Starting Five

Hesburgh was president of Notre Dame for 35 years, from 1952 to 1987

1. Our Father, Who Art in Heaven…

Former Notre Dame president Fr. Ted Hesburgh, C.S.C., who met EVERYBODY during his 35-year tenure (as well as before and after) passes away at the age of 97. Outside of the priest who founded the school, Fr. Sorin, and perhaps Knute Rockne, no man has been more important in bringing the school of Our Lady to prominence.

From the Chicago Tribune: His work took him far from the university so often that the joke around campus used to be that the difference between God and Hesburgh was that while God is everywhere, Hesburgh was everywhere but Notre Dame.

Hesburgh was awarded 150 honorary degrees. His weekends in May were booked for decades.

During Hesburgh’s tenure, the university’s enrollment more than doubled, the endowment soared, the number of buildings (including the 14-story library that now bears his name) increased greatly, and women were added as students. Like that library on which the side Touchdown Jesus can be found, Hesburgh was a truly towering figure on campus, but his reach extended far beyond South Bend and even American shores.

2. Melodromedary

Thellama and Louise?

It was the greatest fugitive chase Arizona had seen since Gary Tison and Randy Greenawalt broke out of the state penitentiary in Florence back in the summer of 1978. I’m not sure where the llamas belonged, how they escaped, or how a helicopter arrived on the scene over Sun City (a huge retirement community northwest of Phoenix) so promptly,  but I do know that all of Twitter ceased its other VERY important activities (e.g. wondering aloud about the Dez Bryant video) to watch. 

In other words, March Madness and spring training cannot arrive soon enough.

3. Color Wars

So this was a thing yesterday, too. Thanks, Buzzfeed. America would like to collectively punch you in the grape cluster.

I really hope the model for this dress is Bruce Jenner

It’s gold and white, goddamnit!

Gold and white? Blue and black? Blue and gold? I dunno.

Meanwhile, the Cavs were at home last night but eschewed their white, wine and gold unis for Navy blue with wine and gold trim. For the first hour of the great dress debate, I just assumed that’s what folks were tweeting about.

White and gold?

4. Francohabitation

Son of Julio Franco?

That goofy young dude in the Unfinished Business trailer reminds me a lot of a young James Franco. And then I learn that it should since it’s his younger brother, Dave Franco, who at 29 is seven years younger (at 5’7″ he is also four inches shorter).

I tweeted out that info (I know, I use “tweet” as a verb a lot here, but it’s just part of the everyday life) and @DoctahDean informed me that Dave is dating Alison Brie, the actress better know as being Pete Campbell’s long-suffering wife on Mad Men.

Brie’s cheesy photo

And so I quipped to @DoctahDean that Pete Campbell is not going to be happy about this. And that’s when he blew my mind by replying that Pete (actor Vincent Kartheiser) is married to Rory Gilmore (actress Alexis Bledel). HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS??? How did nobody tell me? You were trying to spare my feelings, weren’t you? Thanks.

I hope Peggy Olson warns Alexis about Pete

Did this all happen after Alexis’ guest shot on Mad Men last season (yes)? Did they know each other before that (no)? To whom is Logan Huntzberger (Matt Czuchry) bethrothed (nobody)? And did someone create a funny series of GIFs for us to tell the story (thank you)?

Anyway, that was quite a rabbit hole we just traveled down. Oh, and watch that trailer. It’s funnier than the TV ad.

5. Jon Stewart’s Parting Shot

Enforcing the 50 year-old man rule here at MH (again)

It wasn’t Jon Stewart’s final telecast of The Daily Show. That’s still a season or two in the  offing. And yet on Tuesday night Stewart delivered a polemic that summarizes his long-standing conflict with the far right as concisely and astutely as anything he has ever said or will say.

I’ll cut right to the 5:00 minute mark: “The point is that on the right they’re pretending that (The Daily Show’s) truthfulness is what’s really important to them which, ironically, is not true…What matters to the right is discrediting anything that they believe harms their side.”

Remote Patrol

House of Cards 

All Weekend NetFlix 

I don’t have Netflix –I know!–but I hear that Season 3 of the adventures of the amoral Frank and Claire Underwood became available for streaming last night. Only a loose llama wearing a dress of indeterminate color will get some people to turn away from the TV/computer this weekend.

