by John Walters

Starting Five

To Sirs With Love

We’re devoting an entire item to Brit birthday boys –and knights — Sir Anthony Hopkins (78) and Sir Ben Kingsley. Besides sharing today as a birthday, and both being septuagenarians, and both being knights, and both also being Oscar winners as Best Actor, they’ve also done something astonishing: been just as brilliant playing horrific but charming villains as well as princes of peace.

Kingsley as Don Logan in Sexy Beast

In 1992 Hopkins won an Academy Award, of course, for portraying Dr. Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. But he also played St. Paul in a TV miniseries for CBS in 1981, Peter and Paul (or, as I liked to call it, Poor Man, Poor Man). Kingsley won an Oscar for playing Gandhi (a lawyer by trade) in the eponymous 1982 film, but he steals every scene he is in playing the sadistic and hostile Don Logan in the 2001 movie, Sexy Beast.

Both Silence of the Lambs and Gandhi also won Best Picture at the Oscars.

2. It’s Always Sully In Philadelphia

Cosby: Nobody’s laughing

One day after the Eagles fire coach Chip Kelly, erstwhile Philly favorite son Bill Cosby is arraigned on charges of aggravated indecent assault. For all the dozens of women who have accused Dr. Huxtable of practicing bad medicine, this marks, I believe, his first arrest. As for the case in question, the statute of limitations was coming up on it next month, at the 12-year mark.

Stay tuned, I guess. Cosby made bail, but he surrendered his passport.

3. “What A Time To Be Alive!”

The Michigan Surrender Cobra. Spotted far too often this autumn…

The Year in Sports, Part I, Part 2, and Part C. By yours (why do they add “truly?”).

4. Jimbo Divorces Bimbo?*

Happier days

*I’m already sorry about that hed, but there’s nothing to be done about it now.

One day before Florida State meets Houston in the Peach Bowl, Seminole coach Jimbo Fisher’s divorce from his wife Candi is finalized. Proceedings moved ahead quickly once Jimbo’s attorneys made it clear that they were planning to depose Taylor Jacobs, a former University of Florida and NFL wideout.

To be fair, FSU Twitter and Gator websites have been all over this for the past six months….

Jacobs is now a personal trainer living in Tallahassee. In fact, he was Candi Fisher’s personal trainer. If you are good at math, I’ll let you do the rest of the addition.

And that’s not all!

If the rumored Jimbo & Candi & Taylor love triangle ain’t enough for you, here are 47 more Flori-Duh stories from 2015, compiled by the good folks at Esquire. My favorites are April 13, May 25, July 1 and November 1 and 9, but they’re all good.

5. Reggis Ball So Hard

Is it really “R Ball” Reggis, or is it just “YouR Ball” now?

Auburn defeated Memphis in the Birmingham Bowl, 31-10, last night, but Memphis Tiger 5th-year senior Reggis Ball had two interceptions. After the game Ball approached the Auburn sideline and attempted to snatch two Auburn Tiger footballs as keepsakes –the staff had been warned; apparently he’s done this before.

There was a scuffle. Ball, the younger brother of former Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball, got away with one football. Then he signed it and posted a photo of it on Instagram. Memphis dismissed Ball from the team immediately, even though he’s a fifth-year senior so there weren’t all that many team activities remaining for him.

Update: “Sources” tell us the ball Reggis pilfered was a kicking team ball, not an actual game ball. Oh.

Music 101

Baby Blue

“Guess I got what I deserved…”

The closing song for the series Breaking Bad, by Badfinger, was written more than 30 years earlier, but it was spot-on perfect for this moment. Walter White finds a scant measure of redemption on his 52nd birthday, setting up a trust fund for his family, poisoning Lydia, giving Skyler the GPS coordinates for Hank’s grave, and liberating Jesse Pinkman. He meets death alone, inside a functioning meth lab, with the hint of a smile on his face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C53QAuOoSgc

And yes, that is Kenny Rogers introducing the British band. The song reached No. 14 on the Billboard charts in 1972. You may know them better for their Beatles-esque tune “Day After Day.” Lead singer Pete Ham would hang himself three years later.

