STARTING FIVE

The Artist Formerly Known as Brave, Brave Sir Robben turned Recife into a dive bar

1. Oranje is the New Black List

Mexico and its manager, Wet Herrera/Mexican Hodor, led the favored Dutch 1-0 through 87 minutes of their Final 16 match on Sunday. Then, in th 88th minute, Wesley Snipes Sneijder of the Oranje got a sweet goal off a set piece. Then, in the 90th minute, one half of the Brave, Brave Sir Robbens had his toe slightly touched in the penalty box by a Mexican defender and went all opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan.”

It was awful.

A penalty kick ensued, to be struck by SuperHandsome Klaas Jan Huntelaar, who converted the goal and immediately signed a deal to appear in a remake of “Air Wolf.”

And here Jan Huntelaar shows off his martial artistry.

And so Mexico is out. The Men in Blazers’ lament.  As you know (are sick of), I’m utterly gobsmacked by this pair (to the point that I now annoyingly drop in British terms to my lingo), but I think my favorite thing is hearing Michael Davies’ saying, “Bob Ley’s Panic Room” so that it sounds like, “Bubbly’s Panic Room.”

Miguel Herrera, or as Roger Bennett said, “Chris Farley’s ghost spirit mating with Pete Rose’s hairdo.”

2. Heat Up Some Leftovers?

Justin Theroux is the answer. The question: What would the disheveled spawn of Mel Gibson and Carson Daly look like?

It’s been a feast on Sunday nights all of 2014 so far. From the end of Walking Dead’s half-season to Rust Cohle and Marty Hart in True Detective to the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards and the Oscars, to Mad Men and Veep and Silicon Valley to, of course, Game of Thrones. So now that the feast is over, what remains?

Well, there’s a few weeks’ reprieve to allow critics time to sharpen their MacBook keys before the final season of The Newsroom gets underway (and, hey, Sloane Sabbith, nice boyfriend upgrade, by the way). Last night HBO attempted to sate our appetite with “The Leftovers”, an apocalyptic view of the world in which 2% of the Earth’s population suddenly vanishes.

(I’d call this progress, but hey, that’s just me;).

The Leftovers is not to be confused with Leftoverture, an album by Kansas that is not to be confused with its other album, Point of Know Return, which would actually make a better title for this series.

More white walkers–just another Sunday night at HBO.

Anyway, if you like the idea of Jennifer Aniston’s dude in a starring role and Amy Brenneman hanging out with a cult of smokers who don’t believe in shampoo, then this series is for you. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. The most inspired scene may have come when the police chief, Mr. Aniston (Justin Theroux) is watching TV at a bar as a cable news channel lists all the celebs who vanished and one of them was Shaq, which leads me to wonder if Charles Barkley is not a producer. Here’s Alan Sepinwall’s review.

3. KKKKKKKKKKKKKershaw!

Kershaw: Baseball’s most HoF-ready player under 30…but have you seen him in a single TV ad? (How about, “Kershaw Force?”)

Los Angeles Dodger ace Clayton Kershaw –not to be confused with Kate Capshaw, but why would you? –fans 13 Cardinals as the Los Angelenos defeat the St. Louisenos, 6-0. Kershaw’s last 3 outings:

Record: 3-0

Strikeouts: 36

Innings: 24

Earned Runs: 0

Hits Allowed: 11

Here’s a Not-Sucky profile of Kershaw by Grantland if you have a free half-hour or so.

4. The World’s Most Famous Serena

For the record, Margaret Court, whose last GS came in 1972, has a record-24 GS wins. Steffi Graf? 22. Serena: 17.

The most dominant female tennis player of the past decade? Serena Williams, who won 16 Grand Slams between 2002 and 2013, bowed out at Wimbledon in the 3rd round over the weekend against Alize Cornet, who previously had gone 0-13 versus Top 20 competition in grand slams.

Williams, 32, has now bowed out in the 4th, 2nd and 3rd rounds of grand slams this year –and incidentally, she has never even hit a grand slam in a baseball game! What’s up with that?!?– and next to 2014 on her Wikipedia page you will simply see the word, “Decline.”

Ouch, babe. If Serena does not advance beyond the 4th round at the U.S. Open in Augtember, it would be only the second time since 1998 (the first, 2006) in which she failed to advance beyond the 4th round in all four grand slams.