Starting Five

The greatest 56 associated with New York City since Joe DiMaggio’s hitting streak

1. Old Lady Madonna

The new issue of Rolling Stone has a cover story on Madonna, 56, penned by the hardest-working feature writer at the mag, Brian Hiatt. Unofficially, it’s her 21st time pulling a Dr. Hook, a band that ironically never has made the cover of the Rolling Stone.

It’s also 20 more times than Stillwater has made the cover, I believe.

Madonna channeling Marilyn

Do you know who really deserves an RS cover, and now? He’s never had even one: Paul Shaffer.

By the way, if you’re a music and pop culture fan and want to vanish for 15 minutes half an hour, work your way through this fabulous Cover Wall that RS has assembled. SI needs to put theirs back up, too.

Madonna covering Culture Club’s “I’ll Tumble For Ya'” at the Brit Awards

Madonna Update: She’s fallen and she can’t get up! Madonna tumbled while I was writing the above at the Brit Awards while performing “Living For Love” off her new album. Madonna, your new LifeLock spokesperson.

2. Brit, A Filter

Taylor’s tailor does not waste much fabric on pants

About those Brit Awards…they’re the United Kingdom’s Grammys and considering the UK’s contributions to pop, pop, pop music, (Beatles, Stones, Bowie, Queen, The Who, Led Zeppelin, ELO, Pink Floyd, Duran Duran, Adele, and, of course, M) you have to wonder why these are not televised here in the Colonies (or are they?)

Anyway, our gal Taylor, who is not British (yet), opened the show with “Blank Space,” which I believe is the same tune she performed in London two months ago for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. What awards show/gala/anniversary special has she not turned up at this year? How was she not given a cameo in the Parks & Rec finale?

Swift was given the “International Woman of Mystery” or some such award, which serves as a good inducement to have her fly across The Pond and open your telecast. A complete list of winners is here…

3. No Cheers for Arsenal

Trust me: Behind those hands, Giroud is handsome

The Gunners, playing at home at Emirates Stadium in London for the first leg of their knockout round home-and-home versus AS Monaco in the UEFA Champions League, were a bit dodgy. Okay, more than a bit, as they fell 3-1 and uber-handsome striker Olivier Giroud, who is even more of a striking striker than his names suggests, whiffed at shot after shot. The Guardian went so far as to describe him as a “wandering wardrobe” on this night, which is a term I wish I’d thought of.

Now Arsenal, the subject of Nick Hornby’s breakthrough quasi-novel Fever Pitch, which begat a Colin Firth movie of the same title, which then begat a horrible Jimmy Fallon movie of the same title, must outscore Monaco by 3 goals on March 17 in the lovely principality if it hopes to advance. As Liam Neeson’s nemesis might say, “Good luck.”

4. Killing O’Reilly

Brian Williams claims to have been at the birth of one of these ladies –we’re still investigating

NBC’s Brian Williams sneezes, and FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly catches a cold.

Ever since Williams was suspended for six months without pay by his own network, FOX News’ heavyweight star has come under one assault after another as to the verity of his early reportage. Most of what has been investigated, by Mother Jones, the Washington Post and Media Matters, paints O’Reilly as a serial embellisher (not unlike BW).

O’Reilly’s most egregious mistake, thus far, seems to be his repeating a tale of seeing “four nuns getting shot in the back of the head” while in El Salvador. Four Catholic nuns did meet that grisly fate in El Salvador in 1980–two years before O’Reilly arrived as a CBS correspondent. The FOX anchor has since backtracked and said that he saw a photo of the four nuns being murdered.

On that basis, we all witnessed the JFK assassination.

5. Play Guitar!

At the SNL 40th: She’s his little rock ‘n roll…

It always fails to not cease to amaze me that Rolling Stones axe-wielder Keith Richards 1) married a girl from Staten Island 2) married what must be the most beautiful creature ever to emerge from Staten Island (with apologies to Josh Krulewitz of ESPN) 3) has been married to that same woman, Patti Hansen, for 31 years and 4) is still, at the age of 71, walking this planet.

Quick aside: “Keif” married Hansen on December 18, 1983–his 40th birthday. Best possible way to celebrate. Hansen is 13 years younger and beaming like this in every photo I’ve ever seen of her.

Their daughter, Alexandra Richards, shown here at last week’s Michael Kors fashion show,  favors her mom’s physical traits.

Remote Patrol

Warriors at Cavaliers

TNT 8 p.m.

