STARTING FIVE

You know him from here…

1. We Are Won Over

Wondering how much of a heads up various NBA people got regarding Adam Silver’s decision, seeing as how the Clippers’ home page changed as swiftly as it did and that there was even a “We Are One” montage on TNT by night’s end.

Silver hit Donald Sterling in the wallet ($2.5 million, although he bought the Clips for $12.5 million and they should sell for near $1 billion, so he’ll be both fined and fine), while the Bunny Ranch struck him below the belt. Truly, that was a Suspension of Disbelief.

…but you may also know him from here.

2. Who’s That Girl?

A female reporter stood up yesterday at the Adam Silver presser and asked the question that has been most replayed on ESPN –and I suppose it’s a coincidence that she was the first reporter who was shown on camera asking a question, even though others had come before her. The question was, and I paraphrase, “You are outraged by what Mr. Sterling, said but what about everyone who has been outraged by him being a racist slumlord for years? How come the NBA is only acting now?”

That reporter is Lisa Guerrero, a 50 year-old woman of many talents: former Los Angeles Ram cheerleader; actress on the daytime soap “Sunset Beach”; local LA weekend sports reporter; sideline reporter on “Monday Night Football”; co-host on Fox’s “Sports Geniuses” and contributor on “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”; cover model for “Playboy”; “Reporter”, with lines, in “Moneyball“; and now this. Guerrero, who turned 50 earlier this month and is married to former Major League pitcher Scott Erickson, is resilient.

3. He’s Everywhere

Feldman: Prepping for the ‘Joanie loves Chachi’ remake?

The latest in a long line of actors to cross over from one HBO or AMC program to another HBO or AMC show? Well, there are two, actually. First, there’s Ben Feldman, whom you first met two years ago as Ginsberg on “Mad Men” and who made his debut on Sunday on “Silicon Valley” as Lawyer Ron…a character that actually reminded me a lot of Bob Loblaw from “Arrested Development.”

Lawyer Ron, after Richard asks why the company will be incorporated in Delaware: “Rich, Rich. Lawyer (2 thumbs pointed to self), not lawyer (2 thumbs pointed at Richard). I got you.”

Then there’s Kevin Dunn, who went from the hostile-toward-Rust (How dare he!?!) police chief in “True Detective” to the cynically hilarious advisor, Ben Caffrey, in “Veep.”

Dunn on True Detective: Rust-proof

Caffrey: “We all know that the White House would work much better if there wasn’t a president, but there is, so we work around it.”

While Veep is truly hitting its stride, Silicon Valley, now four episodes in, is beginning to show promise. To use Lawyer Ron’s metaphor, it’s that baby sea turtle that just may reach the surf. And HBO has already renewed it for a second season. It’s “How To Make It In America” with better weather and 50% less depressing failure.

4. Chicago Cubs and Cubans

If the principal from Ferris Bueller had a son who doubled as a Major League pitcher and porn star…

Cubbies’ opening day starter Jeff Samardzija is now 0-3 after last night’s defeat in Cincinnati. This despite a 1.98 ERA and having gone at least seven innings in five of his six starts. He has allowed 2 home runs in 41 innings. He handed the Cubs a 5-2 lead in the top of the ninth last week on Wrigley’s 100th birthday and they still blew it. Samardzija grew up in northwest Indiana, a Cubs fan, but he must be screaming, “TRADE ME!” inside.

Meanwhile on the South Side, 27 year-old White Sox rookie Jose Abreu leads the big leagues in both home runs (10) and RBI (32), which are both rookie records for the month of April. Is the Cuban defector not a bigger deal because we all have Puig Fatigue?

5. Show Claws Penalty*

Hey, Jameis. These guys have a bone –oh, I’m sorry, a shell–to pick with you.

“So Jameis Winston walks out of a Publix and… What else is left to say? Honestly, if the Heisman Trophy winner and an Alaskan King Crab legs heist gone wrong cannot save Twitter’s stock price, I don’t know what can.

