No Country For Old Men

“Jesse is a friend/Yeah, I know he’s been a good friend of mine/But lately something’s changed/It’s ain’t hard to define…”

Goodbye, Walter. Goodbye, Mo. Goodbye, Andy.

How is Walter White like J-Lo? Plenty of junk in the truck.

The final episode of “Breaking Bald” is titled “Felina”, which is an ode to the femme fatale in Marty Robbins’ “El Paso” –the tune we hear at the outset of the episode –, a composite of Fe (iron), Lithium (Li) and Na (sodium), or “blood, meth and tears”, and an anagram of “finale.” Dr. Lecter, your anagrams are showing…

I’ve always appreciated Rivera’s refusal to succumb to the temptation to have “Panama” as his entrance music (great tune, though).

…Mariano Rivera does not make an appearance during the Yankees’ final series of the season, i.e., of his career, a three-game sweep of the Lastros in Houston. Perhaps that is fitting, as there was no way to top his exit in the Bronx on Thursday night. On the other hand, the Yanks went 14 innings before tackling Houston yesterday. It was as if God were pleading with manager Joe Girardi for one last appearance by Mo…

Landry Clarke is sacked again?!?

…Where was Jesse Pinkman heading after breaking through the gate of the Neo-Nazis’ compound? To New York City, of course, to make a cameo in the cold open of the premiere of “Saturday Night Live.” He also stuck the landing as the kicker in the ad for Emeth: “You know it’s good cuz it’s blue, bitch!” Aaron Paul, man-crush alert. Jesse’s first and last scenes in the series, by the way, are of him making an unlikely escape…

…The final two games of Andy Pettitte’s major league career? Last Sunday in New York Pettitte, who never threw a no-hitter, tosses five no-hit innings before allowing a home run in the sixth. He allows just two hits in seven innings but takes the loss. Last Saturday night in his hometown of Houston Pettitte, who last hurled a complete game in 2006, closes the curtain on a tremendous career with a complete-game, five-hit 2-1 victory. It wasn’t exactly Kevin Costner in “For Love of the Game”, but it was better because it was real. Joe Girardi visited the mound after Pettitte let the tying run on base in the ninth, but Pettitte wisely told him that he wanted to finish. Meaningless game, but a storybook finish…

“Houston, goodbye!”

….Here is Alan Sepinwall’s “Breaking Bad” review…. and Marty Robbins’ live version of “El Paso”….and Badfinger’s live version of “Baby Blue” (and, yes, that is Kenny Rogers introducing him) “Guess I got what I deserved”…. Bryan Cranston (Walter White) and Anna Gunn (Skyler White), both “Seinfeld” alums. Their final scene together goes down in television history (“If I have to hear one more time–” “I did it for me. I was good at it. And I was really…I was alive.”)…

Dr. Timothy Watley…

Anna Gunn, with Jerry. Guess what? It didn’t work out.

…Let the record show that the Yankees had an .852 win percentage in games in which Mo appeared. By comparison the next greatest closer, in terms of saves (601), Trevor Hoffman, had a .760 win percentage (or his teams did) in games that he appeared. As I’ve noted before, Rivera has the lowest ERA of any pitcher born after 1900 (2.21) and while you’d be correct in noting that he has an unfair advantage in that he almost only pitched one inning per appearance, I’ll note that Hoffman’s ERA was 2.87, Lee Smith’s was 3.03 and, in case you were wondering, Dennis Eckersley’s was 3.50. The only current player with an ERA below 3.00, minimum 1,000 career innings pitched, is Clayton Kershaw of the Los Angeles Dodgers…

…The Secret Lives of Walter, Mitte: We all know about Walt’s secret life. Me, I was very impressed with R.J. Mitte, who appeared on the “Talking Bad” afterglow special with fellow cast members last night. Mitte, 21, who played Flynn/Walter, Jr., actually has cerebral palsy in real life. When his family moved from Lafayette, La., to California after his sister got a film project in 2006, he pursued acting himself. Certainly the odds were against him, but seven years later he can say that he was a key player in one of the greatest series in television history. There was an undisguised fondness in Anna Gunn’s eyes as she sat on the couch next to Mitte last night, listening to him talk. I love the simple wisdom he spouted: “Everything you wanted to happen, I think happened. I’m happy…” Me, too. I’m happy for Mitte…

R.J. Mitte: Take the money, Flynn!

