Monthly Archives: December 2018

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

1. Manny, Happy, Returns

Temple loses head coach Manny Diaz, 44, after 18 days due to the retirement/firing/departure of Mark Richt at Miami. Diaz, a Hurricane alum and the team’s defensive coordinator the past few seasons, makes a U-turn from North Philly to South Beach. Can ya blame him?


(Minutes after we’d learned Richt was gone)

Temple gets the $4 million buyout, its second coaching buyout payment this month. A good way to increase revenue.

2. Damned In Dallas

The two best teams in the nation, Alabama and Clemson, demonstrated why that is so on Saturday. After a 3-3 first-quarter tie, the Tigers exploded for a 20-0 second quarter thanks to three aerial bombs (and three key Irish injuries on defense, principally to cornerback Julian Love as well as safety Alohi Gilman and edge rusher Julian Okwara).

Clemson won 30-3

In Florida, Alabama took a 28-0 lead after one quarter and cruised home to a 45-34 win versus Oklahoma.

Did Notre Dame deserve to be in the playoff? Of course. It finished 12-0 with a more difficult schedule than Clemson itself. But the Tigers, and Alabama, are simply in a different class. And you Georgia fans can zip it. Your playoff was on December 1 and you blew it. Not by much (again), but you did.

3. Steve, Leave!

Former All-American hoopster, national champion and then wunderkind coach Steve Alford is out at UCLA. Early season losses to Belmont and Liberty sealed the erstwhile beloved Hoosier’s fate (apparently Liberty does not offer accident forgiveness on all crashes).

Alford, who took UCLA to the Sweet 16 three times in his five full seasons, is 54 and has now coached at five schools. We covered him back when he took Division III Manchester to the national title game (when I believe they lost to a team coached by Bo Ryan).

4. There She Goes!

Pocahantas is running (kinda) ! Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) announces that she is putting together an exploratory committee about running for president a full 22 months before the election.

5. Baby Got Back

A baby born on December 12 in Arlington, Texas, weighs in at 14 pounds, 3 ounces. We assume Jimbo has already offered Ali Medlock.

Music 101

Mixed Emotions

Mick and Keith, but mostly Keith, write this song while on vacay in Barbados. Released in August, 1989, it soars to No. 5 on the charts, the Stones’ last Top 10 hit (to date).

Remote Patrol

RedBox Bowl

Michigan State vs. Oregon

That’s RedBox Bowl, not Birdbox Bowl. You will not see Sandra Bullock no matter how much you squint.

CHRIS PICKS!!!

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by Chris Corbellini

Week 17 Picks: Chaos Theory at Work

So, Week 17. The week where playoff seeds are set, and for brief stretches right before the 1 pm and then 4 pm games end, the NFL and its fans lose their sh-t entirely. It’s chaos football, and it’s beautiful and baffling to watch.

I’ll explain. We’ll get there. First, know that as this NFL season progressed, while in an oaken classroom that should be a set for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, I learned a new phrase: The Attention Economy. Put simply, your eyeballs and tastes are the new currency, and at the moment, every content-provider is fighting for it. Today, these content houses/sports leagues know you can select ANYTHING on a video device, and so, how do they make sure their stuff is at the top of the queue? How do they grab you? That’s the attention economy at work.

On my end, I binge-watch Maisel and Atlanta. I plop down and watch Game of Thrones whenever I can. I’ll toggle channels, accidentally stumble upon and then stay with an NHL playoff game on – any playoff game, because it is white-knuckle spectacle. The NBA has LeBron and my daily fantasy sports obsession, so I check those ESPN.com box scores every night. And I can’t change the channel whenever GOODFELLAS or JAWS is on AMC or HBO. That’s my attention economy, and it’s probably not that much different than most — like Jeff Bebe said in ALMOST FAMOUS: “Most of the time, the best stuff is the popular stuff.”

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And still, when the stakes are there, the NFL’s Week 17 trumps everything. No, not just my favorites. Programming, period. That stretch trumps them all. No pun intended. But while we’re here, I’m still waiting for President Orange to scare the hellfire sh-t out of all 32 owners by tweeting how he hates it when wide receivers make one-handed catches – and how if he were an NFL owner he’d make them “catch the ball with BOTH handz, damit”.

