Starting Five

“What do I have to do to make the cover of SI? Who’s running that rag, Sally Bell?”

1. Leviathan

It’s a measure of just how dominant Connecticut under Geno Auriemma has become that last night, with the Huskies trailing by one point to Dayton at halftime of their Elite Eight game, the world turned upside down (for those few of us on Twitter who care about women’s college hoops).

Naturally, the Huskies cruised to a 21-point win to return to the Final Four for an eighth consecutive year. And still, Geno has never made the cover of a regular issue of Sports Illustrated. If only the managing editor were from Connecticut (what?). If only Rebecca Lobo knew someone of influence there. The truth: If only women’s basketball were relevant outside of a few patches of America.

Still, Geno is quite the captivating figure (and I’ve got the self-published book sales totals to prove it). Fourteen years ago, after a typically entertaining Geno post-game presser, a wonderful local beat writer named Carl Adamec pointed at Geno and said to me, “When he leaves, I’m leaving. ”

They’re both still there. It’s been a fabulous run in Storrs.

 2. A Chimp with a Machine Gun

Et tu, Chuck?

An excellent penultimate episode of the season for Better Call Saul, in which Jimmy McGill has his “Fredo, I know it was you” moment with big brother Chuck. As much as we wanted to vilify Howard Hamlin, he was just covering for Chuck. And as much as Jimmy accused Kim of betraying him, she was just trying to spare him the agony of discovering that his own brother had betrayed him.

“You’re not a REAL lawyer!” Chuck barks at the proud alumnus of the American College of Samoa (“Go, Landcrabs!”) in his own defense, after Jimmy successfully sleuths out Chuck’s insidious actions. “Handing you a license to practice law is like handing a chimpanzee a machine gun.”

Wow.

I was waiting for Jimmy to strike back with the information that the doctor at the hospital had proven that Chuck’s medical condition was psychosomatic, but maybe he’ll hold that card back for another day.

As the season has gone on, we’ve seen that Jimmy is even more motivated to win his big brother’s approval than he is to garner Kim’s. And now that cord has been severed. The loss of innocence via betrayal is a powerful thing. But so is vindication. The show is headed in a fascinating direction.

As always, Alan Sepinwall’s review is worth reading….

3. Black & Dekker*

Yes, but will either of these two speak to Dennis Dodd on the court?

The Associated Press named its All-American team on Monday: Jahlil Okafor (Duke), Frank Kaminsky (Wisconsin), Jerian Grant (Notre Dame), Willie Cauley-Stein (Kentucky) and D’Angelo Russell (Ohio State). All fine choices, but I’d be willing to say that at least three of them, if not four, have a teammate who will be a more valuable NBA player.

I really like Willie Cauley-Stein, a junior seven-footer (who can stay step for step with Grant, coast-to-coast), but if I were an NBA GM, I’d rather have freshman seven-footer Karl-Anthony Towns. But I like them both.

Grant? I think his game is a little herky-jerky. In two years Demetrious Jackson will be better. Pat Connaughton is a far better glue guy, even though he’d be without a true position in the NBA.

It’s hard not to love Frank Kaminsky, who may win the Naismith Award. But teammate Sam Dekker is, at six-foot-seven, a terrific outside scoring threat. Will Kaminsky, a seven-footer, be able to thrive in the NBA (yes)? I like them both.

Winslow just turned 19 last week. I didn’t look this mature until I was at least 23.

The easiest call for me is Justise Winslow over Okafor, who may win the Naismith Award and may be the No. 1 overall pick and who air-balled a free throw on Sunday. Is that last indiscretion a reason to drop Okafor so much? Not exactly, but I just love everything about Winslow’s game. He’s LeBron-like in his baseline-to-baseline athleticism; he’s a better three-point shooter than you think; and he seems to play better when the stakes are higher. There’s a touch of Jordan to him –not in overall talent, but in his competitiveness. He just has “it.”

*Oh, c’mon! You’re not really upset by that hed, are you?

