by John Walters

Starting Five

Fellatio Hornblower*

*The judges couldn’t resist

The 42nd president of the YOU-nited States of America, Bill Clinton, that snow-haired devil, spoke at the DNC last night. He’s a charming one, and a smart man, but as CNN’s David Axelrod wondered aloud, Dd he err by not explicitly mentioning his misdeeds in the Oval Office? Perhaps this was his chance to explain what is is… (as opposed to ISIS).

Hillary is a great “change-maker,” but is she this good?

Bill told plenty of interesting stories about the start of his 45-year relationship with the Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton, but it felt as if the speech went on a little too long, and honestly, I couldn’t tell what parts he stole from Melania.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhqFk6GhxVM

Meanwhile, here’s Bill O’Reilly patronizingly fact-checking Michelle Obama’s speech Monday night and “Oh, by the way”-ing the fact that the slaves who built the White House “were well-fed and had good lodging,” although how he knows this is beyond me (Did they write Yelp! reviews?). As one tweep noted, that’s the same deal FOX News female anchors got from Roger Ailes.

2. Russia Is Winning

Get caught red-handed doping athletes for two Olympics at least and probably not have a single athlete miss the Olympics in Rio? Russia. Hack the DNC email server and influence the presidential election more than any SuperPAC could hope to do? Russia. Vladimir Putin’s mantra: “If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.”

3. College Football: Opening Weekend Top Ten

In recent years college football has turned its opening weekend into a frontal version of a New Year’s weekend bowl bonanza, as the Labor Day weekend extends from Thursday through Monday. Our crack(ed) staff at Medium Happy is here to rank the Top 10 games of opening weekend for you. A drumroll please, Paul:

10) Arizona at BYU (Saturday, 10:30 p.m.): Pac-12 After Dark, even if only half the teams are in the Pac-12 (BYU should be, and Colorado should move to the Big 12; there, fixed)

9) Hawaii at Michigan (Saturday, Noon): This was a tough call between this game and Kansas State at Stanford, but the Wolverines are a good bet to advance to the Playoff in Harbaugh’s second season. Too much anticipation to not want to see what type of leap this outfit has made. Jabril Peppers (SS) and Jake Butt (TE) are All-Americans.

8) Georgia at North Carolina (Saturday, 5:30 p.m., Atlanta) Domed football is boring, but I’m anxious to see Nick Chubb return and the debut of Kirby Smart. The Tar Heels, you’ll recall, came thisclose to beating Clemson last season.

7) UCLA at Texas A&M (Saturday, 3:30 p.m.) Love this. No neutral site game, as when Aggies opened with Arizona State last season. The Bruins and Josh RosenRosen visit Kyle Field to face Oklahoma QB transfer Trevor Knight and the Aggies.

6)  Oklahoma at Houston (Saturday, Noon) The Sooners advanced to the playoff last season and Baker Mayfield returns to plead his Heisman case. The Cougars went 13-1 last season and beat FSU in the Peach Bowl. I like the Sooners to return to the playoff this year.

5) LSU vs. Wisconsin (Saturday, 3:30 p.m.) I believe this is the first college football game to be played at Lambeau Field. LSU is a Top 10 team, and much will be made about punter Colby Delahoussaye returning to the state where he narrowly escaped death in late July. Cue Tom Rinaldi piano tinkling….

4) Notre Dame at Texas (Sunday, 7:30 p.m.) Longhorns and Irish are Nos. 2 and 3 all-time in college football victories, 884 and 882. The Irish won last year’s opener in South Bend, 38-3. This year’s game will be far closer, as the Irish must break in new starters at interior linebacker positions. Expect DeShone Kizer to start at Qb.

3) Ole Miss-Florida State (Monday, 8 p.m., Orlando) The Rebels, as you know, were the only team to defeat eventual national champ Alabama last season (and in Tuscaloosa). The Seminoles are a popular pick to win the national title or at least advance to the playoff. Dalvin Cook will garner a Heisman invite, but it’s the defense that will be the team’s strength.

2) Clemson at Auburn (Saturday, 9 p.m.) Tigers versus Tigers. DeShaun Watson deserved to win the Heisman last year nearly as much as Christian McCaffrey did (and yet neither won). Clemson is a popular pick to return to the national title game, but it’s no easy feat to win at Jordan-Hare.

1)  USC-Alabama (Saturday, 8 p.m., Arlington, Tex) USC, the dominant program of the first decade of this century, meets Alabama, the dominant program of this decade. Wide receiver JuJu Smith-Schuster, corner Adoree Jackson and linebacker Cameron Smith are USC’s top studs to take on the defending national champs.

4. Addition by Subtraction

Extremely tiny sample size, but the Chicago White Sox are 4-0 since suspending Chris Sale and the New York Yankees are 2-0 since trading Aroldis Chapman. The Yanks, in fact,, winners of three straight, have baseball’s best record of the last 10 games (8-2), are a season-best 4 games over .500 and are just four games out of the wildcard. Oh yeah, today is A-Rod’s 41st birthday…

5. Without a Parachute

If you want to see a good sleeper film this summer, I recommend Don’t Think Twice, which tracks the odyssey of a New York City-based improv troupe. Keegan-Michael Key is the star, but there are a few up and coming NYC-based comics/improv actors (Mike Birbiglia, who wrote and directed; Chris Gethard, who looks more like the cartoon version of Woody Allen in Annie Hall than Allen ever did; and Gillian Jacobs) whom you’ll be seeing more of.

It’s a loving ode to improv, and it also takes more than a few swipes at Saturday Night Live (here referred to as Weekend Live), which serves as the holy grail for these performers. It’s the best film about chasing dreams in NYC I’ve seen in quite some time.

Music 101

Mexican Radio

Quirky New Wave rock from one-hit wonders Wall of Voodoo. It was a modest hit, whoa-oh, in 1983.

Remote Patrol

DNC

8 p.m. or 10 p.m. (cable vs. network)

No, you’re not watching Blackish or Modern Family. This is just how Democrats are.