 643 feet tall. It is twice the height of Big Ben.

5. A Stranger Things Christmas

Personally, I think they should have started with “Its The Upside Down, Charlie Brown,” but beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

Reserves

The return of Really Tall Portland Ken….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0ntO-an3YE

Music 101

In The Wee Small Hours of The Morning

Sinatra. A-number-one. Top of the heap. King of the hill. Cream of the crop of the top of the heap. Believe it or not, this song was actually written in the wee small hours of the morning by David Mann (composer) and Robert Hilliard (lyrics) in New Jersey.

Remote Patrol

World Series

Game 3

FOX 8 p.m.

Smoltz, a Hall of Famer, is an excellent fit in the booth

The broadcast is much improved this season, with John Smoltz replacing Harold Reynolds in the booth and Tom Verducci designated for assignment (on the field). Think about how last October, in Game 1, that technical difficulty brought us Smoltz on the MLB Network international feed. Many of us preferred Smoltz and Matt Vasgersian. I think FOX saw our tweets. That electrical outage had some major broadcast ramifications.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 158th to Teddy Roosevelt, a well-to-do native New Yorker who fought in a war and cherished the environment

Starting Five

Zobrist already has 5 hits in the Fall Classic, two for extra bases

Ben There, Done That

Theo Epstein and his staff rightly deserves credit for making terrific draft picks since arriving in 2011 (e.g., Kris Bryant and Kyle Schwarber), but the Cubs’ best player through two games of the World Series has been an easy and obvious choice: free agent pick-up Ben Zobrist. The 6’3″ left fielder, who hit .303 last postseason while helping the K.C. Royals to the championship, has five hits through two games, including a double and a triple, for the Cubs.

Kyle Schwarber is the more intriguing story, and Jake Arrieta threw five innings of no-hit ball last night, but Zobrist, batting clean-up, has been a very tough out.

2. Educational Ladder

In China, students in a cliffside village had to descend a series of vines to get to school each day, but now locals have constructed a ladder made of steel (“steel from CHINA!”) for them. So no more bitching about how you had to walk two miles uphill through the snow…

Taking “No Child Left Behind” to absurd lengths…

And yet, can you not see how students who grow up in an environment like this are most likely going to be tougher, more resilient adults than the juice-box, participation-trophy pansies we’re raising? Yeah, I said it. But it’s true.

3. Put The Biscuit In the Basket

Davis became the first player to score 50 points in a season opener since a more celebrated “23” once did

Notable scorers from the NBA’s first true coast-to-coast night of the season…

Joel Embiid, Philly, 20 points in his debut. Loss.

Jordan Clarkson, Lakers, 25 points in 25 minutes. Win.

Russell Westbrook, OKC, 32 points. Win.

Ejected

James Harden, Houston, 34 points. Loss.

DeMar DeRozan, Toronto. 40 points. Win.

Anthony Davis. NOLA. 50 points. Loss.

4. Coach of Top Running Team Walking Away

Heins is in his 10th season at NAU

Eric Heins is just 39 and the men’s cross-country coach at Northern Arizona University, which is ranked No. 1 nationally (shhhh, Flagstaff, Arizona, a great place to live, but SHHH, tell no one) and unanimously .

Kaci is a total space camp nerd….

But, after the season, win or lose, Heins is stepping down from the job. Why? His wife got a great job offer in another city. Kaci Heins, a middle school science teacher, has been offered the job of education supervisor at the Space Center Houston. Kaci is a former Arizona Middle School Science Teacher of the Year. Pretty impressive all around.

5. O What An Error

Not completely free of blame, but not as horrific as you thought

French-Canadian flight attendant Gaetan Dugas has long been known as “Patient Zero” in the AIDS epidemic, and was basically blamed for copulating and populating the disease all over the United States. Dugas, who was quite the swordsman, was blamed for infecting hundreds of men who infected others and so and so on until half a million Americans died.

Now comes research that the disease had arrived on U.S. soil at least 10 years before Dugas, who died in 1984, did. Further study shows that Dugas was originally classified as “Patient O” for “Outside the U.S.” as opposed to “Patient 0”, which is different.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Dugas’ blood type had been “Type-O Negative?” ( <–See what I did there?)

Music 101

Le Freak

Exactly how disco was this No. hit by Chic? It was inspired by bassist Bernard Edwards being refused entrance into Studio 54 on New Year’s Even 1977. He had been invited to the NYC club by Grace Jones, who forgot to tell the doormen that she wanted him on the VIP list. “Freak Out” was a euphemism for another two-word epithet. The song went to No. 1 in five different countries in 1979, including the USA.

Remote Patrol

Meet The Hitlers

TMC 10:05 p.m.

