Starting Five

1. 2097 A.D. is not a year –yet– but is instead Adrian Peterson’s single-season rushing total, the second-best in NFL history. The Vikings’ running back (A.D. stands for “All Day”, as in how long he is able to run) finished nine yards behind Eric Dickerson, gaining 199 yards in Minnesota’s 37-34 defeat of Green Bay. The win puts the Vikes into the playoffs (after winning just three games last season), where they will meet…Green Bay.

Should get MVP and should’ve won the Heisman as a frosh in 2004 when he rushed for 1,925 yards (we voted for him; Matt Leinart won).

2. Fiscal Cliffhanger! Remember that group project you had all semester to do in high school/college/grad school/kindergarten, and you and your partners put it off (Oh, sure, you’d meet, but it would devolve into playing Atari or watching a “Cheers” marathon) until the last day? Well, that’s Congress, except that the project has a lot more riding on it than 25% of your semester grade. In a different era, we’d advise them to stock up on Jolt Cola. Now it’s probably Five-Hour Energy Drink and prescription drugs supplied at no cost by the very pharmaceutical companies that have helped pay for many of their elections. Go, America!

Want a real Jolt? Wait until you do your taxes next year…

3. The Denver Broncos have won 11 consecutive games and finished tied with Atlanta for the best record in the NFL (13-3). But let’s talk more about who the New York Jets should start at quarterback, why don’t we?

4. Romo! Oh No! Oh yes he did. Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo tosses three picks, including a costly one late when Washington Redskin linebacker Rob Jackson faked a blitz and dropped into screen coverage. Dallas loses and Washington wins the NFC East. As ESPN’s Trent Dilfer said afterward, “Being a defensive coordinator in the NFL is all about making the quarterback ‘play football’ (i.e., think and react) after the snap.” Amen. Oh, and Mike Shanahan once again rides a rookie 6th-round running back (Alfred Morris…who’s stuck with such a 1970s NFL name) to the playoffs while RG3 finishes the season with the highest rookie passer rating (102.4) in league history. Oh, and the Skins have won seven in a row (they haven’t lost since right before the presidential election).

Maybe it’s “The I’s of Texas” as in ‘Interceptions’.

5. The Los Angeles Clappers win their 17th straight and finish the month of December undefeated. Like you, we are just wondering how Donald Sterling will find a way to mess this all up.

Reserves

We like Richard Deitsch. Richard Deitsch knows that we like Richard Deitsch. But we found it more than a little amusing that last week RD solicited, via Twitter, nominations for the best media feuds of the year (for his year-end SI.com media awards) only to find himself embroiled in one over the weekend.

Deitsch: “I before E, except after D, when it applies to me.”

Our take: While Bill Walton was a TREMENDOUS college basketball player — arguably the best of all time and definitely in the top five (Pete Maravich, Lew Alcindor also leap out at us) — and while he did astounding things in one and one-half healthy seasons with the Portland Trail Blazers (one NBA championship, and a 50-10 record in 1978 before Big Red suffered a season-ending injury; Portland went 8-14 without him the rest of the way), Seth Davis’ assertion that if his body hadn’t betrayed him so young “he might have been the best player ever” is, hmm, questionable at best. Better than Wilt Chamberlain? Better than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

Seth Davis: “Billllllll! I love you so and I always will…”

Granted, you can at least make a case for it. Deitsch deftly disagreed on Twitter, chiding his longtime SI colleague that he might be smoking some of that wacky-go-jacky that Walton did while at Westwood. But then Doug Gottlieb (don’t you hate it when Jewish people bicker with one another???) jumps into the fray and advises Deitsch to stick with what he knows. Challenge flag, Doug! And Gottlieb soon realized it, as evidenced by his later deleting all of the involved tweets.

This we can say: we’ve made more than a few mistakes on Twitter. We’ve gotten ourselves into a Twitter feud or two, some that we even regret (although we regret no feuds with A.J. Daulerio and welcome more). But we’ve NEVER deleted a tweet. And never will.