4. That Girl

Deep down, she’d rather be endorsing Pop Tarts

We knew her way back when… the inexorable and wholly deserved ascent of Amelia Boone into the national consciousness continues, albeit with a beef jerky ad co-starring Screamin’ A. Smith. There’s practically no one I admire more, with the possible exception of Kim Wexler. 🙂 Anyway, this latest entry from her blog is just another example of how Ms. Boone is not like the rest of us.

5. Noah, You Didn’t

Springboks Car Willie

The Daily Show announced its new host late yesterday as 32 year-old biracial South African comedian Trevor Noah. And then the internet unearthed anti-Semitic and sexist tweets he sent out seven years ago (they’re really more anti p.c. than anything). Commence your harrumphing.

Noah on his father being white Swiss and his mother being black African: “You know how the Swiss love their chocolate.”

Music 101

Bye Bye Love

Curious that Ric Ocasek is remembered as the lead vocalist for The Cars, when my favorite song by the Boston-based band, one of forerunners of New Wave music, was sung by the late Benjamin Orr, who also sang lead on two other signature tracks, Let’s Go and Just What I Needed. He looks 100x more the lead singer than Ocasek ever did, too.

In the Debut Album Hall of Fame, The Cars eponymous 1978 effort is a first-ballot inductee. This tune is one of the reasons why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQH9sloHbf8

Also, it’s difficult to arrive at the end of this song and not hear “Moving In Stereo” following it immediately.

Remote Patrol

Warriors at Clippers

10:30 p.m. TNT

Golden State has the West’s best record and the NBA’s longest win streak (9 games). The Clippers, in any other league or any other state, would be that league’s/state’s hottest team. L.A. has won 7 straight. If I were Kerr, I’d sit Curry out. This is a game in which he could get hurt.

Starting Five

You’re calling me crazy?!?

1. He Tried to Warn ‘Em

How did I miss this???? Did you, like me, fail to see this coming? I feel soooo stupid.

On the season finale of Walking Dead, it only made sense that Deanna’s kindly, gentle lamb of a husband becomes the martyr that flips the switch in her head to finally accede Rick’s way of justice. For weeks Rick has been telling Deanna that Alexandria needs, to borrow a phrase floating around pop culture currently, to get hard.

But she refuses to go all Texas governor death penalty on her populace. And so of course the most docile person in Alexandria, and the man who BUILT THE WALL that symbolizes their delusional sense of security, is sacrificed when hostile surgeon husband Pete steals Michonne’s sword and takes him out.

It’s like when peacemaker Tony is the one to die in West Side Story….without all the singing.

Also, the Wolves seem like that gang in Warriors that stir up trouble just for the hell of it. Those 18-wheeler zombie raves are going to become a thing, just you watch.

2. Irish Agony (Part II)

Connaughton and Jackson had their shot at immortality, and came within one shot of immortality.

For the second time this academic year, Notre Dame takes the heavily favored, No. 1 team in the nation to the brink, only to lose. There’s no shame in that, but there’s also little solace.

The Irish led 66-64 with two minutes to go and a chance to end Kentucky’s 37-game win streak and spoil the Wildcats’ perfect season. In the end, the Wildcat-iparis did what needed to be done, while Jerian Grant did not pass the ball on any of Notre Dame’s final three possessions. Great kid, great player, but that was a big mistake, especially for an offense that had exactly twice as many assists (16 to 8) as Kentucky on Saturday night.

3. Kerfuffle du Jour: Dodd vs. Rodgers

Dodd (L) stalks Rodgers

Back when I actually used to attend sporting events, I really liked Dennis Dodd. Still do. But I’m not feeling his ire over Aaron Rodgers turning down his interview request after Wisconsin buried Arizona in the Western regional final on Saturday afternoon. It is a request, after all, and as Rodgers tweeted, “Sometimes the answer is ‘no.'” 

But Dennis continued to, um, badger Rodgers. I guess we’ll just have to watch all 11 ESPN chat-debate programs today to discern how we should feel about this.