Hed courtesy of MH’s patron saint of punnery, Greg Auman

Reserves

Pal Joey

We must ask, was this absolutely necessary, Mr. Crawford? There’s a time and a place… “Listen to me! Listen to me! Put five up there!”

****

Hall of Famer Yogi Berra’s home is For Sale and yes, it’s on the market for $888,000. Why they stopped at three eights, I don’t know. But remember, it’s Yogi we are dealing with here.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

George Sisler

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B

2006

This is a fallow period in baseball history, and I’d rather not bestow an induction to a player I don’t truly believe in. Hence, it’s Dubious Honors Day, men who will enter the Hall for being all-time leaders in something no one particularly strives to be known for. And this is a good time to note that baseball’s career Loss leader (Cy Young, 316) is also its career Wins leader (511), its  career Outs leader (Pete Rose, 10,328) is also its career Hits leader (4,256), that its all-time Caught Stealing leader (Rickey Henderson, 335) is also is Stolen Bases leader (1,406), and that its careers Bases on Balls leader (Nolan Ryan, 2,795) is also its career strikeouts leader (5,714).

“Ying and yang.”

“I believe it’s ‘yin and yang.'”

“No, ‘ying and yang.’ They’re opposite.”

Hughie Jennings, SS; 1891-1903, ’07, ’09-10, ’12, ’18, Orioles, etc.

Jennings: “Ouch!”

“Ee-yah!”, who is actually enshrined in Cooperstown, had a lifetime batting average of .312 and batted .401 in 1896, but that is not why he is noteworthy. Nope. Jennings holds the all-time record for being Hit by Pitch (287) as well as the Single-Season record (51). Craig Biggio retired two shy of Jennings’ career mark. Taking one for the team should be known as a “Hughie.”

Herman Long, SS; 1889-1904, Beaneaters

Long ranks 30th all-time in stolen bases (537), but he makes our Hall because he is the game’s all-time leader in Errors Committed, with 1,090. Long’s shortcoming? Exceptional range, which allowed him to get to more balls than most shortstops and, hence, commit more errors. In 1903 future Hall of Fame pitcher Kid Nichols said, “Herman Long is the greatest shortstop of them all.”

Remote Patrol

Texas Two-Step

Mavs at Spurs, Blazers at Rockets

TNT 7 & 9:30 p.m.

Monta Ellis has been the best player in the Mavs-Spurs series thus far.

One state, four teams. Three of them from Texas. It’s a twin-bill of Game 5’s from the Lone Star State. My only prediction is that the underdogs will at least cover, if not win.

STARTING FIVE

So I was speaking to Medium Happy’s head of HR yesterday, who told me that we will be accepting summer interns this year. Duties may include stocking the kitchen with kitty food and Snyder’s hard pretzels, recapping recaps of Sunday night TV shows, passively aggressively engaging the CEO’s former places of employ, posing as various commenters, “bank jobs”, and volunteering one’s self for myriad clinical trials. Send all resumes to the Comments section below.

MJ and LBJ hug it out after sweep.

1. Heat Vs. Dead Heat

Watching the second half of Heat-Cats last night (because that’s what it said on their jerseys, “CATS”). Thinking to myself, there must be at least three dozen guys in the NBA with a more aesthetically pleasing jumper than LeBron James. But, you know what? The man makes ’em. More than that, he truly has that Jordan aspect of, “Everyone, jump onto my shoulders, because I’m going to carry us home.”

Miami sweeps the Kitties, while five of the other seven series have been knotted at two apiece. In the other two series (Houston-Portland and Chicago-Washington), it is the higher-seeded team that trails. Credit Miami and Erik Spoelstra. They took care of business. No malaise.

Oh, and Chris Bosh is now the second-best player on the Heat. There’s very little debate on this one.

2. Beltway Bros

Jonah Ryan and Dan Egan: HBO’s best odd couple since Rust and Marty.

“Do they have toilets here or do they put their turds in the Cloud?”