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NEW YEAR’S EVE: FROM LES MISERABOWLS TO LES MILES

Thankfully, the junk half of the bowl season is over. Ohio-Louisiana-Monroe? San Jose State-Bowling Green? If these games had taken place on an October Saturday, I might actually be watching NBC’s Dew Tour (no, I wouldn’t). The Pinstripe Bowl was played in the Bronx, in a mix of rain and snow and featured West Virginia, a team that finished 115th in Scoring Defense. We must credit The Weirton Daily Times in West Virginia for running the hed “WVU Loses Bowel”. It’s the most accurate and succinct statement on Capital One Bowl Week that we’ve seen outside of our own at the top of this item. And we know that Rece Davis agrees with us but he loves his job too much –and who can blame him–to say so. But if you really care/cared about these cornball brotha contests, SI.com’s Holly Anderson has answers to all of your questions.

Say no more

A few thoughts on Django Unchained: Quentin Tarantino is an expert at crafting memorable movie scenes, but the overall films themselves leave much to be desired. Our problem with DU is that there are even fewer memorable scenes than normal. You think of Reservoir Dogs: the opening diner scene and the “Stuck in the Middle With You” scenes are classic. Inglorious Basterds? Again, the opening scene is mesmerizing while the bar scene is fraught with drama and tension (Michael Fassbender and the immaculately lovely Diane Kruger will never be better). But the overall film itself? As with all Tarantino films, there’s just enough cartoonish violence/situations that it never really becomes a drama in which you care about the characters (in other words, as my brother would say, “It’s no Ghost“).

Perhaps this is why Pulp Fiction is Tarantino’s best film: It’s simply a collection of outstanding, dramatic or funny — and often both– scenes that are compiled with no regard to chronological order (an exact replica, we might add, of the current and magical method of selecting two teams to play for the national championship in football). The puzzle was part of the plot.

Other thoughts:

1. Jamie Foxx: big role, big part (wink, wink). And you know Jamie fought for that (ob)scene.

2. Tarantino is aware that he has an Aryan female fetish, is he not? Uma Thurman. Diane Kruger. Now, a black female lead who speaks German and is named for a character in a German fairy tale?

A lame excuse to post a Diane Kruger pic? Sure, why not?

3. Love that Tarantino found roles, however minor, for some yesteryear Hollywood names such as Tom W0pat (Dukes of Hazzard), Lee Horsley (Matt Houston) and Dennis Christopher (starred in a little film that everyone should see entitled “Breaking Away”). Another star of that film, Jackie Earle Haley, currently has a prominent role in Lincoln. The two other main characters, Daniel Stern and Dennis Quaid, have gone on to far more successful careers.

“Look at the big brain on Monsieur Candie!”

4. Samuel L. Jackson as a Stepin Fetchit character named Stephen (that cannot be a coincidence) is fantastic. Highlight of the movie and possibly even a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nominee. In the final scene, though, we really were hoping for him to stare into Django’s eyes and say, “Calm down, Ringo.”

Should auld Saturday Night Live film spoofs be forgot… Not only is this a terrific parody trailer of an atrocious film, but you have to admire SNL head writer Seth Meyers, who actually appeared in the film (“New Year’s Eve”) for letting this rip with such gusto.

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Happy New Year, everyone. Personally, we lost more than normal in 2012, but we are grateful for all that we’ve gained, not the least of which is any one who regularly reads this site. We’ll be better in 2013.

Starting Five

1. Who’s hot? J.R. Who shot? J.R. New York Knick forward J.R. Smith buried not one but two ridiculous jumpers in the final 10 seconds las night to propel New Yawk past the Phoenix Suns, 99-97. In a game in which the Knicks were without their two top scorers, Carmelo Anthony and Raymond Felton, Smith demonstrated why he just may be the team’s second-best player. The second-most famous native son of Freehold, N.J. (“Bruuuuuuuuce!”), Smith had a key steal with about five minutes remaining to tie the score at 90. With 10 ticks left Smith, who LeBron’ed college, hit a 22-footer from atop the key with P.J. Tucker draped all over him to tie the score at 97.