Seriously, though, if Dodd is asking why Rodgers should be treated any differently, well, first of all 1) Good for Rodgers for not usurping the moment by talking about the Badgers (as many would have interpreted it), and 2) I can ask the same question as to why some national media members seem to get better seats on press row time after time, when all of the media members are there to perform the same function? Everyone is not treated equally. Welcome to America. Sometimes it works for you; sometimes it doesn’t.

Not to worry, my friend. This will all make a solid Discount Double-Check commercial in about four months….

 4. Theater of the Absurd

If you watched WrestleMania last night, that’s cool. I’m not into it, but live and let live. However, I must ask whey ESPN’s SportsCenter covered the event as if it were any other countest. I guess the “E” overtook the “S” in its acronym last night.

As I’ve said for more than a dozen years, the two traits an endeavor must have to be a sport are simple: 1) Athleticism and 2) Defense. Chess is a game, not a sport, because it lacks athleticism. Golf is a competition, not a sport, because it lacks defense. Pro wrestling is not a sport because, as long as the combatants have agreed beforehand at least in part how the match will be staged, defense is once again technically not part of the equation.

The Bella twins: Pride of Chaparral High School?

Fun? Yes. Athletic? Yes. A crowd-pleaser? Ask the full house (77,000) at Levi’s Stadium and the millions more who watched. But a sport? Nope. SportsCenter may as well have done a highlight package on who won and lost on Walking Dead last night (Levy: “And Deanna nearly tells Rick, “Get outta town!”)

5. Tough News

Sager has long added a splash of color to his work

Everyone’s favorite peacock of a sideline reporter, Craig Sager, has been diagnosed with leukemia again. It was about this time last year when Sager, 63, was diagnosed with cancer and missed all of the NBA postseason while undergoing chemotherapy treatment.

Sager, a beloved fixture at TNT for 17 years, had just returned to the sideline at the start of this month, but now must return to the hospital for treatment. We wish him a full recovery. He’s one of the good guys.

Music 101

Every Time You Cry

Say what you will –oh, and you will–but Play Deep, the 1986 album from British band The Outfield had three solid tracks: “Your Love (Josie’s on a Vacation Far Away)”, “Say It Isn’t So,” and this song, an all-timer in terms of flash-your-lighter-and-sway arena power ballads. You have to love a band based in a country that doesn’t play baseball naming themselves and their debut album after baseball vernacular. I can’t believe the first cut wasn’t called “Warning Track.”

The Outfield were based in Manchester. I doubt they hung out much with Joy Division.

Remote Patrol

Roast of Justin Bieber

10 p.m. Comedy Central

Is Biebs the first male you’ve seen with RBF?

From what I’ve read, there’s never been a Comedy Central roast of a person with less “but underneath it all, we love this fella” simpatico than this one. Comedians are just like most of us: they genuinely despise the Biebs. I’m bummed that the Paul Walker jokes were cut –that’s insensitive, but you can make jokes about Bea Arthur’s penis?–but I’ll tune in. Also, there’s a “pre-heat” of the roast at 9:30 p.m.

Broadcast News

10:15 p.m.

What Almost Famous is to print, this 1987 classic is to broadcast journalism. Simply one of the bestest screenplays ever written and the banter between Albert Brooks and Holly Hunter is more real that you’ll hear in just about every film. A genuine classic.

Starting Five

At 6’10”, Trey Lyles was the fourth-tallest Kentucky player on the court last night. This just in: Goliath was tall.

1. Hello, Kitty!

Kentucky rolls over West Virginia, literally doubling up the Mountaineers, 78-39. And Arizona prevails over Xavier, 68-60.

The lone ‘dog to win last night was Notre Dame. The Fighting Irish played their best game of the tournament, pulling away midway through the second half against Wichita State to win 81-70.

Kentucky has a 37-game win streak. A reminder that the Irish in their history have ended the longest men’s win streak of all time (UCLA, 88 games) as well as San Francisco’s 30-game win streak in 1977.