Presidential hopeful Selina Meyer and her staff visit a Facebook-ish tech leviathan named Clovis and in 30 minutes to a better job of skewering the tech industry than “Silicon Valley” has in four episodes. “Veep” nailed the faux-zen aspect of that world, the pretentiousness (“It’s ‘CRAYG’, not ‘Craig’) and the utter b.s. of hoodie-wearing billionaires.

Meanwhile, Dan Egan versus Jonah Ryan, the founder and editor-in-chief of Ryantology, is now the most intense (and funniest) rivalry on Sunday nights in a post-Joffrey universe. If you haven’t yet watched “Veep”, you should.  It merits the Larry David seal of approval for nastiness and hilarity.

3. CNBC’s Top 25

Martha (24) is, as far as I know, the only ex-con on the list (and the only Match member).

The cable business network celebrates its 25th anniversary by naming the 25 people “who have had the most profound impact on business and finance since 1989.” Because a 25 Most Beautiful Finance People may not have been a pretty sight. No sports figures are on the list and the sole person exclusively from entertainment is, you guessed it, Oprah (at No. 7).

No. 1? Steve Jobs. Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg came in at No. 8, but no one else on the list has had a truly fantastic movie made about them.

4. GQ’s Top 15

GQ put a list of the “15 Funniest Comedians in America” (active, not retired or semi-retired) and no argument with their cover choice: Louis C.K.

However, in the egregious omission category, there’s a huge void by John Mulaney not being on the list. You’ll know him soon if you don’t already. And I promise you’ll love him.

5. Trump Vs. Sterling

This man is headed for a huge pay day. The question is whether a rival network will lure him away before ESPN puts a ring on it.

Who’s the more boorish Donald?

Anyway, you MUST listen to Bomani Jones’ freestyle riff on the Sterling situation yesterday and then read Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s piece in Time. You can write “Pin the fried chicken on the Sambo” if you’re the NBA’s all-time scoring leader. Also, if you like, read my column exhorting fans to not show up tonight for Game 5 (Mark Jackson steals all my ideas).

What I still don’t understand, though, as a lifetime white dude: If I’m upset with what Sterling said, I’m wrong because I wasn’t upset earlier. If I’m not upset by what Sterling said, I’m wrong because those comments are offensive. Chico, please.

Reserves

An apt heading, that, for Roy Hibbert’s Game 5. The Pacers’ 7-2 center goes 12 minutes in Game 5 with zero points and zero rebounds, begging the eternal question, Why doesn’t the NBA have a Least Improved Player award?

***

Emma Stone, Xavier Prep dropout and the most charming young actress in Hollywood, engages Jimmy Fallon in a lip-synch skirmish. If you were in your teens or in your 20s in the Nineties, you probably tried to memorize the rap part of “The Hook”, too.

All she does is win…

One of my favorite parts about watching these Jimmy Fallon “Things We Did In Our Basement When We Were 13” gambits is trying to imagine Letterman every trying them and thinking, Yeah, no.

***

It’s crowded in the comedy world after midnight, but in late April and May there’s no surer bet than TNT’s “Inside the NBA” crew. After they showed a highlight of Kemba Walker intentionally throwing a ball off the backboard to pass it to himself, Ernie Johnson quipped, “You should’ve done that, Shaq, it would’ve helped your career. It’s not just for free throws.”

Hilarious line, and it almost got talked over, but Kenny the Jet caught it and repeated it for Shaq, who used his standard comeback, “In what Finals?”

****
Craig Ferguson will depart “The Late Late Show” at the end of the year. The Great Scot began there in 2005 and was at his peak right before the 2008 election. “It’s a great day for America” is his signature line. His show has lost the buzz it once had, but he’s always been, after Dave, the smartest man on late night. He’s come a long way since the Drew Carey Show. l

****

According to Forbes, ESPN has surpassed $50 billion in value and is now the world’s most influential media brand. And it’s located off I-84 in Bristol, Conn. And at least when I used to visit, only one restaurant –the beloved White Birch — to be found. And I don’t think that even exists any more.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Kid Nichols

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P

2005

Wade Boggs, 3B; 1982-1999, Red Sox, Yankees

The American League’s supreme contact hitter for the last fifth of the 20th century, Boggs won five batting titles and hit above .350 in each of those seasons. Retired with 3,010 hits and a .328 batting average. Among players who entered the big leagues after 1970, only Tony Gwynn (.338) has a higher career average. Introduced the term “palimony” to sports. As a minor leaguer, participated in the longest game (33 innings) in professional baseball history–Cal Ripken, Jr., played on the other team.

