by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Vote For Roger — or Davo!

As we wonder whether Sepp Blatter’s Panic Room will eventually be a U.S. jail cell….

As we speak, Blatter is running (figuratively, not literally — although I would pay to watch a foot race) against Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein of Jordan for the FIFA presidency. Ali has pledged universal health care if elected.

Below, the guy I’d nominate to be the next FIFA prez…

2. Caste, A Spell

Your co-champions (co-champions? When did the Big 12 take over this event?) for the National Spelling Bee are Vanya Shivashankar of Olathe, Kans., and Gokul Venkatachalam of Chesterfield, Mo. Well, they are both from Big 12 country, as it turns out.

The last words that each spelled correctly — “nunatak” and “scherenschnitte” — are Inuit and German, respectively.

Mr. Trilby finished 3rd….

3. Pre Destined

Steve Prefontaine in high school….

Tomorrow is the 40th anniversary of the death of Steve Prefontaine, one of the true legends of American sport. The annual Prefontaine Classic will be held at Hayward Field tomorrow in Eugene. I’m rooting for Emma Coburn and Jenny Simpson in the women’s 1500 because they’re cool.

Tough Buffs: Coburn (L) and Simpson (Not L)

4. Met-a-Physics

The Mets signed Syndegaard after the History Channel granted him an unconditional release from Vikings.

I kind of like that the New York Mets pitching staff now has not one but two dream boats (Matt Harvey and Noah Syndegaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard) but that its staff ace, and one of the best pitchers in the N.L. this spring, is Bartolo Colon (7-3, tied for most wins in NL).

How can you not love this guy?

5. Stairway to Heaven?

Behold, the Half Dome Cables Trail in Yosemite National Park, which is a 45-degree, 600-foot climb to the top of Half Dome. People do this every summer. Are they nutso? Have you done this? What was your experience, if you did? Panoramic photo below….

by John Walters

Thanks to a GFOB who prefers to remain nameless, we now have our very own Medium Happy Twitter account (@MediumHappy88). The app and memorial sandwich are still in the offing.

Starting Five

The Baur au Lac hotel had quite a few sudden checkouts on Wednesday morn.

1. Going Down, FIFA?

This was from Sam Farmer:

Early May: Under-inflated bladder.

Late May: Over-inflated Blatter.

Yesterday was a great day for justice. It takes more than just being on the side of justice. It takes people to do the dirty work to rectify injustice, to pay no mind when cynics say a corrupt system cannot be changed. Good for you, Loretta Lynch. You’re no coal-miner’s daughter any more.

Here’s Dan Wetzel’s column, which was well done. And here’s mine, which was medium rare but came with a side.

2. The Rookies

For the first time ever, the NBA Finals will feature a pair of rookie coaches. So take a bow, Steve Kerr and LeBron James.

Oh, that show above was popular in 1975, the last time the Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship. And yes, that’s Kate Jackson….before Charlie “took her away from all that” (ask your mom or dad).

Didn’t you like Klay Thompson’s explanation last night: “I did feel dizzy, but there was no concussion so we had no need to go through the concussion protocol.” (In so many words). That’s like when FIFA said, “Sure, there were ethics violations, but it didn’t affect the integrity of the vote.”

3. Amy Schumer Explains the Universe

I still find her show hit-and-mistress — she’s a naughty girl, that Amy Schumer — but this bit with Bill Nye the Science Guy is why she’s elevated herself into the Tina Fey realm. Apricot Puggle? That’s good.

This was Schumer’s coming-out party on Comedy Central a few years ago at the Charlie Sheen Roast. She swung for the fences here. This could have been a career-ending set, but she rode that wave home.

There’s talk of Schumer being the next Bachelorette. God help those men.

4. Alcohol = Truth Serum

Sherman will also be starring in the Chanhassen Dinner Theatre production of “The Passion” this summer.

While James Harden was committing 13 turnovers in Game 5 last night, another bearded ‘baller was making news with his tweets. Former Michigan State and Notre Dame center Garrick Sherman, currently deployed in Georgia (the country), spewed out some after-hours tweets relating to how he helped a former Spartan teammate beat a drug test and ridiculing the NCAA.  The entire spree seemed unsolicited. This is what happens when you smoke a bowl in a small former Soviet republic by yourself in the pre-dawn hours. C’mon. We’ve all been there.

5. Is This Really Her?

I know. I know. I’m worse than Dave Grohl. But is that really Taylor Swift on the cover of Maxim? That looks like the Taylor Swift stand-in you use for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs. Or a budding Russian tennis prodigy who’s currently ranked 91st in the world. I’m not trying to hate (“hate hate hate hate”) but she really appears to have shaken it up with her look.

