Starting Five

The Wedge at Newport Beach. I’m in awe of people who take on surf like this

1.  What up, Bee-och?

What if a hurricane hit off the coast of California and neither hyper-possessed sharks nor Ian Ziering accompanied it? Welcome to this week on the coast of southern California, where tremendous swells have led to 10-15 foot sets.

It’s crazy to go in ocean like that, no? I mean, I love the beach as much as anyone, but look at that photo. Wow. If I’m the lifeguard, I’m like, “You know what, guys? I’ll be back at the guardhouse brewing a fresh pot of Peet’s. Why don’t you go handle the next rescue?”

2. Josh Shaw’s Day Off

Is it possible that Josh Shaw was just a little proud of himself at how he was outsmarting the adults? Was he singing “Twist and Shout” atop a vehicle in a parade on Figueroa Street?

So I wrote a story in Newsweek about the Josh Shaw mess yesterday (two, actually). Here’s what we know:

1) Josh Shaw lied–repeatedly. He has acknowledged as much.

2) USC asked him….over and over and over and over and over…and then, over…if his slightly incredible story was correct. They were staring in the face of their team leader and basically saying, “We don’t truly believe this, but you are Josh Shaw and we’re giving you the benefit of the doubt.” Plus, the people –not just family members–whom Josh pointed at as back-up on the story all corroborated his piece.  And Shaw was insisting that it was true.

What if you are USC and after all that you don’t run the story? Do you really think the media is not going to find out a team captain has two high ankle sprains? And do you really think he’s not going to tell them the same story he peddled to USC? And if you are USC and don’t run the story, you are telling your team captain, “WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU,” which is a pretty awkward thing to say five days before the season opener. Aaaaaaand, if the media gets a whiff of that, that you didn’t run this heroic story because you questioned its veracity, oh, they’re going to destroy you for that.

As one friend of mine who appears on TV regularly told me yesterday, “Rinaldi was probably picking out pocket squares after he read that piece.”

3) We’d love to get Josh Shaw’s side of the story: he’s not talking. He’s lawyered up. Even though no criminal charges are pending against him. What’s that about?

It was not until Wednesday that Shaw began backpedaling on his version of events.

4) In some ways, Shaw is guilty of the worst kind of pathological lie. In others, he’s painfully naive. To not understand that he’s not a nobody, that as a team captain at USC you just can’t expect to fabricate the type of story you did and not have the national media descend upon you to go all “Tell Lara Spencer exactly how it happened” and “Oh, can we get you in a two-shot with your nephew?” Really, now, Mo’ne Davis is SOOOO last week. In the immortal words of Geno Auriemma, “What a dope.”

5) No one –especially not me–is accusing Shaw of doing anything wrong. Except lying. But lying is a pretty big one. Especially a lie as big and bold and intricate as this one. For those who say, “All he did was lie, there was no harm done,” all I can ask is, “Are you already a congressman or a senator?” How sad and depraved.

6) Whatever Josh Shaw WAS up to on Saturday night, he considered it worth jeopardizing his standing at USC to lie about it and concoct this bizarre story. Why not just say he was goofing off with friends and tried to jump off a wall? He’s a college kid on a Saturday night. There’s lots of ways to claim you hurt your ankle without bringing a drowning seven year-old family member into the story.

7) He wanted it known he was in Palmdale, an hour north (and home of Lennay Kekua, incidentally) and not in L.A. Why? Finally, might it just be possible that he was getting a kick out of not only not getting in trouble for whatever went down at the Orsini Apartments, but for manipulating USC into making him a hero? Might there have been a little Ferris Bueller action going on, and might he not have been a little proud of himself for how shrewd he was? Maybe?

3. Hill Country

Hill was surrounded all night by Cock blockers and actually flourished.

The answer to “How will Texas A&M replace Johnny Manziel?” is “44 for 60 with 511 yards and 3 TDs in his debut, which just happened to come on the road in the SEC in a Thursday night game on national television.”

Or you can just say, “Kenny Hill.” The red-shirt sophomore out of Southlake, Texas, broke Manziel’s school passing yards and completions record in his debut. The Aggies won 52-28, somewhat muting the Ol’ Ball Coach on this evening in Columbia.