Ryne Sandberg, 2B; 1981-1997, Cubs

Sandberg and Jordan, the best Chicago players of their era in their respective sports, both wore 23.

A 10-time All-Star and nine-time Gold Glove winner, Sandberg owns the highest career fielding percenetage (.989) among second basemen in Major League history. Sandberg was named National League MVP in 1984 when he hit .314, led the Cubs to their first postseason appearance since 1945, and famously slugged two home runs off Bruce Sutter, the premier closer of that season, in a nationally televised game on NBC.

Remote Patrol

Champions League Semis

Bayern Munich vs Real Madrid

NBC Sports 2:30 p.m.

Ronaldo. Stiff upper lip and a stiff upper mane.

The Spaniards have won the most CL championships, nine, but none since 2002. The German club is the defending champs and have won five. This is the second leg of their semi-final, and will take place in Munich. Real won at home, 1-0, so a tie advances them. They’ll have both Ronaldo and Bale on the pitch, so you can watch two of the world’s top five players. No team has ever won back-to-back Champions League titles, so the pressure is on Bayern.

STARTING FIVE

(Thanks to Greg Auman for inspiring this week’s word chain)

V. Stiviano (the “V.” is for “vindictive?”). Sterling, 81, never learned the basic rule: Do NOT mess with a sister.

1. Sterling. Silver

As Kenny the Jet said, “I think Donald Sterling has taken the concept of ‘ownership’ a little too far.” I know that it won’t happen, but the most beautiful thing in sport this year would be to see no one show up at Staples Center for Game 5 tomorrow night.

2. Ugly Betty

Moos to blame? Betty Draper, the first human in history to go hungry on a farm.

(the judges will also accept “Udder Cruelty”)

Bobby Draper is having a sublime afternoon with his mom on a dairy farm, even going so far as to guard her spot. Except that he forgetfully trades a second sandwich in his lunch bag –his mom’s –for gum drops because, let’s face it, kids don’t realize that their parents actually eat and go to the bathroom, do they?

And here’s Betty, famished (I thought smoking curbed your appetite), making him feel absolutely horrible about it. Only one week after Don bought Sally a patty melt when she claimed not to be hungry, Betty has a cow, so to speak, over Bobby’s innocent mistake. Cut to that night when Hank asks Bobby what’s happened, and he sagely replies, “I wish it was yesterday.”

That’s the universal reply for “What happened?”, or at least it should be.

Don looks like Milton at the moment, but I do believe he’ll soon return to rock-star status.

Meanwhile, here’s Don reconciling with both Megan and Roger –and I think we all know which relationship matters more to him –as his personal recovery quest continues. Hey, he’s been loyal to his wife AND he’s not even drinking that much. He’s very close to locking up Husband of the Year, 1969, if not a Clio.

Anyway, after Roger stands up for him in front of the other partners –it’s what you like about Roger; he’s no angel (and he’s no Roger Angell), but he’s not a weenie. He’s not Pete– Don is offered an invitation to return, but only after acceding to become the Milton of the firm of which he is a partner. How long until Don is in the basement without a stapler?

3. Of Road Teams and Traveling

Through the first round of the NBA playoffs thus far, visiting teams are 18-12. And the lower-seeded teams are 16-14. In other words, no one is a favorite. No one, that is, except the Miami Heat, who have the only 3-0 series lead of all eight series.

