Turns out what your parents told you about beady-eyed men is true
Shot Rod
Do you think if I wait two weeks after the Mueller Report hits that anyone notice the craven timing of my resignation? No, Rod, no one will notice. You go right ahead.
Chase’d Off Twitter
Someone in the social media department of one of the world’s most profitable banks thought it would be a good idea to remind folks that they could save money by walking instead of taking taxis and forgoing the daily Starbucks fix. That went over well.
It’s not that the advice is bad, it’s just that when the people dispensing it took a $12 billion handout from Uncle Sam due to their own horrible choices only 10 years ago, well, people haven’t forgotten it. And to everyone who always says, “They paid it all back,” here, take this delicious Shut Up Sandwich I just fixed for you. Most of us never had that opportunity.
Chase should really come out with helpful tips for 1%ers: You: Why is my bank account so low? Bank Account: “Stop donating to Bernie Sanders’ campaign.” You: Why is commuting so expensive? Bank Account: “Don’t fly Blade to the Hamptons every weekend.”
Endgame Of Thrones
Some enterprising cable channel—need not be HBO—should air a studio show in which military experts assess the Battle of Winterfell. We re-watched it last night and a second helping, plus the post-show analysis of Benioff and Weiss, clarifies a few things that were not as clear upon first viewing (let’s face it; it was so dark that nothing was clear upon first viewing).
Strategery-wise (thank you, 43), we didn’t understand sending the Dothraki out into the darkness versus an unseen foe. That was the first major mistake. Second, maybe if Bran is the most precious cargo in all of the world, you could’ve given Theon and his band of Iron Men a little more help. Third, we don’t know how much suspension of disbelief had to be begged for Jamie, Brienne and yes, even Jon Snow, to have survived.
I’m sure there are more elements you could have thought up. Basically, the survival of the living world came down to a teenage girl making a near-impossible kill shot that involved changing hands in mid-air with a weapon. Paul George is correct. It was a bad shot.
Twins Wins
Future Hall of Famer Justin Verlander pitched an on-target gem at Target Field yesterday, limitng the Minnesota Twins to three hits. It wasn’t enough for Verlander and the Astros, however, as one of those hits was a solo homer by Ehire Adrianza (not a household name) on a 3-2 pitch. The Twins win, 1-0, and now have baseball’s second-best record (17-9) as we reach the final day of April.
Baseball’s two top teams at this early juncture are the Tampa Bay Rays (19-9) and the Twins. In terms payroll they are ranked 30th and 18th, respectively. Yes, the team with baseball’s lowest payroll has its best record.
One More Reason To Love Canadians
Firefighters and conservation officers removed a cougar from a neighborhood in British Columbia, tranquilizing it after it was spotted in a tree.
Would authorities here in the USA be humanitarian and use a tranquilizer gun or would they go all SWAT/scorched earth and go Harambe on this creature? Please respect and protect wildlife. Thank you. Check out the doggie in the background, by the way.
Music 101
Love Generation
What would happen if Bob Marley and New Order had a love child? It would probably be Bob Sinclair, the DJ who scored a massive worldwide hit with this (but not in the USA) in 2005. Note: The vocals are not by Sinclair, a French DJ, but by Gary Pine. The tune rocketed to No. 1 in Australia and Germany, but somehow never made the Top 40 (except on the dance charts) here in the USA.
Remote Patrol
Champions League Semis: Ajax at Tottenham
3 p.m. TNT
The first leg, from Tottenham Hotspur Stadium (we miss the name White Hart Lane already). We don’t know why they’re not airing Liverpool at Barcelona, either. Talk to Ernie Johnson.
Game 2: Rockets at Warriors
10:30 p.m. TNT
“Master Thespian?” “Acting! Thank you!”
If this is not the de facto NBA Finals, it’s the most star-studded series we’re going to get this spring (possible exception: Bucks-Dubs). Come for the exceptional shooting, stay for the execrable flopping.
Keeping its cult of devoted fans in the dark for 18-plus months was not enough for Game Of Thrones show runners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. Last night’s Episode 3, ‘The Battle of Winterfell,” had to be unseen to be believed. It was like one of those now politically incorrect blackout games in college football.