I digress. The high stakes of Week 17 also make gambling picks that much more difficult. The Saints have clinched the No. 1 seed in the NFC playoffs, the Cowboys are locked into the No. 4 seed in the NFC, and everything else is up for grabs. And man, is the AFC a sh-tshow to predict right now. Around 7:20 pm or so I have a gut feeling the NFL will have reached apex chaos football, sending the lot of us into hysterics long enough to not notice the back-door covers and broken hearts of NFL players who won’t be getting playoff bonuses.

And yeah, those bonuses are still a thing in an NFL locker room: I had a Spring League alum get a playoff bonus check with the Falcons last year, and to a guy like that at the bottom of the roster, that’s serious coin. I expect a lot of those minimum-salary guys to really hunt this week – which in their case means gunning for big plays on special teams. Look for it. Someone knows he can make $50k (after taxes) in a single play. Maybe another Music City Miracle happens.

As always, home team in caps, with William Hill odds. I also added some percentages to correspond with my picks – they represent the probabilities calculated by The Quant Edge that my picks will actually happen. Full disclosure: I work at TQE as an advisor.

Dolphins at BILLS UNDER 39.5 (71.1%)

With so many AFC teams vying for playoff seeding — eight in all, gunning for six slots — this poop punch bowl game will be banished to the “small TV near the bathroom” in sports bars from Maine to San Diego. The exceptions? Pubs in Buffalo or Miami (and Miami is a hard maybe).

STEELERS (-14.5) beat Bengals (67.8%)


Ooh, that line. Ow. But I’m going to shake it off. The Steelers have all the motivation they need, with two scenarios to advance to the playoffs: 1) Win + hope their best buds the Browns upset the Ravens in the same time slot (4:25 starts) and 2) Win + hope the Colts-Titans Sunday nighter ends in a sister-kissing tie.

The winning at home part won’t be an issue. I see Big Ben just rolling down the field against Cinci, throwing a deep strike or two to JuJu Smith-Schuster and Antonio Brown (if he plays, which should happen), and then hoping Baker Mayfield has some Favre in him at the finish against Baltimore (which won’t happen).

 

REDSKINS (+7) cover vs. Eagles (66.6%)

The Eagles will win to stay in the hunt, and they would then need the Bears to beat the Vikings to secure the NFC’s No. 6 seed. Again, in the same time 4:25 time slot. Not an impossible dream, and I do like the chemistry Nick Foles has with Alshon Jeffery and Darren Sproles.

Still, some Redskin special teamer is going to keep this close. Philly wins, Washington covers.

 

Jaguars at TEXANS OVER 40 (64.1%)

Give this to Blake Bortles: He’s an all-time garbage time QB. So, yeah, we’ll get to that over in the fourth quarter, when Blake throws for a meaningless TD – likely because the Texans D is too busy plotting out a Gatorade attack on Bill O’Brien. With a victory Houston will clinch the No. 3 seed (at least), and yeah, I think this Texans team has the potential to go the distance. I saw them up close a few weeks ago, and their ultimate trump card (again!) is DeAndre Hopkins. Too good. Too much. Too young to know they are supposed to be too young to win a Super Bowl.

Last week: 3-1
Overall: 27-34

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

 

Starting Five

City Of Blinding Lights*

*The judges will also accept every pun from every song with blue in the title, from “Crystal Blue Persuasion” to “Beneath The Blue Sky” to “Blue Monday Thursday”

Sorry, Mike Pompeo. It was not the Rapture. Instead, something called an “arc flash” at a Con Edison substation in Astoria, Queens, left New Yorkers wondering if the alien invasion had at long last, thankfully, arrived.

When the aliens do arrive, or the Second Coming happens, we’ll be too busy searching for memes/posting on Instagram and Twitter, to even notice.

2. After Antarctic Ambulation, Adulation

At the end of 2018, Oregon native Colin O’Brady gave new meaning to the term “white walker.” With one final, 32-hour/77-mile sleepless push, O’Brady narrowly edged Brit Louis Rudd to become the first human to trek across Antarctica, 921 miles, unaided by wind or any outside device.

O’Brady completed the journey in 54 days, only once stopping for a half day, back in November, to repair a ski. Only two years ago Henry Worsley, an Englishman and Special Forces vet, died after coming within 126 miles of the finish. This is no walk in the park, even though O’Brady somewhat tamed the magnificent continent, the true land down under.