Between you and me, I don’t think she’s ever going to catch Jack Nicklaus.

5. Chris Rocks

I happen to be white (No!) and I prefer Chris Rock to Kid Rock times, like, a thousand. Here he is last night hosting the BET Awards. I won’t ruin any punch lines for you other than to say that, like that dude Vanessa Williams used to sing about, he saves the best for last.

Where in the World?

Hint: This is not a monument to Jamie Lannister

Friday: Ball’s Pyramid, off the east coast of Australia. The world’s tallest sea stack, which is not to be confused with the world’s tallest Sleestak.

Another Weekend Edition duo of It’s All Happening! curated by Jacob Anstey. Camp is set, and I am ready to go. 

Starting Five 

Great form, really.

1. Momma Can Always Run

Five-time national champion and Olympian, Alysia Johnson Montano, is obviously a superb runner. Now, though, we know pregnant or not, Montano can run.

34 months pregnant and Alysia still has her game face on. As a middle distance runner, Montano specializes in the 800 meter run. Her personal best to date (was outdoors) for the 800 is 1:57.34. If you are a fan of track and field, or know the basics, you know breaking the two-minute barrier in the 800 is special.

This past Thursday, Montano competed in the U.S. Track and Field Championships. Her finishing time of 2:32.13 placed her last in her heat. The feat, however, is still magnificent.

Her soon to be daughter or son has already competed in the U.S. Championship. We’ll try to update you in 18 years when they attempt to do it again.

2. Too Much for Us

The joke is on you, suckers!

It’s outrageous! $225,000 for a speaking event at a fundraiser? How dare you abuse that university, Hillary Clinton. But, wait; someone actually agreed to pay that kind of cash for a soon-to-be presidential candidate (just forecasting, folks)?

As a collegiate student myself — and rational human being — I understand the students’ discomfort of such an expenditure. Money certainly does not grow on trees. I am sure UNLV president Elias Benjelloun is a smart fellow, but I must admit that he seems to be directing his anger at the wrong person. The regents who approved of the speaking fee, rather, should be getting lectured.

In short, you can’t give someone money then direct them towards where that money goes. That makes sense, doesn’t it?

Many will unleash their individual political lore on the subject. Before you do so, we would like to advise you in remembering the steps of rationality.

3. First to 50

Is this the team Jabari tanked his workout for?

The Milwaukee Brewers are the first Major League team to 50 wins this year. Not all good things have good endings, however. The last team to reach the World Series and be the first to 50 wins was the 2006 Detroit Tigers. They lost to the Cardinals, who finished the season five games above .500, in five games.

We are halfway through the season, meaning there is still a lot of baseball to be played. If you are a betting individual, I’d advise against putting money on the Brewers to reach the World Series.

The lucky team in all of this is the Oakland Athletics. Currently 49-30, they have avoided the dreaded label of being the first to 50.

4. Uber-Valued Part II

It has been a talking point on the Weekend Edition before. That is, Uber — which has been valued at $17 billion — is overvalued and is being pumped up with false ambition. The company, no doubt, has potential and is a cash-creating juggernaut. But it is no where near the value it has been handed. Instead, I believe it is closer to the $6 billion valuation that was pointed out by FiveThirtyEight writer Aswath Damodaran in a recent column he wrote.

Damodaran is somewhat conservative and kind in his valuation of Uber. The data is linked in his column and there is quite a bit. I am not a user of Uber or have much knowledge of the intricacies which is its technology, but I am skeptical if it can hold a strong enough market share to stay extremely profitable for long.

5.  Win or Go Home

Not even FIFA can diminish the beauty in this.

If you have been on Twitter lately, you have been inundated with a mass of individuals that disdain soccer. For whatever reason they may think so, I don’t care. Before this year’s World Cup, my knowledge and interest in soccer was pretty dull. Then, about a week before the group play began, I started reading about the World Cup. Since then, I have been hooked. The beauty. The stories. The heartbreak. I can’t get enough.

I am not an expert on the game, nor will I pretend to act like one. No sport, however, should be ridiculed. You are free to speak as you wish, but don’t be a hypocrite. If you are bored, don’t watch. Problem fixed. Meanwhile, here is how the United States and Germany did ratings-wise for their 12 pm weekday game. I’ll let those numbers speak for itself.