"That's a bad shot. I don't care what anybody says. That's a bad shot. But hey, she made it. That story will be told. It was a bad shot. You live with that." pic.twitter.com/6ALPm6UitO
Don’t get us wrong. We loved the cinema verite aspect, the fog-of-war morphing into the pitch-black-of-war realism. But yeah, the story line pretty much left us in the dark until Arya Stark went all MJ versus the Lakers in Game 1 of the 1991 NBA Finals on the Night King. Ned Stark’s younger daughter definitely possesses the clutch gene.
The Nerd Prom ditched the comic headliner this year and instead got itself a nerd: celebrated author/historian Ron Chernow (who curiously did a 4-minute bit on airline snacks). The author of Hamilton, Chernow noted he was thankful that his book’s eponymous protagonist was “an immigrant who arrived, thankfully, before the country was full.”
Chernow departed using a line from Mark Twain that is as relevant now as it was in the 19th century: “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”
The Duct-Tape Yankees
Gary Sanchez has eight home runs despite having missed 11 of New York’s first 28 games
It was a typical April day for the New York Yankees: one victory, two lost players. The Yanks downed the San Francisco Giants, 11-5, to complete a three-game sweep in the Bay Area while two starters, D.J. LeMahieu and Gio Urshela, left with injuries.
LeMahieu, acquired as a backup infielder and Ursula, who began the year in Triple A, were batting .310 and .351, respectively, when they left yesterday’s game. As you may know, the Yankees have won 11 of their past 13 games, almost all of them without 13 players on the Disabled List. That list includes All-Stars Aaron Judge, Dellin Betances, Giancarlo Stanton, Troy Tulowitzki and Luis Severino, as well as starters Didi Gregorius, Miguel Andujar and Aaron Hicks.
The only full-time starter from last year who has yet to miss a game is infielder Gleyber Torres, though 35 year-old Brett Gardner has only missed one. Also, deliver Domingo German, pressed into a starting role due to injuries, is now tied for the Major League Wins lead with 5 (5-1, 2.56 ERA).
The question for Yankee fans: What happens when the All-Stars return?
The Lost Boy Scout
Two weeks past, we finally have a three-word review of the Special Counsel’s 400-page report on the investigation into President Donald Trump: “Not great, Bob!”
It appears that Robert Mueller heard history knocking on his door and chose to keep the lights off, like a curmudgeon on Halloween night, and wait until the trick-or-tweeters departed.
Mueller’s history of being a by-the-book prosecutor and a valiant soldier finally caught up with him, it appears. There was more than ample opportunity for a noble strike, for a maneuver that would not break a law but only decorum. Or precedent. He opted to not take it.
#NewRule: Just because you have a stone face doesn't mean you belong on Mount Rushmore. We all sat around waiting for Prosecutor Jesus to turn in his big report, and he came back with, 'Ask someone else.'" pic.twitter.com/QttfXKVSHK
— Real Time with Bill Maher (@RealTimers) April 27, 2019
Whatever may or may not be concluded about Trump’s relationship with Russia and Vladimir Putin, it is beyond the pale to not conclude that the president has been doing everything possible (including firing FBI Director James Comey, the very act that initiated this special investigation) to obstruct justice the past two years. Just because a president has never been indicted for obstructing justice before does not mean it is not permissible.
“Honey, Do You Feel A Draft?”
We still don’t understand why so many tens of thousands of people showed up to watch the NFL Draft live on the streets of Nashville with ESPN’s College GameDay crew (and where were celebrity pickers The Chainsmokers???). We do know that this was our favorite draft-related moment:
Other thoughts: We love what Da Raidas! did in drafting RB Josh Jacobs. Almost makes up for taking Clelin Ferrell at No. 4. Gruden and Mayock also used a fifth-round pick on Clemson’s former walk-on wideout Hunter Renfrow and then signed Notre Dame LB TeVon Coney as an UFA. All Coney did the past two seasons for a team that went a collective 22-4 was post 116 and 123 tackles…Giants GM Dave Gettleman has staked his future on Duke QB Daniel Jones, who against Clemson last season led the Blue Devils to a pair of field goals and 158 yards passing (on 24 completions, so mostly dinks and dumps)…No one has yet signed Syracuse QB Eric Dungey, which somewhat surprises us…Seattle got a steal in local linebacker Ben Burr-Kirven (U-Dub) in the 5th round. He’s undersized at 6’0″ but he was the Pac-12 Defensive Player of the Year for a reason…The 6th round saw college QB faves Gardner Minshew (Jax) and Trace McSorley (Baltimore) get selected. Will either hang on? That’ll be fun to track…
Music 101
Gold
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-CJji921gM
In 1979, a pair of better known musical Stewarts (Al and Rod) had singles that hit the charts, but neither had a Top 5 hit. This Stewart, John Stewart, did. The SoCal reared-Stewart even had Stevie Nicks singing backup vocals, though she is nowhere to be seen as he performs the song “live” on the premiere episode of “Solid Gold.” What an Au-some choice of artist by the show’s producers.