Mozgov was the missing link that Cleveland needed

Golden State (44-10) opened the season 21-2. Cleveland( 36-22) is 17-2 since lose six straight. When they met earlier in Oakland, the Cavs were without the father of that really talented 10 year-old kid and lost, but THIS GUY tweeted that night, having seen the additions of J.R. Smith and Timofey Mozgov, that the Cavs were going to be a very, very good team. And they are. This is your odds-on-favorite right now for the NBA Finals.

Starting Five

This is more useful to us than another pic of a dejected-looking Rose

1. Derrick Woes

You love Derrick Rose. I love Derrick Rose.

Three knee surgeries in the past three years –ACL tear in left knee, medial meniscus tear in right knee, a second medial meniscus tear in his right knee — all of them potentially season-ending, have told the Chicago Bulls that it’s time to move on.

Not to say that Rose cannot return, or be a starter for the Bulls again. But as a franchise you just cannot expect to build around him any more. At 26, his quickest days are behind him.

The Bulls are into Rose for $41 million the next two seasons.

2. 2nd Bananarama

The runner-up in this contest is the true winner

Fantastic idea here by Grantland, a “Top Second Banana Bracket.”

So who’s missing? Lacey. Teller. The Captain. Billy Davis, Jr. Cameron. Andrew Ridgely. Howard Borden. B.J. Honeycutt. Little Dipper. Tonto.

And yet in other ways he was George Michael’s first banana…

If you ask me, the championship game should pit George Constanza versus Scottie Pippen, with the true champion being whoever finishes second…which means that it should end in a tie.

3. Court Storm Chasers

“I’ll take 500 shares of Exxon at $120.25!”

“Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It’s a twister!”

“No, darlin’. It’s just K-State beating Kansas at home again.”

Whither the hardwood tempest? I think, like most curmudgeons, my problem with it isn’t the act itself, but rather that it’s become more about students wanting their 15 seconds of fame. That is, the “feeling” is no longer genuine. It’s about getting on ESPN (and I’m not really blaming them) and being part of the show.

Odds are fair that this shot may have been snapped within a mile or two of Manhattan, Kansas.

When it’s a genuine shocking upset, I can see it (and maybe Monday night’s outcome qualified). But when the court storm begins too much to resemble the parade scene from Animal House, you begin to have a problem.

4. KO Needs a T.O.

Medium Happy editorial policy precludes us from showing more than a limited number of photos of men over the age of 50 per month. Yes, this is blatantly discriminatory. Oh, and enjoy Sports Illustrated!

So it’s fair to assume that Keith Olbermann will not be the commencement speaker at Penn State any time soon?

A good man just got a little too trigger-happy on the ol’ Tweeter (that’s never happened to me, no, not once). Although, as Mark Ennis noted on Twitter, if ESPN hadn’t suspended KO for the rest of the week, Ennis (and most of us) would have remained oblivious to the incident. This, as someone informed me on Twitter, is known as the “Streisand Effect.”

I’ll admit I’ve been a little oblivious to the show itself since it left late night to compete with ESPN’s ATH/PTI combo at the 5 p.m. hour.

5. Gaucho Marks

The last winless team in Division I college hoops, UC-Santa Barbara’s women, put a “1” in the left-hand column last Saturday with a 48-39 defeat of Cal State-Fullerton. If you did not already know it, the Gauchos play in the “Thunderdome.” There will be no winless teams in D-I hoops this season, which is nice.

Remote Patrol

San Fernando Valley? Sure. Indiana? Not quite.

I neglected to note the series finale of Parks and Recreation last night, but in truth I never really got into the series. So last night I tuned in for about 6 minutes and there was a flash-forward to an over-the-top Jewish character staging his own fauxneral (thank you!) and I thought, I spent a lot of time in Indiana and there’s just no one in Pawnee who would be that guy.

And that’s always been my problem with smirk-fests such as thisand the American version of The Office. I never for one moment believed in the authenticity of the characters and I always felt that the writers and producers of the shows were so arrogant that they never cared for a moment about matching the setting of their shows to the real-life inhabitants of places such as Scranton or Pawnee. It was a bunch of L.A. types who never for a moment tried to conform to the setting of the show.

I always felt as if I were watching a bunch of smug Hollywood actors chew scenery before getting off the set in time to pick up their kids from some tony day school in Pacific Palisades or Brentwood.

But that’s just me. And I’m a horrible person.

Starting Five 

Once every few months WordPress indiscriminately opts to chop up the column when the day’s blog is 95% done (it’s never MY fault, of course). On such days I lose the will to live and so, yes, today’s blog will be briefer. And perhaps better.