Like I tweeted last week, I won’t be satisfied until Kentucky edges the Irish late on an illegal pick violation. A great way to circle back to the beginning of the academic year.

2. Parrot Top

It worked. The movie, by the way, earned a 27% rating on Rotten Tomatoes…

The film Get Hard must really blow because Will Ferrell, whom everybody loves with good reason, is lapping the field in terms of gimmicky to promote the film.

Letterman: dressed as a leprechaun.

Fallon: dressed in a Little Debbie costume.

And now, Conan: with a parrot on his shoulder.

3. Would Ye Men Stop Fighting? 

O Man, why are Arabs always at each other’s throats? Perhaps a poor choice of words….

Saudi Arabia invades Yemen, which I remember fondly from the 1990s as a punch line to a Chandler Bing joke. But now, apparently, it’s an actual place. As pundit Olivier Knox tweeted, “Saudi Arabia may lead a ground war coalition in Yemen? So now the Middle East may finally get bogged down in the Middle East?”

4. Bale Out?

Driving an ostentatiously expensive British car around Madrid may be too easy a metaphor, Gareth…

An MH favorite in our earlier years, Gareth Bale’s career has gone south ever since the Welsh soccer star left the cozy confined of the EPL and Tottenham for the grand stage of La Liga (Spain) and Real Madrid. Bale, a striking striker, has scored just twice in Real Madrid’s last 12 games –and so what if he scored in extra time when Real Madrid won the UEFA Champions League final last spring!?!– and now, after Real Madrid lost its latest El Clasico (match versus Barcelona), fans actually attacked Bale’s Bentley as he drove away.

If you remember when Jason Giambi joined the New York Yankees, or when Kevin Love joined the Cleveland Cavaliers, it’s a little bit like that. Is there a La Liga version of Brian Windhorst to enlighten us on all of this? Expect Bale to return to England this summer, most likely to Manchester United. Wayne Rooney will have a partner in fan schadenfreude.

 5. If You’re Not First…

Abbott

The Iditarod ended last week. Dallas Seavey, 27, defended his title, one that he wrested one year ago from his father, Mitch Seavey, who is also a two-time winner. Dallas mushed from Anchorage to Nome, more than 1,000 miles, in less than nine days.

I’m more interested in the woman who finished in last place and won the Red Lantern. Cindy Abbott, 56, was the last of the 66 finishers, taking 13-plus days to complete the route (sure, the pooches do most of the work; we all know that). Abbott lives in Irvine, Calif., and also took up mountain climbing only eight years ago, but she has already summited Mount Everest. This is a lass who takes “climb every mountain” as both a figurative and literal life mantra.

Music 101

Private Idaho

I wrestled with which song off the B-52’s 1980 sophomore album, Wild Planet, to list here. Give Me Back My Man resonates more with me, but that song only has Cindy Wilson’s vocals. This one gives you Fred Schneider and Kate Pierson as well. And it’s as early B-52’s-ish as you get. Rock Lobster is classic, but overexposed. This is just as good. (Don’t let the fact that there are no microphones in front of the two female singers distract you.)

Remote Patrol

Sweet 16 Hoops

7:15 p.m. CBS & TBS

MSU’s 5’11” Travis Trice

UCLA-Gonzaga: Rematch of December game in which Zags bullied Bruins.

N.C. State-Louisville: Rick, are you still here?

Utah-Duke: Justise Winslow returns to his hometown of Houston.

Oklahoma-Michigan State: Tom, are you still here?

Remote Patrol

Starting Five

1. Horror

In our continuing series, “There’s Nothing More Inhumane than Humanity,” it has been determined that the 28 year-old pilot of the Germanwings aircraft that went down in the French Alps, killing 150 people, acted deliberately.

The cable news programs will blather all day about how to make the cockpit more safe, but the simple fact is this: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And there was a will here, for reasons we may never learn.