Swift a couple of weeks ago with another multiple-time host of SNL.

Music 101

Turn It On Again

A couple of favorite Genesis songs: this one and Follow You, Follow Me. Released in 1980 off the album Duke, this tune never climbed higher than 58th in the U.S., but made it to No. 8 in the U.K. However, the video for the song did appear on MTV’s first day of broadcasts in that same year.

“Turn it on again,” by the way, refers to a television.

Remote Patrol

Men in Blazers

NBC Sports 7 p.m.

I’m not sure that this is a new episode, but Lord I hope so. These are the two gents who, during last year’s World Cup, would constantly say, “Well done, FIFA,” when something that appeared to have come straight out of a script occurred. Give Michael Davies and Roger Bennett an hour to opine on the FIFA kerfuffle (kerFIFAle?) and that’s restaurant-quality television.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Alex Morgan, Sepp Blatter, and a French actor who was once considered tres sexy (about 2,00 croq monsieurs ago)

1. Fee, FIFA, Foe, Fumble

Last week: U.S. soccer goddess Alex Morgan reveals that FIFA president Sepp Blatter had “no idea who I was” when this picture was taken and she was one of three women up for the World Player of the Year Award.

This week: the U.S. sends out an indictment that leads Swiss officials to raid FIFA’s offices and arrest six high-ranking members of FIFA (but not Blatter) on charges of corruption, racketeering and, I assume, flopping.

The 2018 World Cup is scheduled for Russia. The 2022 World Cup is scheduled for Qatar. Here’s hoping at least the latter Blatter venue is scrapped.

2. Dewey Defeats Harden

The Cavs overcame the cover jinx last night. And the Warriors probably will do the same tonight.

Before either conference finals series is put to bed, SI puts Cleveland’s LeBron James and the Warriors (see: bold print) on its cover for this week. This could be the first SI cover jinx in my memory that jinxed a team before it even played in the series SI was touting.

A motivator for the cover, besides the fact that LeBron sells on the newsstand, is that senior editor Mark Bechtel is from Cleveland and senior writer Chris Ballard hails from the East Bay.

Meanwhile, a senior editor who oversees hockey is probably wondering what more exactly the NHL has to do this spring to make the cover.

3. The Oakland E’s

Take cover in the first five rows: Marcus Semien leads the majors in Errors with 17. The A’s have committed 50 Errors, while the next worst team in baseball has committed 40.

If you’re taking stock, the Oakland A’s no longer have….

A.) Yoenis Cespedes.

B) Jon Lester, who was the reason they jettisoned Cespedes

C) The best record in baseball, as they did last July 31 (66-41) but rather now have the worst in the American League (17-31).

As Cespedes, now with the Detroit Tigers, said earlier this week, ” (Former A’s pitching coach Ariel) Prieto would tell me Oakland is a place where they develop players, then let them go.

“Then, why operate?” asked Cespedes. “Don’t they want to win a championship?”

I believe I’ve heard someone wonder that before…

The funny thing is, Oakland’s pitching and hitting is in the top third in baseball. Its fielding, however, is A’trocious, as the A’s have committed 50 errors, or 25% more than the next-worst ball club, which has committed 40.

Every game in Oakland is a giveaway day.

4.  Comic-Car

Jerry. Elaine. Coffee. “Don’t you two realize you belong together!?!”

“If they were really doughnut holes, wouldn’t the bag be empty?”

That’s gold, Jerry!

The sixth season of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee premieres soon, with guests Jim Carrey, Stephen Colbert, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Steve Harvey, Bill Maher and the next Jon Stewart, whatever his name is. Here’s the teaser/trailer.

I think we all know what the series finale will be: a fiery crash involving our host and the chairman of Crackle, Dick Corcoran.

5. Lettermania

A new recurring item in which we pay tribute to Dave. You got a problem with that?

Here’s Howard Stern on Late Night in October of 1984. Probably his second appearance.

Also, intern Caroline Schaper, 22, wrote two of the final 10 jokes for the final Top 10 List. If you look at her Twitter feed, you can sense a sharp sense of humor…

Music 101

One Hand In My Pocket

I’m high but I’m grounded/I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed/I’m lost but I’m hopeful, baby

In the summer of 1995 Jagged Little Pill exploded on radio (and on the MTV), making an international star of 21 year-old Canadian Alanis Morissette and practically kick-starting the Lilith Fair era. The first hit, You Oughta Know, was a nasty kiss-off to Joey from Full House (really) and the third hit, Ironic, got everyone debating on the true meaning of the word –no it’s NOT like rain on your wedding day. Thank God Twitter was not around at the time.