Rudd, as of yesterday, was still out there seeking to replicate O’Brady’s feat. But as Ricky Bobby once said, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”

3. Baton Near-Death March


Okay, it wasn’t exactly Proud Boys vs. AntiFa, but NYPD Officer Syed Ali versus five homeless men on a subway platform on the Lower East Side certainly drew a large audience on social media (alas, not pay-per-view). It’s nice to see an Ali going toe-to-toe with an opponent in New York City again. “Down goes Frazier!”

Ali, who does not use social media, had no idea that he’d been filmed during this Sunday night altercation. The video has now been seen hundreds of thousands of times.

4. Ticket To Hide*

*The judges will also accept “Whole Lotto Love”

Unclaimed lottery tickets update: Whoever is holding the $1.5 BILLION winning ticket sold in South Carolina back in October still has yet to claim it. They may be waiting until 2019 for tax purposes or they simply may have no idea that they won. Either way, that person or persons has until April to claim their bounty or it returns to the states.

In Plymouth, Michigan, someone purchased a winning lottery ticket last New Year’s Day that guarantees them either $25,000 per year for life or a $390,000 lump sum. They still have yet to claim their prize, which will expire on Tuesday.

Related: Tonight’s MegaMillions drawing is worth at least $348 million, or you can take the $210 million lump-sum cash option (which will leave you with just over $100 million after taxes…it almost doesn’t seem worth it).

Newsflash: If you’re above ground and breathing/walking, you’re already holding a winning ticket.

5. The Fine Print

This is defensive back Antone Exum of the San Francisco 49ers, who recently played an NFL football game for free. As reporter Matt Maiocco details, Exum earns $41,450 per game, or about $700K per season. The NFL fined him $53,452 for a hit in Week 14, and that fine was taken out of his pay, so that he recently was able to show off a pay stub that had zero dollars and zero cents.

Seems a little unfair, no?

Music 101

Life Of Illusion

Former Eagle Joe Walsh had a minor hit with this in 1981, off his There Goes The Neighborhood album. The song also appears briefly at the beginning of The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

Remote Patrol

Garth: Live At Notre Dame

8 p.m. CBS

Is Jesus attempting to start the wave?

A repeat of a show that aired earlier this month, and actually took place in Notre Dame Stadium back on October 20th. We’re rather ignorant about Brooks’ work, but just last night we were talking to true believers in Garth.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

He’s only 34 years old. This is what playing the market does to you…

Wow Jones!

What could break the spell of the worst December the stock market has experienced since 1931? Well, the president makes an unannounced flight to a combat zone (his first), Iraq, to visit the troops, which means NO TWEETING, and on the same day the Dow experiences its greatest single-day gain—1,086 points— as well as its greatest percentage gain in nearly 10 years. Coinkydink?

Today, the Dow has already plummeted more than 300 points. If you haven’t sold yet, hold steady, blood.

Bowel Games

We’ll always have A.J. Dillon’s 19-yard TD

The Cheez-It Bowl between Cal and TCU featured nine interceptions, including one following at double pass, and just 17 total points. Whereas the First Responders Bowl from Dallas between Boise State and Boston College, sponsored by ServPro, a company whose tag line is “Like It Never Happened,” was canceled due to lightning after one quarter.


Of course, it’s not the first time someone from Boston had a planned afternoon event in Dallas end prematurely, buuuuut….. (too soon?).

3. Mine Kampf*

*The judges will also accept “Ash Holes” or “Mine Your Own Business”

Four people, two men and two women, entered an inactive coal mine in West Virginia last month. Then their head lamps went out, panic ensued, and a rescue took place. Now authorities have arrested the four, alleging that they entered the mine with the intent of stealing copper wire (yes, but did they actually complete the process of the catch?). Either way, we’re pretty sure there was an Andy Griffith Show episode built around nearly this same premise.

4. Something Afoot, Something Afoul

The New York Times tracked down the Queen podiatrist who allegedly diagnosed the future president with bone spurs in exchange for a rent break from his landlord, Fred Trump. Dr. Larry Braunstein, who passed away in 2007, allegedly told his daughters this story for years of how he helped 45 avoid service in Vietnam.