…Pettitte retires with a 256-153 record and as the Yankees’ all-time leader in strikeouts (2,020). Had he not spent a three-season interregnum in Houston, where he compiled 37 victories, he likely would also be the franchise’s all-time leader in wins. Whitey Ford holds that distinction with 236… In his final 10 starts, Pettitte had a 1.94 ERA and was as solid as he had ever been over his 17 seasons. Let the record show that the final two pitchers he faced were named Petit and Clemens. Finally, a tearful Pettitte, who threw 116 pitches in his final start at Houston, put it perfectly and candidly afterward when he said, “It is a shame we have to get old…”

…Of course, as Walter White could tell you, the alternative is even worse…

52 Pick-Up: Happy Birth-and Death-Day, Walt. At least that’s not veggie bacon.

…Speaking of which,  I love “Breaking Bald” almost as much as all of you who were with it from the outset, but –and this is a minor quibble — the show should have ended with Walt entering the red minivan after dropping Holly off at the fire station. That is, two episodes earlier. Yes, we the audience got the cathartic “feel-good” moment of Jesse’s escape and the deaths of Todd, Lydia, Uncle Jack et al., but we didn’t really need it. All of these people, even Jesse, were compromised characters as well as murderers….we never do learn where the money is hidden (maybe Jesse, who was presumably headed to care for Brock, knows)…one of my Twitter followers wondered if the Neo-Nazis ever destroyed the tape of Jesse’s confession, by the way…other contrivances: PBS playing in a bar in New Hampshire, the keys just happening to be atop the visor, Walt being able to slip Ricin into a packet of sweetener, no cops in New Mexico noticing a vehicle with New Hampshire plates (“LIVE FREE OR DIE”), enteiring Skyler’s apartment unseen by law enforcement, the Nazis allowing Walt to park how he liked, never checking the trunk, leaving the keys on the pool table, and not preventing Walt and Jesse from making contact…

…Again, I quibble. The show was so merciless for so long that I would have been fine with Walt’s exodus two episodes ago. That said, the moment with Walt staring back through the dirty window as Flynn enters the apartment, that was as heartbreaking as television gets. Awesome cinematography, too. I still think the most unforgettable moment was Hank looking Walter in the face and saying, “You’re the smartest guy I ever met…and you’re too dumb to see he made up his mind 10 minutes ago…”

Adobe doobie do… Santa Fe and the Sangro de Cristos….

…Finally, I was a high school chemistry teacher. In New Mexico. And my adobe home in Santa Fe actually had a view of the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. How did I NOT THINK OF THIS? Well, because I don’t have Vince Gilligan’s imagination, that’s how. Bravo to all. A truly original show, from the moment we saw Walt’s trousers falling to earth until the camera zoomed up and away from him, lying in his trousers on the floor of his meth lab.

Starting Five

1. Mo-Mentous

Jeter, Pettitte, Rivera and, oh yes, catcher J.R. Murphy (in his 14th career game)

The five greatest New York Yankees of all time:

1) Babe Ruth (3): Baseball’s first home run king, career and season (714 and 60), also has the highest career batting average of any Yankee (.342) and yet still is in the top 20 all-time in career ERA (2.28 in more than 1,200 innings). The greatest baseball player of all time.

2) Lou Gehrig (4) : The New York native and Columbia alum held two  of baseball’s seemingly unsurpassable records, consecutive games played (2,130) and career grand slams (23). Won the Triple Crown in 1934 (even more bizarre because his nickname was “The Iron Horse”). Is also the franchise’s all-time leader in doubles (534), triples (163), and RBI (1,995). The first player in baseball history to have his number retired, Gehrig is one of two Yankees whose name is associated with a disease/surgery. Without him, who would know what “Wally Pipp” meant?

3) Joe DiMaggio (5): The 56-game hitting streak. The Yankee Clipper led the franchise to nine World Series titles in his 13 seasons and was probably the most graceful, naturally gifted center fielder not named Willie Mays in the history of New York baseball. The apotheosis of baseball during its most glorious era, he married the world’s most famous starlet (Marilyn Monroe) and is mentioned in one of Simon & Garfunkel’s most iconic tunes.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: Joltin’ Joe and Marilyn Monroe would have owned the cover of US Weekly for years.

4.) Mariano Rivera (42): 648 career saves, more than anyone in Major League history, and 42 postseason saves, more than double his next closest rival. No. 13 all-time in career ERA (2.20), and the lowest ERA of any pitcher born since Ted Roosevelt took office. The Yankees won 95% of the games that he entered with a lead.

5) Derek Jeter (2): The Yankees’ all-time leader in hits (3,316) and No. 10 all-time in baseball history in that category. Franchise’s all-time leader in Games Played (2,604) and Stolen Bases (348). Led the Yankees to five World Series titles, the most of any franchise in one player era since DiMaggio’s Yankees from 1949-1953.

Sorry, George Costanza, but Mickey Mantle finishes just off the list. I’d put No. 7 at No. 6, closely followed by catcher Yogi Berra (meaning that No. 8 is No. 7).

2. Don’t Go, Cano

Cano to Yankee brass: Come on come through, New York, New York.

