by John Walters

A Medium Happy 44th to that belle from Saved By The Bell, Elizabeth Berkley

Starting Five

Give ’em hell, Uncle Joe!

United Statements

The DNC sent up a murderer’s row last night with former mayor Mike Bloomberg, vice president Joe “That’s a bunch of malarkey!” Biden and President Barack Obama. I only was able to see Obama’s speech, which was Sorkin-esque and masterful. That Bloomberg, a New York City billionaire who is not a Democrat, would take it upon himself to speak at this forum spoke volumes. His words: “Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s running his business. God help us. I’m a New Yorker I know a con when I see one.”

Bloomberg closed with, “Let’s elect a sane, competent person.”

(I’ve said it here before, but Bloomberg was my pick for president, and I believe he would have crushed Trump because he’s the sane, actual version of Trump, the Trump that Trump tries to sell voters that he is).

Here’s Obama’s speech. That Kenyan can orate!

2. The End of the Tur

She is not to be de-Tur’ed in her quest (I’m already sorry about that)

Playing the Grace Gummer role from The Newsroom in this year’s election is NBC’s Katy Tur, whom Donald Trump at his press conference yesterday (yes, at least he gives press conferences; give him that) scolded to “Be quiet.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CCg_bzSrUA

Tur has been Trump’s gadfly much of the past year, and what a book she must be able to write. But then, the 32 year-old reporter already has enough material to fill a manuscript. She lived with Keith Olbermann for three years (2006-2009) and her father is Zoey Tur, the transgender helicopter pilot (if I had a nickel for every time I’ve written that phrase…) who was such an engaging interview in O.J.: Made In America. You’ll recall that it was Zoey who first found the white Bronco as it was heading up the 405 back to O.J.’s home.

3. When Prince Met Will Hunting

Submitted without further comment, Matt Damon‘s tale about the time he, his wife, and his oldest daughter attended a Prince concert in London. Yet another incredible Prince tale.

4. Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

After five episodes, Any Given Wednesday isn’t even close to being as good as After The Thrones.

Bill Simmons‘ new show, after five episodes, is not particularly terrible, but it’s definitely nowhere near approaching the standards of HBO. And there’s no shortage of local on-air personalities coast-to-coast who are more insightful and trenchant interviewers. Let me enumerate my problems with the program:

1. Simmons has now twice devoted segments to DeflateGate and has twice managed a way to get the equivalent of Vines of his own son on air. Would you even know John Oliver is married and has kids after a year of his show? The point is, this is more of a vanity project for Simmons than it is about entertaining an audience. The Judge Joe Brown segment last night with close buddy Michael Rapaport was at least inspired, but it came off as something that they probably couldn’t wait to show their own friends, not realizing that the rest of us really just don’t care.
2. The interviews, especially with celebs, are boring fan-boy softball fests. Here’s Bob Costas on his HBO show more than a decade ago with a tense interview with Vince McMahon. It’s compelling TV.

3. 3. Get angry more. Get riled up. Talk about stuff you really care about, talk to people you disagree with, or can’t stand. Explore your own views and, I know this is difficult for anyone from Boston to do, examine your own preconceived notions of everything.

4. Have a gameplan for your interviews. Don’t just take a card someone handed you with 5-10 questions and try to hit those marks. Make it like a good first date. Establish continuity. A conversation. Develop some sort of chemistry.

5. The Cat Is Your Expert Witness

The feline knows who did it….

As HBO’s The Night Of slowly evolves into Oz (starring Omar from The Wire), the producers took two scenes from Episode 3 to subtly nudge their audience toward Nas’s potential “Get Out Of Jail Forever” card. You see, as I wrote after Episode 1, the key moment in the girl’s murder is when the ground floor gate does not click shut after she lets the cat out. As an Upper West Sider myself, I’m sort of familiar with this concept (and I own a cat).

So, here in Episode 3, we have defense lawyer John Stone (John Turturro) nudge the gate open and there’s the kitty cat waiting to be let inside. John sees quickly that this is the cat’s home, but he is yet to have the “A ha!” moment in which he realizes he was able to push open the gate without turning the handle. That the gate was not locked.