Remote Patrol
Blazers at Nuggets: Game 1
10:30 p.m. TNT
Pop wonders how an international player this talented escaped his clutches
“I’ll take ‘Teams that ESPN never mentioned before last week this season for $400, Alex.'” The Nuggets are led by seven-foot Serbian Nikola Jokic, whose Game 7 line versus the Spurs Saturday was one for the ages: 21 points, 15 rebounds, 10 assists and zero turnovers (can you imagine if LeBron had done that? Yes, Susie B., he is the last dude to have a triple-double in a Game 7)
No idea if using the No. 1 overall pick to draft 5’10” QB Kyler Murray will turn out to be a brilliant maneuver or cosmically stupid—oddly, the Cardinals just got rid of a Heisman Trophy-winning Oklahoma QB who was a dud on the field and in the locker room—just know that it’s a huge risk.
You may recall that we called this pick about a month ago with absolute certainty. If Arizona can land a first-round talent for Josh RosenRosen, that improves this risk. For now, we would’ve taken Nick Bosa or Quinnen Williams, emphasis on the latter.
N’Keal? N’kay!
Harry, 1, is a physical freak and will assuage the loss of Rob Gronkowski (lose one Arizona-based college player, gain another)
Mark this down: with the first pick in the first round, the Cardinals took 5’10” QB Kyler Murray. With the last pick in the first round, the Patriots selected 6’4″ wideout N’Keal Harry. Ask anyone around the Arizona State athletic department and they’ll tell you Bill Belichick got the better player.
If the Caribbean native Harry can adapt to the New England clime (plus guaranteed road games in Buffalo and East Rutherford), he can be a monster in Foxboro. Clip and save.
Defense Never Rests
Bosa was the first of 15 defensive front seven hotshots taken in the first round
Never mind Murray and Harry (Hey, you brought ’em up, JW), defense was the story last night. Twelve of the first 19 players were defensive front seven studs (a defensive 2ndary player did not hear his name until the 21st pick [Maryland’s Darnell Savage, Jr.] and a running back not until the 23rd [Alabama’s Josh Jacobs, who will be absolutely loved by Raider Nation]).
Bosa and Williams are locks to be great. Time will tell if Clemson’s Clelin Ferrell was a reach at No. 4 or if Houton’s Ed Oliver got unfairly dissed (picked 9th by Buffalo) over an unfortunate jacket incident caught by ESPN’s cameras.
Notre Dame’s Jerry Tillery became the first Irish defensive lineman to go in the first round in more than 20 years. Two years ago, as his season was ending with an ejection in the rain at the Southern Cal game, few would have predicted this. He made a wonderful comeback.
Hondo
Hondo vs. Clyde
Celtic legend John Havlicek, basketball’s original glue guy, passes away at age 79. Hondo was a small forward who came up GIGANTIC in big moments, from “Havlicek stole the ball!” to his burying of a jumper to force another overtime in the 3-overtime classic against the Phoenix Suns in the 1976 NBA Finals.
Growing up as a Knicks fan in the early 1970s (I actually remember them winning an NBA championship…it’s crazy), Hondo was the player I feared most. And never hated. He always seemed to make the right play, but the manner in which he performed courted nothing but respect and admiration. You’ll read in all the plaudits today how simply nice a man he was.