Meanwhile, if there were ever a single undeniable example of just how little the NBA cares about enforcing its rules, here’s Houston’s Jeremy Lin taking four or five uninterrupted steps toward the bucket as three referees choose not to blow…their whistles. Even if he did take one dribble, as this writer attests, and he is probably correct, Lin still traveled before the dribble and after.

And as much as I love what Monta Ellis has done for Dallas thus far in the playoffs, his final lay-up on Saturday was precipitated by a blatant palm. If this make me an old man, I’m proud to be one.

As I said on Twitter, when the slo-mo music montages from “White Men Can’t Jump” are no more egregious than what is transpiring in NBA games without being called, you’ve lost me.

4. Oliver!

Manhattan skyline, gelled hair line.

John Oliver’s “Last Week Tonight” made its debut on HBO last night, and it was predictably smart, funny and just a little bit angry. In short, triumphant. The Daily Show alum touched on the Racist of the Week race (Sterling versus Cliven Bundy…Bert Cooper feels a little left out, but that’s what happens when you force people to take off their shoes upon entering your office) as well as the general election in India, the largest democratic election of all time, which is being roundly ignored in American media –while video of a leopard on the loose in India is getting plenty of play.

My favorite line? When Oliver said, “Now we have to deal with Gandhi…which isn’t the first time you’ve heard someone with a British accent say that.”

After only one show, I’d say that the MVP of the project is LWT’s Research Dept. The video they were able to find was fantastic. Maybe Maggie and Jim went to work for them?

5. Chaos Is a Ladder; Had You Forgotten?

Littlefinger: The Devil You Don’t Know.

Turns out Lord Petyr Baelish, alias Littlefinger, alias the most enchanting elocutor this side of Christophers Walken or Waltz, was the mastermind behind King Joffrey’s demise. With a little help from Lady Olenna. While her granddaughter, Margaery, is schooling Prince Tommen on the arts of the teen sex comedy.

Still, as Deadspin attests and I agree, Baelish is running circles around the competition. “So many men are afraid to risk everything,” he tells Sansa, “and then they die.”

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Mickey Welch

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery)

2004

Paul Molitor, INF; 1978-1998, Brewers

Though Molitor never led the league in batting average, he did lead it three times in hits and retired with 3,319, which puts him in the top 10 all-time (No. 10…or, if you don’t believe in Cap Anson, No. 9). One of only four players in MLB history with at least 3,000 hits, a .300 batting average (.306) and 500 stolen bases (504), “Molly” was also the World Series MVP in 1993.

Dennis Eckersley, P; 1975-1998, Red Sox, Athletics

Eckersley: The MOST Keith Stone-looking dude of all time in MLB.

The Eck is the first of only two players (John Smoltz is the other) to achieve both a 20-win season as a starter and a 50-save season as a reliever. As talented a starter as Eckersley was with Boston, he became the surest closer this side of sunsets as a reliever in Oakland. At his peak, in 1992, he won both the Cy Young Award and he American League MVP–as a closer–while recording 51 saves. Finished with 390, which at the time was second only to the Cubs’ Lee Smith (now it is sixth).

Remote Patrol

Spurs at Mavericks

TNT 9:30 p.m.

To satisfy the requests of my most loyal reader not to have given birth to me, it’s Heat versus Dead Heat. Which is to say, I like your LeBronsters in the East while out west I don’t think any single team has played itself out of looking like any less viable a candidate than any other–although Houston looks the most vulnerable. So, given that, I’m not going to abandon the Spurs. 2013 Redux. Let’s see if I’m wrong.

STARTING FIVE

1. Exploitation

Today’s Northwestern football team union vote –76 players are allowed to cast ballots, though none of them are required to–could be the most uplifting/vulgar (you decide) display of student unity on Chicago’s North Shore since the final scene of “The Breakfast Club” (last seen, by the way, in the movie “Pitch Perfect“).

ANYWAAAAAAAY….the whole movement got me to thinking about students (or student-athletes, or student-employees…again, you decide) being exploited. And that got me to thinking about Match.com.