In the second scene with the kitty, he takes it to a pound and learns that the cat will now have 10 days to live (Nas, also in lockup, may have fewer). Anyway, I don’t think the producers have made this clue overt yet, they’ve kept it subtle. But this is the key to Nas’s exoneration. Demonstrating, first, that the apartment was never secure (the second part is going to be explaining how/why Nas got down to the kitchen and the third is how come there was no blood on him after the victim was stabbed 22 times; there’s no bloody clothes, there’s no blood on him except for his hand).

Music 101

Dream Police

In the late Seventies, back when these things mattered, there was no cooler rock band T-shirt to be seen in than Cheap Trick‘s (great logo). I still think it’s comical that Robin Zander, Bun E. Carlos, Rick Nielsen and the Fourth Guy were enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before Yes or Journey (among others), but how many other bands had three of their songs poorly rendered in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (a film written by Cameron Crowe, a Rolling Stone alum)?

The song, and album of the same name, were released in 1979, and the song rose to No. 26 on the Billboard chart.

Remote Patrol

DNC

All the channels, all the time

Will America elect its first grandmother president?

We’ve made it, America. Tonight, the 8th and final night of the political conventions. From Melania and Scott Baio to “Vote Your Conscience” to “Buh-LIEVE Me!” to hacked emails to Bernie Bros to Malarkey to, at last, tonight: Hillary. Will she address her deleted emails and her private server? Explicitly? Tune i.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 32nd to Taylor Schilling, our favorite fish-out-of-water this side of Nasir Khan….

Starting Five

Clinton killed with his can’t-miss Yosemite Sam impersonation

Fellatio Hornblower*

*The judges couldn’t resist

The 42nd president of the YOU-nited States of America, Bill Clinton, that snow-haired devil, spoke at the DNC last night. He’s a charming one, and a smart man, but as CNN’s David Axelrod wondered aloud, Dd he err by not explicitly mentioning his misdeeds in the Oval Office? Perhaps this was his chance to explain what is is… (as opposed to ISIS).

Hillary is a great “change-maker,” but is she this good?

Bill told plenty of interesting stories about the start of his 45-year relationship with the Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton, but it felt as if the speech went on a little too long, and honestly, I couldn’t tell what parts he stole from Melania.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhqFk6GhxVM

Meanwhile, here’s Bill O’Reilly patronizingly fact-checking Michelle Obama’s speech Monday night and “Oh, by the way”-ing the fact that the slaves who built the White House “were well-fed and had good lodging,” although how he knows this is beyond me (Did they write Yelp! reviews?). As one tweep noted, that’s the same deal FOX News female anchors got from Roger Ailes.

2. Russia Is Winning

Rocky IV seems so, so long ago….

Get caught red-handed doping athletes for two Olympics at least and probably not have a single athlete miss the Olympics in Rio? Russia. Hack the DNC email server and influence the presidential election more than any SuperPAC could hope to do? Russia. Vladimir Putin’s mantra: “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.”

3. College Football: Opening Weekend Top Ten

Dalvin Cook could break Warrick Dunn’s school rushing record before autocorrect learns how to spell his name.

In recent years college football has turned its opening weekend into a frontal version of a New Year’s weekend bowl bonanza, as the Labor Day weekend extends from Thursday through Monday. Our crack(ed) staff at Medium Happy is here to rank the Top 10 games of opening weekend for you. A drumroll please, Paul:

10) Arizona at BYU (Saturday, 10:30 p.m.): Pac-12 After Dark, even if only half the teams are in the Pac-12 (BYU should be, and Colorado should move to the Big 12; there, fixed)

9) Hawaii at Michigan (Saturday, Noon): This was a tough call between this game and Kansas State at Stanford, but the Wolverines are a good bet to advance to the Playoff in Harbaugh’s second season. Too much anticipation to not want to see what type of leap this outfit has made. Jabril Peppers (SS) and Jake Butt (TE) are All-Americans.

8) Georgia at North Carolina (Saturday, 5:30 p.m., Atlanta) Domed football is boring, but I’m anxious to see Nick Chubb return and the debut of Kirby Smart. The Tar Heels, you’ll recall, came thisclose to beating Clemson last season.