Also starring: Aggie true freshman defensive back Armani Watts, who made a series of terrific hits against the Gamecocks. Keep an eye on him.

4. Eye of the Liger

As soon as he throws this football over that mountain, Uncle Rico is headed to St. Louis for a tryout.

An oral history of Napoleon Dynamite? I’ll read it if I feel like it! GOL!

5. Oh! J. Simpson

With last night’s win in 3:59.92, Simpson earns the season championship in the world’s only prestigious track and field “league.”

Track stars don’t earn quite what NBA or MLB players do, so forgive Jenny Simpson her excitement at winning last night’s 1500 in Zurich and with it the Diamond League season championship and an extra $50,000. Watch Simpson hold off fellow American Shannon Rowbury over the final 50 meters and dive for pay dirt as if she were that other Simpson.

Simpson wins by .01 of a second.

By the way, the British announcer here, whose name I don’t know, is cracking good.

Reserves

That was last year. This time Petit, tied at 45 hitters in a row with Mark Buehrle, would not be denied.

Rule 27

You know Rule 27: “You can always see something you’ve never seen before in baseball.” Last night San Francisco Giant pitcher Yusmeiro Petit retired the first eight Colorado Rockies batters he faced, bringing his total to a Major League-record of 46 in a row, before surrendering a hit.

Because it’s baseball, of course the batter who ended Petit’s streak was Rockies pitcher Jordan Lyles.

Petit’s streak stretched over eight games, most of them in relief. You may recall that last September, while on another streak, Petit retired 26 consecutive Arizona batters in one game before this happened.

Goodell Hunting: NFL commissioner walks the final step in the road to maturity: admitting he was wrong. It’s a start, Roger Goodell.

Frozen Water: The Ice Bucket Challenge Curse continues…

Mr & Mrs. Smith Finally Tie The Knot (as opposed to “tie the Nazi” which is something Aldo Raine would have gladly done)

Where in the World?

It’s been so long, I’ll refresh your memory with the previous one:

The Metropol Parasol, located in Seville, Spain, is made entirely of wood (heh, heh)

Today’s…

Hint: It’s the world’s tallest…

Remote Patrol

Saturday

Navy’s Under Anchor helmets

FOOTBALL!!!!!!

No. 5 Ohio State at Navy….Noon, CBS Sports Net

No one actually enjoys playing the Midshipmen

No. 7 UCLA at Virginia…..Noon, ESPN

Myles Jack on the East Coast

BPL: Chelsea at Everton….. NBC, 12:30 p.m.

Honk if you hate John Terry

West Virginia vs. No. 2 Alabama….3:30, ABC

Katherine Webb ain’t walkin’ through that door (alas, a lass)

Rice at No. 17 Notre Dame….3:30, NBC

Who will be the fifth suspended starter? And how will Kathryn Tappen do?

Arkansas at No. 6 Auburn…. 4 p.m., SEC Net

Over/under on number of plays Nick Marshall sits? Seven

No. 16 Clemson at No. 12 Georgia…5:30 p.m., ESPN

It’s Georgia’s year. I can feel it.

Fresno State at No. 15 USC….7:30 p.m., FOX

The game is actually at 10:40 p.m in Palmdale. Tune in then.

No. 1 Florida State vs. Oklahoma State…8 p.m., ABC

King Crab vs. Eskimo Joe’s

No. 14 Wisconsin vs. No. 13 LSU….9 p.m., ESPN

Leonard Fournette versus Melvin Gordon. Run-fest.

Starting Five*

Now with five actual items…

“How big a fib did you tell? Oh, that big?”

1. He Was Just Josh-in’

USC cornerback Josh Shaw will definitely not be showering with his teammates this week.