Remote Patrol

College Football Playoff

ESPN & ESPN 2 4 p.m.

Clemson’s DeShaun Watson has more versatile talents than Microsoft’s Watson

Will the most dramatic dropped ball be the one in Times Square (this would be a more intriguing question if Brent Musburger were calling one of the games)? Clemson and Oklahoma at 4 p.m. from Miami Gardens, followed by Michigan State and Alabama at 8 p.m. from Arlington. By the way, Brent and Jesse Palmer are calling the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day. That’ll be fun.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 40th to Tiger Woods, the Dorian Gray of sports.

And a Medium Happy 31st to that other guy, what’s-his-name….

Starting Five

Camelot Lost: This was Tiger and Elin around his 30th birthday…

1. Fooooore!-ty

Recapping our top story, Tiger Woods turns 40 today (cue Cinderella’s “Don’t Know What You Got [Til It’s Gone]”). What do you get the man who once had everything (and nearly everyone?).

In the decade between 1999 and 2008, Woods won 13 majors, or more than one per year (we’re good with math). He was married to one of the world’s most beautiful women –and later we would learn that she was pretty dang intelligent, too– he was worth hundreds of millions, and he had two healthy children.

Tiger had it all; but it wasn’t enough. It never is for the the world’s uber-overachievers (see: Lance Armstrong, Alexander the Great, etc). So often one’s greatest strength is also the source of one’s greatest weakness. Oh, well, 5,000-word cautionary tale think pieces should be the order of the day today.

Woods had won 14 majors by the age of 32, in June of 2008. But there he still stands, four behind Jack Nicklaus. Will he catch the Golden Bear? It’s unlikely, but time heals most wounds. I wouldn’t put it beyond him that he’ll win at least one more.

Here is ESPN.com with a “40 for 40” on Tiger’s life.

2. Goodbye, Mr. Chip

Did Kelly ever smile in Philadelphia?

Chip Kelly is out in Philly. I envision owner Jeff Lurie hoisting a four-figure placard that includes Shady McCoy, Riley Cooper, Donald Trump pointing a finger, and a noose.

What a fractious Eagles termination. Rumor has it that Glenn Frey wanted Kelly out when he refused to sing “Take It To The Limit” in concert. Meanwhile, Marcus Mariota in Nashville needs a head coach.

3. Welcome to the Desert!

When they were young/And their love/Was an open door…

The headliner at Coachella this April? Guns ‘n’ Roses, featuring the original lineup. GnR is finally, at long last, off RnR. The last time Axl Rose and Slash shared a stage together was on July 17, 1993 in Buenos Aires. Man, what a long, long time of missed opportunity. Coachella will take place on successive weekends this spring, April 15-17 and April 22-24.

The band is reportedly also negotiating to play a summer stadium tour and asking $3 million per show (not from each ticket holder, mind you). They’ll get it, too.

Funny: Slash played in a band with Scott Weiland. Then Weiland ODs. Two weeks later G’nR decide to reunite. Also, this tour could set a record for band mates who hate each other reuniting for exclusively mercenary purposes, breaking the mark set by the Eagles.

4. Swim Tragedy

Ramadan apparently blacked out, and no one noticed

A bizarre tragedy over the weekend involved a swimmer at Dartmouth and an unorthodox workout. Tate Ramsden, a 21 year-old junior on the Big Green swim team, was doing an extended workout at a YMCA aquatic center. He was apparently 4,000 yards into his workout and working on a set where he would attempt to swim 100 yards underwater, which is extremely difficult. And Ramadan just never came up. He drowned.

5. Star Wars: The Farce Awakens

I’m still waiting for the Spacebars sequel. May the Schwartz be with you!

So I will begin with the bold font disclaimer that I have yet to see the new Star Wars film, and that I have no desire to do so. Keep that in mind.

Nevertheless, I’m hearing that the plot is nearly a carbon copy of the original 1977 film. In other words, J.J. Abrams was shrewd enough not to mess with the formula, but he just packaged it in a new container hoping that kids wouldn’t know the difference and that adults wouldn’t care. More than $1 billion later in less than two weeks, is he wrong?