ESPN’s Buster Olney only worsens Yankee fans’ day yesterday by reporting that All-Star second baseman Robinson Cano, who seemingly led the Yankees in every category this season except for “Games on the DL” and who will soon be a free agent, wants $305 million over the next 10 years. Cano, who is now represented by RocNation, i.e. Jay-Z, turns 31 next month.

Six of the seven players mentioned above played every game of their career for the Yankees. Ruth, of course, began his career with the Red Sox and ended up with the Yankees in what may have been the dumbest trade of all time (“The Curse of the Bambino”). Does Cano’s place in Yankee history matter more or less to him than an extra $20 million or so? We shall see.

The Yankees, at the moment, appear headed for a decline with Cano being the only marquee player, only All-Star position player, on the roster. He is the draw in the coming years and he knows it –at least until the Yankees outbid the Angels for Mike Trout or some similar atrocity.

3. Jim Delany’s Reese Lansing Moment

Lansing: I can keep my arms folded longer than anyone at this network!

Remember the Season 2 premiere of “The Newsroom?” When Charlie Skinner and Will MacAvoy realize that it is ACN president Reese Lansing who has been leaking sensitive information about “News Night” to the tabloids? And they march self-righteously up to his office –a smaller office than we’d expect — and threaten to air the tape they have that proves that he ordered the phone-hacking of Will MacAvoy’s phone last season?

And do you remember what Reese Lansing says? “Go ahead.”

That defiant moment –I’m calling your bluff –was echoed yesterday by Big Ten (a.k.a. B1G) commish Jim Delany, who essentially said –wait, why not let his words speak for themselves?

“Maybe in football and basketball, it would work better if more kids had a chance to go directly into the professional ranks, If they’re not comfortable and want to monetize, let the minor leagues flourish. Train at IMG, get agents to invest in your body, get agents to invest in your likeness and establish it on your own. But don’t come here and say, ‘We want to be paid $25,000 or $50,000.’ Go to the D-League and get it, go to the NBA and get it, go to the NFL and get it. Don’t ask us what we’ve been doing.

“If an athlete wants to professionalize themselves, professionalize themselves. We’ve been training kids for professional sports. I argue it’s the color, I argue it’s the institution. If you think it’s about you, then talk to John Havlicek about that, you’ve got to talk to Michael Jordan about that. These brands have been built over 100 years.”

THWACK!

Earlier this month an U.S.-record 115,109 fans attended the Notre Dame-Michigan game in person. Sure, no one would have attended if there were no players on the field. However, can you name a single player whose absence would have persuaded any fan –other than that player’s mom– to not attend? No.

We love the brands. The colors, the uniforms, the schools, the tradition. Dotting the “I”, touching Howard’s Rock, watching Scott Wolf pose with the cheerleaders. That is why college football is so popular. Yes, the players have talent, but there are very, very few who are the singular reason we attend a game. Johnny Football is special, but he’s one player out of more than 10,000.

If you allowed most of these players to go pro after high school, to play in a minor league for tens of thousands a year in a town such as Dayton or Little Rock, how many would choose that option over a free education plus coeds plus the cache of suiting up for USC or Oklahoma. Very few, I suspect. So, too, does Jim Delany.

Yesterday a conference commissioner, in protecting football, played hardball.

And he had a point.

4. Dexter: Sociopath of Least Resistance

Dexter: I kept wondering how the gang from “CSI: Miami” never caught on to him.

It’s not news that we are in a golden age of television, which is why so many of us don’t attend as many movies as we used to do. That and the fact that one night at the movies can cost half your cable bill if you bring a date (and, egads!, pay for her). So yes, Bono, we are told this is the golden age, particularly on Sunday nights: cult-like viewing of “Homeland” segues into cult-like viewing of “Game Of Thrones” segues into cult-like viewing of “Mad Men” segues into cult-like viewing of “The Newsroom” and “Breaking Bad”, which segues into cult-like viewing of “Boardwalk Empire.”

Honestly, you listened to Will Ferrell rattle off the names of the “Best Drama” nominees at the Emmys on Sunday night and you think, it’s a little like attempting to hold a Most Venal Texas Politician contest. Too many worthy candidates.

Then there is “Dexter”, which stars Michael C. Hall (who is not the kid from “Sixteen Candles” and “The Breakfast Club”) as a Miami serial killer whose victims all had it coming. For seven seasons “Dexter’s” fans were among the most loyal in TV land, constantly urging us to watch, telling us that it was the best show on TV. And who knows, perhaps they were correct.

Then came this, the eighth and final season. The “Dexter” bandwagon was abandoned even more swiftly than the America’s Cup bandwagon grew. Fans were irate (“Oh cool, thanks for wasting five years of my life,”tweeted Joe P. Clements of Tallahasssee, who may himself be a serial killer) not only at how the season progressed but also with the finale. Suddenly “Dexter” became “The Dirty Game” of 2013 TV, complete with showrunner Scott Buck and executive producer Scott Colleton sitting down with Entertainment Weekly in an effort to defend the choices that they made.