The second hit, Hand In My Pocket, was always my favorite. Also, its lyrics actually featured multiple examples of irony. Isn’t THAT ironic?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ8D5Ihe4hg

Remote Patrol

Game 6: Ducks at Blackhawks

NBC Sports 8 p.m.

Citizen Kane: tonight on NBC Sports

Granted, this will likely go into overtime — there have already been six OT periods in the first five games. So feel free to watch Game 5 of the Rockets-Warriors first (ESPN, 9 p.m., or 6 p.m. locally at tipoff — enjoy that rush hour traffic, GSW fans) first or the Airplane! marathon on Encore!

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Hero Takes a Fall

Which is the most provocative “Steph Curry Goes Ass-Over-Teakettle” photo? Is it the one above? Or is it this one? Okay, this one certainly has more of an air of panic to it because you can see Steph’s expression….

Or how about this one? I refer to this as the “Sully Sullenberger” photo: “Brace for impact.”

Curry wasn’t too much of  factor after this — cut to shot of him running in a hallway in the bowels of the Toyota Center — and the Rocketx extended the series to a fifth game.

2.Toews of Glory (see, cuz you pronounce it “Taze”)

Toews (19) attempted and buried the shot from here….

Anaheim led 3-0 and the Honda Center (Honda Center, Toyota Center) after one period. The Western Conference final series was tied 2-2 and both of Chicago’s wins have come in overtime.

So what happens? The Blackhawks trail 4-2 with less than 4 minutes to play. Then Jonathan Toews scores to make it 4-3. A little over a minute later, he scores again on the hockey equivalent of shooting it from the corner and banking it off the backboard. I still don’t understand how that puck went into the net.

So, overtime. Blackhawks win? Nope. Anaheims scores :45 in to to up 3-2. That was the sixth overtime session in five games this series, though.

3. Honorary Dr. Lou

Former Notre Dame coach and certifiable living legend (as a public speaker of course) Lou Holtz received an honorary doctorate from Steubenville University, not far from his place of birth, Follansbee W. Va., and then he addressed the graduates. A Lou Holtz speech will have a few old (but good) lines, but it’s still a good listen. My favorite: “They called it ‘Catholics vs. Convicts.’ I didn’t like that. Because not everyone on our team was Catholic.”

4. House of Plane*

And suddenly it was a pent-house

*The judges will also accept “Air BnB”

A bouncy house with three kids aboard in Fort Lauderdale makes a brief, unscheduled flight to a slightly more western section of Fort Lauderdale. There were a few broken arms, but nothing worse. I think most kids would say, “Do it again! Do it again!”

5. Cersei’s Unhappy Hour

What time is happy hour in prison?

Everyone’s favorite diabolical and incestuous queen mother, Cersei, is imprisoned on Sunday’s Game of Thrones (making it an incarceration hat trick for the Lannister kids). Although I imagine she feels that any place that does not serve Prosecco is prison enough.

Rising: Tyrion, Ser Jorah, Jon Snow (even if he does know nothing)

Falling: Cersei, Bronn, Sansa

Cersei (played brilliantly by Lena Headey) has long been the Don Draper of GoT: do we love to hate her or hate to love her? Sure, she’s flawed –and, okay, far more ruthless than Dick Whitman — but something within her still makes me feel empathy. There are days when I even wish I were related to her.

A review of Sunday night’s episode by Andy Greenwald of Grantland….

Music 101

The Tracks of My Tears

So take a good look at my face/You know my smile seems out of place/If you get closer it’s easy to trace/The tracks of my tears.

(A few) Motown acts of note:

The O’Jays: a 3-man vocal group.

The Four Tops, Smokey Robinson & The Miracles: 4-man vocal groups. (Diana Ross & The Supremes, a four-woman vocal group.

The Spinners, The Temptations, the Jackson Five: 5-man vocal groups.

Very similar templates, just different numbers of members.

Back in the Sixties, when scoring a Top 5 hit on the Billboard chart was akin to winning the SEC West, this all-time classic rose as high as No. 16. That’s it. It also made a wonderful cameo in the 1986 Best Picture winner, Platoon. There’s a future Best Actor winner in that scene, too, but you’ll have to find him.

Remote Patrol

Game 4: Hawks at Cavs

TNT 8:30 p.m.

Someone on Twitter wrote the caption, “Jesse Pinkman and Walter White.” Yup.

All offseason long, I’ve worked behind the scenes to enlist TNT to create a Susie B.-cam for Cavs games. They’ve told me, “No dice, as long as she continues to refer to him as ‘Sweet Pea.'” I can respect that. It was a nice run, Atlanta. There will be some lovely parting gifts for you.

by John Walters

Starting Five

Did the Hawks really expect to win with Mike Scott attempting a pair of 26-footers in overtime (“That’s what she said”)?

