by John Walters

To Serbs, With Love

Sports’ two most impressive champions this month both hail from the world’s 99th-largest country: Serbia. They would be, of course, Nikola Jokic of the Denver Nuggets and Novak Djokovic of tennis fame.
Jokic, 28, just led the Nuggets to their first ever NBA championship in a season in which he should have won his third consecutive MVP award. He became the lowest-drafted player (42nd overall in 2014) to win Finals MVP and the first player in NBA history to lead the postseason in points (600), rebounds (269) and assists (186) while also setting the record for most triple-doubles in one postseason (10).

Meanwhile in Paris, Djokovic, 36, won a Nadal-free French Open, marking his 23rd career Grand Slam win. That’s one more now than Rafa, who was injured, and of course, the most of any man in tennis history. Only the aptly named Margaret Court, with 24, now possesses more, male or female.

Djokovic’s career Grand Slam stats are absurd. He has won 88% of his Grand Slam matches (348-47) and has made the finals in 34 of 70 of them. Just below 50%. Also, he is the only man to ever make the finals at least seven times at all four of the Grand Slams. You may prefer Roger or Rafa, but Novak’s numbers are superior.

Serbia, a landlocked country in eastern Europe that was once part of Yugoslavia, has only been an independent nation since 2006—for the first time since 1918 (it was a Serb who assassinated Franz Ferdinand, by the way; and his wife).

Sub-Optimal

Watergate, Heaven’s Gate, and now OceanGate. When will they learn?
This week the world is focused on the plight of five people, four of whom paid $250,000 apiece, who were last seen stepping into a claustrophobic immersible sub searching out the remains of the Titanic. One of them is a billionaire. Another is his son.

Titanic is buried more than two miles below the surface of the Atlantic and it was always the height of hubris to attempt to be the only billionaire and your Protestants-only country club to be able to say you’d seen the world’s deepest graveyard. Now you’re about to be part of it.

Meanwhile, the sub’s name is… Titan. Tempting fate much?

had to check in with dad on the titanic situation. one thing about chief engineers is they're gonna get right to the point lmao pic.twitter.com/w2Cegpw0h6

— me again (@quinncoherent) June 20, 2023

I’ve heard from two different experts that the above explanation for the sub’s disappearance is the most likely. No use wasting resources on searching for this sub-surface S.S. Minnow before it runs out of oxygen. They’re all most likely already dead. At least it was quick.

Adamant

Today’s thought: The first woman was taken from the rib of the first man, according to the Bible. Hence it may be said that God was the first to split the Adam.

What I Really Want To Do Is Direct

Now playing in the MH Screening Room: Easy Riders, Raging Bulls: How The Sex-Drugs-And Rock ‘n Roll Generation Saved Hollywood, a 2003 documentary film by Peter Biskind.

I happened upon this doc when I could not sleep last week. It was after midnight and I saw that the film is FREE on YouTube. I thought to myself, Uh oh, if I click I won’t sleep for another two hours. I clicked. No regrets.

It’s the story of an industry that, by the early to mid-1960s had failed to change with the times and had become obsolescent. The old studio heads were holding onto Hollywood’s Golden Age, which fit in postwar America but was out of touch with the grittier, turbulent Sixties. In stepped Warren Beatty, a pretty boy actor who wanted to SAY SOMETHING and who found a script by two Esquire staffers (these same two dreamed up the Dubious Achievement Awards, my favorite annual magazine feature back in the day). Voila: Bonnie And Clyde.

Meanwhile a dude named Roger Corman realized teens were going to drive-ins to be scared or titillated and make out, and so he became the king of low-budget B-movies. He hired hungry young film school grads such as Francis Ford Coppola and Peter Bogdonavich and gave them a little experience. Dennis Hopper, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Marty Scorcese, Robert Altman, Hal Ashby, even Jack Nicholson and Roman Polanski. All related, all swam in each other’s wake.

They went outside the system to create a fierce and independent new genre of films (The Last Picture Show, Chinatown, American Graffiti, Mean Streets, Harold and Maude) but then quite accidentally created the summer blockbuster (Jaws), thus helping to destroy the new Hollywood they created. First they eliminated the suits, then they showed the suits how to make money, then the suits said, “Thanks, we’ll take it from here.”

Fascinating stuff. And wait until you hear Richard Dreyfus’ anecdote about the climactic scene in Jaws. If you love movies, or stories about Hollywood, this film is a must. Just click “play.”

It’s Oil Or Nothing

If you’re trying to get your head around the fact that the Saudis are buying soccer and golf and may soon make their way into tennis and perhaps ownership of an MLB team, despite having no known athletes worthy of mention in those sports and despite inhabiting a vast land where grass would never grow naturally, we have your answer: oil.

You already knew that, but do you appreciate just how wealthy Saudi Arabia is? A monarchy/dictatorship, the Saudis need not worry about things such as a free market, the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, labor unions, women’s rights, etc.

Look at these numbers related to the world’s most profitable companies from 2022. This is ONE YEAR’S profits. The second, third and fourth companies on this list are, in order, Apple, Microsoft and Alphabet, with profits, respectively, of $119 Billion, $83 Billion and $79 Billion.

No. 1 on the list? Saudi Aramco, whose profits of $305 Billion are more than than the top three combined.

A reminder that one billion is equal to one thousand million. So if Saudi Aramco profited $305 BILLION in one year, then paying Ronaldo $500 million is tantamount to giving him 1/605th of one year’s profits. Surely the Saudi’s can afford to part with 1/605th of a year’s earnings. If you made $100K this year, Ronaldo would cost you the equivalent of $165.

Dollar Quiz

1. What is the most populated city in Europe?
2. What is the name of the bar where the two people meet to plan their escape in The Pina Colada Song?
3. Who played William Powell’s wife in The Thin Man series of films?
4. What Premier League club needed a win in the last game of the season to avoid being relegated for the first time since 1953-54 (clue: not FC Richmond)?
5. The first transcontinental railroad had its terminus in what town/city? (must be exact)