It’s like Abrams is performing “Dani California” and hoping that not too many people recognize that it’s Tom Petty’s “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.”

Music 101

Crystal Blue Persuasion

As you may have guessed by now, the theme of this week’s tunes are songs that were used in Breaking Bad. This cool vibe Tommy James & The Shondells hit from 1968 came into play at the brightest moment for Heisenberg’s gang: Gus Fring is gone, business is booming internationally, and Hank is both alive and still clueless. Vince Gilligan’s show was always the antithesis to “It’s always darkest before the dawn,” and no moment (pun alert) crystallizes that maxim more than this one. For a brief moment, it looked as if Walt and Skyler were going to get away with it and cash in big, as if Jesse would live happily ever after, and as if Drew Sharp would not be shot as a child by Todd but instead grow up to be an AP poll voter!

As an added bonus to you, the home viewer, here are the first two songs from this week with their Breaking Bad montages:

On A Clear Day, by The Peddlers…

Windy, by The Association. The actress who played the heroin-addled hooker, Wendy, is named Julia Minesci. A full-time casino dealer (try counting cards on her, Walt), Minesci did not get into acting until she was fifty, and she has completed the Hawaii Ironman six times.

Remote Patrol

Holiday Bowl: USC vs Wisconsin

ESPN 10:30 p.m.

Freshman Ronald Jones is the next great Trojan tailback

Don’t think of it as Tier 2 bowl game between yet another underachieving Trojan squad and a Badger team that should’ve beaten Iowa; think of it as the season finale of “Pac-12 After Sark.”

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 56th to the lovely Patricia Clarkson, UWS neighbor and avatar of independent films made in the NYC area

Starting Five

Couch, his blond hair dyed, violated the terms of his probation. His beer pong days are likely behind him.

1. This Isn’t Zihuatanejo, And You Are No Andy Dufresne

Adolescent affluenza mass murderer (four lives) Ethan Couch is captured, along with his mom, Tonya Couch, in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. So is this more Shawshank Redemption or is it more Y Tu Mama, Tambien? The Texas teen, now 18, faces extradition home and, possibly, to quote another film, one that deals with unlikely lawbreakers, Office Space, a “pound me in the ass” prison.

2. Peyton’s Place 

I don’t know who is telling the truth, and neither do you. Here’s whose opinion means nothing to me: any sports agent (Leigh Sternberg appeared on CNBC this morning to discuss it) and any ex-NFL player appearing on ESPN or any other network.

Here’s the things: Peyton Manning is as unassailable a brand as Lance Armstrong once was, as O.J. Simpson once was.

–He admitted that he visited the Guyer Institute, has received treatment there and gotten medication from them.

–He acknowledged, or at least did not deny, that his wife Ashley may have had HGH shipments sent to their home in her name.

–The Al Jazeera report never goes further than saying that the HGH was shipped to Peyton’s place. It implies certain things, and you and I may infer certain things.

Peyton Manning, who was recovering from possible career-ending neck surgery at the time in question, may be telling the truth. Most sports fans would like to believe that he is. But Peyton is a big boy. If he is “disgusted” that a report linking HGH shipments to the home of the most marketable player in the NFL has surfaced, but is unable to deny the verity of the report itself, then he needs an infusion of Reality Serum. His wife’s medical privacy is inviolable, sure, but he can’t pretend that these circumstances don’t open him up to a barrage of questions.

3. 10 Best List (First of Many, You May Assume)

Veni, Vidi & Vinci

Roberta Vinci. Jalen Watts-Jackson. Holly Holm. Joey Bautista. They were just some of the prime figures in the 10 Most Unforgettable Sports Moments of 2015. Warning: I’m totally and shamelessly cross-promoting, and possibly even cross-pollinating, here.

