We didn’t actually watch President Biden’s speech, but it sounds as if it he was channeling the spirit of Ted Lasso. Hope and belief and positivity.
“I believe in hope. I believe in believe!”
Ted Lasso or Joe Biden? The thing is, could be either, right? And those of you who’ve been paying attention already know: who played Joe Biden when he was the vice president and still remains the best J.B. impersonator on Saturday Night Live? Jason Sudeikis…who now plays Ted Lasso.
The speech got an 85% approval rating. I think, with the adjustment in rankings this week, it’s almost eclipsed Citizen Kane.
Rotunda Wunda Land
How It Started (Jan. 6)
How It’s Going (April 28)
Soldier Fields
With the 10th pick in the draft, the Chicago Bears selected a new QB1: Justin Fields of Ohio State. He was the fourth quarterback taken after Trevor Lawrence, Zach Wilson and Trey Lance went 1, 2, 3. And the Patriots never even had to budge from No. 15 to get purported Tom Brady clone Mac Jones of Alabama… who has not lost a game since high school.
Najee Harris threw a draft party for the kids at the homeless shelter where he lived for several years growing up 🙏
We were already stoked for yinz selecting Jones’ backfield mate, Najee Harris, and then we saw this and it made the choice that much better. Go, Steelers… and they’ve already had good success with that surname at running back.
Radiation Vibe
Fascinating story here via ABC News about how, 35 years after the Chernobyl nuclear disaster, nature has made a stunning comeback in the area. It’s amazing what God’s other creatures are able to do when man exits.
From the story:
“To the surprise of many who expected the area might be a dead zone for centuries, wildlife is thriving: bears, bison, wolves, lynx, wild horses and dozens of bird species live in the people-free territory. According to scientists, animals were much more resistant to radiation than expected.
I’ll never forget what Jeff Goldblum’s character in Jurassic Park says when he is assured the dinosaurs will not procreate because they are all females: “Nature finds a way.”
Yes, it does.
It’s good to know that when man eventually devises his own destruction, that the animals will have the joint back to themselves. At least they know how not to ruin it.
Yesterday, before our class final exam, one of my students (who happens to be quarterback Craig Morton’s granddaughter) asked me what an NFT is. I should know that but I only kinda know what it is.
If there’s one thing that teaching teaches you, it’s that if you cannot explain it with clarity, you don’t know it. So I sent her to that renowned financial wizard (Randy Economy? No, not him) Pete Davidson, who with the help of Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon, Kyle Mooney and that week’s musical guest, Jack Harlow, explained it as well as anyone else can in under three minutes.
This is Schoolhouse Rap. It’s the updated, live-action version of how people my age learned about bills and laws and conjunctions (“Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”) when we were kids.
The Debbies
I missed this from last Friday night, but Bill Maher (or, he and his writers) have barely been as on target as they were about Hollywood, film-making in the past decade and the Oscars.
There are as many great lines in this bit as there were in All About Eve, a few favorites being “and she was so close to joining the Black Panthers” and “it’s traffic school at the Holocaust Museum.” Stick around for the kicker line, though.
Sold!
There is one and only one home perched on tiny Patience Island in the midst of lovely Narragansett Bay, Rhode Island (we’ve kayaked here a few times). And it is up for sale for just $399,900.
That asking price is not at all steep and maybe the folks who posted it have never shopped for homes in California or Arizona. Here’s what The Chicago Sun-Timeshad to say about it:
“…is off the electrical grid but includes a decent amount of land — just under half an acre — but only about 600 square feet of living area that includes two bedrooms, a kitchenette, a half bath and what’s described as a ‘picturesque front porch.’”
A single solar panel provides some electricity.
Haven’t we all wanted to be Gilligan at some point? Or a guy who lives with only a volleyball as a friend?
Eight Is Enough
Free advice for college football playoff expansion peeps who are now floating idea of a dozen playoff teams: take it from Tom Bradford, eight is enough… to fill our lives with love.
Having A Balls
Precisely one decade ago today—April 28, 2011—a British bloke with a mirthful name tweeted no more than that. His name. And it went viral.