7) UCLA at Texas A&M (Saturday, 3:30 p.m.) Love this. No neutral site game, as when Aggies opened with Arizona State last season. The Bruins and Josh RosenRosen visit Kyle Field to face Oklahoma QB transfer Trevor Knight and the Aggies.

Baker Mayfield: He’s swaggerific!

6)  Oklahoma at Houston (Saturday, Noon) The Sooners advanced to the playoff last season and Baker Mayfield returns to plead his Heisman case. The Cougars went 13-1 last season and beat FSU in the Peach Bowl. I like the Sooners to return to the playoff this year.

5) LSU vs. Wisconsin (Saturday, 3:30 p.m.) I believe this is the first college football game to be played at Lambeau Field. LSU is a Top 10 team, and much will be made about punter Colby Delahoussaye returning to the state where he narrowly escaped death in late July. Cue Tom Rinaldi piano tinkling….

4) Notre Dame at Texas (Sunday, 7:30 p.m.) Longhorns and Irish are Nos. 2 and 3 all-time in college football victories, 884 and 882. The Irish won last year’s opener in South Bend, 38-3. This year’s game will be far closer, as the Irish must break in new starters at interior linebacker positions. Expect DeShone Kizer to start at Qb.

3) Ole Miss-Florida State (Monday, 8 p.m., Orlando) The Rebels, as you know, were the only team to defeat eventual national champ Alabama last season (and in Tuscaloosa). The Seminoles are a popular pick to win the national title or at least advance to the playoff. Dalvin Cook will garner a Heisman invite, but it’s the defense that will be the team’s strength.

2) Clemson at Auburn (Saturday, 9 p.m.) Tigers versus Tigers. DeShaun Watson deserved to win the Heisman last year nearly as much as Christian McCaffrey did (and yet neither won). Clemson is a popular pick to return to the national title game, but it’s no easy feat to win at Jordan-Hare.

1)  USC-Alabama (Saturday, 8 p.m., Arlington, Tex) USC, the dominant program of the first decade of this century, meets Alabama, the dominant program of this decade. Wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster, corner Adoree Jackson and linebacker Cameron Smith are USC’s top studs to take on the defending national champs.

4. Addition by Subtraction

It’s not the sunbathing, it’s the jeans….

Extremely tiny sample size, but the Chicago White Sox are 4-0 since suspending Chris Sale and the New York Yankees are 2-0 since trading Aroldis Chapman. The Yanks, in fact,, winners of three straight, have baseball’s best record of the last 10 games (8-2), are a season-best 4 games over .500 and are just four games out of the wildcard. Oh yeah, today is A-Rod’s 41st birthday…

5. Without a Parachute

If you want to see a good sleeper film this summer, I recommend Don’t Think Twice, which tracks the odyssey of a New York City-based improv troupe. Keegan-Michael Key is the star, but there are a few up and coming NYC-based comics/improv actors (Mike Birbiglia, who wrote and directed; Chris Gethard, who looks more like the cartoon version of Woody Allen in Annie Hall than Allen ever did; and Gillian Jacobs) whom you’ll be seeing more of.

It’s a loving ode to improv, and it also takes more than a few swipes at Saturday Night Live (here referred to as Weekend Live), which serves as the holy grail for these performers. It’s the best film about chasing dreams in NYC I’ve seen in quite some time.

Music 101

Mexican Radio

Quirky New Wave rock from one-hit wonders Wall of Voodoo. It was a modest hit, whoa-oh, in 1983.

Remote Patrol

DNC

8 p.m. or 10 p.m. (cable vs. network)

No, you’re not watching Blackish or Modern Family. This is just how Democrats are.

by John Walters

“What a drag it is getting old…” A Medium Happy 73rd to expecting dad Mick Jagger….

Starting Five

DNC: FLOTUS Owns Night One

She spoke about sending her daughters off to school for the first day flanked by the Secret Service. She spoke about living in a White House built by slaves. She spoke about her two girls playing on the White House lawn with their dogs. She spoke about not stooping down to the level of people who question their father’s citizenship or religion (“When they go low, we go high”). She spoke about….

….family values.