4. 1000X Club

Still the most valuable Amazon we have encountered

This morning shares of Amazon (AMZN) vaulted $18 per, to an all-time high of $694. That means that for the first time, AMZN is selling at more than 1,000 times earnings (the P/E). In terms even I can understand, think of a lemonade stand that earns $200 a year and then you are able to value that lemonade stand at $200,000. Because that’s what’s happening.

If AAPL stock, which sells at 12x earnings at $108 per share, had the same valuation, they’d be asking more than $9,000 per share.

Related: Get ready for a sequel to The Big Short starring a clean-pated Kevin Spacey as Jeff Bezos.

5. The Road’s Closed, Bitch!

Interstate 40 in New Mexico, a favorite thoroughfare of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman as they drove the Crystal Ship out to To’hajiilee to cook, was closed over the weekend east of Albuquerque, past Tucumcari, into the Texas panhandle and even parts of Oklahoma due to the winter storm.

If you’re familiar with that part of the American southwest, when I-40 is shut down, all traffic is halted.

Music 101

Windy

Think about the glut of musical talent that was filling the airwaves in the mid-Sixties (the Beatles, Beach Boys, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and the Supremes, just to name a few), and then consider that The Association placed two songs at No. 1 on the Billboard chart in that era. This, their second, owned the top spot in July of 1967. It was written not by any member of the six-man band, but rather by a woman, Ruthann Friedman, who was just 23 at the time.

p.s. There’s a theme to this week’s tunes. If you haven’t gotten it yet, it should become fairly clear tomorrow.

Remote Patrol

Gigi

TCM 8 p.m.

“Zank heavens/For little gurrrrls…” That is the extent of my knowledge of this 1958 musical, but it did win NINE Oscars, including Best Picture, so someone must have done something right. Although, in the “To Catch a Predator” world in which we now sadly live, can you find a creepier set of lyrics?  Zut alors!

Other things on TV include the Kennedy Center Honors on CBS at 9 (Carole King gets her star on the Washington Mall, or something like that), Pitch Perfect on ABC Family at 8, and Baylor (minus just about everyone you’d want to see) versus North Carolina in the “We Wish We Had Seth Russell Athletic Bowl” on ESPN at 5:30 p.m.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 34th to Sienna Miller….

Starting Five

Where was Tom Brady?

1. “Wanna Kick?”*

The Patriots and Jets were tied 20-20 when Bill Belichick A) did not send the smartest and  most charming player in team history out for the overtime coin toss and B) apparently told the players that he did send out that, should the Pats win the toss, they wanted to kick off.

The conversation between referee Clete Blakeman and Pats special teams captain Matthew Slater went thusly:
Blakeman: “Heads is the call.”

Blakeman: “It is heads.”

Blakeman: “You want to kick?”

Slater: “We want to kick, that way.”

Slater: “Hey, we won. Don’t we get to choose?”

Blakeman (mic off): “You elected to kick.”

I don’t know why Blakeman led the witness as he did, and I don’t know if Belichick is simply covering for Slater. Assume that he is not. Is it wiser to hope that you stuff the Jets on their first possession, so that you only need a field goal to win, or is it wiser to begin overtime with the ball in the hands of arguably the greatest quarterback in NFL history, who has the most dominant skill-position player in the league (Gronk) currently at his disposal?

Pats lose, while the Jets win their fifth in a row and now only need to beat ex-coach Rex Ryan and the Buffalo Bills next Sunday to make the playoffs.

*The judges will also accept “20-20 Hindsight”

2. 10-5, Good Buddies

The Chiefs have won nine in a row.

The Jets have won five in a row.

The Vikings –remember how upset Adrian Peterson was that he’d be returning to the Twin Cities this season– have won their last two games by at least three touchdowns. And AD leads the league in rushing.

All three teams, who once were supposedly a mess in September (Geno Smith/Alex Smith and 1-5/AD’s unhappiness), are 10-5, and at least two of them have clinched playoff positions. It’s like the teams from Super Bowls III and/or IV just want to be there for SB L (even though no one is calling it that).

A reminder that we can all learn a lot from the Zen Master. Particularly in the breathless, myopic era of Twitter.