2. Mr. Smith Goes At Washington

Honestly, Mr. Chairman, maybe we should all just vote Republican

ESPN’s eminence of blather, Screamin’ A. Smith, advocates that “for one election, all blacks should vote Republican.” As a member of the 0.1%, Smith certainly would stand to benefit. And while he may have had legitimate reasons for that proposal, he needed at least to be transparent enough to acknowledge that when he said it.

My piece in Newsweek.

3. The Patriot Act

There is nothing illegal about this formation. The Patriot circled may not go out for a pass, but that doesn’t mean he cannot line up there. At least it shouldn’t.

The first step in discussing the “trick play” that the NFL banned yesterday at its owners’ meetings is to acknowledge that it is not a trick play. It is no more of a trick play than a play-action pass.

Look, it’s pretty simple. Or at least it should be. The offense must place at least seven men on the line of scrimmage, although it may place as many as 10 players on it. The two players on either end of the line of scrimmage are eligible receivers. Everyone else who lines up on the line of scrimmage between them is ineligible.

As for the remaining players, anywhere from one to four of them, they each must line up at least one yard behind the line of scrimmage. And they are ALL eligible to go out for a pass.

All that Bill Belichick did, and it is something that my defensive back buddies and I were coached to understand and look out for 30 years ago at Brophy Prep, was line up multiple men along the line of scrimmage but outside of the tackle box. As a defensive back, your job is to ignore a player who lines up along the line of scrimmage between the split end (the term is self-explanatory) and the tackle. That player is a decoy.

It’s just that simple.

But the NFL decided that compelling defensive backs to have to think on their feet right before the snap, well, when a coach is game-planning 100 hours a week for Sunday (or Monday…or Thursday), well, you cannot take the control out of his hands by obliging defensive backs to think quickly, or to disrupt his nickel and dime packages by lining up in an unorthodox formation.

“It’s not something that anybody has done before,” Raven coach John Harbaugh whined back in January (You know, kind of like the forward pass once was). “They’re an illegal type of a thing…”

An illegal type of a thing? What does that even mean? Because we know Harbaugh knew they were not actually illegal.

The NFL is ruled by oligarchs and titans of industry who prefer the status quo. Why should any of us be surprised that when someone found an unorthodox strategy that disrupted that status quo that they would move to squash it. Old, rich white men are the worst.*

*I’ll never be more than two of the three, so you can’t hate me–for that.

4. The 46 Jakes

Comedian Jake Johannsen, who has been appearing on Late Night/Late Show since the late 1980s, made his 46th and final appearance on David Letterman’s stage last night. It was a solid set with typical Johannsen understated observational humor: “I heard about wife swapping. It turns out that all you can get is another wife…I’ve always wanted a boat.”

Wife: “Where are you going?”

Jake: “Where am I going? I’m a 54 year-old man. Where am I going? I’m going to ride a helicopter to a stripper’s house. We’re going to kill a bear and make it into sausages. Wanna come?”

Likely one of his first five appearances….

Watch how gracious Johannsen is at the end of his set, when Letterman speaks to him. He doesn’t mess it up with obsequious verbiage. He just stands there and accepts the compliment. That’s how you do it.

Longtime fan of Johannsen, who comes off as a rakishly handsome, cerebral type. Amiable and erudite. That’s why one of my favorite bits of his, from back in the Eighties, is when he innocently begins with “I broke up with my girlfriend recently, and….F$%&!” (you sorta had to be there).

5. Torah! Torah! Torah!*

*The judges would also have accepted “Downward Dog.”

A Scottsdale, Ariz., bar mitzvah* gets spiced up when a 32 year-old yoga teacher who recently had a breast augmentation flashes her surgical work to the attendees, then lets a few of the teenage boys grope her. After that, allegedly, she carried on the oral tradition with a 15 year-old.

So now if your child tells you he wants a Hummer for his bar mitzvah, he’s not talking about a car.

*This happened just a couple of miles from where I currently reside. I never get invited to religious celebrations.

