Starting Five

Fuchsia? Really?

1. Save the Tiger (Talk)

If you want to look at it one way, Tiger Woods shot par over his final 16 holes in the first round of the Waste Management Phoenix Open, his first event in five months. From another perspective, he finished 2-over and is tied for 104th place. From yet another perspective, he is dating Lindsey Vonn. 

It was the first round of the first tournament of the season. That’s why my hed is not “Tiger Beaten.” It was a bizarre day, a dreary day in the desert, meteorologically illogical. Woods hasn’t played here in 14 years. A strange welcome back.

Update: Tiger shot a 44 on the front nine on Friday, his worst half round in like, ever. Never mind.

2. Suge Life

Meet the star of “Fast and Furious 8”

So, two men get into an argument with rap mogul Suge Knight on the set of “Straight Outta Compton” (Rule 62: NEVER argue with Suge Knight). The pair head off to a restaurant where, 20 minutes later, according to eyewitnesses, Knight ran them down in a truck and then put that motorized buggy into reverse and finished the job.

One man died and Knight has been charged with murder. He is being held on $2 million bail at the West Hollywood jail. According to this story, the other victim “is expected to survive his injuries,” though I would have added, “especially if his story corroborates Suge’s, that it was all an unfortunate accident.”

Good luck finding a homie who will take the stand and say that it looked like a deliberate act. Suge Knight was shot SIX times last year and survived. Never bet against Suge.

3. Boogie, Down. Why?

Hey, man, you’re (not) an All-Star (but you should be)

Update: I wrote this BEFORE Yahoo’s! incomparable (and unspellable) Adrian Wojnaroski  broke the news that Boogie will replace Kobe Bryant on the West squad. But you have to suffer through it all the same.

The NBA All-Star reserve rosters were named yesterday and the most glaring omission (or “snub”) has to be DeMarcus Cousins of the Sacramento Kings. Yes, “Boogie” has missed 12 of 44 games, but he has 26 double doubles (in 32 games) and only four players have more (the most is 29, by Pau Gasol, who will start on the Eastern Conference All-Star team).

Cousins is the ONLY player in the NBA who is in the top five in scoring (5th, with 23.8 ppt) and rebounding (3rd, 12.3 per game), but, you know, he doesn’t do KIA ads or State Farm ads and there is a perception out there that he’s a thug, or how else do asinine tweets such as this from Clay Travis–the five-year mark just passed– go unpenalized?

“There is a 100% chance that DeMarcus Cousins is arrested for something in the next five years. 100%. Write it in stone.”

I get it. It’s just an All-Star Game. But it’s also a barometer of how marketable a player is, which affects that player’s income (I’d say “livelihood” but that implies that they’re having trouble getting by…they’re not). Cousins belongs in the All-Star Game. So does DeAndre Jordan of the Clippers, who leads the NBA in Rebounding and Field Goal % and is second in Blocks. Finally, so does Orlando’s Nikola Vucevic, who is second in the NBA in double-doubles with 28.

4. Go Away, Little Girl

Kenyan marathoner Rita Jeptoo, 33, has been banned from competition for the next TWO years by Athletics Kenya after both her samples came back positive for EPO doping. Jet has won the past two Boston Marathons and past two Chicago Marathons. She will not receive the $500,000 that she was scheduled to collect as the winner of last year’s “World Marathon Majors,” which is a carrot dangled in front of athletes by the world’s top eight marathons (Boston, Chicago, London, Berlin, Tokyo, New York, Olympics, IAAF Worlds).

I’m reminded of what Lance Armstrong said earlier this week: “If I had it to do over again, I still would have cheated.”

5. Winter is Not Coming (in print)

Working title: “How the Westeros was Won”

I’m midway through the fourth Game of Thrones “novel.” I can’t remember the last time I was reading a book that was not set in Westeros. And, to be honest, the surfeit of characters and lineage has taken over my entire life. I barely remember my birthday and when things go wrong I say things like, “Seven hells!”