3. Elliott Mess

Flanked by Sam Champion and Matt Ginnella (formerly of SI, as well, and now with the Golf Channel)

We’ve all been waiting for the other shoe to drop with our talented friend Josh Elliott for quite some time. His marriage to the Peacock (NBC) went little better than those bethrothals between 30 Rock and Michelle Beadle and Jamie Horowitz.

It was noteworthy that Josh’s most visible moments on Twitter this year were for his wedding to WABC news anchor Liz Cho and at his appearance for the 40th anniversary of Good Morning, America (where, professionally, he seemed truly happy).

I’ve wanted to know what’s up for more than a year, but I didn’t want to put Josh in an awkward position. You could just tell that NBC wasn’t working out, and if he’s bowing out just six months before the Summer Olympics, well, they did not have him in their plans.

Does Josh head to Fox Sports and Los Angeles for a working reunion with Horowitz? And does that mean he’s going to rob us New Yorkers of Cho!?!? Nooooo!!! What ever happens, the MH staff wishes him the best.

4. And That’s Why They Call It The Sun Bowl

Blizzard conditions in El Paso as Miami met Washington State in full-on Pullman weather for the Sun Bowl. The Hurricanes have now played two Sun Bowls in ice or snowy conditions in the past five years –and lost both games — and played a Micron PC Computers Bowl in Boise on New Year’s Eve, 2006, in 19-degree temps (I was there; ouch). The Canes are the only team in America who consistently go bowling in the worst weather that they’ll see all season.

Oh, and whose idea was it to attempt a halfback option pass on the decisive drive (ending in an INT)? I’d say that was as bad as an idea as going topless in your Urban Sombrero to this game, but at least this dude got to cozy up to Allie LaForce.

The Cougs won, 20-14.

5. Full Moon Fervor

Santa did not need Rudolph to guide his sleigh that night….

For the first time in 38 years, we had a full moon on Christmas. Some people want to make it the Sportsman of the Year.

Music 101

On A Clear Day (You Can See Forever)

We’re going to do another Theme Week, but I’m not going to disclose what that theme is just yet. Take a couple of days and see if you can figure it out on your own. This song was originally written in 1929 for a musical titled “Berkeley Square,” then was reincarnated in 1965 for a musical with the same title as the song. Numerous performers (Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Shirley Bassey, Robert Goulet, etc.  <– If you watch/listen to just one of those, make it Bassey; she’s excellent) have covered it; this version is from The Peddlers and was released in 1968.

Remote Patrol

The Exorcist

Sundance 9 p.m.

I only had nightmares for 3 consecutive nights after seeing this film as a boy.

Is this 1973 classic the scariest horror film ever made? Let’s say that it was a true head-turner. The first horror movie to be nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, it actually was nominated for 10 overall and won two. Linda Blair’s career peaked here, and that’s Jason Patric’s dad, Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Jason Miller (That Championship Season) as the priest.

by John Walters

“I seem to recognize/His face/Haunting, familiar yet/I can’t seem to place it…” A Medium Happy 51st to Eddie Vedder!

Starting Five

1. Festivus? Giddyup!

The “Airing of the Grievances.” The “Feats of Strength.” And of course, the Festivus pole. It’s a Festivus for the rest of us, and it happens today. And let me tell you, “I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!”

Problem No. 1: The commercialization of Festivus! What ever happened to simply griping, lifting large objects, and gathering around an aluminum pole. Wasn’t that enough?

And is there a War on Festivus? Is nothing not sacred, sacred?

2. Everything’s Coming Up Rosie

The movie will be Aussome

Meet Don Tillman (Body Mass Index: 25). Don is a genetics prof at a prestigious university in Melbourne who, nearing age 40, decides that it is time to reproduce and have a life partner. Don is fastidious, precise, schedule-oriented, and highly intelligent, and so he creates The Wife Project, a 16-page questionnaire to weed out unworthy applicants.