Michelle Obama‘s speech rocked the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia and demonstrated that under intense pressure and scrutiny for 7 1/2 years, she and her husband have never forfeited their grace, decency, fortitude, or love of country. Damn, girl. You’re simply the most supportive, toughest, smartest wife since Rod Tidwell’s wife, Marcee, in Jerry Maguire.

p.s. How many people can give a speech like that just one week after Carpool Karaoke’ing with James Corden and Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott?

2. Tone Deaf (and Dumb)

Less than 48 hours after the accident that claimed the lives of punters Mike Sadler and Sam Foltz, a columnist with the Baton Rouge Advocate pens a story about the crash’s lone survivor, LSU placekicker Colby Delahoussaye. He says the obligatory words about what a tragedy the crash was, but then later delves into the fact that “The team needs Delahoussaye desperately. It needs him to recover and be the consistent kicker he has been, because frankly LSU has no other proven choices on the eve of opening practice…”

The writer, Scott Rabalais, goes on to write, “LSU was a tragic car accident away from something going horribly wrong.”

I mean….

3. Bern-ing Down The House

I don’t think this pic is from last night, but love the image (Bernie wears khakis, of course he does)

The ovation that Bernie Sanders received before speaking last night, the final speaker on the first night of the DNC (unless Erin Moran or maybe Markie Mark were waiting in the wings) was such that I wondered if they were going to hoist his jersey to the rafters.

Bernie gave a rousing speech. Whether you agree or disagree with his policies, you have to admit that he’s passionate, that he’s genuine, and that he’s committed (or should be). A tweep with whom I often spar basically said, “Meh, he didn’t get his first job until he was 40, he’s a socialist and the town beatnik.” And I shot back, “You pretty much just described Jesus.”

Also, gotta love Sarah Silverman chiding the “Bernie or Bust” crowd, “You’re being ridiculous.”

And, unlike the GOP runner-up, Bernie did explicitly tell the delegates to vote for the presumptive nominee in his party.

Dems: “Come Together.” GOP: “Separate Ways.” The Beatles versus Journey.

Of course, the truth is that a lot of people supporting Trump aren’t buying the idea of togetherness, of diversity, of equality. And economically, Bernie notes that the top 1/10th of 1% control 85% of the nation’s wealth, and this still falls under “free market capitalism” to the hard-line GOP (while people earning the minimum wage can’t afford to do anything realistically more than rent and live alone). That’s not capitalism; that’s an oligarchy. The reason jobs are going away isn’t because workers at the bottom earn too much; it’s because the men at the top do (Gawd, I know I sound like a socialist here, but what rate of income disparity does one need before you finally see it?).

Basically, here’s the GOP game plan: Keep the richest 1% rich while preventing a replay of the French Revolution from the other 99%. How do you do that? Stoke fear and paranoia into their hearts, tell them their problems are being caused by people who don’t look or talk like them, and that “I alone” can save you from violence and terrorism. Play up the fact, massively, that 49 people were killed in Orlando and ignore the fact that 22 veterans a day commit suicide, victims of PTSD, victims of the horrors of a war we only fought to preserve big oil’s interests. *

*I’m John Walters, and I approved this message.

The second part of the GOP gameplan: Dispute facts with feelings. It’s indisputable that America is in far better shape now than it was eight years ago, after two terms of George Bush. So the GOP hardliners, such as Newt Gingrich, say, “But it feels worse, and that’s what matters to me.” John Oliver, per usual, brilliantly exposed this tactic on Sunday evening. Watch:

4. For Pete’s Ache

Kostelnick defended his Badwater title and, more importantly, survived

The results of last week’s Badwater Ultra 135, “the world’s toughest foot race,” from Furnace Creek, Calif.: 97 runners entered, 83 finished. Defending champ Pete Kostelnick of Lincoln, Neb., age 28, won in a time of 21:56, shaving more than an hour off the existing record in this, the 39th year of the race. That’s insane.

The top women’s finisher was Alyson Venti (not to be confused with Allison Tall or Allison Grande) of Miami, 34, who finished in 25:53, also a record.

Nobody died.

The race begins at minus-280 feet of elevation, in Furnace Creek, Death Valley, and ends at the Mount Whitney Portal, elevation 8,300 feet. And it’s done in scorching hot temps that often exceed 115 degrees. It’s a masochist’s utopia.