Music 101

Temptation

As I’ve said before and I’m sure will say again, people of my age were absolutely bombarded with classic tune after classic tune in our youths. We were spoiled and had no idea that the banquet wouldn’t last. Or is it just that music impacts young people more? Maybe a little bit of both.

Here’s New Order from their perfect New Wave album from 1987, Substance. And here’s a raw performance of the same song from six years earlier. I attended high school in Phoenix and college in Indiana and because of bands like New Order, I had no shortage of classmates who behaved and dressed as if they lived in London’s West End. We called them “Mods.”

Remote Patrol

Sweet 16

7 p.m. CBS; 7:30 p.m. TBS

Tonight’s March Madness menu: Auguste and Everything After

In the early games, Wichita State meets Notre Dame. Shocker coach Gregg Marshall coached Winthrop when they, um, shocked the Irish in the NCAA tourney eight years ago. Then you’ve got Bo versus Roy, Wisconsin versus North Carolina. The nightcaps feature Kentucky versus West Virginia –Huggy Bear is 8-2 versus John Calipari. And then there’s Arizona versus Xavier. If you’re not enthused enough yet, here’s Club Trillion on the next 48 hours’ games….

Starting Five

Yep, he made the right choice.

1. Kerr-fuffle

With their 122-108 win at Portland, the Golden State Warriors move to 58-13 –the NBA’s best record–and wrap up their first Pacific Division title since 1976. How long ago was the spring of 1976?

—Rocky had yet to be released.

–Saturday Night Live was finishing up its inaugural season.

–The No. 1 song on the charts was December 1963 (Oh, What a Night) by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

–Only one year had passed since the Warriors’ last NBA title.

–Only three years had passed since the Knicks’ last NBA title.

–Only 1,943 years had passed since the crucifixion of Jesus –there’s still even money on whether Jesus will return before the Knicks do.

2. The James Gang

It was refreshing to see a late-night TV host make his debut and just be earnest and gracious. Whatever future James Corden has at The Late, Late Show, no one can accuse him of acting too cool for school.

3. Saul Together Now*

Two-plying his trade…

You have to hand it to Better Call Saul: the show is so good that it can tackle nursing home fraud, RICO, babysitting, paper shredding (I felt like I was watching Argo again) and WestLaw pass codes all in one episode and that episode is still damn well worth watching.

Two scenes here were emblematic of our hero: receiving a phone call from opposing counsel while dumpster diving for evidence, and writing a letter of demand using toilet paper while seated on a toilet. Perfect.

*Yes, I will pun this title until long after you’ve grown tired of me doing so.

4. Oops, They Did It Again

“Let’s Do Some Damage” is also the mantra of Congress

Should there be term limits on Sports Illustrated spring baseball cover subjects? For the second year in a row Bryce Harper graces the cover of SI before Opening Day. Our friends over at The Big Lead noticed that this year Harper, the Kate Upton of the MLB Preview issue, looks particularly “jacked.”

To be fair, this should be the season that the Nats win a series in October.

5. If This Shell’s a Rockin…

Has this happened to you before? You’re on a deserted island with your girl, the mood is right, and then a British TV presenter barges in. Tortoise Interruptus.

Music 101

I’m Gonna Make You Love Me

Originally released as a single in 1966 and performed by Dee Dee Warwick, it rose to No. 2 three years later when released as a joint single by Diana Ross & the Supremes AND The Temptations. Here’s Ross, the original Beyonce, performing it with Stevie Wonder in 1969. Think they’re fond of one another?

Remote Patrol

Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown: Sicily

9 p.m. CNN

After filming this scene, Bourdain asked the owner of this trattoria for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

Does anyone have a better job than Bourdain? Travel all over the world, sample the most interesting cuisine, and you don’t even have to perform a Bar Rescue (or a Bar Refaeli Rescue, although who’d mind that?). Tonight he travels to Sicily, the little ball that Italy’s boot kicks. This episode, originally airing in 2013, went hilariously badly. It’s like a comedy film about a show such as this going off the rails.