Havlicek played on a national champion Ohio State team (with Bob Knight and Jerry Lucas) in 1960 and then went 8-0 in NBA Finals. Even Jordan looks up at that figure. He always seemed to play for the winning team. That was no coincidence.
Eighty-Six Happiness
Not the author, but the hair color is about right
Much thanks for all the kind words on the Deadspin story. Funny enough, I’m working two shifts at two different restaurants today (part of my smugness, no doubt), which is why today’s column is so abbreviated.
I want to publicly thank Bob Roe, my guardian angel professionally the past six years and my shepherd on this story. No editor is better, as an editor and as a person. It’s a crime that he is not managing editor at a big-name publication. But this is what happens when you have a penchant for wearing funny socks. I love Bob.
Also a huge thanks to Barry Petchesky at Deadspin, whom I’ve never met in person. I’d been shopping this story to various publications the past three weeks. I was even telling editors I didn’t even care to be paid for it. I got a few “not in our wheelhouse” replies and even a few non-replies. If you are in a creative field and the rejection is getting to you, do two things: 1) keep polishing your work to improve it and 2) keep looking because there is probably a Barry Petchesky out there.
Also, Barry asked wonderfully probing questions that made the article stronger. Most of the trenchant commentary you see in there is because Barry pushed me to answer some questions I may have been too uncomfortable to initially explore. Thank you, Barry. Beers on me.
Of all the comments I’ve received, I thought Amy Lundy Dahl (a friend from my UConn book days) made the most insightful. She wrote, “It read like someone who had been set free.” Absolutely. In the past decade I’ve been liberated from worrying about whether I was living up to the expectations myself and others had set (Hey, why did those dudes make senior writer and I didn’t?!) and just learned to enjoy my life.
Some day? It’s already here. Take advantage.
Thanks for reading. And thanks to all of you who know who you are.
There will be a new Stanley Cup champion this spring as the Carolina Hurricanes ousted Alex Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals in Game 7, in overtime, in D.C.
Yes, but will there also be a new NBA champion? The Los Angeles Clippers beat the Golden State Warriors, in Oakland, for the second time in their best-of-seven series. Related: Yes, we’d like to see NBA and NHL first-round series be five games. Also related: $$$$.
If they return for a Game 7, Lou Williams and the Clips won’t be intimidated. Curious thought: between the years 1956 and 2010 there were only two NBA franchises that won an NBA championship in their first and only trip to the NBA Finals. One of them was the 1975 Warriors (okay, you can go with Philly Warriors if you’d like, but we’re counting same team/same city) and the other was the 1977 Portland Trail Blazers.
Wait a minute: Wasn’t this supposed to be a hockey item?
Jacobs, And We Ain’t Josh’ing
Run Angry. Jacobs will make some NFL fan base very happy.
We already know Kyler Murray will be the top pick in tonight’s NFL draft. We are hoping Denver will trade Arizona for the pick, henceforth the state could be known as Kylerado. We realize that may be too much to ask.
Kyler Murray, top pick. In our minds, Alabama DT Quinnen Williams is the best player regardless of position (and, like Quenton Nelson last spring, the safest pick).
But if you ask us who from this class will be the NFL Rookie of the Year in 2019, we’re going with Williams’ Crimson Tide teammate, running back Josh Jacobs. He’s a latest model Marshawn Lynch.
Your World Turned Upside Down
We were always amused by The West Wing episode that introduced us to Cartographers For Social Equality, a group that literally endeavored to turn the world upside down. See, their argument was, and it’s not crazy, is that there is no scientific reason that our planet needs to be seen as is, top to bottom. That is, there is no frame of reference in outer space that makes it incumbent upon us to designate north as the top of the world. It’s more of a political construct.
Anyway, something to mull over (or under?) today. Also, in this world, the sun would rise in the west and set in the east. Also, Canada and Russia, look how big you are!
Pony Up
We saw the headline for this story in The New York Times last weekend: “Finland’s Hobbyhorse Girls, Once A Secret Society, Now Prance In Public.” Honestly, we did not click, so sure were we that this is an elaborate sting set up to catch pedophiles. So you tell us if this is a good story if you dare.