Those may be teammates, but they are NOT soldiers in Mamba’s Army

1. Kobe’s Close-Up

The Black Mamba does a very watchable turn on the Grantland Basketball Hour  (I love when he politely tells host Bill Simmons that his “It’s HIS team” conceit is bull crap) followed by an equally solid spot on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Go directly to 1:35 moment. It’s gold.

The most likable thing about Kobe, for me, is that he doesn’t care whether or not you like him. He is. Brutally. Honest.

And that was a pro move, the way he picked up on Kimmel’s Whiplash reference and took it a step further.

How funny would it be if he usurps Shaq’s chair on Inside the NBA in a couple of years?

2. ” ‘s all good, man”

Odenkirk and Seehorn are slowly building a very watchable relationship

Seriously, I watched Breaking Bad for six or seven seasons and never picked up on that? What a sap.

After four episodes, I’m not ready to say that Better Call Saul is even in Breaking Bad‘s league, but it is a slow burn that is beginning to generate heat. Your titular character, played by Bob Odenkirk, is complicated and charming (although last night’s opening con seemed unbelievably contrived; unless the cash is also counterfeit?).

I do like the idea, though, of naming a color after yourself (“Hamlindigo”).

Did anyone else catch the irony of Jimmy McGill arguing that he was trying to build a brand as Hamlin accused him of ripping off a brand?

You know who I’m really enjoying? His platonic ex, Kim Wexler, played by Rhea Seehorn. She has IT.

Here’s Sepinwall’s review.

3. One Sim Bhullar Sensation

Bighorn? More like Matterhorn! Amirite?

Reno Bighorn center Sim Bhullar, who stands seven-foot-five and weighs 360 pounds, posts an impressive triple-double: 26 points, 17 rebounds, 11 blocks against the Los Angeles D-Fenders (not to be confused with the Los Alamos Fred D-Fenders). He could be the first NBA player of Indian descent if some shrewd NBA franchise picks him up. India is only the second-most populous nation on Earth.

4. Orange is the New Lewis Black

Some think of him as “the Creed of comedy,” but Thompson is living life in the fast lane

In Esquire, author Chris Jones profiles Scott Thompson, whom you know better as Carrot Top. Jones apparently has been keeping busy since Rick Pitino kicked him off the Louisville basketball team.

My main quibble with the piece: no discussion of his cameo role in The Hangover.

5. Truly Nolan

Is it March Madness to give Nolan her own show? Probably not.

Remember when Katie Nolan used her “No Filter” webcast to lobby her FOX Sports bosses for a female voice at the table? Well, here’s your chance, Katie. FOX is giving Nolan, 29, her own show. It will premiere Sunday, March 15 (beware the Ides of March, Katie!) at 9:30 p.m. and be called Garbage Time, which means that I’ll need to find a new nickname for First Take.

I’m not a huge fan of Nolan, but I do admire her distaff Bill Simmons ascent to the big time. She hustled and she didn’t change for anyone. Best of luck to her. P.S. And I do hope that Garbage Time puts Regis in a corner on a couch.

Remote Patrol

Champions League: FC Barcelona at Manchester City

FOX Sports 1 2:30 p.m.

City will be without Yaya Toure, which is also the title of the most popular song in Whoville

Oh no. JW is becoming one of those insufferable soccer snobs who refers to it as “football” and talks about fixtures and ties and aggregate goals. Not to worry! I was insufferable long before I fell in love with soccer! This is the most intriguing matchup in the Round of 16, as Lionel Messi and Barca visit Etihad Stadium. These same two sides met in this round last year and Barca won both ties. See! I said, “Ties” when I could have just said, “Games.” Insufferable!

Starting Five

Suit up, Barney! Geez!

 1. Neil Steals The Show*

*The judges will NOT accept “Doogie WOWser!”

Suit up, indeed!

The opening number, which was also Anna Kendrick’s best on-stage musical moment since the Bellas’ finale at the ICCAs; “the best and the whitest;” the line about each Oscar nominee receiving a gift bag worth $160,000 in items, including “an armored car for when the revolution begins;” “the most well-adjusted former child star here tonight;” the tight-whitey callback to Birdman; the Travolta jab (and the way in which Menzel and Travolta handled it) and the line about Benedict Cumberbatch; “it takes a lot of balls to wear a dress like that”; the Annie joke; “Edward Snowden could not be here, for some treason.”