Now, it’s not exactly a one-to-one comparison, but think about this: Match.com makes an exorbitant profit on its business model, a business that would not exist without the use of human inventory, inventory which consensually agrees to take part in the endeavor for not cash payment. In fact, Match subjects actually pay to play.

John Bender, future CAPA member

Now, you can argue that every Match “client” is actually getting something beneficial from it, that they want to be on the site. You can argue the same for college football players. They want to be there, too. You can argue that a Match client can quit any time. So can college football players.

What I’d argue is that Match cannot exist without its members any more than FBS programs can without their players. So go ahead, Martha Stewart, lead the effort to unionize!

(p.s. Of course I wouldn’t use Tinder as my example. Those people are just desperate and besides, I hear it’s free.)

2. You Mean Dick Bavetta, right, Shaq?

As you know, Phyllis reads this site so I’m not about to repeat what Shaq said to Chuck last night at 1:58 a.m. on “Inside the NBA.” Suffice it to say that it was both a shrewd and crude means of poking at his in-studio frenemy while not exactly being inaccurate. It was a nice comeback to the earlier dig when Charles read that a team had shot “six for 31” and asked, “Is that Shaq’s free throw line?”

The entire segment is hilarious. Charles left himself wide open for Shaq’s jab and you can’t really blame Shaq for crushing that lob over the net. Then you have Ernie quipping, “Waiter, check” as Kenny the Jet attempts to keep it together.

On the other hand, Shaq being Shaq, he is entirely too proud of the joke and himself. You can see how much it eats him up that everyone doesn’t think he’s the best part of the show. I imagine Kobe Bryant tunes in to the program and tells whatever hotel room service maid who’s watching with him, “See what I had to put up with?”

By the way, I love how Reggie Miller, Barkley and The Jet pointed out how players were getting away with double dribbles, traveling and offensive fouls during the Clippers-Warriors game. Keep fighting the good fight, gents.

3. Al Bundy > Cliven Bundy

Doesn’t listen to a lot of Jay-Z

It’s not that the Nevada rancher’s views on race –I wonder when he last spoke to an African-American –are a little extreme, it’s that he himself is a government mooch. It’s the classic case of the pot calling the kettle white. I will say that I’ve never heard of anyone named Cliven before, so points for that.

4. John Tucker Must Die (Adult Version)

Boy, oh buoyancy

So if you can only see one vapid Revenge RomCom this weekend, you should still not see “The Other Woman”, starring Kingslayer (Chickslayer, if you ask me, right, ladies? Nudge, nudge), Cameron Diaz, The Chick in the Judd Apatow Movies Who’s Married to Judd Apatow, and Arash Markazi’s pal. I love how much this female reviewer loathes it, and that she correctly points out that in a film marketed toward women that they were tone-deaf enough to give it this title.

No animals were harmed during the making of this movie, but about 20 cases of Sancerre lost their lives.

5. The Other Man

Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps got all toptional pool last night in Mesa, Arizona, for a 100-meter butterfly duel. Some smart marketer at USA Swimming has realized that one way to maintain interest in the sport for the next two years is to create a “Dan Vs. Dave” dynamic in five feet of water. Smart.

Lochte beat Phelps by 0.2 seconds, 51.93 seconds to 52.13. As an avid swimmer, I think I might be able to swim 50 meters in that time. Maybe. And not butterfly. That’s too difficult.

Reserves

Here’s a smart piece by Brett Smiley on SI.com on the loathed “Narrative” that is consuming sports and Twitter. Please make it go away.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

Phil Niekro

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C

2003

Eddie Murray, 1B; 1977-1997, Orioles

The all-time leader in sacrifice flies with 128 (“Oooooooh!”), Murray also finished with 3,255 career hits (13th) and 504 home runs (25th). The 1977 Rookie of the Year, Murray was an eight-time All-Star and terrific in “48 Hours” and “Beverly Hills Cop”, which are basically the same movie.

Tommy John (Surgery), P; 1963-89, Dodgers, Yankees, Etc.