Tragic Starlet
Peters
So we’re watching Random Harvest on the TCM (of course) the other night, a 1942 film that has remarkably little to do with farming. Ronald Colman plays a middle-aged World War I vet, British, who cannot recall the last three years of his life, but it turns out that Greer Garson and he had been in love and were married.
This is what’s known as escapist fantasy: Wouldn’t it have been nice for every young man attending the movies in 1942 to think that Greer Garson was madly in love with him, it’s just that he couldn’t remember it.
Again, because it’s the Forties and it’s Hollywood, Colman comes to his sense and learns that he’s actually the heir to a magnificent estate. And, of course, there’s a young beauty, played by Susan Peters, who is madly in love with him. In real life Colman was 51 and Peters was 21. What a time to be alive. (both were nominated for Oscars for these roles; neither won; Peters was definitely the one doing a better acting job, if you know what I mean)..
We did some research on Peters, because we’d never heard of her. Turns out the Spokane-born actress was an up-and-comer. Then on New Year’s Day, 1945, she was paralyzed below the waist in a gun-related accident (we need more details on this). Peters continued to work, however, finding a few stage roles for wheelchair-bound characters.
Eventually, sadly, depression overtook her. She began starving herself, wanting to die. Eventually she caught pneumonia and left the world at the age of 31. I can’t believe Hilary Swank hasn’t already turned this into a third Oscar-winning role. There’s a biopic waiting to be made.
Actually, 7.69 seconds but still the fastest in Premier League annals.
Starting Five
R.I.P. City
In Game 5 at the Moda Center, the first and last buckets of the second half were made by the same man from virtually the same spot on the court: Damian Lillard from 34-37 feet out.
The first bucket put the Blazers up 64-60. The last, as the clock struck 0:00, put the Thunder away, 118-115. In between OKC went up by 15 points with 7 1/2 minutes remaining, but PTL (if one can OKC, the other can PTL) raced back.
Lillard’s rainbow three as time expired—he never even attempted to penetrate closer with All-Star Paul George guarding him—put a nice even 50 in the score book next to his name. Imagine, the size of those nads to not only want the shot with a chance to win the series as time expires, but saying to yourself, I think I’ll just do this from another zip code. That shot beat every playground-all-by-yourself moment we’ve ever had.
The Thunder, eliminated in the first round for the third straight year since KD departed, have now lost 12 road playoff games in a row.
Avengers: Endgame 7
In San Jose, the Vegas Golden Knights led the Sharks 3-0 in Game 7 of their first-round series. There were but 10 minutes remaining. This one was on ice in more than one way.
Then Cody Eakin of the GK cross-checked Joe Pavelski on a face-off, got a 5-minute major, and the Sharks, seeing blood on frozen water, behaved accordingly. They scored 4 goals in the next 4 minutes to take a 4-3 lead. Let me repeat that: Down 3-0, they scored 4 goals in 4 minutes deep in the third period. In Game 7.
But it wasn’t over. The Golden Knights scored in the final minute to force overtime. But then San Jose scored in OT to take the series. Madness.
Olivia (No Hussey)
de Havilland and Errol Flynn
Watching the original Robin Hood the other night and noticed that Olivia de Havilland plays Maid Marian, which means that in consecutive years, and before her 24th birthday, the Bay Area-reared actress had landed major roles in Robin Hood and Gone With the Wind. Not a bad two-fer.
A couple other things to know about de Havilland: 1) She is one of only 20 actresses to win at least TWO Oscars and only the third to do so after Bette Davis and Luise Rainer, 2) She seriously dated Jimmy Stewart, who proposed to her but she turned him down, 3) her sister was Joan Fontaine, who also won a Best Actress Oscar and 4) this is the most WOW! thing: though hers was the only lead character among the four in Gone With The Wind to (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) die, de Havilland is still alive! That’s right. She’s 102 years old (we’ll keep checking on this to update), which has to make her the oldest living Oscar winner.
No Luke Pass?*
*The judges are still mulling “No Luke Passion”
Former USC volleyball player, former SoCal based TV reporter and still tall Kelli Tennant has filed a sexual assault charge against newly fired L.A. Laker head coach and even more newly hired Sacramento Kings head coach Luke Walton.
