by John Walters

Sit on it! The Fonz turns 70 today.

Starting Five

In or out? You tell me.

1. Quack-12 After Sark

The Pac-12 hottest new nightclub is “Tempe’s Tillman Tempest!” It has everything! A kickoff run back for a TD, Tess & Jess (but not David: a punishment for last week’s fine northern California whine?), the world’s shortest Hail Mary pass (to force overtime), three overtimes, the most points scored in one contest this season (61-55, or 116), a funny joke from Twitter about this being the longest uninterrupted stretch of time that Oregon has ever worn the same uniform, a team of “Tillman,” a guy named Stanford scoring two touchdowns for Oregon, Bercovici playing well but failing to come though on the Bercoveni, Bercovidi, Bercovici thing, a falling tight end trick play for a TD…

…an overturned INT by the Ducks (that did not seem to have INDISPUTABLE evidence) and the above game-winning TD by the Ducks that was NOT overturned (even though it sure looked to us that the the toe went into the white area) and reminded those of us who are old enough of that episode of the Brady Bunch where Greg took a photo of the receiver’s foot landing out of bounds (or was it inbounds) that I will contend to my death bed was the beginning of “under further review” (deep breath), and, oh, in the Valley of the Sun, a game-ending INT on a slant-in pass from 2 yards out, a salute to Valley native Darrell Bevell (who called a similar play in SB49), made by a dude named Arrion Springs, who sounds like a wonderful place for a four-day weekend.

2. Who Needs On-Deck Circles, Anyway?

The Mets (LGM!) are installing VIP seats for Game 3 on either side of home plate that seem obnoxious even for New York. It’s “Meet the Mets!”, not “Smell the Mets!” If you’re wondering how pricey these seats are, they’re not even up for sale. They’re going to members of MLB, the Mets and VIPs. I think we’re all hoping for a screaming liner that runs foul, no?

3. Post-erized

Doing the Surrender Cobra: Sad Abdul-Salaam, amirite, Emirate?

If he had attempted to do this, I doubt Sporting KC’s Saad Abdul-Salaam would have been able to perform this foot feat in fewer than 20 tries: Have your shot hit one post, then ricochet off the other, and never cross the line for a goal. That it happened during the penalty kicks phase of a knockout round game in the MLS playoffs at Portland only makes it more painful.

Kansas City fans will eventually get over this. Perhaps as soon as this evening.

4. “It is Balloon!”*

(The judges will also accept “I Heart Huckabee’s Rant”)

*Rule No. 643: Never miss an opportunity to drop in an F-Troop reference.

Before this kerfuffle, um, floats away, I think we need to address the runaway blimp. Better yet, we need to address how Mike Huckabee was so deftly able to turn it into a metaphor for government during Wednesday’s night’s debate only hours after this became a national story. My primary question: Why were John Oliver‘s writers moonlighting for the Huckabee campaign? I’m sorry, this rant was simply too good for it to have been conjured on the fly.

Here it is:

“It’s a perfect example of government,” the former Arkansas governor said. “What we had was something that government made. Basically a bag of gas that cuts loose, destroys everything in its path, leaves thousands of people powerless. But they couldn’t get rid of it because we had too much money invested in it. So we had to keep it.”

Well done, Mike.

5. Where In The World?

Yesterday: Tindholmur, the Faroe Islands

Music 101

Black Gold

The early Nineties were the last throes of MTV’s musical relevance — not coincidentally, it was also when the first season of Real World aired — and Soul Asylum were one of the last bands to really break big on the network. While “Runaway Train” was the big single from 1992’s Grave Dancer’s Union album, this one always seemed to have more more meat on the bone. And if you like that one, this one is even more unappreciated.

Remote Patrol

No. 9 Notre Dame at No. 21 Temple

Saturday ABC 8 p.m.

Owl be seeing you, Jahad Thomas

First of all, I’m referring to the College GameDay location as “Independents Hall’ tomorrow. Second, Temple of Doomed. The Owls are 1-41 all-time versus ranked teams and they’re playing a Fighting Irish team that is not only coming off a bye week but also off a week of fall break (no classes last week). Third, in their two previous road games this season the Irish needed a last-minure go route to Will Fuller to beat Virginia and then lost by 2 at Clemson, so I think Brian Kelly has their attention. I don’t think this will be close, actually.

by John Walters

Happy Birthday to the “smart” Angel, Kate Jackson!