Jason Whitlock has never seen an episode of “Dexter”, but has decided that he hates it because, if you’ve seen anything else Scott Buck has done, and he doesn’t mean this personally, the guy couldn’t spell “cat.”

5. And Now, a Word From Our Sponsors…

The Grotto: Candles in the wind…

Okay, not really, but I did want to promote the launch of “The Grotto”, a weekly podcast that I will host that will concentrate on Notre Dame football, college football and any pop culture news that you and I find intriguing. Here is the inaugural podcast, starring Chicago Tribune writer Brian Hamilton, a good –and honest –friend of mine who has been covering the Fighting Irish since 2007.

The Grotto: http://TheGrotto.podbean.com/mf/web/bwv7db/TheGrottoEp1.mp3

As Brian noted on the cast, the first Notre Dame game that he covered was also known as “the Demetrius Jones Era.” I asked Brian if, considering that Jones never saw the field again for the Irish after the 33-3 home loss to Georgia Tech while he is still covering them seven seasons later, he ever feels envious toward Jones. Also, Brian mentioned that the first live action Notre Dame football he saw was the 2007 Blue-Gold Game and that the game’s MVP was….do you recall?…

….

….

….Junior Jabbie. Yes, Junior Jabbie. The J.R. Murphy of Notre Dame football.

Anyway, we’ll have “The Grotto” up every week and this version is certainly a rough cut. As pilots go, it’s no “The Wonder Years”, but I’ll improve. And I’ll line up similarly fantastic guests, even if they don’t know it yet.

Special thanks, by the way, to our podcast producer Brian Foy, whose idea this all was.

Remote Patrol

Breaking Bald: Series Finale

Sunday, 9 p.m.

Walter White: He’s come a long way…unfortunately.

Will Walt stop at a Cinnabon in Omaha before returning to Albuquerque to take out Uncle Jack and the Neo-Nazis? Will Jesse put the lotion in the basket? Will Todd’s crush on Lydia go unrequited? Will Skyler and Marie ever sit down together to watch “Mystic Pizza?” Will Walt, Jr., change his name? Will anyone associated with this series ever again  “have an A-1 day?”

Starting Five

1. Yacht-See!!!

(the judges will also accept, “Hist-Oracle!”)

Starboard Stripes Forever! Oracle completes the “Sail of the Century” with its dramatic Race 19 victory.

“Do you believe in Oracles? Yes!”

(Thanks to my Twitter brother, @okerland, for that).

Oracle Team USA completes its highly unlikely comeback from an 8-1 race deficit versus Emirates New Zealand to win the 2013 America’s Cup, a.k.a. “Ultimate Yachting Championship 34.” In the process sport sets a new standard for “bandwagon fans” –Did anyone outside of San Francisco and the Newport Yacht Club even know this regatta was taking place before Tuesday? And if you were upset on Tuesday because NBC Sports Network was pre-empting “The Crossover” with Michelle Beadle in favor of the AC, how did you feel yesterday after you learned that the program had been canceled.

Oracle won the final race by a margin of some 500 meters, but officials claim that their victory was wind-aided.

Also, as Barry Petchesky of Deadspin noted, only one of the 11-man Oracle crew is actually American (yes, we’re even out-sourcing our miraculous American sports comebacks now). Four of the sailors are Aussies, two are Kiwis (yes, we beat a New Zealand vessel while using more New Zealanders than Yanks), and then one each from the USA, Great Britain, Holland, Italy and Antigua.

What does the comeback mean in terms of the context of sport? To paraphrase sports’ ultimate philosopher, Yogi Berra, “It’s knot over ’til it’s over.”

2. Beadlemania Takes a Hit

What’s next for Beadle? She could always become the Robin Quivers of The Herd.

NBC Sports Network’s “The Crossover” is over.

Less than one year into its run, and after the release of co-host Dave Briggs, the show’s Houston Astros’-like ratings fueled the show’s demise. Or, as Stephen Douglas of “The Big Lead” tweeted, “If Beadle’s show is canceled, what show won’t I watch on whatever network that was on?”

NBC should’ve given Beadle one final show in which the Turk knocks on her dressing room door and says, “Coach wants to see you. Oh, and bring your IFB and note cards.”

Beadle, my Riverside Drive neighbor (only our incomes are in different zip codes), did not go quietly. At least not in the Twitterverse. After the Turk told her to hand in her playbook, she tweeted, “Hey, guys. Even Tom Hanks had ‘Bosom Buddies.’ #LetsSmile

Then she appeared to do a little venting. It began with this: “To do overs, bitches!!!”