5. Can’t You Two Just Not Get Along?

I was in the green room at The Jimmy Kimmel Show in 2008 when Sarah Silverman surprised her then-boyfriend, the host, with “I’m ****ing Matt Damon.” And here all three were again eight years later on national TV last night.

The faux rivalry continued last night as Kimmel and Jason Bourne went to couples therapy. Good stuff.

Music 101 

Do You Believe In Love

A bar band from Marin County, Calif., Huey Lewis and the News burst onto the scene in the spring of 1982 with this irrepressibly uptempo love song. New wave ruled the roost and MTV at the time, but this irresistible boilerplate rocker and its handsome, weathered singer, overwhelmed those alt-nation goths in their raincoats and eyeliner. The song reached No. 7 on the Billboard charts, the entire album (Picture This) had radio-friendly hits, and the success helped the band land the soundtrack song for Back To The Future a couple years later.

Remote Patrol

Day 2: DNC

PBS, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS 8 p.m. or 10 p.m.

“I’m just a Bill, yes I’m only a Bill, and I’m coming back to Capitol Hill…”

Tonight’s speakers include former president and potential First Man (for the first time) Bill Clinton, followed by mothers of black men who died at the hands of police. I hope they mention how much more likely it was that their sons might have died by shark attack.

The best film reviewer we know, Chris Corbellini, is back with a review of Woody Allen’s latest effort

Cafe Society

***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGRNkrvh1Dg

by Chris Corbellini

Woody Allen’s CAFÉ SOCIETY is another reminder that the filmmaker considers living in Hollywood one small step above taking up residence in a port-a-potty. It all stinks: the film industry, the phoniness of the people, and how the promise of fame or something circling it can seduce and morally corrupt even the most golden and sincere of people.

The movie is a comedy, naturally. Or close to it.

Out there in the perpetual sunshine, a wannabe actress is asked if she wanted to be larger than life, and the girl answers “I’d rather be life-sized.”  From there, the man she’s with is in love. The sweetheart is named Vonnie, played by Kristen Stewart, and the suitor is Jesse Eisenberg, who should be named Young Woody Allen, but instead it’s Bobby. Both characters are relatively new to the Hollywood scene in the 1930s. She tells him there’s a boyfriend but he can’t help himself, and they go to the movies together and share personal victories.

Just like in ADVENTURELAND, there’s a third character in this triangle, and it’s Steve Carell’s alpha Hollywood agent, Phil Stern. The movie opens with Carell at a swank party in the Hollywood hills, and he takes a phone call there – which he explains must be Ginger Rogers, desperate for new representation. It begins to feel like this is a movie about the day-to-day for Super Agent Phil. But no, instead it’s Phil’s sister, who explains that Eisenberg’s character is headed his way, and can he show his wide-eyed nephew the Hollywood scene, and maybe get him a job? After a waiting out period, Bobby finally gets an audience with Uncle Phil, who introduces him to Vonnie to show the newbie around.

After a few scenes in darkened cocktail bars and hotel rooms bathed in candlelight, it turns out Uncle Phil and Nephew Bobby have the same taste in women. So Vonnie must choose between the pair while she’s standing behind a counter as a coat girl: the wealthy power player who can’t walk three steps without behind stopped by another wheeler-dealer, or the tender young man who promises her a life of happiness in Greenwich Village.

Bobby does return to New York for a surprisingly long section of the film, and begins working for his nightclub-owning brother, a gangster played by Corey Stoll (who will always be Hemingway to me). There, Bobby finds his footing, his fortune, his wife and a family. And the moment he has it all together — a realistic rival to his Uncle Phil in terms of connections and wealth — his past returns asking for champagne and talking like a Hollywood a-hole.

The look on Eisenberg’s face at that moment is absolutely fantastic in its misery.  Allen found a young doppelganger of himself for this role — but Eisenberg is no lightweight, instead of mimicking Allen’s nervous, insecure energy, he finds the sweet spot of being the naïve New Yorker in La-La Land, and then, ultimately, a slick, wealthy man back on the East Coast. It’s a stretch to make the actor a ladykiller, but Eisenberg does fine overall. The cast is solid across the board – especially the delicate Stewart — which is what Allen demands of his performers and crew.  There’s a rumor that wormed its way all the way to IMDB that Allen fired superstar Bruce Willis for forgetting his lines, and replacing him with Carell while shooting. If true, that’s probably a first for Willis since the 1980s. On screen, Allen plays nebbish, but behind the camera, he’s as cutthroat as anybody.