Between the baselines, John probably belongs in the Hall of Very Good: 288 wins and four All-Star appearances for the two-time 20-game winner. However, few former pitchers have a greater legacy in baseball simply because of the revolutionary surgery –transplanting a ligament from one arm into the other arm– for which he was the guinea pig in 1974. John won 124 games before he met Dr. Frank Jobe’s scalpel, and 164 games after. The procedure is not to be confused with Tommy James Surgery (transplanted vocal chords) or Tommy Tune surgery (transplanted knee ligaments).

Remote Patrol

Rockets at Blazers, Game 3

10:30 p.m. ESPN2

Harden making the international sign for “weirdo”.

LaMarcus Aldridge –46 and 43 points–has been, along with Atlanta’s Marcus Teague, the breakout star of the first six days of the NBA playoffs. Portland is a difficult place for road teams to win, but Houston does not want to fall behind 3-0. James Harden, please report to the emergency room.

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

 by Chris Corbellini

*** (out of four)

I’m of the opinion that there are compelling stories out there seated silently in hotel lobbies and bar rooms across the U.S., and well beyond our borders. It’s not just the business travel that pushes me to write this. In my 20s I worked in hotels in a variety of roles, and witnessed what takes place when men and women are forced out of their comfort zones but very much free. Once as a lifeguard on a Friday night I watched a 50-ish man dressed in a tuxedo and armed with a martini slowly but confidently step into the pool up to his neck, raising the glass high. It can be absurd, it can be abrasive, it can be whackadoodle, and as such a hotel is a fitting setting for Wes Anderson, Hollywood’s Master Jedi of whimsy.

Anderson has now directed eight full-length motion pictures over his 20-year career, and here at lucky eight with “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” he found the right star for all that eccentricity. Ralph Fiennes projects an air of aristocracy in whatever role he plays, and though his concierge character in a film about a majestic hotel in 1930s Europe is a dandy, he can butch up when necessary and, in the character’s words, not “act like a candy-ass.” So yes, absolutely, “Budapest” is right in line with the rest of Anderson’s latest works — sets and artwork that bring to mind the Rose Reading Room in the N.Y. Public Library and a cover of a Beatles album, with plenty of quirky dialogue — but Fiennes is a standout until the final, fateful moments on a train trip through unstable countryside.

The story shifts quickly from present day to 1985 to 1968 to 1932, where it stays put. The storyteller in 1985 is played by Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton), and at that point in the narrative he is a writer of world renown. He quickly explains to the audience the benefits of being a famous writer: instead of making up tales from scratch, he’s approached by others who tell him classics of their own.  In 1968 Wilkinson’s character is portrayed by Jude Law (I definitely see the resemblance), and while convalescing at the Grand Budapest, a fellow guest recognizes him and over dinner unburdens, gift-wrapping him a story that would define his career.

So the movie clock flips back to 1932, and a war looms on the outskirts of Anderson’s make-believe European Republic of Zubrowka. A lobby boy (newcomer Tony Revolori, who keeps up) is being broken in by Fiennes’ character, M. Gustave, who is known for delivering a certain kind of room service to his older clientele. One of those ladies, an ultra-wealthy 80-something, dies under mysterious circumstances, setting in motion Gustave’s imprisonment and the theft of a painting. Murder, laughter and droll line readings ensue. The lobby boy also falls in love with local baker girl, Agatha (Saoirse Ronan, destined for stardom with an Irish brogue) (Ed Note: She was captivating in Atonement). Oh, Adrien Brody looks like a vampire.  And Willem Dafoe has the underbite of a bulldog. Yep, all very Wes Anderson-y.  I won’t reveal anything more.