Then it got weird. A parody account –@NotAdamTheBull , which I’m guessing is a parody of the Cleveland-based sports DJ of that name — tweeted, “Listen! Dats what she gets fur being a B ta my guy @davebriggstv babaaay! What a disaaasta!” And then Briggs, who seems to be kind of a tool, quoted the tweet and added, “Classic.”

Briggs: Tool Time.

So that TV marriage was never Lucy and Ricky. Not even Beadle and Cowherd. And thus I have to ask: Who’s the genius at NBC Sports who thought a snarky wisenheimer such as Beadle would be a solid pairing with a dude whose Twitter bio extols “the love of my life, Brandi” and who lives in Westport, Conn.? Shouldn’t that exec also be, um, canceled?

Beadle actually issued a warning shot to Briggs after that on Twitter, but later took it down. Briggs also appears to have taken down his tweet.  Never delete a tweet (That’s Rule No. 6).

3. Do NOT Hurt The Atlanta Braves’ Feelings!

If our basepaths should cross again…

For the second time in the past fortnight, hostilities erupted at a baseball game after the Braves, and particularly catcher Brian McCann, took umbrage at a hitter admiring his home run.

Sept 11: Miami Marlins ace Jose Fernandez, who is just 21, clouts his first Major League home run and stands a moment too long to admire it. As CBS Sports explains, the Braves’ Chris Johnson might have instigated this scene earlier. And he certainly didn’t help matters after. Anyway, McCann felt the need to explain baseball’s “code” to Fernandez and both benches emptied. Fernandez appeared genuinely surprised by the Braves’ reaction.

Sept. 25: Carlos Gomez of the Brewers, just the second batter of the game, approaches home plate and McCann jaws with him before the first pitch. Then Gomez hits a homer to left center and struts up the first base line. McCann then stood in his path about 15 feet up from home plate. Again, benches emptied.

We’re with Bomani Jones, who requests a Dodgers-Braves playoff series so that we can witness Yasiel Puig offend the Braves’ sense of decorum. Please let this happen.

4. Jon Stewart Launches a Ted Cruz Missile

Why so many tools in today’s MH?

I’ve been alive long enough to be sure of one thing: I would make a better U.S. senator or congressman than most of the tools we have elected. And so would you. And so, most certainly

Watch how Jon Stewart deconstructs and destroys the filibuster of Republican Texas senator Ted Cruz, he of the Princeton undergrad degree and the Harvard law degree (summa cum laude).

I’ll extract the best moments:

A) Cruz compares the coming Obamacare universe to Nazi Germany (because that analogy always goes down easily).

B) Cruz: “I am going to speak in support of defunding Obamacare until I am no longer physically able to stand.” Stewart: “It’s easy for you to take that kind of risk; you’ve got government health care.”

C) Cruz: “Some time ago I tweeted a speech that Ashton Kutcher gave…such a terrific speech…” Stewart: “You’ve outsourced your intellect and wisdom to a dude who cannot find his car?”

D) Cruz reads from “Green Eggs and Ham.” Stewart’s retort: “So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go with a book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it. And when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit, after tasting it, this is good #$%&.”

BAM! Checkmate.

And this guy, Ted Cruz, won debating contests in the Ivy League. Maybe the Ivy League isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

SI’s Twitter 100

On The List:

Mario Balotelli, who last tweeted 20 days ago and primarily tweets in Italian (he’s a soccer star, not a chef, by the way).

Blake Griffin, who last tweeted in mid-August and never tweeted about the birth of his son with Brynn Cameron.

The San Francisco Giants and the Boston Celtics. Just because.

Brian Kelly, who most likely does not even run his own feed.

Tennis Reporters, because most of us cannot get enough tennis news. “Rafi, Serena, Rafi, Serena, Rafi, Topless Photos of Sharapova, Rafi, Serena….”

Not On The List (and why this list is wanting)

Jason McIntyre, Stephen Douglas or Tyler Duffy of The Big Lead.

Cecil Hurt, as witty a sports writer as anyone on Twitter.

Jason Gay. Ditto.

(Points two thumbs at own chest)

Simply put, it’s a poor list and it appears there’s some personal favor going on here. USA Today quickly posted a list of 20 additional follows, but any list that doesn’t include Douglas or Hurt is lacking.

Remote Patrol

Breaking Bald Marathon

AMC ALL DAY!!!!!!

Pant-o-mine.

If you’ve only caught on to Walt and Jesse’s meth-cellent adventure recently, set your DVR to AMC and catch up. The marathon began last night, as our pilot begins with Walter’s Dockers falling helplessly to terra firma. The same Dockers he would come across two Sundays ago in Ozymandias. Of course, those of you who already have Netflix can turn your nose up on my excitement.