So, yeah, the crew behind the scenes brought their ‘A’ game too. What surprised me the most about my time in Los Angeles is how even the major talents in that industry – editors and shooters for example — have to crank out the sausage of lesser work, collect the paycheck, and hope a biggie comes along. I was reminded of how the production quality is always top-notch in Allen’s films during the final shot of CAFÉ SOCIETY – with that classic POV of an actor from behind, his head eating up the foreground, surveying his surroundings. It usually portends bad things ahead (check out the shot at 2:41 here) — and perhaps in this movie, too, regret will eat away at the character involved.

There’s a line in Allen’s MANHATTAN that stands apart from the rest of his occasionally epic writing, and it’s this: “I think the essence of art is to provide a kind of working through the situation for people, you know, so you can get in touch with feelings you didn’t know you had.” I think it nicely encapsulates his film career. In the right places here in NYC, I hear opinions on what art is and should be from all types – some full-of-shit, some world-class talents, some passionate educators, and then of course the full-of-shit talents that also happen to be educators. After 43 years, this is mine: if a piece unconsciously pulls you to a different place in your head – nostalgia, a specific memory, a specific person, a scenario that played out in your life, an aspiration, or what lies ahead — then it’s most definitely art. Could be bad art — certainly a bad piece of art will make you disengage and check your watch. Could be transcendent, if you’re lucky. But it’s art.

Back to Woody. At this point many people cannot separate Allen the man from the writer/director anymore, and I confess, sometimes I can’t either. There’s a reference in CAFÉ SOCIETY about a wealthy socialite and his underage wife that made me wince – a subtle fuck you to the lot of us who want to know more about a celebrity’s private life.  And here comes the big but – BUT, his filmography has taken me to that different place more than any other movie director I’ve stumbled across. I’ve watched MIDNIGHT IN PARIS five times now, and after the first viewing I’ve had to force myself to stay in this scene (from about 2:03 on here), because I instinctively drift to my own life. And he’s capable of magic in spots when you don’t expect it, even if it means breaking the rules of gravity to do it. None of this means he’s the best in the business.  Or my personal favorite. What he is, undeniably, is a working artist, still cranking ‘em out in his 80s, still hating on LA, and still looking to put a masterpiece on canvas.

CAFÉ SOCIETY is not at that level, it’s sort of in the middle if you had to rank his works, but the theme is solid nonetheless: It’s the choices you make that determine what’s happened and what’s ahead. Vonnie and Bobby get it at the finish. So do we.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 51st to quirky babe Illeana Douglas.

Starting Five

Nebraska players react to news of the death of their friend and teammate, Sam Foltz

Wreck on the Highway

Late Saturday night in Wisconsin. Beaver Lake Road in the town of Merton, Wisconsin. In a rainstorm, former Michigan State punter Mike Sadler, 24, soon to enroll at Stanford Law School, is driving. His passengers are Nebraska punter Sam Foltz, 22, a farm boy from Greeley, Neb., who had gone from walk-on with the Huskers to Big Ten’s first team punter, and LSU punter Colby Delahoussey, 21.

Sadler was a four-year starter and the first four-time Academic All-American in Michigan State history

The car slides on the wet pavement—authorities say excessive speed may have been a factor— and veers off the road, slamming into a tree. Both Sadler and Foltz are killed. Delahoussey survives.

Foltz was a three-year starter at Nebraska who was due to start this season

Here’s  local Lincoln, Neb., sports director Kevin Sjuts with a fitting tribute to Foltz.

2. Hack a Hillary

DWS’ political career is now DNR

The Dems are launching their convention tonight under a thick cloud. Over the weekend WikiLeaks released the contents of thousands of emails that show that DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schulz and CFO Brad Marshall actively sought to undermine Bernie Sanders’ campaign (the old coot wasn’t crazy, after all!). So this is a worse train wreck than Melania’s Rick Roll and plagiarism…

Anyway, what makes this fun (read: horrifying) is that Donald Trump is into Russian oligacrchs for millions and millions of dollars and that Russian hackers may have been the ones who got into those emails and Trump has been very complimentary of Vladimir Putin and…FOLLOW THE MONEY!