It was a night of Marco Rubio, Ricky Rubio, and Marco Belinelli. Let’s get started, shall we?

Starting Five

Looking forward to when the GOP varsity has fewer members than your standard special teams unit in football.

1. “Marco?”

Who won the third GOP debate? Ryan Tannehill, Gronk and perhaps the young senator from Florida even though it was shown that he never shows up for work and he’s really bad at personal finance.

“Florida Man” x 2

Who lost? CNBC and Jeb Bush. My favorite moment was when Rand Paul said, “Government’s too big now,” as he shared a stage with 10 other candidates, taking part in the 3rd GOP debate, with the general election still more than a full calendar year away.

I agreed with Ted Cruz when he took CNBC to task for asking such divisive questions (noted: first time I have ever agreed with Cruz), but going after the media is such low-hanging fruit. Still, the candidates sensed blood in the water and went after John Harwood, Becky Quick and Carl Quintanilla.

Dr. Ben Carson. The less you say, the smarter you sound.

When Quick asked Trump about his having called Rubio “Mark Zuckerberg’s personal senator,” he denied it. You can quibble with Quick for even having brought this topic up, but where she really erred was asking the vulnerable question to a master of put-downs, “Where did I read this?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “You people write this stuff.”

But here’s the thing. Trump actually did say this –or one of his speech writers did — on his own blog. A better prepared, or quicker, Quick, would have noted this.

                      “Rubio!”

2. “Johnny?”

What can I say? It was a terrific night for Caribbeans (we even feature one in the Music 101 section). Johnny Cueto pitches a complete game, 2-hit, perfect-except-for-Duda shutout of the Mets as K.C. takes a 2-0 Series lead with a 7-1 win. And to think that the LGM! were two outs away from being up 1-0 last night with Jacob de-autocorrects-to-Legroom-every-time-I-type-it coming up next.

                                “Cueto!”

3. “Ricky?”

Yes, Kobe Bryant returned (you were missed) and scored 24 points last night, but Ricky Rubio scored a game-high — and career-high — 28 points (and made 6 of 7 free throws, natch!) as the T-Wolves won, 112-111, at Staples. Rubio also had 14 assists. Has he finally turned the corner? And who’s tutoring him?

The Knicks won by 25…the Suns lost by 15 at home, as Markeiff Morris scored just 4 points on 1 of 6 shooting (Jon Leueur, who had a team-high 14, will soon be everyone in Phoenix’s favorite Sun)….C.J. McCollum had 22 first-quarter points and scored a game-high 37 as the Blazers ripped the Pelicans….Jahlil Okafor scored 26 in his debut for the Sixers…and beloved halftime act Red Panda made her return after missing last year with injuries in Memphis, which was almost as big as Kobe’s return.

Red Panda: no turnovers

“Rubio!”

4. Taylor Swift and Chuck Klosterman Do Lunch

This actually was taken in August. We can’t be on top of every story here at MH.

I’m less a fan of Taylor Swift’s music than I am or her mind. I love this quote she gives to Klosterman in his GQ cover story:

I used to watch Behind the Music every day,” she says. (Her favorite episode was the one about the Bangles.) “When other kids were watching normal shows, I’d watch Behind the Music. And I would see these bands that were doing so well, and I’d wonder what went wrong. I thought about this a lot. And what I established in my brain was that a lack of self-awareness was always the downfall. That was always the catalyst for the loss of relevance and the loss of ambition and the loss of great art. So self-awareness has been such a huge part of what I try to achieve on a daily basis. It’s less about reputation management and strategy and vanity than it is about trying to desperately preserve self-awareness, since that seems to be the first thing to go out the door when people find success.”

5. Where In The World?

Wednesday’s Answer: The Orpheum theater, Vancouver, B.C. 

Music 101

Umbrella

As debuts go, go ahead and try to top this 2007 tune by Rihanna. She’s that superstar who looks as if she were born to be one, and she has the voice to pull it off. The song was originally written for Britney Spears but her label rejected it. Then it hit No. 1 for seven consecutive weeks and became a big sella, sella, sella.