The Josh Shaw Playlist, available for perusal to the Stanford Band for the Trojans’ game in the Alto of Palo on September 6:

“Holding Out For A Hero”……Bonnie Tyler (thanks to Jamie Reidy)

“Rescue Me”………Aretha Franklin

“Hero”…..Mariah Carey

“Free Fallin'” …..Tom Petty

“Hero Takes a Fall”….The Bangles

“Jump”…..Van Halen

“Reason I’m Alive”….Drowning Pool

“Would I Lie to You?” Eurhythmics

“The Man Who Fell to Earth”….David Bowie

“Unbelievable”…..EMF

“Jumper”….Third Eye Blind

The Orsini Apts., just a hop, skip and a jump from USC’s campus.

Shaw’s alibi –I was rescuing my seven year-old nephew from drowning– may seem far-fetched now, but his original story was worse: Raymond Burr and I got in a scuffle over a camera strobe.

You’re right: No one will ever believe this.

Interesting coincidences with USC’s sexiest rival, Notre Dame:

1) The man who originated the Lennay Kekua catfishing scheme actually lives in Palmdale, where Shaw first said he was on Saturday night (it’s his hometown).

2) Cody Riggs, a grad student with a final year of eligibility remaining, just transferred to  Notre Dame and from Florida and will start at cornerback Saturday. He and Shaw were teammates and position mates in Gainesville for two seasons.

By the way, an on-air reporter for ESPN described Shaw as “articulate” this week.

2. The Red Grange Award

He’s black and sports dreads: “That looks like my boyfriend, Josh Shaw.”

As you know, tonight college football season actually begins (Did you notice that they rolled out a red carpet as a pre-show earlier this week?), which means this is our final chance to post a Red Grange Award prediction without compromise.

As you also may know, the Red Grange honors the most spectacularly awesome football player of that season. It’s named after a player who fits that description, as opposed to a coach who runs up 222-0 scores on people. Anyway, last year’s deserving winner was Myles Jack of UCLA.

Some of my favorites to consider this season: Marcus Mariota (Oregon), Jameis Winston (FSU), Jack, Everett Golson (Notre Dame), Nick Marshall (Auburn), Melvin Gordon (Wiscy) and Leonard Fournette (LSU). But my predicted winner is a guy I’ve been very high on for two seasons now, the Gurley Man, a.k.a. Todd Gurley of Georgia.

3. “The Sea Was Angry That Day…”

Rough surf on both coasts yesterday due to offshore hurricanes. For us mortals, it meant be careful with the boogie boards, while for Laird Hamilton it meant One More Chance to be Awesome. The surfing legend shot the pier at Malibu, which is highly dangerous (in fact, just a day earlier a surfer died here), but if you’ve read The Wave by Susan Casey, you realize Laird is half-god. Maybe more.

4. Team of Rivals (Not Really)

I won’t stop until Emma Coburn (above) and Jenny Simpson are household names

The last two women to hold the American steeplechase record happen to be close friends and former college teammates: Jenny Simpson, 28, had her five year-old American record eclipsed by Emma Coburn, 23, last month. Simpson is now one of the world’s premier 1500 runners –she was the world champion in 2011 and won a meet in Stockholm last week.

Both Coburn and Simpson, Colorado alums, run today in a meet in Zurich. Both the American records in the 3,000-meter steeple and the 1500 could fall. It’s the last time they’ll run in the same meet for awhile, as Coburn has to book home to Crested Butte, Colorado, for her older sister’s wedding on Saturday. Every second really does count.

5. The Ice Bucket Challenge Curse

Lauer survived his drenching…

It’s bad enough that Corey Griffin, a co-founder of the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS, died a week ago. Griffin, 27, drowned after jumping off a building into the surf on the island of Nantucket. At 2 a.m. Alcohol may have been involved?

And then a Scottish teen died in an Ice Bucket Challenge-related stunt.

And then there’s this woman.

And this man, who is unidentified, but you may know him. How did he survive this?

Starting Five

Did you find the Emmys Boron?

1. The Heisenberg Certainty Principle

Outstanding Drama (Breaking Bad). Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama (Bryan Cranston) Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama (Anna Gunn). Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama (Aaron Paul). Outstanding Writer in a Drama (Moira Walley-Beckett).

It looks like Walter White won, after all. And then when you add the smooch with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, a big fat middle finger to all those anti-dentites out there. Well played, Sneaky Pete.