The Round of 16 begins today, headlined by Brazilian forward Neymar. Get a morning run in, or something productive done, then enjoy the day’s festivities.

STARTING FIVE

Hipster

1. We’re Through (In A Good Way)

As one clever tweep asked, “How many more games does the USA need to lose in order to win the World Cup?”

The USA defeats Portugal and Ghana by losing to Germany, 1-0, the kind of win that Lt. Aldo Raine would be proud of. 

I kind of like that the breakout stars of American soccer this summer are two German-born men (Jurgen Klinsmann and Jermaine Jones) and two Brits (the always cheeky Men in Blazers).

2. Gator Haters

Young, man, there’s a place you can go. If Patric does not land on an NBA roster, he could still become the best-paid bouncer in South Beach.

The University of Florida was the No. 1 ranked team in the nation in each of the final four weeks of the college basketball season last winter. The Gators even advanced to the Final Four, where they lost to eventual national champion UConn. Gator point guard Scottie Wilbekin was named SEC Player of the Year, an honor that in two of the previous four seasons was bestowed on the No. 1 overall pick in the draft; Casey Prather led the SEC in FG %; and Patric Young was universally acclaimed as having the most NFL-ready physique of any big man in college hoops.

Last night, not a single Florida Gator was selected in the NBA draft. 

Now, there’s an excellent chance here that I’m citing data (UF finished 36-3) that is not germane to any one Gator ‘baller’s draft stock. Okay, granted. But it will be nice to learn what Billy Donovan thinks of all this, as well as to see what these three are doing in a year or two.

3. Lastros! Lastros!

When you’re already in last place, what harm can the SI cover curse do to you?

Putting rookie phenom George Springer, from hard hittin’ New Britain (the same home town as a top-flight SI editor) on the cover of SI? Yes. Doing an unorthodox story on how to build a baseball team without putting Brad Pitt on the cover? Yes.

But why use a rare instance when the Lastros are wearing throwback unis, especially when their current unis are so handsome?

By the way, that other Lone Star State team, the Rangers, have lost eight straight and are still ahead of the Lastros.

Oh, and did you enjoy SI senior writer Alan Shipnuck whining on Twitter yesterday that his Michelle Wie story didn’t make the cover? His bosses did not.

4. Hating Soccer: An American Pastime

All of these people are apparently wrong

A troglodyte says what?

Three people over the age of 50 all felt the urge at in the past 48 hours to tell the teeming masses who are enjoying the World Cup that what they are enjoying is not enjoyable.

First, there was Pete Prisco of CBS Sports, who tweeted, “Watched both matches. Interesting, but boring sport.”

This only two tweets after he tweeted, “Love no-hitters” about Lincecum’s feat. I don’t get it, Pete. Nobody got a hit. That sounds really boring.

Then there was Chet Coppock of Chicago’s WLS, a radio voice I greatly admire, who felt the urge to remind us that while the World Cup ratings have been solid, they don’t even begin to approach threatening those of the almighty Chicago Bears. Tweeteth Coppock, “As great as #WorldCup2014 may be it doesn’t come with in a loud foul of the #TVratings the Bears pull #NFL”

Finally, there was Ann Coulter, whose I-Hate-Soccer screed was so blatantly cliche and xenophobic (Coulter flat-out wrote “It’s foreign” as a reason that she didn’t like it) that I’d believe it were satire if I didn’t know the source: the Coultergeist.

It’s okay if you don’t enjoy soccer. Not everyone does. I’m not here to convert any of you. I’m just wondering why you feel so threatened by its growing popularity.

5. Tiger, Tigers

Tiger Woods returns to playing actual golf (and shoots a 74 in the opening round of the Quicken Loans Invitational). He is tied for 76th place heading into today’s second round.

The Detroit Tigers return to playing actual baseball and reel off seven straight victories, including sweeps of the Cleveland Indians and Texas Rangers, both on the road.

Where in the World

Yesterday’s spot: the Kansas City Public Library

Hint? Southern hemisphere

Remote Patrol

Chile vs Brazil

ESPN, Noon (Sat.)

Chile. Relleno.

The World Cup’s dueling dark horses are Belgium and Chile (bad news for the Yanks, I know). La Roja will bring plenty of fans with them to Belo Horizonte to face the favored hosts. These two also met in the Round of 16 in 2010, with Brazil winning 3-0.