Remote Patrol

West Virginia at No. 5 TCU

ESPN FS1 7:30 p.m.

I love this photo, by the way….

Trevone Boykin’s Heisman push starts tonight. The Horned Frogs have played no one yet, but tonight they have a prime time national TV audience and in November they get three opponents currently ranked in the Top 14. Boykin is fun to watch– he’s No. 2 in Total Offense (425 ypg) and No. 5 in Passing Offense (362 ypg) — but his only shot at the Heisman is some magic and probably leading an undefeated team though the Big 12 schedule.

by John Walters

Pretty Woman turns 48. Happy Birthday!

Starting Five

With three hitless innings of relief, Chris Young becomes the tallest Princeton alum ever to win a World Series game (I did not fact-check that)

1. National Past-My-Bedtime

When Game 1 of the World Series began last night, not a single NBA team had completed a game in the 2015-16 season. By the time it ended, 14 innings or  5 hours and 9 minutes later, the Cavs were in last place and Steph Curry had already raced to the front of the MVP conversation with a 40-point performance.

Rudy Martzke-inspired “Dreaded Glitch:” Where were you when Joe Buck’s promo for The Grinder led to a blackout and then a Gehrig-for-Pipp exchange as Matt Vasgersian and John Smoltz’s international feed stepped in?

2. And That’s Only Game 1

Colon, 42, could easily have gone 42 innings. No one disputes this.

Power Outage? Check.

Tom Verducci making 2 or more pop culture references, not all of them seamless? Check (The Beatles and Elvis).

Pitcher pitching without knowing his father died while most everyone on Twitter did? Check.

Asking Lo Cain, who had never successfully sacrifice bunted, to bunt in the 8th inning? Check.

Piers Morgan asking on Twitter why it’s called the World Series when only North American teams can win it? I don’t know, why don’t you ask your pal Donald why it’s called Miss Universe, check.

A game that accurately draws references to Babe Ruth (first pitcher to win a 14-inning World Series contest, in 1916) and Bill Buckner (last first baseman to make an error leading to a go-ahead run in the 8th inning or later)? Check.

An inside-the-park- home run? Check.

An outside-the-park home run? Check.

Joe Torre sighting? Check.

Bartolo Colon sighting and all the attendant jokes (“I can’t believe someone has let him play all these years with an allergic reaction”)? Check.

A tangential Jeff Bradley reference (brother of Scott, who was mentioned)? Check.

The Three Six Mafia, or their doppelgängers, sitting/standing in the front row behind home plate? Check.

Marlins Man? Check.

A fan in a neon green shirt making a splendid snag of a screaming liner foul ball? Check.

Erin Andrews’ voice becoming even more nasally after midnight? Check.

Joe Buck making a joke about FOX’s power problem (“We’ve got plenty of quarters for the generator, we can go all night”)? Check.

Ben Zobrist continuously ripping screaming liners to right and right-center? Check.

Eric Hosmer being the goat? Check.

Game-tying home run in the bottom of the ninth? Alex Gordon, check.

Bill Simmons, on Twitter, offering Joe Buck $500 to ask A-Rod if he feels a kinship to Bartolo since both were busted for PEDs? Check.

Eric Hosmer being the hero? Check.

3. Kill Retires

It’s also Lauren “So you’re saying there’s a chance?” Holly’s birthday today. Sorry, Jerry.

Minnesota Golden Gopher Jerry Kill, 54, retires not one week after Minnesota Timberwolves basketball coach Flip Saunders, 60, dies of complications related to cancer treat. There’s handwriting, and theres’ the wall.

Kill suffers from epilepsy, as you know, and has suffered a pair of sideline seizures in his tenure with Minnesota. He’s done a solid job with that Big Ten team. Associate head coach Tracy Claeys will take over with Michigan, coming off a bye week and still chapped about the MSU loss, coming to town.

4. Dear, Abby

Just one day after the premiere of Supergirl, another super girl bids adieu

The leading goal scorer in the history of international soccer, Abby Wambach, retires. Wambach, no relation to Judge Wambach from Picket Fences (so many Lauren Holly references in one post), scored 184 goals, 77 of them on headers alone. The 35 year-old has 252 caps since making her international debut in 2001 and The Guardian referred to her as “talismanic,” which does not mean that she hails from an island just off the coast of Australia (I think it means “provoking a remarkable or powerful influence on others, not unlike Skip Bayless”).