And after all that work, I’m beginning to think there will not be a payoff: Author George R.R. Martin is apparently having greater difficulty finishing his books than I am. Uh-oh. The next book, The Winds of Winter, is not anywhere close to being completed.

At least we have the HBO season 5 trailer. 

An aside: There are a few plot changes in the show. In every instance, I think the HBO producers have improved upon Martin’s original plot line.

Starting Five

Jerian Grant led all players in points (23) and assists (12), while Duke’s Jahlil Okafor had a game-high 17 boards.

1. 1001? No, 20-2

After last night’s 77-73 defeat of No. 4 Duke in South Bend, the Fighting Irish are 20-2. The last time a Notre Dame football team won 20 of 22 games was during the 1992 and 1993 football seasons under Lou Holtz. It’s the hoops team’s best start since 1973-74, when they finished 26-3.

Notre Dame trailed by 10 in the second half. They trailed by 18 at North Carolina State on Sunday (and won)…by 12 in the second half to Miami (and won)…and by 12 at Georgia Tech (and won)–all in the past two weeks.

Coach K is going to have to wait at least until Saturday for his next palindromic win (1001) if not longer: Duke will visit No. 2 Virginia, the nation’s top scoring defense team. The Blue Devils get the Irish back  home at Cameron a week from Saturday (Feb. 7).

2. Make Him an Offer

Bruere actually out dueled Michigan-bound quarterback Zach Gentry in a state semi-final win, passing for 554 yards and 3 TDs

This is Easton Bruyere. He carries a 3,75 GPA, stands 6-3 and weighs a little more than 200 pounds, and led his team to a 13-0 record and a state championship in the largest division while throwing 49 touchdown passes.

Where’s he headed to college? He’ll tell you as soon as some school, any school, offers him a scholarship. Terrific find by Sanjay Kirpalani of Bleacher Report on how this gem has fallen through the cracks.

The popular argument is that Bruyere, who attends Rio Rancho H.S. in New Mexico, is a victim of the Land of Enchantment’s sparse population and unimpressive football reputation. I think it’s because he sounds like something you’d purchase at Murray’s Cheese Shop.

3. Ave Maria!

Sharapova channeling her inner Navratilova….

Where would Maria Sharapova be without the Williams sisters, Serena and Venus? Consider that the siblings, ages 33 and 34, respectively, have between them won 25 Grand Slam singles titles. In third place among current tennis players: Sharapova, who could gain her sixth when she plays in the women’s final at the Australian Open tomorrow.

Although Sharapova is, like, in a nine-way tie for 22nd-most Grand Slam titles (she’d move into a six-way tie for 17th spot with a win), there are only eight other women who, like her,  have won at least one Grand Slam at all four tournaments, and that list is pretty impressive: Court, Graf, Evert, Navratilova, Serena, King, Mo Connolly, and Doris Hart.

The 6-2 Russian will never catch Serena (18), but since she is only 27 she still has a good chance of passing Venus (7). And she’ll always wonder where she’d rank all-time if Richard Williams hadn’t been such a well-meaning martinet of a dad.

4. Another Local Phoenix Kid With Talent…

Remember when I told you about that dude from the band The Format who turned out to be Nate Ruess, who went on to become the lead singer of fun.? You don’t? Well, I swear I did. And remember how I always drone on and on about Roger Clyne? Oh, yes, that you remember.

Anyway, this is the band Jared & The Mill, and they’ll open for Darrius Rucker at the Bird’s Nest on Friday night. This is the concert that accompanies the Waste Management Phoenix Open. You’ll like him/them. I like to think of him/them as “Son of Mumford and Sons.”

5. Roam, If You Want To…

\In 1997 your author ran a marathon in Antarctica. I had a good time even if I did not particularly run a good time. What I do remember was meeting a coterie of humans I came to refer to as “The Been There, Done That Honor Society.”

Why? “If you think the Mount Everest Marathon is good, you should try the Kilimanjaro Marathon…” or “Yes, I’ve run two marathons in one day,” etc. Anyway, someone finally figured out how to corral these types for an even greater pay day: seven marathons on seven continents in seven days. Can you imagine the jet lag, much less the wear-and-tear on the body?