STARTING FIVE

Please lose the mustache, Tim. We love you, and we hate to see such horrible follicles happen to such a chill dude.

1. Lincecum Gulch?

AT&T Park has McCovey Cove, but now that Tim “Big Time Timmy Jim” Lincecum has thrown a second career no-hitter, the Giants may want to immortalize him in physical space, too.

A few notes:

–Only 32 pitchers have thrown multiple no-hitters, and most of them taller than Lincecum, who stands five-foot-eleven.

–Only three pitchers own multiple no-hitters and multiple Cy Youngs: Sandy Koufax, Randy Johnson, and now Lincecum.

–Only two have multiple no-hitters, multiple Cy Youngs and multiple World Series rings: Koufax and Lincecum.

–Lincecum actually had a 6.58 ERA for the month of June before yesterday’s start against the Padres. While he has led the National League in strikeouts three times and has posted sub-3.00 ERAs three times, his ERAs the past three seasons have been 5.18, 4.37 and 4.42. His record in that span is 26-34. He has never won even 19 games in a season.

Is Lincecum even a Hall of Famer? His A-plus personable nature will help him with voters some day.

2. GoPro Goes Public

Woodman, that rare CEO who uses “stoked” all the time.

If you are the recumbent type who passively ingests sports, you may not be all that familiar with GoPro. However, if you’re the type whose life actually emulates a Red Bull commercial –surfing, skiing, BASE-jumping, off-road racing–then you know all about GoPro.

GoPro was originally created for adventure junkies, but the camera’s uses are only limited by our imagination. Or our fears. The easiest way to describe GoPro video to someone whose never seen it? Think of that bullet’s path in the original Matrix film.

Today the fledgling company goes public (GPRO), and while I’m not sure about just how successful it will be, the company’s founder, Nicholas Woodman, is an intriguing dude. On a CNBC interview with Becky Quick this morning, he was asked what trait all successful entrepeneurs have in common. “Monomaniacal focus,” Woodman replied. This recent 60 Minutes profile of him last year (thanks, Ross Blacker) is terrifc.

Woodman also acknowledged that when he was developing his product, he was so intent that he’d use his Camel-Bak pouch as his bathroom so that he wouldn’t have to leave his desk. Woodman is a total San Diego boy, a guy whose first company flopped so he decided to travel the world surfing. And it was on that expedition that he hatched the idea for GoPro.

3. Amy Van Dyken

It’s been sort of buried beneath all of the noise of both the World Cup and the NBA Finals (and LeBron), but Olympic swimmer Amy Van Dyken, who won four gold medals at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, was paralyzed from the waist down in an ATV accident on June 6. Van Dyken, who is married to former NFL punter Tom Rouen, was in the Mogollon Rim area of Arizona, in the town of Show Low, when the accident occurred. She was riding the ATV in a parking lot, launched over a curb, and slid down an embankment.

Van Dyken, 41, will likely never walk again. In her first public appearance, she was disarmingly upbeat and positive. There’s a long road ahead, of course.

4. “I Believe!”

“I Believe That We Will Draw” also works today…

Things the World Cup has introduced a wider audience to: “Men in Blazers” (Not in the face), “Seven Nation Army” (I know, college football fans were already well aware of it), Luis Suarez and the “I Believe” chant. As for the last on the list, it was actually started by Naval Academy plebe Jay Rodriguez back in the late 1990s. Here’ the story, from Yahoo! Sports.

5. Great Day For the Irish

The Dawgs’ QB was Buck Belue, a name that even Dan Jenkins would not have been able to conjure.

Yesterday Notre Dame announced that it will play a home-and-home football series with the “How ’bout them Dawgs!” in 2017 and 2019 (a certain someone said on Twitter within the last year that if there is one school he’d like to see the Irish play in football, that would be Georgia). Even better, Herschel Walker will not be suiting up this time.

Also, our friend Dan Wolken’s alma mater, Vanderbilt, won the College World Series last night, which means that the Irish win the Capital One Cup. What’s in your wallet, Jack Swarbrick? An extra $200,000 in scholarship money this morning.

Where In The World

Take that, Amazon Nook!