J.R. Smith’s month >>> J.R.R. Tolkien’s

Then, after a Sun turnover with 1.0 seconds remaining, Smith took an inbounds pass and hit this bizarre shot from the left corner. And if you’ve watched this hired gun (J.R. Smith & Wesson?) shoot jumpers dating back to his days with Denver, it did not surprise you one iota (has anyone ever typed “two iotas”? “Two iotae?”). In fact, it was Smith’s second buzzer-beating game-winner this month (he had one on December 5th at Charlotte).

2. Welcome to Intermina-bowl Week: San Jose State vs. Bowling Green today (Military Bowl), Ohio vs. Louisiana Monroe tomorrow (Independence Bowl), and Rice vs. Air Force (which is an anagram of “For a Rice”) in the Armed Forces Bowl (which has a second amendment right to exist) on Saturday.  There are a few good contests within — Baylor vs. UCLA tonight from San Diego may provide intrigue — but what you must remember is that December bowls = ESPN programming, and nothing more.

3. Steve Nash’s new team lost last night at Denver because they don’t play defense and allowed 126 points. Two of Nash’s former Sun teammates, a pair of players who benefited TREMENDOUSLY from his mentoring while all were with the Suns, had either season- or career-highs in points. Center Robin Lopez, now with New Orleans, led the Hornets to their first win in 12 games by scoring a game-high 29 points at Orlando (but ESPN still featured him getting posterized on Top Plays). Forward Jared Dudley, whose locker was next to Nash’s and practically worshipped the fellow Catholic college alum (B.C., Santa Clara), scored a career-high 36. If we know Nash the way we think we do, he sent Dudley a congratulatory text before he hit the pillow. Oh, how we miss those halcyon Sun days (video shot and directed by Mr. Nash)…

4. Kate Winslet really married a dude whose surname is Rocknroll?!?! Ned Rocknroll (ne Abel Smith), 34, is the nephew of UK tycoon Richard Branson (and really, shouldn’t HE be the next king of England? He even looks the part). No, their wedding song was not “I Wanna Rocknroll All Night (And Party Every Day)”, but seeing as how Winslet, 37, already has two failed marriages under her corset (When will she realize that she’s destined to end up with Jack Dawson?!?), we won’t be overly surprised if the epitaph of this betrothing is the title of an underrated album from that same band, KISS.

How they met: She saw him dancing there by the record machine/Knew he musta been ’bout seventeen…

5. Shanghai Surprise II, Dorsal Fin Boogaloo: A 3,000-gallon shark tank at a mall in Shanghai shatters, sending scores of Negaprion brevoristris (i.e., lemon sharks) toward shoppers. We know what exactly what you are thinking: What were Gilbert Arenas and his teammates doing inside a 3,000-gallon aquarium?

Reserves

Only one NBA player averages more than 40 minutes per game. Can you name him? Hint: he is NOT in the NBA top ten in any major category outside, of course, of minutes played (answer below).

Remember when Notre Dame linebacker Carlo Calabrese infamously threatened an officer –twice!–with “My people will get you?” Well, it may be just a coincidence of surnames, but there’s one less “people” for law enforcement officials in South Bend to worry about today.

All in the family?

Sopranos impresario David Chase, the Martin Scorcese of the Garden State, has made a film that features New Jersey and James Gandolfini but has no connection to wise guys. Instead, it’s a semi-autobiographical coming-of-age flick about teenagers in the early Sixties who are inspired to play rock and roll after seeing the Rolling Stones. It’s called Not Fade Away and I promise the final scene is not scored to “Don’t Stop Believin'”.

A seven-foot tall thief is on the loose in Chicago. John Calipari: “Apprehend him? I’d like to sign him!”

So Randi Zuckerberg, the sister of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg posts a family photo on Facebook and then becomes SHOCKED and APPALLED when that photo shows up on Twitter. Somewhere a lot of women who attended Harvard in 2004 are howling.