Starting Five

1. Mast Appeal

Lost at sea? The Kiwis (above) have lost seven races in a row to their American hosts.

The America’s Cup has taken such a dramatic tack in the past few days, one wonders if it is not…rigged.

One week ago in San Francisco Bay, Oracle Team USA trailed Emirates New Zealand eight races to one and appeared ready to bow out. Then they tried a different tack. Ever since, the crew that is bankrolled by billionaire Larry Ellison has won seven consecutive races –rendering the Kiwis regatta de blanked — and evened up the race for the “auld mug”, an event that was initially staged before the abolition of slavery (1851). One wonders whether Ellison gave the crew a stern lecture.

After Oracle won two races yesterday to knot the series at 8-8, skipper Jimmy Spithill, said, “There’s this huge wave of momentum now that we’ve been riding…” Hey, Jimmy. I’ll handle the puns here, capisce?

The deciding race, weather permitting, will be staged today and air on NBC Sports Network, which has made this absolutely thrilling television. Really. You should watch. The finale should be rudder chaos.

I should add that Team Oracle has actually already won 10 races to the Kiwis’ eight, but was docked a two-point penalty for cheating in last year’s America’s Cup World Series warm-up event. Really, America, really? )

Anyway, the America’s Cup, the oldest international sporting trophy (Brynn Cameron being the youngest) is now the venue for one of the all-time great comebacks in sports history. Experts are declaring this the most dramatic America’s Cup in the event’s 162-year history. Don’t be a jibe turkey: tune in.

2. Penn Statement

Two Saturdays ago Central Florida, a school that did not even exist when Joe Paterno became head coach at Penn State in 1966, beat the Nittany Lions in State College.

Do you remember the episode in Season 1 of “Happy Days” in which Richie Cunningham is “grounded for life” by his dad after being arrested for his participation in a midnight drag race? Of course you don’t–it was 1974, you weren’t even born yet. Anyway, it happened. But then Howard commuted the sentence to two weeks –after all, Richie was not even on Mollys when he broke curfew.

Ron Howard: Nearly 40 years after starting a drag race, he directs a film on F-1 racing. Hmmm.

ANYWAY, yesterday the NCAA decided to roll back the overall severity of the punishments it handed out to Penn State more than a year ago. The football program, which is only allowed to mete out 15 scholarships annually now, will be allowed to dole out 20 next year and a full 25 the year after that. Also, its bowl ban may be rescinded.

“Due to Penn State University’s continued progress toward ensuring athletics integrity, the NCAA Executive Committee is gradually restoring football scholarships the university lost because of sanctions more than a year ago,” the NCAA said in a statement released yesterday.

NCAA grand poobah Mark Emmert, the man initially responsible for those punishments (which also included a $60 million fine), said, “It should not be seen as a precedent of handling other cases but in fact an
example of the uniqueness of the circumstances.”

In the words of another 1970s sitcom icon, Col. Sherman T. Potter, “Horse hockey!”

Emmert: Objects in photo may be smaller than they appear.

Taken at face value, the NCAA’s pat on the back to the Nittany Lions, on their “progress”, can be construed as, “The school is no longer covering up the rapes of young boys by former assistant coaches.” Because, really, what else was Penn State the football program guilty of? That’s why this act of mercy by Emmert and his cronies is so hollow. Because instead of admitting its own culpability in this fiasco, the NCAA did the right thing but provided the wrong reason.

And the timing of it –Penn State losing at home to UCF while Beaver Stadium is not even filled up– is curious. That bald dude you see wearing the Cheshire cat grin is B1G commish Jim Delany. I imagine he twisted a few arms in Indianapolis.

We’ll give the final word to USC, which is still enduring sanctions for crimes far less injurious than the ones committed at Penn State. Tweeted coach Fire Lane Kiffin yesterday, “Congrats to coach Bill O’Brien and his team.” I don’t always love FLK, but I do on this one.

1. It’s Raining Blows (and Blowhards)

Monahan (left) and Baskin. I see a high-pressure system between the two.

This meteorological meltdown was brought to my attention by Jeff Pearlman.

Little Rock, Ark. Jeff Baskin (Fox 16) and Keith Monahan (KARK) provide on-air weather retorts (““Pay no attention to what some cajun who has married all 5 of his cousins at some point says…”) after disagreeing on the chances of rain on Sunday. That led to a challenge to “meet outside” and then everything got all gang-war-scene-from-Anchorman as members of both news teams allegedly entered the fray. Limited reports have produced no evidence of anyone being stabbed with a trident.

My favorite line in the story: “Monahan entered the weather center the two stations share while Baskin was reviewing his forecast and having mascara applied.” Nice touch.

Chapter and Verse

Kudos to SI for calling the breakout story of the 2013 NFL season a month ago.