Did you get all that? The alleged incident took place at a plush Santa Monica hotel (plush Santa Monica hotels are veritable petri dishes for alleged incidents…trust us) when Walton was an assistant coach with the Warriors. She had written a book, he wrote the foreword, she offered to drop off a copy at the hotel, he told her to park so that they could visit, she went up to his room, her allegations are that he forcibly pushed her down and groped her and welllllllllllllll, whatever happened, I don’t like her shot in court. Which is nothing personal against her.
By the way, Tennant never stipulated who got off the elevator first.
Meanwhile, Walton’s attorney has stated that Tennant’s claim is “baseless” and added, “The accuser is an opportunist, not a victim, and her claim is not credible.”
He’s 39. She’s 31. He’s 6’8.” She’s 6’2″ (we challenge you to find another news site story on this incident that supplies this basic information).
We’ll stand by and let you know what Stephen Moore thinks about all of this as soon as he issues a statement.
Canada Cry
North of our border, their long national nightmare continues. Canadia, the nation that invented hockey (and basketball, but that’s another story), will endure another spring without Lord Stanley’s Cup.
When the Toronto Maple Leafs fell in Game 7 to the Boston Bruins last night, they ensured that Canadia’s Stanley Cup drought, which began in 1994, would continue at least another season. Calgary and Winnipeg were knocked out of the playoffs last week/weekend, and Toronto, which has not hoisted the Cup since 1967, fell 5-1 in Boston.
How it feels to be a Leafs fan right now
The Montreal Canadiens, in 1993, were the last Canadian franchise to win the Cup. We’ve now gone a full quarter-century in a country where winter Saturday nights are built around watching hockey on television, without another Canadian club savoring victory.
If it’s any solace, and it isn’t, there’s a good chance that whatever team hoists the Cup in June will have a few Canadiens on the roster.
Reserves
At The Kofa, Kofa Cabana
Longtime Phoenicians know the experience of driving to Los Angeles (approx. 5 hours) along I-10 and also of making the near-parallel drive to San Diego (approx. 6 hours) along I-8 but most have never spent any time in the western Arizona desert between the two interstates. With good reason: there are no real towns and nary a road betwixt.
What most people, Arizonans and non-, are unaware of is that there is a dedicated wilderness area in between those two interstates. Fewer even know why it is there.
The Kofa National Wildlife Refuge is 665,400 acres of land (roughly the size of Rhode Island) that has been set aside almost entirely for the purpose of protecting Arizona’s native bighorn sheep population. The refuge was established in 1939—what a time to be alive, when civic leaders actually did what was best for the land instead of thinking of it only in terms of commercial development or what natural resources could be mined or taken out of the area.
The landscape, as you can see, is dramatic and beautiful. It’s also an afterthought to even the most adventurous of Arizonans. If there’s one quadrant of the state that is least visited/most forgotten, it is the southwest corner.
The herd currently numbers between 450-500
It should also be noted that the refuge might not exist were it not for a massive letter-writing campaign by Arizona’s Boy Scouts (is it any surprise that the refuge was dedicated in the same year Mr. Smith Goes To Washington was released?). Astounding, isn’t it, how so many boys’ hearts and minds are in the right place, until they become men and money-obsessed and then, well, the environment gets f***ed.
Here’s to a better time, when people respect the wonders of the natural world. Which is not the time we are currently living in, at least not reflected by the “leaders” we have.
Music 101
Don’t Cry
In the mid-Eighties Henry Samuel was homeless, sleeping on a friend’s couch in London, and wondering aloud if he sang okay. Um, yup. Seal has one of the most naturally ethereal (is that a thing?) male voices in pop music history. This tune, from 1995, only hit No. 33 on the Billboard chart but to be fair, America was a little worn out from the sheer merciless radio bombardment of “Kiss From A Rose,” that album’s first single, by this point.
Remote Patrol
Nova: Saving The Dead Sea
9 p.m. PBS
If for no other reason to square it in your mind the difference between the Dead Sea and the Red Sea, you may want to tune in. Remember: Red Sea, parted; Dead Sea, scrolls. Anyway, some geniuses want to connect the two seas via a desalinization plant in order to save the Dead Sea and, in the process, bring eternal peace to the Middle East. But you’d probably rather watch Survivor (facepalm).
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