1. Cavs Overcome LeBron’s 23 Missed Shots To Beat Hawks

Cleveland’s recidivist Cavalier, LeBron James, missed 23 shots — hmm, 23….where have I heard that number before in relation to the Eastern Conference finals? — but the Cavs were able to outlast the Predatory Avians Species in overtime, 114-111. LBJ did score 37 points, grab 18 rebounds and dish out 13 assists.

So the Cavs and Warriors are both up 3-0….that’s going to make Adam Silver’s nuptials this coming weekend go that much smoother.

2. Festival Time Across the Pond

Sunset over Norwich….

The first big summer festival in Europe took place over the weekend in Norwich, England. BBC Radio’s Big Weekend drew a 2-day lineup that included (Saturday) Florence and the Machines, Fall Out Boy, Muse and David Guetta and (Sunday) Imagine Dragons Taylor Swift and Foo Fighters, who closed this show, too.

This was also the last weekend of Premier League play. It’s as if the powers above needed to have something ready to sate the masses who were on the cusp of football withdrawal.

Drama? About an hour before T-Swizzle took the stage, London native Rita Ora performed. Ora’s ex, Calvin Harris is A) Swift’s current boyfriend (TRUE) and B) A former defensive back for the Dallas Cowboys in the Seventies (FALSE). Ora took a mild swipe at Harris (who will be lucky to make it through the summer with Swift, predicts I) but the only Bad Blood was Swift’s song, which she would later include in her set.

Here’s her set in total. Nice sunset at about 20:00. WARNING: I’m beginning to be over Taylor’s entire boyfriend drama. It’s almost as tiresome as my entire girlfriend drama. Almost.

p.s. Her songwriting is regressing and becoming increasingly self-absorbed. There, I said it.

 3. The Dean of Daring

Potter working with no nets, no ropes, in Yosemite…

I didn’t know much about Dean Potter when I learned of his death last week during a BASE jump in Yosemite National Park. We’ll all have to wait for the inevitable 24-page Jon Krakauer story to come, to be followed by the best-selling Krakauer book, to be followed by the Krakauer film, but Potter wast truly an original. And truly fearless.

Watch this 2006 ascent of Heaven in Yosemite, the first free-solo climb of this face ever made. This “freebase” jump from Switzerland will also rattle your cage some. Potter’s mantra with freebasing, in which you free climb with a parachute so that when/if you fall you’ll be okay was “Fly or Die.” Last week he got the latter.

4. Pop Culture Leftovers from Last Week*

Dave. Back home again, in Indiana

David Letterman taped his final show on Wednesday, May 20th. But, as you know, Late Show ordinarily ran Monday through Friday. Why did Dave cut short his final week? Was it because he wanted to get to the Indianapolis 500 early? Or was he all too aware that his hero, Johnny Carson, aired his final Tonight Show on May 22, 1992? In other words, had Letterman’s final show aired last Friday, it would have been 23 years to the date after Carson’s. And would Dave have wanted to appear that presumptuous?

Note: Carson was 66 when he retired; Letterman, 68.

Mad Men: On at least three of the final seven episodes of this half season, the last scene is of Don Draper all by himself (I can’t account for the other three, which I haven’t seen). That’s no accident. In the final scene of the series, Don is not alone. He is sitting in the lotus position, in the midst of a multi-cultural, multi-racial, coed meditation group. Notice, what are they doing? Singing, in perfect harmony….

*Heat at 350 degrees for half an hour, then serve.

5. Melisandre the Giant

On Game of Thrones, Melisandre wants to sacrifice the daughter of her king/lover to the Lord of Light. Ehhh, wouldn’t you rather just have a new leather bodice? Oh, it’s easy to root against Carice Van Houten’s character, but face it, you’d take her to the prom if she wanted you to.

Music 101

Happy Days/Get Happy

The Judy Garland Show (CBS) lasted just one season and 26 stormy episodes in 1963-64, but that’s what happens when you go up against Bonanza’s time slot. And yet, this duet between the host and a young Barbra Streisand is legen — wait for it, later CBS show catchphrase –dary. This show was taped on October 4, 1963, and aired two days later. Six weeks later, happy days would be gone for a long, long time…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYpcFHtxm60

Remote Patrol

Game 4: Warriors at Rockets

ESPN 9 p.m.

As ESPN2 runs a marathon of “30 for 30” counter programming, ESPN will be running the Stephen Curry Show, which could mean, as it did on Saturday evening, “30 for 40.”