Last night’s 6 p.m. ESPN “SportsCenter” was almost entirely devoted (it may have been entirely devoted, but I gave up after half an hour) the life and times of Denver Bronco quarterback Peyton Manning. See, later in the evening ESPN would premiere its latest doc, “The Book of Manning”, so SportsCenter chose to use its hour as an “18-chapter” overview of all things Peyton. See, cuz that’s his jersey number (one more reason to prefer Brett Favre…who, by the way, at age 43, says he’s in the best shape of his life).

That’s a whole lot of Peyton Manning after just three NFL weekends. Yes, he’s awesome. His alma mater named a street after him (Peyton Manning Pass… I wonder if they’ll ever name a road after their greatest defensive end and name it Reggie White Dead End…too soon?). He was the best SNL host of any sports figure and he will likely break every meaningful passing record in NFL history and is in the midst of the most prolific stretch of his career.

Got it. But why has Bristol, Conn., become Peyton Place? Could it be because the producers there have become so character-driven and that they don’t have Tim Tebow to kick around any more? And because Favre’s gone and RG3 has fallen off the radar? Might that be it? The ongoing Manning hagiography might just be an attempt to fill the void.

Deadspin Tackles SI

Pistol Pete: You have to love a mascot with a five o’clock shadow.

That website that “watches the watchers”, Deadspin, nuked Sports Illustrated’s five-part investigation of Oklahoma State, “The Dirty Game”, yesterday. Not only was Deadspin’s reports produced in less than two weeks –as opposed to the 10 months SI spent on its series —  but was also far more thorough and documented than SI’s.

Plus, you have to admire the cojones of Deadspin here. One week earlier it persuaded the magazine’s two principal editorial figures to engage in an on-line chat to clear the air about the controversial investigation. At the very same time Deadspin was already in the midst of its own investigation as to SI’s standards and practices in reporting the story. That’s both diabolical and brilliant or, in other words, very Deadspin of them.

“‘The Dirty Game’ was ultimately as shallow and cross-sectional as its reporting,” concluded the author, Dom Cosentino, who failed to disclose how many pairs of cowboy boots he wore out while reporting this piece. “SI couldn’t use individual grievance to illuminate the university’s failings—and, ultimately, show how those are rooted in the conceptual bankruptcy of amateurism—because it had hardly investigated the university.The magazine couldn’t describe the pathologies, mechanisms, and structures of power because it had barely looked into them.. At the exact point where the hard work started, SI stopped.”

Reserves

Non-troversy Alert: Kevin Durant versus Dwyane Wade. It’s a list composed by an editor who probably cannot make more than four out of 10 free throws. Who cares?

Ted Cruz: Definitely not as chill as Taio Cruz. The senator from Texas (of course) has the rest of his colleagues throwing their hands up in the air sometimes saying, “Ay-o, gotta let go.” Filibusters are just democracy’s answer to hiding the keys to the liquor cabinet.

Wacha Wacha Wacha: Fozzy Bear’s favorite pitcher, rookie Michael Wacha of the St. Louis Cardinals, comes within one out of hurling a no-hitter last night against the Washington Nationals. He’s only 22, but even Statler and Waldorf approve of him.

Remote Patrol

America’s Cup

NBC Sports Net 4 p.m.

Okay, I’m guessing here. I believe that NBC Sports Network, which aired live coverage of yesterday’s regatta, will do so again today. The added viewer benefit is that it preempts “The Crossover.” So there’s that. Anyway, tune in.

Starting Five

1. College Gridders Unite For Kwik-E Mart Clerk

Me, I cheer for the Colorado State Ashrams.

On Saturday, a select few players from Georgia Tech and Northwestern, including Wildcat quarterback Kain Colter, adorned their gear with the letters APU, which was not an homage to a beloved character from “The Simpsons.” (“Mr. Simpson, a Mounds bar is not a sprinkle”). Instead, the letters stood for “All Players United”, a show of solidarity by players who want NCAA reform.

The campaign was launched by the NCP (National Collegiate Players Association), which was founded by Ramogi Huma, a former gridder at UCLA (“It’s always UCLA,” a frustrated NCAA legal counsel fumes). Anyway, that’s cool and all, but if the players truly want to send a message, they could refuse to take the field for five minutes at the start of a game. That would put a scare into Mark Emmert and the lads from Indy.

2. The Big Eight: Stanford Soars

(One man’s –and Harris Poll voter’s– ranking of the eight best teams in college football…as always, based solely on on-field performance.)

1. Alabama (3-0)

Nick Saban is not amused. Doesn’t matter what the topic, he is not amused. Next up, No. 21 Mississippi (that’s Mississippi, Jim Harper, not Michigan).

2. Oregon (3-0)

Ducks’ “We’ll Cover The Spread” Offense meets a defense that is allowing 42 points per game. By the way, the nation’s leading passer plays in Oregon and his name is not Marcus Mariota. Yup, it’s Oregon State’s Sean Mannion. Next up, Cal.