Of course, Don’s plan goes awry. Imagine Sheldon Cooper of The Big Bang Theory accidentally happening upon, perhaps literally, a red-headed step child (I’m not sure who will play her in the film; Jennifer Lawrence had the role, then dropped out;)

. You can reduce this book, Samson’s debut novel, to a “RomCom,” but it’s so clever and witty, hilarious and warm, and its commitment to the main character’s, um, eccentricity, is so deep, that it’s far superior to that. One of the most enjoyable books I’ve read in a long, long time. My thanks to ardent MH reader An Inconvenient Ruth for suggesting I read it.

3. Bad Beats: The Ultimate

The Bahamas Bowl had the same type of fan frenzy as a Thursday afternoon freshman football game.

Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of the worst bad beat I know of. If you’ve got a worse one, Scott Van Pelt, I wanna hear it:

The 2014 Bahamas Bowl. Western Kentucky, minus 2, versus Central Michigan. At the beginning of the fourth quarter, the Hilltoppers (WKU) leads 49-14. 49-14!! Steve Levy, Lou and Mark May are talking about how they’re going to hop planes and get home in time for the end of Christmas eve. WKU is up by 35 and only has to win by 2. Deck the halls, baby! Deck the freakin’ halls!

Then CMU scores. And scores again. And again. Four touchdowns! Suddenly it’s 49-42, but all WKU has to do is run out the clock. I forget why they don’t: incomplete pass? Someone ran out of bounds? I forget.

Anyway, CMU gets the ball back for ONE. FINAL. PLAY. But they’re on their own 25 yard-line. No chance, right? Nope. CMU throws a Hail Mary pass, does a few laterals, and scores on the game’s final play. It’s 49-48.

And still, as bad as that is, if CMU just kicks the PAT and sends it to overtime, you still have at 50/50 shot of winning your bet if you took WKU. But, NOOOOO! (Belushi voice). CMU goes for 2, so either way you lose. To add insult to injury, CMU fails on the 2-point conversion, so WKU, the team you took to win by at least 2, gets the win but doesn’t cover.

Find me a worse bad beat than that, SVP.

4. Tranches and Collateralized Derivatives: A Hollywood Story

Today marks the theatrical release of The Big Short, an adaptation of the Michael Lewis book that tells the complex story of the sub-prime mortgage housing crisis that ultimately crippled the American economy in a highly entertaining way. How? Because Lewis focused on a few iconoclast rebels, outliers who saw an opportunity by betting, heavily, against the establishment that was so corrupt and full of avarice.

It’s an underdog story, and a thrilling one at that. One of the best books I’ve ever read, and one that will make you both furious and ecstatic (for these rebels) at the same time. It’s a lot like Star Wars: a rebel alliance takes on the Death Star (Wall Street) and wins, even though the planet ultimately is destroyed. And with a cast that includes Ryan Gosling, Steve Carell, Christian Bale and Brad Pitt, I’m not betting against this film. Go see it.

5. Drone Attack!

Hirscher almost became a victim of a different type of avalanche

I’m not a fan of drones. And here’s why. This is skier Marcel Hirscher, who was nearly struck by a camera drone while competing in a World Cup race in Italy yesterday. Skiing downhill at ridiculous speed should be hairy enough without objects from above falling on you. Hirscher, by the way, finished second. You can watch the video here.

*The Medium Happy staff is taking the rest of the week off to recover from tonight’s non-demoninational, utterly secular holiday party. We’ll see you back here on Monday. Peace on Earth, Good Will Hunting toward mendicants.

Music 101

All Right Now

In mid-1970 the English band Free released this song, which had to be the year’s most recognizable hard-rock guitar riff not played by Jimmy Page. The lead singer, Paul Rodgers, would later team with Page when the two played in The Firm in the mid-Eighties. This song is as early ’70’s rock as it gets.

Remote Patrol

A Christmas Carol

2:30 p.m AMC

George C. Scott is Ebenezer Scrooge in this 1984 adaptation of the Dickens classic. Some of my favorite childhood memories are watching a Christmas special in the middle of the afternoon in those last days before Christmas. These are the best days (some of my other favorite childhood memories involve giving kids wedgies and farting contests so, you know). Related: You never meet anyone named Ebenezer these days.