On the advice of loyal reader Crash, I’ll reveal WitW on the following day from now on. A clue, though: It’s domestic.

STARTING FIVE

Would Uruguay agree to a FIFA condition that Suarez can only play in the knockout stage if he wears a funnel?

1. An Inconvenient Tooth

Luis Suarez, serial masticator.

This Wright Thompson long-form profile on Suarez is, as all Wright Thompson pieces seem to be, extremely well-written…it’s just disappointing to see the conclusion Thompson draws: that one’s difficult youth, particularly if that person is talented, allows them a free pass for reprehensible behavior as an adult. As Twitter friend-whom-I-don’t-actually-know Trenni Kusnierek tweeted, “I’m just tired of talent being more important than human decency.”

No one from Uruguay, not Suarez and not his manager, actually denied that Suarez had bitten Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini in the shoulder. And Suarez’s teammate, I-don’t-know-his-first-name Ramirez, literally tried to cover it up.

After Chiellini was bitten, the referee did send someone from Uruguay to a corner–but it was not a punishment.

Suarez should be banned by FIFA for at least the remainder of the tournament. From a World Cup perspective, I’m not the least bit interested as to WHY he bites people. I’ll leave that to the child psychologists to worry about for when Suarez is off the pitch.

Marv is probably relieved no one has asked him to call a Uruguay World Cup game.

In sport, and this is why we like them so much, there are no rationalizations. There are rules –which apply to all equally — and there’s a score and that’s really all that matters.

Here now, the “Men in Blazers” chew on Suarez’s bite…

2. Our Favorite Mistake

Another reason I prefer animals to people.

Female pop singers from Sheryl Crow (“My Favorite Mistake”) to Taylor Swift(“Trouble”) have written about bad boys whom they knew they should not have gotten involved with. Last Friday night Bill Maher took it one step further, endeavoring to explain that America’s hope to impose democracy on Iraq is akin to a girl trying to turn a bad boy into someone respectable.

I’m not a big fan of Maher as a comedian –he’s too angry and pissy to be actually funny–but his “New Rules” segment, which is crafted with other writers, is consistently good and occasionally highly profound. This was one of those moments.

For years I used to argue with a friend of mine about Iraq. He’d say that giving a nation democracy was the greatest gift we as a country could give them. I’d remind him that he was never a little brother, and that if there’s one thing little brothers hate, it’s big brothers telling them what to do–even if the big brother’s intentions are good.

Geopolitics does actually resemble inter-personal relationships, and I feel for people who cannot see that. It’s more simple than you think, most of the time.

3. Triumph Triumphs Again

“If you like watching porn in reverse, this sport is for you.”

As Dog on the Street segments go, nothing is consistently funnier than Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Team Coco sent him to Queens to speak with World Cup fans and, well, just cede the next eight minutes of your life to this.

4. Where In The World?

Been there, dune that?

Clue: These are the world’s highest sand dunes (check out the trees below).

5. 23 Jump Street?

Did someone request just THIS MUCH Brian Windhorst on ESPN this month? Bob Ley is sitting down in Rio and saying, “Hey, just one plump guy in a suit at a time on our air!”

Windhorst, 36, grew up in Akron and graduated high school from Akron St. Vincent-St. Mary, the same school from which LeBron James would later graduate. He began covering James in 2003 for the Akron Beacon Journal and he’s basically been covering The King ever since, no matter where James goes. So you can bet that wherever James winds up next season, Windhorst will be relocating there.

That’s good news for Windhorst. But what, if James leaves Miami, of the existing ESPN.com writer in the city to which LeBron migrates? Will ESPN.com just have, for example, a Milwaukee Bucks beat writer and a LeBron beat writer?

Windhorst is, as my old colleague Jack McCallum would say, “LeBron’s Boswell.” That’s a reference to James Boswell, an 18th-century Brit who is best-known for having been a constant companion to and biographer of English literary figure Samuel Johnson.

Remote Patrol

USA vs Germany 

ESPN Noon

Klinsmann versus kinsmen

Sure, it’s tomorrow, but the way MH has been going lately, who knows if I will even be up by then? So, you know, do NOT miss this. I’d love it if right before the match Jurgen Klinsmann comes out in a robe and when it starts, doffs the robe and is festooned in lederhosen and traditional German gear. Gotcha!

Deadvlei, Namibia