Mr. Balls, then a member of Parliament, had simply tweeted his name as a way to search for it. He was new to Twitter and did not realize that he was sending out a tweet as opposed to using the Google search bar. Thousands retweeted it and now every year on April 28 tweeps near and far—but mostly in Great Britain—pay tribute to Ed Balls Day.
And you thought Earth Day was the only contrived holiday in the second half of April.
Tweet-le-dee
Tucker Carlson isn't quite like the White Supremacists we read about in the history books. Tucker is against wearing masks.
These words were famously uttered yesterday by San Francisco 49er coach Kyle Shanahan. Presumably, he was referring to the five passers who appear to have separated themselves from the pack in this year’s NFL (mock) draft: Trevor Lawrence (Clemson), Zach Wilson (BYU), Justin Fields (Ohio State), Trey Lance (North Dakota State) and Mac Jones (Alabama).
The simplest way to explain this? Shanahan is lying. Or the Niners are dumb.
First of all, Shanahan knows that Lawrence will not be around at No. 3 and that presumably neither will Wilson. So it’s between three QBs. What’s funny is that he’s still being coy— “I can’t guarantee that anybody in the world will be alive Sunday.” After all, the two teams above SF have not exactly been clandestine about their plans. No one is about to move ahead of the Niners to steal some player they secretly covet.
Our guess? If it IS a quarterback they covet, they’ll take Jones. They like the Bama pedigree, they like that he’s a thrower and not a two-way player (more susceptible to injury), they probably subconsciously like his upbringing relative to that of Fields (latently racist? The NFL? C’mon!), and they think they might groom the next Tom Brady.
Our call? Take Florida tight end Kyle Pitts, arguably the surest thing in this draft (“and the Oscar goes to… Anthony Hopkins“). Teaming him up with George Kittle will help turn any quarterback into an All-Pro. And Jimmy Garoppolo did lead the Niners to the Super Bowl a few years ago, no?
But the Niners will select Jones who, in keeping with the theme of this week (see next item), we will refer to as Big Mac.
Hamburglars
The latest Fox NewsMax-OAN disinformation campaign revolves around the conspiracy that Joe Biden is coming for your hamburgers (I thought he was coming for your guns… and your capital gains). Because the nascent Biden presidency has failed to offer the GOP anything in terms of actual red meat (the stock market’s up to record levels and the Covid infections are down precipitously) they’ve had to invent this red herring.
What’s their beef? The fact that Biden has made such a seamless transition.
(featured speaker at next C-PAC convention).
Republicans: Stop having a cow, man. And some time this decade it would be nice if you returned to reality.
Rick? Ick
CNN's Rick Santorum: "We birthed a nation from nothing. I mean, there was nothing here. I mean, yes we have Native Americans but candidly there isn't much Native American culture in American culture" pic.twitter.com/EMxOEYDbg7
It almost feels as if erstwhile presidential candidate and first-ballot Milquetoast Hall of Famer Rick Santorum felt that he was getting lapped by Ted Cruz and Tom Cotton et al and needed to step up. So he provided this inaccurate, insensitive and utterly racist history lesson.
At a certain point I feel the need to ask my Republican brethren: What exactly are you in favor of besides power and white supremacy? Here in Arizona, the GOP-majority state legislature has hired a private company to recount the ballots of an election that took place nearly six months ago but even though we taxpayers are footing the bill we have no access to what these people or doing or how they’re recounting (never mind that even if they do, with their ultra-secret recounting, “find” that the election was “tainted,” that it would be locked up in courts until President Biden’s second term).
Of course, the object of the Cyber Ninja attack here in Maricopa County is not to overturn the election. They know that’s impossible. The object is to keep pearl-clutching Christian/white/conservatives in a constant state of distrust and fear. President Biden has not said or done anything outlandish or extreme? He’s vaccinated more than 200 million Americans in less than 100 days in office and the stock market’s at an all-time high? Well, we’ll just have to invent a reason to loathe him, I guess.
And then a complete tool such as Santorum, himself the son of an Italian immigrant, gives this bullsh*t speech that even John Wayne would blush at and people still lap it up? I’ve written this before and I’ll probably write it again: the Republican Party no longer (if it ever did) believes in democracy; it only believes in white supremacy. The sooner the rest of us accept this fact, the better-equipped we’ll be to combat it.