Either way, the Russkies didn’t force Wasserman-Schulz and Marshall to attempt to rig the game. Also, who knows what else they got and WHEN they will release it? This has disastrophe written all over it.

3.  Citizen Kaine*

*The judges consider this choice far too easy, but what would you do? “Mission Tim-possible?”

Kaine then discussed his extensive MMA background, and how he never tested positive for a banned substance

When you must choose a Veep/Don’t want drama like Streep

Tim Kaine

When your rival’s Trump/Your campaign’s in a slump

Time Kaine

He don’t lie, he don’t lie, he don’t lie

Tim Kaine

Kaine, who married the daughter of a Virginia governor and then later became a Virginia governor, is a Kansas City-born grad of a Jesuit high school, then Mizzou, then Harvard Law. He hablas the Espanol. And he is 8-0 in elections, but let’s face it: he’s never played in the SEC. Here’s his speech in Miami on Saturday.

4. A Sale on Retro Jerseys

I do remember these circa 1977 uniforms from my youth. Ah, Bill Veeck, you glorious bastard!

This is the best story of the baseball season. White Sox ace Chris Sale has been suspended by his own team for five days for taking a pair of scissors to the retro jerseys the team was supposed to wear this weekend because they’re ugly and also because he thinks the team values marketing above winning (he should talk to NBA players about sleeved jerseys).

Sale leads the American League in Wins (14) and WHIP (1.01)

Anyway, love Sale’s spunk (I will not have you assail a Sale!) and now those jerseys that he cut up are collector’s items. So much irony! I can’t help feeling that this entire episode could have been avoided if Drake LaRoche were in the clubhouse.

5. The Part Where Donald Trump Makes Just Enough Sense To Be Terrifying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLcL2fSxGKw

So, Donald Trump sat down with Chuck Todd yesterday for Meet the Press and, minus all the histrionics and bullying, did not sound completely wacko to this avowed Trump loather. About his tough talk with NATO allies who don’t pay their fair share (why don’t they just declare bankruptcy?), he reminded Todd, “They have a treaty, too.”

Agreed. Some countries don’t pay just because they America will still have their backs (related: I have friends like this. You probably do, too).

Second, I do think it’s a legitimate question, as Trump posed, to wonder how we as a nation would deal with a 500% influx of Syrian refugees. Not all Muslims are bad, obviously, but events on a near-weekly basis in Germany, in Belgium and in France demonstrate that there’s a problem here.

Don’t get me wrong: Trump is stoking fear (False Evidence Accepted as Reality) here with most of his speech, but those are two legitimate takes. I wanted to give the Donald some fair coverage here; I agreed with many of his points.

One more thing: Yesterday I tweeted out a rude tweet about the Trumpster asking him why he keeps getting fatter while his hair seems to be thinning. Many people, assumedly Trump supporters, came down on me for being immature and rude. That part is right.

Of course, my intent here WAS to be immature and rude. To mimic Donald’s style with how he treats so many other people, on Twitter and in speeches, the evidence of which is manifold. My point: If what I wrote upset you, why doesn’t what he says upset you? Further, he’s running for the most powerful job in the world; I’m not.

Music 101

I Say A Little Prayer 

If you’re too young to recognize the name Dionne Warwick, oh you poor, poor, sad boy. Tremendous voice, lovely, and Burt Bacharach’s avatar (Who’s Burt Bacharach, you ask? Get outta my class room!). This was a No. 4 hit in 1967. Warwick is one of those voices of my childhood. She was all over the place on the radio, and with good reason.

Remote Patrol

Democratic National Convention

8 p.m. PBS

You can tune into the networks at 10 p.m., or you can watch PBS’ superior coverage two hours earlier (just make a pledge of $20 or more to your local PBS station). Speakers include U.S. Senator Cory Booker (who never had a chance of being VP because the ticket would have read, “Clinton Booker”), then Michelle Obama, alias FLOTUS, then Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, and then we’ll all Feel The Bern on this hot summer night.