This is a real thing: a 90-minute doc examining people whose last name is Hitler. From 2014.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 71st to Jaclyn Smith, a.k.a. “Kelly” from Charlie’s Angels

Starting Five

Assault by battery: Perez and Kluber combined for 6 shutout innings, 15 strikeouts and two home runs

Whiff Series

Three Cleveland pitchers—Corey Kluber, Andrew Miller and Cody Allen—combined for 15 strikeouts as the Tribe took Game 1, 6-0. Things to ponder: 1) the Cubs, the third-most prolific offense in all of baseball this season behind the Red Sox and Rockies, have been shut out in three of their past six games, 2) Tribe catcher Roberto Perez, the 9th hitter in the order, hit two bombs (for 4 RBI); no 9th hitter had ever hit two home runs in a World Series game before that, 3) Kluber struck out eight in the first three innings, also a World Series first, 4) the Tribe are now 61-0 this season when they grab a lead of three runs or more, 5) Terry Francona is 9-0 as a manager in World Series games, and 6) John Smoltz did an excellent job; Harold Reynolds ain’t coming back to a World Series booth.

2. Fault Lines

Both the Dubs and KD are riding four-game losing streaks at the moment

The Golden State Warriors, who won their first 24 games last season and did not lose a home game until April 1st, were blown out at Oracle (in front of Queen Bae and that dude she’s been hanging out with) last night by 29 by the Spurs.

Reason to worry? Yeah, a little. It’s not so much the addition of future HOF’er Kevin Durant that is the problem, it’s the subtraction of big men Andrew Bogut and Marrese Speights. The Dubs are gonna score, but are they gonna defend or rebound this year? San Antonio out rebounded them 55-35, which is kind of significant. Watch them make a midseason trade for a big at some point.

The Dubs looked lost, but “Inside the NBA” was in midseason form with their riff on a Portland fan their cameras uncovered

Yes, it was only one game, but Klay Thompson did not look very happy the entire night. He took the fewest shots of GSW’s big four and wound up with the fewest points: 11. Keep an eye on the Klay Happiness meter, and I’ll say it now: I bet there’s a coach in Los Angeles who would love to have him.

Keep an eye on Spurs’ second-year swing man Jonathon Simmons. Former D-Leaguer scored 20 points in just 28 minutes and had a LeBronian block on a Steph Curry breakaway in the third quarter.

Finally, Kawhi Leonard MVP alert. In his first game since Tim Duncan’s retirement, Leonard scored a career-high 35 and also had 5 rebounds and 5 steals.

Finally FINALLY, if you follow me on Twitter, you know I was never in favor of KD going to GSW: bad for both teams and, I believe, ultimately bad for him. He had a better situation in OKC and that decision was made too soon after season’s end.

3. “She Turned Me Into A Newt”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMlC0-Ut8Ng

If you have yet to see Megyn Kelly versus Newt Gingrich, you should watch. “I think your defensiveness on this may speak volumes, sir.” ROASTED!

.@MegynKelly made a total fool out of herself tonight- attacking @realDonaldTrump

And as for Dan Scavino, Jr.,’s question, I think Kelly could go to any network that ponies up enough cash. She’s taken her stand this election, and it’s sort of a shame none of her FOX colleagues came to her defense. Considering her ex-boss, Roger Ailes, was being sued for sexual harassment with nearly as many accusers as Donald has, maybe we shouldn’t have been that surprised.

4. When They Go High, We Go Jadlow

Jadlow played at IU in the late Eighties

Former Indiana Hoosier Todd Jadlow penned a memoir, Jadlow: On The Rebound, about his overcoming drug and alcohol addiction, but also dropped in a few spicy anecdotes about playing for Bob Knight, one of which included the legendary coach grabbing players’ testicles (not in a sexual manner, but to see how tough they were?). Anyway, recall that Knight has stumped for Trump, and cue that Hoosier hysteria.

5. Don’t Stand, Don’t Stand So, Don’t Stand So Close To Me

McKenna

Scottsdale Chaparral High School is filled with the well-to-do and the glamorous: alums include Paul Konerko, Taylor Lewan, Darrell Bevell (the Seahawk coach who called for the pass in SB 49), actress Busy Phillips and Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Two years ago Newsweek rated it the No. 1 high school in Arizona.

Last month the school’s track coach, Chris McKenna, 38, a former “Teacher of the Year,” was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having sex with a student. The student attended a different high school, but McKenna had met her at a meet. Worse, after the relationship was discovered and he was first arrested, McKenna continued meeting the 17 year-old, buying them both disposable phones and meeting her in parking lots while wearing an ankle bracelet.

McKenna was (is still?) married and the relationship lasted 6 to 9 months.