You Must Be Josh’in
If the internet was not invented for this, then I don’t know why it exists. The first annual “Battle of the Joshes” took place in Nebraska last Saturday, with 100s (dozens?) of Joshes convening to fight for their right to their name.
How’d it all start? A year ago, as the pandemic was just gaining juice, Josh Swain, a 22 year-old civil engineering student at the University of Arizona, grew frustrated that he was never able to register on social media under his actual name. He rounded up nine other “Josh Swain” types on social media and sent out this message:
“You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today. Precisely, 4/24/2021, 12:00 PM, meet at these coordinates…[W]e fight, whoever wins gets to keep the name, everyone else has to change their name, you have a year to prepare, good luck.”
Before long 85,000 people had liked his post and it was on. Think of “Temecula” and “GameStop Robinhood Stonks” having a child out of wedlock and you’ve got “Battle of The Joshes.”
On Saturday, outside Lincoln, Neb., more than 1,000 people showed up at the designated spot and time to bear witness. While only about 50 of them were actual Joshes (and only two were Josh Swains, one of them being the patriarch of this bout), the battle did take place.
It renews our faith in humanity. In America.
Dunces With Wolves
The Utah Jazz still have the NBA’s best record (44-18). But last night the Jazz lost to the Minnesota Timberwolves, who have the league’s 2nd-worst record, for the third time this season (0-3) in the second time in the past four days.
No one is scared of the Jazz, despite their record. This is partly why.
The 93rd Academy Awards were the Donald-Trump-Does-Not-Live-Here-Anymore Oscars. From hostess Regina King’s strut-in entrance to Questlove’s musical direction to Tyler Perry’s Humanitarian Award to a presenter speaking in Korean (Bong Joon-Hoo) to another speaking in sign language (Marlee Matlin) to the first non-white female (and only 2nd female overall) winning Best Director (Chloe Zhao, below) to an octopus winning an Oscar (sort of), this was the Oscars where #SocialJustice ruled.
Honestly, if your elderly relative did not get up and leave the room at least twice during this three-plus hours show, it’s only because he or she is now wheelchair-bound.
Absent? Most of Hollywood royalty, from Meryl Streep to Tom Hanks to Jack Nicholson to Michael Douglas to Tom Cruise to Matt Damon to George Clooney to Gov. McConaughey to Ryan Gosling to Charlize Theron to Leo to Kate to Al Pacino to Sandra Bullock to Dustin Hoffman to the various Aussie lasses (Nicole/Cate/Naomi) to Bobby D. to Julia Roberts (present only in a fragrance ad).
This was the New Hollywood, with just about every African-American actress of merit and heft represented as a presenter: King, Viola Davis, Angela Bassett (as beautiful and looking as if she’d win the Oscars deadlift competition as ever) and Halle Berry.
This was definitely a changing of the guard, and while the pandemic meant that the awards would be staged at a more intimate venue (Union Station) and while that intimate venue was redolent of classic Hollywood, the first decade of Oscar ceremonies, this was undeniably a Hollywood celebrating that The Former Guy is no longer in charge.
And yet…
Better Luck Next Year, Chadwick Boseman?
…after three hours of Hollywood celebrating diversity and referencing the Chauvin trial, and how many people are killed by cops in the U.S. daily, and a man with bangs wearing a dress, and a Danish producer going way long on a speech involving his dead daughter, and Glenn Close pretending that she knew “Da Butt,” and the Best Picture award going before Best Actress and, finally, Best Actor, it was all set up, you just know it, for the evening to end with the posthumous presentation of the 8 1/2-pound golden statuette to the leader of Wakanda, Chadwick Boseman.
I mean, why else would they have saved the Best Actor nom for last? We all knew it. And then 83 year-old White Guy Anthony Hopkins wins for The Father. And it’s way past his bedtime in Jolly Ol’ so he’s not even onscreen to accept it (“Anthony, if you can just download Zoom…” “BAAAHHHH!”). This was the biggest Hollywood twist ending since The Sixth Sense, no?
FWIW, we did not see The Father but we did like Boseman very much in Da 5 Bloods as a Best Supporting (was not nominated).
Oh? K.C.