In case you were wondering: 10 runners each paid $36,000. The flight plan was Antarctica, Chile, Florida, Madrid, Marrakech, Dubai, Sydney.

Remote Patrol

Parenthood

NBC 10 p.m.

In the series finale, everyone goes shopping at Crate & Barrel and then meets up later at Trader Joe’s. Be sure to watch!

It’s the series finale of the most beloved hate-watched show of Medium Happy’s own Katie McCollow. Will Lorelia marry Everybody Loves Raymond? Will Hayden Fox finally tell the wife from “Presumed Innocent” that he knows she did it? Will Dax Shepard pull off his wig to reveal that he’s Zach Braff? Will everyone wonder how many more seasons this show might have had if they’d just had an adorable gay couple and a Latina with a spicy rack?

Starting Five

Apple attributed much of its success to the fact that its iPhones glass cases break when you drop them, obliging you to purchase a new one. “We must eliminate Otter!” boomed CEO Tim Cook

1. Apple Sauce

Apple’s quarterly earnings report, announced after the closing bell yesterday, was….fruitful.

In the last three months of 2014, the tech monolith sold 74.5 million phones…and showed profits of $18.4 billion (equivalent to $8.3 million per hour). In short, it was the GREATEST PROFIT any company has ever shown in one quarter in the history of man.

So Tim Cook is all like, I may be no Steve Jobs, but I think I can put that on my resume.

I’m so, so glad that the company took my suggestion in the late 90s to remove the “Sn-” from the beginning of its name and to stop focusing so much on refreshing iced tea-based beverages.

The stock is up nearly 8% ($8.57) to $117 this morning, which equates to $819 per share based on the 7-for-1 stock split Apple did last spring. Consider that you could’ve bought Apple for less than $400 per share just 17 months ago and for under $500 a share a year ago today.

2. Media Daze

Life was better then. That’s Brent Musburger to the far left….

Marshawn Lynch: Beast Mode.

Richard Sherman: Beats Mode.

Bill Belichick: Gnome Alone.

3. Finals Preview? (with apologies to ATL)

The game winner: Derrick Rose to the occasion….

The Chicago Bulls visited ORACLE Arena for the first and only time of the 2014-15 regular season last night, and it was a doozy. El Toros, who only eight days ago were being pilloried by their point guard, Derrick Rose, in the media after dropping their sixth game o the previous eight at Cleveland, have awakened.

Last night in overtime in Oakland, Chicago took down the NBA’s top team, the Warriors, 113-111. It was only Golden State’s second home loss of the season, and its first after 19 straight home wins.

As for Rose? He became only the second player in NBA history to miss at least 20 shots (13 of 33) and commit at least 10 turnovers (11) in a game, after Jason Kidd. He also scored a (tied with Klay Thompson) game-high 30 points, including the game-winner with 0:07 remaining in OT.

Yeah, this would be a terrific NBA Finals matchup…

4. Kids We Will Care A LOT About in the Coming Week and Then, For a Year After, Not So  Much

Defensive end Byron Cowart, the top-rated recruit per Rivals, has yet to publicly announce his favored school (UF, FSU and Auburn appear to be favorites). Here he poses with a ball from the AFC Championship Game.

Notre Dame fans, remember offensive lineman Quenton Nelson? He was the jewel of last year’s Fighting Irish recruiting class. And he’ll probably still turn out to be an NFL player. But he never saw the field last season. Neither did wide receiver Justin Brent, though he did gain a certain amount of blog-worthy notoriety. Brent will also turn out to be a stud.

All of which is to say that some of the names on this Rivals 100 recruiting list —National Signing Day is a week from today –will be renowned next season (Nick Chubb!), but others may appear to vanish for a year….

5. Guilty

Vandenburg, a 6-6, 250-lb tight end

Sadly, you could almost program an entire new ESPN channel on student-athlete related campus rape (The Wronghorn Network?). Yesterday former Vanderbilt football players Brandon Vandenburg and Cory Batey were found guilty on multiple charges of rape against a female Vanderbilt student in 2013.