Dr. Watley, I declare!

Hey, you know me. I think True Detective is the bee’s knees.* And Game of Thrones and Mad Men, are to me, also both better than Breaking Bad. But none of those three shows had a show hosted by Chris Hardwick that immediately followed them, and none of them bowed out after last season. Next year it’ll be Don Draper’s turn, like it or not.

*I’m consciously endeavoring to employ more Katie McCollow-approved phrases in my repertoire.

2. The Leftovers…

Three of these actors are multi-millionaires. The other is still waiting for the film version of “Mango” to be greenlit.

…is what every actor or series nominated against either Breaking Bad or a previous winner were left to scrounge for last night. Has an awards show ever been so guilty of being a repeat before? You want to see the Guilty Remnant? It’s the people who vote for Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates and Modern Family without even having watched TV all year.

Although, to be fair, I do believe Kathy Bates won for “Best Proprietor of an Upstate New York B&B.”

True Detective’s casting director deserved an Emmy for finding a phethora of brilliant character actors, among them Carter

I’ve said it before, but Brad Carter as Charlie Lange in just two scenes of “True Detective” deserved an Emmy for Outstanding Guest Actor. And Veep is the funniest show on television.

The second season of True Detective should revolve around two partners investigating why and how Modern Family always wins Best Comedy.

3. …and The Leftovers

“Are you a good guy?” “No–but my dad is.”

It only took eight episodes, but The Leftovers finally provided us with a compelling hour of television, start to finish. Chronologically, Sunday night’s episode would come first in the series. I understand why they waited so long to hand it to us –we needed to build up an emotional investment into the characters–but the show’s creators nearly slow-played their hand to cancellation.

Officer Kevin Garvey had a wonderful life –and a nicer home– but felt trapped. Wife Laurie wears makeup and can even speak but knows something is up. Daughter Jill is a dream child, while older son Tom stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bag just long enough to come home. And Grandpa has short hair and isn’t crazy–though he looks better long-haired and crazy. Oh, and Nora Durst is a loving mother whose husband is a deadbeat.

Jill Garvey (Margaret Qualley), who will go from presenting science fair experiments to being one (the fridge). The actress’ mom? Andie McDowell (I didn’t, either)

The final three minutes of Sunday’s episode was magical. Great tension as we got to be voyeurs, to see that life was actually taking place, messy as it is, just as that moment on October 13, 2011, happened. Sure, there were hints: the crack in the wall a the Garvey’s home, the crack in the coffee mug, the blown manhole cover, the car-full of middle-aged future GRers stopping to ask Kevin if he was ready.

Knowing what we knew what was about to happen, and that the characters were oblivious to it, amped the tension. Great stuff.

Now where do you go?

An aside: Has there ever been an HBO show with a greater disproportional display of male to female toplessness?

4. A Hole in England*

There are more than a few Brits who wish that this hole had appeared beneath Stamford Bridge

This sinkhole, located in County Durham in the far northeast of England, has gone from nothing to massive in just a week. Apparently, it’s located above an old lead mine. I see a BBC show coming out of this: Littler Britain.

The English are renowned for their bottomless pith. But now a bottomless pit?

*As opposed to A-hole in England, in which case we’d have placed a photo of Chelsea captain John Terry. 

5. Gregg Allman, Brother

Did the New York Times overstep its bounds by describing Michael Brown, who was laid to rest on Monday, as “no angel?” You can decide for yourself. On one hand, as many have pointed out, there “are no angels” among the living (seriously, you’ve never met Phyllis if you believe that).

On the other, as the news seems to have been tilted –before all the facts of the incident are fully known –that Brown was an innocent victim of an over-aggressive law enforcement officer –and there seems to be little outrage in the media, per se, over that characterization– I happen to think it’s a valid point.

It seems, if Brown were a living person, that this description would not be offensive but closer to accurate. Although I think the convenience store footage already told us that (it’s not the theft of the Swisher Sweets that is the troubling part, by the way; it’s the bullying and shoving of a clerk just trying to make a living). But, since Brown has been killed by a police officer’s bullets, many see the “no angel” line as the NYT trying to say that Brown might have deserved it.