It’s early, but the best record (14-8) in the American League belongs to the smallest-market club in MLB: the Kansas City Royals. Now you may remember seven years ago or so the Royals winning the World Series. You should know that nobody from that team is still on the team (at least no one we remember).
The only name the casual fan may know is Andrew Benintendi (late of the Red Sox) and the most productive hitter thus far is Carlos Santana, whom you may remember from the Cleveland Indians or from a slew of classic guitar riffs in the ’60s and ’70s. The best pitcher? Danny Duffy. That’s the tweet. Yes. Never heard of him, either.
I lapse into this argument with my pro-conservative friends—those that still talk to me—often (and I’m not referring to the “where are the women” part of the above tweet). No one’s disputing that CEOs should be the highest-paid employees of a company, but how much is too much? And how much of the largest share of a company’s work force must suffer just to placate one man’s outsized ego?
Now you may take the contrarian side: Well, that’s what the market dictates. Does it, though? The CEO salary is based on what the company’s board recommends, and the company’s board is often comprised of a bunch of C-suite types who have aspirations to such a salary themselves or already have such a salary. It’s a cartel of the already-privileged who want to maintain their wildly-out-of-whack compensation plans.
Dig: If you’re Elon Musk or Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, someone who literally created a product or even industry from scratch, earn all you want. But if you’re just a guy from B-school who was the best of all possible alternatives, these salaries are beyond obscene.
Related: in my last year in NYC I twice ran into T-Mobile CEO John Legere out at bars (once in Bridgehampton, once on the UWS). Both times he was all by himself. There’s nothing wrong with being a loner, but it says something perhaps about what all the money in the world can and cannot buy.
Dear Baseball: Leave Well Enough Alone
Madison Bumgarner of the Arizona Diamondbacks earned a “no-hitter” yesterday in a designated seven-inning game (part of a doubleheader). MadBum’s not to blame, but is that really a no-hitter. What if it had been a perfect game?
Meanwhile baseball is starting off extra innings by placing a man on second base.
Both changes have been made to make the games shorter. Um, we’re baseball fans. We’re not too worried about time. It’s one of the few sports (tennis, golf) without a clock. Let’s keep it that way.
By the way, MLB is not officially recognizing it as a no-hitter while of course there are Twitter demons demanding that it do so. Here’s what answers that debate for us. When MadBum delivered the final out, his teammates did not rush him as if he’d done something truly extraordinary but instead patted him on the back as if he’d just pitched a shutout. Tells us all we need to know.
Josh May Be Far-Right, But In This Case He’s Right
If you want to be canceled on Twitter today, defend Josh Hawley, the lone Senator who voted against an “anti-Asian hate bill.” The bill passed 94-1 and while I disagree with Sen. Hawley on just about everything else I’ve heard him utter or do, I’m with him here.
This tweet from John Ziegler perfectly makes the case I would have:
The “hate” against Josh Hawley for this is both ironic & idiotic.
All crimes are “hate crimes.” Breaking the punishment of crimes down by which race was impacted (essentially non-whites) is inherently racist and counter-productive.
Josh Hawley may have been against this bill because he’s a constitutional scholar. Or he may have been against it because maybe he’s racist. In this instance, though, that doesn’t matter. Because the bill is wrong.
A crime is a crime is a crime. The color or religion or sexual orientation of the person committing the crime does not matter, nor does it matter what the color or religion or sexual orientation of the victim is. The crime itself stands on its own merit, or lack thereof, as a misdemeanor or a felony. Attaching an extra oomph to a crime simply because of the color or race of the victim does nothing to further the cause of e pluribus unum.
It’s been a sorry week for the Woke Crowd. A teenager lunges at another teenager with a knife and the cop who prevented what could have been a senseless murder is the one who gets crucified via public opinion. And now this.
If people have already forgotten, this is how Donald Trump got elected five years ago. Common sense flew out the window. It’s awful that a gunmam targets Asian or Sikh people and murders them. We have a crime on the books for that: murder. As Mr. Ziegler says, anything more than that is simply virtue-signaling. And all it does is make the existing laws look weaker. It wasn’t the inefficacy of the laws that got those people murdered. It is our collective failure as a people to treat each other as equals. How does a law that will only further delineate people help to bridge that divide?