The jury deliberated just three hours following a two-week trial.

The details of the incident are disturbing, but no more so than the defense that was used to try to win both former players an acquittal (“It was the football team culture”). The entire rape took place when the woman was passed out and the players, who incriminated themselves by taking video on their own cell phones (they should be put away for five years simply for being that stupid), treated her like a blow-up doll.

‘Don’t blame the culture,” said prosecutor Glenn Funk. “Don’t blame alcohol. Don’t blame the victim. Sexual violence is a crime and it will be prosecuted.’

Take the validity of the following at your own discretion, but a Buzzfeed story on the incident–very well reported, by the way–names a source who claims to be “99.9% sure” that then Vanderbilt coach James Franklin saw the camera phone footage and urged the players –both of whom had yet to play a down for Vandy due either to transferring or red-shirting–to delete the evidence.

If that proves to be true down the line, well, you do know where Franklin is now coaching: Penn State.

Turner, a freshman who swam in the 2012 Olympic Trials, has been charged with five counts of felony rape….

Oh, meanwhile in Palo Alto, a Stanford swimmer was involved in a bizarre rape of an unconscious woman last week, which was taking place outside on campus. Vanderbilt and Stanford. These are a pair of Top 20 academic schools that compete at the Division I level.

Remote Patrol

No. 4 Duke at No. 8 Notre Dame

ESPN2 7:30 p.m.

It has been 41 seasons since the Fighting Irish (19-2) had a record this good this deep into the season. That, of course, was the year that Notre Dame finished 26-3 and ended UCLA’s record 88-game win streak. That was also a year before Mike Krzyzewski got his first head coaching gig. Coach K, as you know, won his 1,000th career game on Sunday. Duke’s 6-11 frosh Jahlil Okafor averages 18.5 points and nine rebounds a game for the Blue Devils (17-2) and will be the No. 1 pick in June’s NBA draft. Notre Dame’s Jerian Grant, who missed the spring semester last year due to academic issues, has resurrected his career (16.8 points and 6 assists per game)

Starting Five

My Lamborghini is under there somewhere…

1. Edward Snowed In

More than two feet of snow in parts of New England yesterday (although some would say we’ve been getting a snow job out of New England the past week… Hey-O!). Meteorologists are apologizing for not having adequately predicted the magnitude of the storm, but are all quick to remind us that “they are not a scientist.”

Anyway…it’s a snow storm. It’s January. These things happen in the Northeast. It has a name, Juno, and much like its cinematic namesake, it seems to be a sleeper hit. And while it hit Boston worse than New York City, it could still be deadly as one teen unfortunately discovered.

2. “Check Out the (Partially Deflated) Balls On This Guy!”

Kraft services (his ego)

Robert Kraft: “I believe unconditionally that the New England Patriots have done nothing inappropriate in this process or in violation of NFL rules….”

Okay, fair enough. You’re the owner, Bob, and you have every right to state that.

Kraft: “Tom, Bill and I have been together for 15 years. They are my guys. They are part of my family…”

Which is exactly why, if any of the three of you had done something untoward, that the other two of you are the last people we’d expect to see rat him or them out. Point deducted.

The NFL has identified a locker room attendant and is interviewing him vigorously at the moment

Kraft: “If the (Ted) Wells investigation is not able to definitively determine that our organization tampered with the air pressure on the footballs, I would expect and hope that the league would apologize to our entire team and, in particular, coach [Bill] Belichick and Tom Brady for what they have had to endure this past week…”

Um, no. All that is known for certain is that 11 of the 12 footballs were under inflated a significant amount. That is grounds for an investigation. And then you apply Occam’s Razor, which is to say that the most obvious, least convoluted explanation is the most likely. That’s not a conviction. That’s a starting point. The league is obliged to investigate. Media is inclined to investigate.