Which, of course, is an opinion you’re welcome to have. But it’s not journalism’s job to spare anyone’s feelings. It’s journalism’s job to pile you with facts. And, in the context of the NYT story, I didn’t see where the “no angel” line was out of bounds. Your mileage may vary.

Starting Five

Somewhere a baton twirler is missing a costume

1. Bey Watch

The VMA’s aired on MTV last night, even though they should probably stream live on YouTube these days. When is the last time you tuned in to MTV to see a music video? (Answer: When is the last time I tuned in to MTV, period?)?

First, I want you to make a visit to Rihanna…

You do have to hand it to the VMAs, though. Instead of the standard girl-on-girl kiss as a play at shock value, they went with an attempted murder on the eve of the telecast. Someone pumped six shots into Suge Knight in what apparently was an attempted hit on either Chris Brown or Justin Bieber. We always knew that Suge was the world’s biggest gangsta, but now he just went Vito Corleone on the world, surviving six bullet wounds. The last person you want to be right now is the guy who failed on this hit. Suge has a few friends in the joint.

That linked LA Times article, by the way, notes that club goers at 10AK, as gunshots rang out, were “sent screaming and shouting into the streets with their hands in the air.” No mention, though, of whether or not they seemed to care.

2. The Mountain Wins Again*

Oberyn Martell finished a distant second, we presume

You may know him as The Mountain, or Gregor Clegane, or the Hound’s cruel older brother, but his parents know him as Hafthor Bjornsson. Last week the Icelandic (and Westeros) giant, 6-9 and 400 pounds, was crowned Europe’s Strongest Man.  The Toronto Sun cheekily noted that “no horses were hurt during this competition.”

*Should all five items employ lame ’90s references today? I’m still debating…

3. Walking on Broken Glass

The above photo was taken by a GFoMH, David Duncan, who besides being an old college friend is also the owner of Silver Oak Cellars. Life is not always a cabernet, as the weekend’s earthquake in Napa Valley proved, but David and his wonderful physcian wife, Kari (yet another Class of ’88 Domer) will rebound. Please support their return–you didn’t really want that Chilean red, anyway.

4. Tax Day

Punk’d meets punctured

No two words strike more fear into America than these: “Triathlon Vandals.” A national scourge. At the Steamboat (Colo.) Triathlon, staged earlier this month, hundreds of tacks were found strewn across Highway 131, causing 28 flat tires (fortunately, triathletes are renowned for their easy manner and que-sera attitude toward life, so nobody got their triathlon suit in a bunch). What’s next? Piranhas in the lake? Vinegar at the marathon water stations?

5. Black or White

We’ve come a long way since Irv Cross (whom I always liked)

Our friend Richard Deitsch –really, he is our friend– posed this question on Twitter: “What is the ceiling for an African-American sports host?” to introduce a Q&A he did with ESPN’s Michael “Not A.” Smith and Jemele Hill. Another friend, who is an on-air media person and may not want his name used, responded thusly, “Oh, I don’t know, hosting The NFL Today (James Brown), or the NCAA Tournament studio show on CBS  (Greg Gumbel) or NBA Countdown on ABC (Sage Steele), or Real Sports on HBO (Bryant Gumbel) or FOX NFL Sunday (Curt Menefee) or being the lead college football team for FOX (Gus Johnson and Charles Davis)…or co-hosting Live! with Kelly & Michael (Michael Strahan) or co-hosting Good Morning America on ABC (Robin Roberts and Strahan) or CBS This Morning (Gayle King) or…I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Remote Patrol

Emmy Awards

NBC 8 p.m.

I don’t own a TV. I’ll be home contemplating the moment in the garden…

Time really is a flat circle. The Emmys, which usually take place on a Sunday evening in September, air on a Monday evening in August. Expect tributes to Don Pardo and Robin Williams, but not to the Yellow King or Todd’s uncle. If you miss the show, we’ll have a recap here tomorrow and you’ll probably get the real dirt from Ryantology.net.

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