We could be wrong on this, but the tallest athlete in Notre Dame history? Ryan Doherty, seven-foot-one. His sport? Baseball. Yes, baseball. We came across this piece on the 2002 Irish grad, who finally has grasped an understanding of the word morphology.

Kelly Lundy, a.k.a. Suzy  Favor Hamilton, could be in even more trouble than David Gregory. Also, as avid readers of “Tater Talk” are aware, she has lost her contract with the Wisconsin Potato and Vegetable Growers Association. And yet there is something so refreshing by her unabashed ownership of these deeds.

Ethical and journalistic question: We personally have known about George Bush’s medical condition for nearly two weeks. The nation’s 41st president, 88 years old, is reportedly in more grave condition than has been made public. Our question is: What does the Today Show, one of whose correspondents is President Bush’ granddaughter, Jenna Bush Hager, do about this? Is it a vital, breaking story? No. Do you want to be first? Probably.

Answer to question above: Luol Deng, Chicago Bulls.

Starting Five

1. Joyful and Triumphant: Celtics, Heat, Rockets, and both the Loss Los Angeles Lakers and the L.A. Clippers at the Staples Center on Christmas Day, what is being billed as “Arash Markazi-palooza”.  The Clippers have now won 14 straight and have the NBA’s best record (22-6), and we just wonder if Bill Simmons is still allowed to use his season tickets and cheer now that he is a respected ESPN NBA analyst. This video, by the way, is some of our pal Arash’s best work at Staples (he shot the video; the giggle incriminates him).

2. There are five undefeated teams left in college basketball. Three of them, the top three in the rankings, have all won a national championship in the past quarter-century: Duke, Michigan and Arizona. A fourth, Cincinnati, spent an entire season at or near No. 1 back in the days of Huggy Bear (Bob Huggins). The fifth? Well, that school remains unranked and before this season the only thing you’d associate it with basketball was a long ago SI cover that featured All-Time All-Name Teamer Fennis Dembo.

Oddly enough, neither “Fennis” nor “Dembo” is an up and coming section of Brooklyn

Yes, that school would be Wyoming. The Cowboys are 12-0, though they have only defeated one ranked team (neighboring Colorado). Their top scorer and rebounder is Leonard Washington, who played his first two seasons at USC and actually was a starter as a frosh for the Trojan squad that lost in the second round to Michigan State.

3. So, if you have seen the ads, you know that Les Miserables is the greatest thing ever to happen to mankind. We though we’d give a little dap to the man who, you know, actually wrote the novel on which the musical is based: Victor Hugo. According to Wikipedia, the French poet/novelist /sketch artist/political activist (1802-18850) wrote a single-character telegram to his publisher when Les Miz was published — he was on vacation. The telegram read simply “?”. The publisher’s reply? “!”

4. Did NBC’s David Gregory violate a District of Columbia gun ordinance when he displayed a 30-round clip during his “Meet The Press” interview last Sunday with NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre?

5. From the “What We’re Reading” section: The first film that Roger Ebert, arguably America’s greatest film critic, saw in the theaters? “A Day At the Races”,  the 1937 comedy featuring the Marx Brothers (as opposed to the Queen album of the same title that features the classic tune “Somebody To Love”) .(as opposed to the Jefferson Airplane song of the same title…). That nugget, by the way, comes from Ebert’s memoir, “Life Itself.” (Yes, I am reading a memoir of a film critic who was born and raised in downstate Illinois and I’m not even Will Leitch). (This, by the way, is a fascinating and very telling Will Leitch confessional involving his hero, Mr. Ebert).

Two classic lines from the immortal Groucho Marx in this one (“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped” and “Have you got a woman in there?” “If I haven’t, I’ve wasted 30 minutes of valuable time.”). If you’ve never seen Groucho as Dr. Hugo Hackenbush, you can always watch the classic M*A*S*H episode in which they make a mockumentary titled “Yankee Doodle Doctors” and Hawkeye basically reprises the character.