Granted, some members of the media, most notably Mark Brunell, Jerome Bettis and Brian Dawkins on ESPN, flat-out stated that they believed Brady was lying. IF the league finds ANOTHER highly valid explanation for what happened, the people who called Brady a liar owe him an apology. If, however, the league fails to find anyone guilty of deflating the balls and finds no other suitable explanation, all that means is that the mystery remains unsolved. And in that case, no one is OWED an apology.

But good bluster there, Mr. Kraft…

3. Go Hens?!?

Staley, 44, would be only the second African-American coach, male or female, to lead her team to an NCAA championship, after Carolyn Peck at Purdue (1999)

For years (decades?) the top team in women’s college basketball hailed from the SEC East. This season that appears to be the case, also, except that the school is not Tennessee, but rather South Carolina (Female Gamecocks? Hmm?).

Anyway, whatever they call themselves, South Carolina is ranked No. 1 and 19-0 after last night’s 79-61 defeat of No. 12 Texas A&M. Props to former three-time All-American Dawn Staley, who believe it or not (I didn’t) is already in her seventh season as coach in Columbia.

In each of the past three seasons SoCaro has won at least 25 games and has advanced to the Sweet 16 twice. Are they ready for prime time? We’ll see one week from Monday (Feb. 9), when Staley takes her team up to Storrs to face No. 2 Connecticut. Dawn versus Geno. A couple of Philly kids. So you know he respects her. Game of the Year in women’s college hoops.

4. Enter Landman

A landman is someone who negotiates oil and gas rights. In other words, Daniel Plainview had it right all along. He DRINKS YOUR MILKSHAKE!

Landman??? That sounds like the lamest superhero ever, but it’s not. It is, according to CNN/Money, the third-best career in America (While Aquaman scoffs). Here’s the list. I didn’t bother going all the way down to see if journalist/sportswriter/steakateria server made it.

Also, I think “Taylor Swift” is at least one of the top five jobs in the country, no?

5. Shift Be Real

So try to hit it down the third base line… No, it’s not easy. Nether is hitting a 96 mph fastball.

Did I hear that correctly? New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred (man and his Earth Band) is contemplating making shifts illegal? And I don’t mean, like, graveyard shifts. I mean defensive shifts.

That’s just wrong. Any time, in or out of sport, that one seeks to penalize innovation that is done within the rules, that’s just the men in power attempting to preserve their antiquated status quo (see: Automakers versus Tesla, or white guys outlawing the dunk in college when Lew Alcindor arrived). This is nonsense.

It’s the oldest law in baseball: Hit ’em where they ain’t. Doesn’t say anything about where they’re supposed to be. It worries me when we have people who have so little wisdom in such powerful positions, and yet it happens all the time.

Remote Patrol

All The President’s Men

TCM 10 p.m.

So you’re telling us there are going to be staff cuts?

A film about a pair of muckraking journalists who persist in investigating what many first believe is a relatively minor incident. I see no crossover here at all. Move along….

Meanwhile, Robert Redford goes from teaming up with Paul Newman in a pair of early ’70s films to partnering with Dustin Hoffman.

Starting Five

Between them, 1,902 wins and seven national championships as coaches

1. Coach K: 1K

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski earns his 1,000th career win in his 40th season of Division I basketball with yesterday’s 77-68 defeat of St. John’s at Madison Square Garden. I learned to spell his name without having to back at about 900 wins.

The only other D-I coaches with at least 900 wins are Coach K’s mentor, Bob Knight, who retired with 902 victories (and three national titles as a coach; one as a player) and Syracuse’s Jim Boeheim, who has 962 and should hit the milestone, if not next season, then definitely in 2016-17. Boeheim would become the first to win 1,000 at one school, most likely, as 73 of Coach K’s wins took place at Army. In fact, Boeheim is already the only coach with more than 900 wins to have not coached at West Point.

Statham: Mama said knock you out!

Two other names to know: Harry Statham, who has 1,083 career wins, all of them at NAIA school McKendree (he’s still active) since 1966; and Danny Miles, who has 1,013 at Oregon Tech (also still active) since 1971.