More pearl-clutching to come.

5. Water Hazard

Two older South Korean males drowned in Thailand while playing golf. Seems they were part of a foursome with their wives. The men were driving the forward cart, the women followed. As they were crossing a bridge the women’s cart rear ended their spouses’, sending all four into the water below. The women were rescued. The husbands, one in his mid-sixties and the other in his mid-seventies, drowned.

That’s a stroke penalty.

Music 101

Saturday Night Special

Few tunes scream “SEVENTIES SOUTHERN FRIED ROCK” like this 1975 classic from Lynyrd Skynyrd. Yes, it’s an iconic southern band dedicating a song to gun control, as the band notes that this infamous handgun “ain’t good for nothin’/but puttin’ people six feet in a hole” and “Handguns are made for killin’/They ain’t good for nothing else.” It’s featured in an early scene from the Burt Reynolds film, The Longest Yard. 

Remote Patrol

Sixers at Jazz

10:30 p.m. TNT

We’re somewhat intrigued by these two up-and-coming franchises, featuring budding stars under-ager-25 Joel Embiid, Ben Simmons, Donovan Mitchell…and Grayson Allen (!). Chances are we’d be watching The Godfather (I and II) on AMC beginning at 5:30 p.m., but if you want to watch sports ball, go right ahead.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


The first step is admitting you have a problem. Now, about Christian Hackenberg…

 

Starting Five

1. What Child Is This?

Hours after being taken into custody by U.S. Customs and Border Patrol and diagnosed with a cold, an eight year-old Guatemalan boy dies. So he had access to the same health-care as many of us Americans, it seems. Again, he was eight, or past the age of marginally believing in Santa Claus.

This marks the second child to die in Border Patrol custody this month. Maybe day care just isn’t their thing?

2. Awesome Murphy

Our old friend and colleague Austin Murphy, truly one of our favorite people we’ve ever met, pens a delightful story in The Atlantic about his metamorphosis from seasoned Sports Illustrated scribe to Amazon delivery driver. Imagine, going from being a writer at SI to working at an unglamorous working-class gig for a few months. The horror! I can’t….

Aus, about that urination access issue. An empty and readily available 32-ounce Gatorade bottle should solve most of your problems.

3. Hail Trent, Full Of Grace

We gotta admit, reading Austin’s story on Christmas day reminded us of the many times over the past decade that we’d read a sportswriter on his way to cover a bowl or a Final Four tweet-whine about his interminable wait at the airport or how his seat at WhateverDome is less than ideal. We’d think, those chumps don’t appreciate how fortunate they are, but soon after having that thought we’d almost always remind ourselves, That’s probably what every dead soul thinks when they watch one of us amongst the living failing to take appropriate advantage being above ground on this Earth.

And so on Christmas day it was a true gift to read this piece by Purdue student Tyler Trent, who is battling cancer and may not make it to New Year’s. He gets it.

4. Lawrence of Away-bia

Defensive tackle Dexter Lawrence, one of three massive Clemson defensive line starters who could be taken in the first round of the 2019 NFL draft, tests positive for ostarine, an anabolic steroid that the FDA says has no over-the-counter uses. Pending the results of his B sample that should be released tomorrow, Lawrence will miss Saturday’s national semi-final versus Notre Dame.

The Tigers go from “cup runneth over” on the defensive line to cup merely full. They still have ACC Defensive Player of the Year Clelin Ferrell at defensive end and AP 1st-Team All-American Christian Wilkins at defensive tackle.

5. Blow Hard

In Sicily, iconic Mount Etna lets off a little steam on Christmas Eve. It was the first lateral eruption on the mountain in nearly a decade and set off a minor earthquake. The billowing smoke, at least from the photo above, appears to be white, which must mean we have a new pope!

Music 101

Sky High

If the term “one-hit wonder” did not exist, bands such as Jigsaw would have necessitated its coinage. In late 1975 this song from the British band with vocals by drummer Dave Beech rose to No. 2 on the U.S. Billboard charts.

Remote Patrol

Newcastle at Liverpool

10 a.m. NBC Sports Net

Liverpool is halfway to an undefeated Premier League season (15-3-0) as the Reds host Newcastle at Anfield, their historic grounds that date back to the 19th century. You’ll Never Walk Alone.