At different points Anderson’s camera deserves billing alongside the movie stars. Example: A prison guard cuts up foodstuffs one by one on a conveyer belt, looking for contraband, when finally a tastefully wrapped pastry rolls his way. The camera looks down at the treat, regards it, then looks up at the guard as if to say “C’mon, that is a thing of beauty, leave it be.” Later, during a daring re-entry into the hotel by the two chief characters, the camera is kneeling with them, and stealing glances, left and right, at some former co-workers, the movements suggesting “I know. I know. It’s crazy. We had to come back. I’ll explain later.”  Every cinematographer from Sherman Oaks to Long Beach will tell you he or she makes the lens a presence (and in many cases, an unfeeling one), but in those moments the camera chief in charge here, Robert Yeoman, nailed the whimsicality Anderson is forever trying to express. Yeoman shines elsewhere, too. A museum hunt between two very well-known actors (the “armor room” scene in particular) was brilliantly lit and lensed, and the Winter Olympics chase and its conclusion was fun to watch, using stop-motion animation that brings to mind an Indiana Jones set piece.

Dr. Jones and Sir Steven Spielberg fought Nazis in three of those four films, and not long ago, Tarantino took on Zee Germans himself, grinding Hitler himself into hamburger helper with gunfire. Anderson had a chance to take those villains for a whirl in “Budapest, he just chose not to. When the fictional enemy forces finally take over the fictional country, he drapes a fictional flag with a “ZZ” all over the hotel lobby.  It is implied of course, especially with the death squad threatening a party of three near the finish, when Gustave stares them down eyeball to eyeball one more time (Fiennes’ flinty, finest moment). But no, this is Anderson’s world in every corner of the frame, and real-life menace has no place in it.

Get used to it. While we are at the “you either get him or you don’t” part of his career, Anderson will continue to get work. The box office returns are respectable considering his budgets, and getting better. “Moonrise Kingdom” made over $45 million at the box office — not including DVD and VOD sales – many times more than the cost to put together. “Budapest” is currently over $40 million and still going. Anderson can and will shoot on the cheap (the stop-motion work mentioned earlier, for example), and by all accounts he’s obsessive with details. A perfectionist would suggest the artist being problematic for others. But any editor in a bay or line producer on set will tell you a detail-oriented director is cost-effective, and produces work quickly and with purpose.

He also draws out sublime performances from the big hitters, like Bruce Willis in “Kingdom,” Gene Hackman in “The Royal Tenenbaums,” and Bill Murray on several occasions. In the DVD commentary of  “The Life Aquatic,” Anderson admitted Murray was in a foul mood for the key scene of the entire film, the reveal of the jaguar shark. The director still managed to get one of the finest line readings of the funnyman’s career.

In other words, a director with vision isn’t going to make you scramble -– asking for, say, 50 boxes of cobras one day, then 50 cases of sunflowers the next for the reshoot. American Express used Anderson for this commercial and that’s not an accident. He’s in control. The dozens of rifles resting on lean-tos during the key reading of a last will and testament in the first act of “Budapest?” Minor set design, but also not an accident. Someone who works for the studio that released the movie told me Anderson personally wrote the stories that adorn the front page of the paper featured in this film, one involving the onset of war, and the other about the death of the woman which drives the plot of the picture. Newspaper stories that are shown in quick cutaways for only 60 frames or so, or about two seconds of a 100-minute feature.

It’s not quite Oscar material, but this is a story rich in detail, and one dipped in loneliness. The writer works up the courage to ask his subject if he gave up riches for some property that holds sentimental value. The subject‘s response I won’t serve up, but for those who like Anderson, it should be no surprise. He has been laying out his summation all along, movie by movie. In the final frames of “Kingdom” the bespectacled lead paints while his girl poses, yet instead of a portrait, the artwork is revealed to be the lagoon and rocky shores where the two lost souls blossomed into a young couple. I remember the murmurs and hushes in the audience when it happened – this director was on to something, more than all those lyrical transitions and extreme close-ups from his repertoire could express. Take away the quirk and sinister intentions and wedding-cake colors and art, and this is what Anderson’s expressing once again in “The Grand Budapest Hotel.” For those lucky enough to have such grand experiences, this is where their art comes from, the longing to be in the same spot of carpet where bliss was found, and lost. It can happen in a lobby, while the rest of us sit silently and stare ahead.