 2. Galaxy Quest

Vega is the granddaughter of the 1953 Miss Atlantico (Colombia)

That’s Pauline Vega, 22, from Colombia. She was crowned Miss Universe last night although, out of the final five contestants (USA, Jamaica, Ukraine, Philippines and her) it was clear that the audience was decidedly in the corner of Miss Jamaica (as was I). The only finalist with a short ‘do, Kaci Fennell was decidedly the most poised and intelligent of the quintet–and finished fifth.

Listen, I know I prattle on ENTIRELY too much about this. But, if you’re going to stage a pageant that transcends the 9.8 meters per second squared gravitational bounds, at least do us all a favor and put competent judges on the panel (DeSean Jackson? Giancarlo Stanton? Manny Pacquiao? Lisa VanderPump?). These young ladies have worked (and starved) too hard for such caprice.

I normally don’t like Fennell (more of a kale guy myself), but this one suited the palate

Second, Donald Trump, what a shoddy and unprofessional broadcast. It’s basically an infomercial for the host city, for Trump, for a few associated products. Also, the ratio of air time to ad time was abominable. I may just boycott –and girlcott– the entire production next year.

“Do-do, do-do-do-do-do, oh I Miss U(kraine)”

Vega was a safe choice. Beautiful, sure, but all these leggy South American babes tend to become indistinguishable from one another after awhile. Of the last seven winners, four have hailed from South America. Fennell, or even Miss Ukraine, who fearlessly answered her question by noting that her country needs to rebuild its army (take that, Putin), would have been better choices.

3. The Mouth That Roars

Chummy, Goodell and Kraft

The Seattle Seahawks had barely deplaned yesterday when cornerback Richard Sherman was asked whether he believed the New England Patriots would be punished for Ballghazi before Super Bowl XLIX.

“Will they be punished?,” Sherman repeated the question. “Probably not. Not as long Robert Kraft and Roger Goodell are still taking pictures at their respective homes. (Goodell) was just at Kraft’s house last week before the AFC Championship. Talk about conflict of interest. As long as that happens, it won’t affect them at all.”

As one national newspaper put in its headline today, “The Problem With Richard Sherman Is That He’s Always Right.” Sherman may already be the best cornerback in pro football, but he’s also as smart and candid as any professional athlete currently working. Watch and see: he will eventually join the elite group of Muhammad Ali and Charles Barkley as game-changers in terms of candor amongst African-American athletes. I put Ali in a league by himself, but Sherman may eclipse Barkley.

By the way, the New England Patriots also flew to Phoenix yesterday. No word on whether or not their plane’s cabin was adequately pressurized.

4. SAG-acity

Eddie Redmayne won Best Actor (as he did at the Golden Globes) and I desperately wanted him to open his acceptance speech with “I am not a scientist…”

Awards, awards, awards. You only really need to tune into the first two minutes of the Screen Actors Guild awards, because that’s the best part: when a few selected actors put down their forks just long enough to provide a (hopefully) amusing confessional. Last night’s best was from Robert Duvall, although I liked Zack Galifianakis’ short and to-the-point rendition.

If anyone involved with the production of this telecast is reading this, here is my sincerest wish: Next year, cut to a waiter or waitress who is clearing a table and let them do an up-close-and-personal confessional: it may be JUST the career break they need.

5. Tragedy in Phoenix

This is from last week, but in case you missed it…Erica Morales, 36, gave birth to quadruplets last week in Phoenix but died in childbirth. The babies were born nearly two months prematurely but all seem to be doing well. If you want to donate to the family, a cousin, Nicole Todman, has set up this site.

Remote Patrol

Sons of Liberty

History 9 p.m.

“I seem to have misplaced my Kevlar vest…”

In this episode Jax must decide between fatherhood and a biker gang—oh, wait, that’s Sons of Anarchy. Anyway…this is Part 2 of a 3-part History Channel special about how a group of “savages” rebelled against an authoritative state that was occupying its land with a more traditional military force. Hmmmm…..