Not only did Neil Patrick Harris own the Oscars, but he dared to make an opening monologue joke in which he pointed to opposite sides of the audience and referenced Oprah and survived (was that a subtle nod and/or tribute to David Letterman?)

My lone quibble is that when he introduced a certain singer, he did not say, “John Legen—wait for it–d.”

NPH more than owned last night’s telecast; he saved it from more bloated self-importance than usual. “Glory” might or might not have been the best song, but how is it not about to win when you reconstruct the Edmund Pettus Bridge onstage (loved Common’s acceptance speech, though); and both Best Actor (ALS) and Best Actress (Alzheimer’s) only validated Robert Downey, Jr.’s “Never go full retard” advice. We got scolded about fair wages for women (I wonder if Ellen got paid the same to host last year as NPH did this year), about racism, about gay rights, about how “we need to talk about suicide out loud” and even about corrupt Mexican governments….

(No one scolded us about $160,000 gift bags, though).

Anyway, even if most of the nominated films were tributes to pretentiousness, it was a terrific telecast. Well done, Barney.

2. Daytona: A Win for 24 (The Age, Not the Car Number)

I ordered the No. 5 with a fruit cup instead of fries

Middletown, Conn., native Joey Logano becomes the first man born in 1990 or later to win the Daytona 500. Logano is also the first man whose surname ends in a pronounceable vowel to win the race since its 1959 debut. The race, like Logano’s name, also ends in a pronounceable vowel. Three previous winners have had silent “-e’s” at the end of their names, but those are not as cool.

3. Putting the “US” in “USA”

Michael’s mom stays in the picture

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, he of the 18 gold medals, two silvers and two bronzes, gets engaged to Nicole Johnson, she of the 2010 Miss California sash. Not to be confused with monster truck driver Nicole Johnson, who at 41 is 12 years older than the decorated couple but is no slouch herself.

The “other” Nicole Johnson

Phelps, 29, is the most decorated Olympian of all time and has opted to train for the 2016 Olympics in Brazil, during which he may wonder why he chose to remain single.

4. JaMarcus Mariota

Mariota also torched Winston in the Simon Says competiton: “Simon said lift your LEFT leg with both hands!”

Who is Jameis Winston?

Is the 2013 Heisman Trophy winner a better choice at quarterback than Marcus Mariota, his successor in that trophy case, or is he the latest incarnation of JaMarcus Russell (or was that Johnny Manziel)?

Winston is a highly accurate thrower and a terrific decision-maker…when focused. Scouts should watch both halves of last October’s Notre Dame-FSU game in order to witness Bad Jameis/Super Jameis (I am doubtful that 2013 Pitt Jameis still exists).

My main problem with Jameis is related to his 4.99 run at the NFL Combine, and that is this: He already has the physique and the mobility of Fred Sanford. He’s prematurely old, from a healthy body standpoint. Whereas Mariota looks like a young leopard out there. Does it matter? We’ll see.

QBs selected among the first five overall picks since Russell was taken No. 1 overall by the Oakland Raiders in 2007:

2008: Matt Ryan, Falcons, No. 3

2009: Matt Stafford, Lions, No. 1; Mark Sanchez, Jets, No. 5

2010: Sam Bradford, Rams, No. 1

2011: Cam Newton, Panthers, No. 1

2012: Andrew Luck, Colts, No. 1; Robert Griffin III, Redskins, No. 2

2014: Blake Bortles, Jaguars, No. 3

5. Mo, Not Slow-Mo

Farah ran his second mile in 3:57

Brit Mo Farah broke the seven year-old record for the indoor 2-mile, breaking the tape at the Birmingham (England) Grand Prix in 8:03:40. The previous world record, by Kenenisa Bekele, had been 8:04:35. I’m right there with them…well, if that were the world record for one mile.

Farah, 31, is originally from Mogadishu, Somalia, but his father is a native-born London citizen. He is the current Olympic champion in both the 5,000 and 10,000 meters, so if he enters your local 5-K, best you can hope for is second place.

Remote Patrol

Annie Hall 

TCM 8 p.m.

La di da. La. Di-da.

Having lived out west and in New York City, Woody Allen’s Best Picture, a tour de force of a screenplay, so hits home. I live near the corner where Alvy Singer says his final goodbye to Annie (63rd & 9th Ave/Columbus). So many classic lines and moments: “I can walk to the curb from here,” and “I forgot my mantra” and “I’m due back on planet Earth.” If you’ve never seen this and want to bask in a writer who has completely discovered his muse, watch this movie. There’s not a phony moment in it.