The September Heisman fave is not even the most prolific quarterback in his own state right now.

3. Stanford (3-0)

The Cardinal were up 29-0 versus ranked Arizona State when David Shaw decided to download iOS7 and got a little distracted. Next up, at Washington State.

4. Clemson (3-0)

The Tigers remain the only team thus far to have beaten an opponent that was ranked fifth or above (No. 5 Georgia) at the time. Next up, Wake Forest (this’ll get ugly).

5. Ohio State (4-0)

When your backup quarterback (Kenny Guiton) throws for six touchdowns — in the first half –, you have a solid team. Next up, No. 24 Wisconsin.

6. Florida State (3-0)

If Jesus did have a jersey number, my suspicion is that he’d opt for No. 3.

Someone in Tallahassee is peddling “Jesus-themed” Jameis Winston T-shirts and the Seminole athletic department is not amused. “On the third down he rose again, in fulfillment of the scriptures…” Next up, at fellow garnet-and-gold clad ACC member Boston College.

7. LSU (4-0)

So Tiger QB Zach Mettenberger’s mom works in Georgia’s football offices? Mark Richt has lost control of the secretarial pool! Next up, at No. 9 Georgia.

8. Texas A&M (3-1)

Mayweather earned a guaranteed $41.5 Mil for his bout with Canelo Alvarez earlier this month, so this wager represented 0.5% of that.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather thrilled about Johnny Football’s 29-point victory over SMU last Saturday. Actually, he was thrilled that the Aggies led 32-6 at the half, which crushed the 17.5-point first half spread, which netted the pugilist –and wagering– legend $200,000. Next up, at Arkansas.

3. Best Way To Forget That Steelers Are 0-3

Barry Bonds earned $4.8 Mil with Pirates in 1992. Andrew McCutchen is earning $4.7 Mil with Pirates in 2013.

The Pittsburgh Pirates clinch their first playoff berth in 21 years just one night after the Steelers lost to the Chicago Bears at Heinz Field by 18 points. In 1979 Sports Illustrated named Pirate first baseman Willie Stargell and Steeler QB Terry Bradshaw its Sportsmen of the Year, as both men had led their Steel City squads to championships. Sister Sledge deserved to make the cover, too, but were denied.

Since that year, 1979, both the Pirates and Steelers have only appeared in the playoffs in the same calendar year in 1992 (Steelers lost in the divisional playoff to the Bills, 24-3 and the Pirates–Francisco Cabrera, what more needs to be said?). Anyway, Yinzers, congrats on the postseason berth. Sorry to be such a buzz kill.

 4. Brynn There, Done That

Cameron’s sons are named Cole and Ford, which must leave former USC placekicker Cole Ford non-plussed.

TMZ is reporting that former USC basketball player Brynn Cameron, who is the mother of former Trojan Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Matt Leinart’s son, recently gave birth to a son sired by Los Angeles Clipper forward and former NCAA Player of the Year/No. 1 overall draft pick Blake Griffin. The baby’s name is Ford (not KIA?) Wilson Cameron-Griffin. Cameron, who was already receiving $15,000 per month in child support from Leinart per TMZ (which is correct more often than people give it credit for), is in line for another big pay day. Griffin earned more than twice as much in 2012 ($7.2 million to $3 million) than Leinart did.

Emmys Attendees Not In ‘Hard Knocks’ Core Demographic

Sabols’ 35 Emmy awards outnumbered the total that were handed out on Sunday night (in terms of categories, at least).

While watching the Emmys’ death montage the other night, I tweeted something to the effect that, “If no one clapped for me during the Emmys death montage, it would kill me.” (Humblebrag Alert: as a two-time Sports Emmy winner, will I be part of the Sports Emmys death montage? Answer: No, because they don’t have one…and even if they did…No.).

Anyway, the keen lads at Deadspin decided to monitor audience applause to see who received the most and least applause on Sunday night, and would you believe that both men (sort of) had sports affiliations. Jack Klugman, who played slovenly sports scribe Oscar Madison on “The Odd Couple” (an all-time top-five sitcom, and I shall brook no argument on this front) earned the most claps. The least clappage was given to Sir David Frost, but his image was the first to appear so maybe the audience was still in shock –and perhaps still recovering from that Carrie Underwood performance– but after that, no one received less clappage than NFL Films genius Steve Sabol.

(That sound you hear is former “Hard Knocks” producer and FOMH –Friend Of Medium Happy—Chris Corbellini tossing his Patriot helmet at the wall).

Is there a solution to this? Maybe during the preceding commercial the host –and next year it should be Will Ferrell and his three sons, no?– should ask the audience to hold its applause until after all the names are read?