An aside: the judge in the case, Chris Coury, attended high school with me and was a year or two behind me in the same dorm at the same college. I don’t know if he will play himself in the inevitable Lifetime movie.

Music 101

Lucille

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SDVkdcO8ts

No, this song is not a tribute to a bat wrapped with barbed wire. This was the song that brought country star Kenny Rogers into the mainstream and made him an international success (the song went to No. 1 in the UK), even though younger folks may think it was “The Gambler.” This tune was a staple of AM radio in early 1977, hitting No. 5 on the Billboard charts. I’ll admit that as a kid I thought he was singing “with four hundred children,” which made me wonder a little about farm folk.

Remote Patrol

Thunder at Sixers

ESPN 8 p.m.

Keep an eye on 6’10” Philly rookie Dario Saric out of Croatia

Yeah, yeah, Game 2 of the World Series (first pitch at 7:08 p.m.) is a must-watch, but this one intrigues me. The Sixers will unveil Joel Embiid after his red-shirt year, while Russell Westbrook cannot wait to show off now that Kevin Durant has departed. I think he’ll go for 40, especially since Philly could be starting two rookies and guard Jerryd Bayless is injured. Also hurt: Ben Simmons and Nerlens Noel. Finally, I’m curious to see Domantas Sabonis’ rookie debut for OKC.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 32nd to Katy Perry…..

Starting Five

There is no room for failure with these Warriors. A 70-win season and a championship is expected.

1. Return of the NBA

They’re baaaaaack.

The Golden State Warriors enter the season with a three-game losing streak and two former MVPs (Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant) in their starting five. The last time one team had two former MVPs on the roster was a few years back when the Lakers had both Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash, but both were in their twilight years. Curry and Durant remain in their primes.

This two-MVP experiment in California was a mistake

The Spurs, who visit Golden State tonight, return for the first time this century without Tim Duncan (who never won an MVP award) (<–Medium Happy regrets the error, as well as the era) on their roster.

Breakout All-Star this season? Second-year Suns guard Devin Booker, who was No. 5 in scoring in the preseason behind established studs DeMar DeRozan, Durant, James Harden and Curry.

The Suns’ 6’6″ 2nd-year guard out of Kentucky will be an All-Star this season. Book(er) it.

Will the Warriors and Cavs meet for a third consecutive time in the NBA Finals? Barring injury, yes.

2. Legends of the Fall League

Schwarber getting his Eddie Vedder on in Arizona

In Mesa and Scottsdale, Arizona, yesterday, not more than six miles apart, you could have spent a total of $16 to see Kyle Schwarber and Tim Tebow play baseball. The former may have earned a World Series ring a week from now; the latter is doing a good job, but is not a Major Leaguer. Last night the former Heisman Trophy winner went 0-4 and is now 2 for 24, or batting .083.

3. He’s No Don Rickles

Yesterday The New York Times printed a two-page spread of the 281 people, places and things that Donald Trump has insulted via Twitter during his campaign. When he goes low…

4. Dead Or Alive Singer Dead Not Alive

Burns was 57

The lead singer of Eighties New Wave act Dead Or Alive (“You spin me right round, baby, right round/Like a record, baby, right round right round“), Peter Burns, has died. A true eccentric, Burns was first married to a woman, then married to a man, and claimed that he was “addicted to cosmetic surgery.” ( <–Look out, Joe Buck), as he had as many as 300 procedures done, mainly on his face. The only thing not eccentric about Peter Burns was his name.

5. Taylor In Texas

Did you really think we were not going to mention that Taylor Swift played her one and only concert of 2016 last weekend in Austin, Texas? The former better half of HiddleSwift played before an estimated 80,000 fans at a motor speedway and for the first time played the song that she helped write, uncredited, for ex-beau Calvin Harris, “This Is What You Came For.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tscUgyW1WQQ

Here’s hoping she makes an appearance at the CMAs next week. They’re family, after all, and she needs a little home cookin’.

Music 101

After The Rain

God bless Nelson. No, I mean it. If you’re going to marry Late Eighties L.A. Hair Metal with a cheesy, blond version of Extreme, then go for it all the way. Matthew and Gunnar, twin sons of the legendary teen idol Ricky Nelson, went beyond Wilson Phillips in the early Nineties as scions with a taste for an MTV-ready hit. I’ll never blame them, and I think they had to be at least 60% of the inspiration for Wayne’s World.

Remote Patrol

World Series, Game 1

FOX 8 p.m.

It’s here. The Indians last won a World Series in 1948. The Cubs last played in a World Series in 1945. When the Cubs won the World Series, baseball had three teams in New York, two each in Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago and St. Louis, and none west of that last city. And 16 teams overall.