5. Where In The World?

Hint: in North America

Yesterday: Looking out onto the Atlantic from the Rua Augusta Arch in Lisbon.

Here’s an alternate view:

Music 101

Young Girl

Is this 1968 classic from Gary Puckett and the Union Gap on Jared Fogle’s playlist? Oh, sure, like the same thought didn’t occur to you? Subject matter notwithstanding, Puckett has an outstanding voice. I’m sure I listened to this tune a thousand times in the back of the wood-paneled station wagon as a lad without having the slightest clue what it was about.

Two items: 1) The song climbed to No. 2 for 3 weeks, but could not overtake Otis Redding’s “Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay.” 2) Puckett was born in Hibbing, Minnesota, in 1942, or 10 months after fellow Hibbing native Bob Dylan.

Remote Patrol

GOP Debate No. 3

CNBC 8 p.m.

World Series Game 2

FOX 8 p.m.

Do you go with “Heeeeere’s Johnny” or with Carson?

In the polls, at least. Ben Carson, M.D., is your current leader. It’s a CNBC-staged debate, so if there is not a lightning round, I’m going to be disappointed. Jacob deGrom against Johnny Cueto is the mane attraction in K.C.

by John Walters

Happy 30th Birthday to BQQB!

Starting Five

Garnett (51) rag-dolled two U-Dub defenders on this run by Daniel Marx (right),, including JoJo McIntosh (left). “Get back, JoJo!”

1. Red, White and Bruise

If you stayed up late to watch even more college football on Saturday night, you saw this play by Stanford offensive guard and team captain Joshua Garnett. He rag-dolled not one but two Washington defensive players who had the temerity to get in his way, and it is my belief that this play symbolizes the attitudes of three teams whose uniform hues are quite similar: the Cardinal, Alabama and Oklahoma.

All three have one loss, but all three are “Play At Your Own Risk” the remainder of the way. One of these three schools is advancing to the college football playoff if not more. You can print out this column, tape it to your refrigerator and highlight that previous sentence or, if you do not have a printer, simply tape your entire computer to your refrigerator.

Mixon (above) and Perine combined for 355 yards rushing and six TD’s in Saturday’s 63-27 defeat of Texas Tech. That Longhorn blemish will fade into the recesses if they keep playing like this.

While pundits still ruminate on whether Baylor or TCU is the better team, they conveniently forget that the Bears and Horned Frogs still have to play the Sooners (as well as Oklahoma State) and that their feckless schedules leave absolutely no margin for error. If the Sooners, who have a two-headed rushing attack in Joe Mixon and Samaje Perine, and a Manziel clone in Baker Mayfield, can run the table against all three currently unbeaten teams, they’re in.

(That’s Tide quarterback Jacob Coker, above, lowering the boom)

Likewise, Alabama, if they win out (beating LSU and Auburn), are in, in my opinion. Sorry, Ole Miss, even if you do run the table.

And right now Stanford looks as good as any team in the country.

What do these three have in common? Excellent, experienced coaches, solid quarterback play and rushing attacks, and a WHOLE LOT of physicality. These are three teams that will beat you up while beating you.

Yes, they all have one loss. And none of them are currently ranked higher than seventh. Don’t be surprised if you see one, if not all three, of them in the four-team field.

2. That’s So Raven!

Baltimore had the ball with the chance to tie the game late last night in Arizona but Joe Flacco (Flaccometer ranges from “Elite!!!” to “Bum”) threw a red zone pick, just like in their season-opener at Denver. So Baltimore falls to 1-6 even though all six losses have come by eight points or less.

So, yeah, only a few plays are keeping the Ravens from being at least 4-3 instead of 1-6. But as coach John Harbaugh’s brother, Jim, said yesterday, “If worms had machine guns, birds would be scared of them.”

Note: It’s been 17 days since a Har-bro won a football game. Tense times in those homes.

Meanwhile, there was yet another play inside University of Phoenix Stadium involving a running back who appeared to be down but whom the refs decided was not. Remember Michael Dyer of Auburn in the 2010 BCS National Championship Game (if you’re an Oregon fan, you do). Last night Arizona’s Chris Johnson was brought down, but only onto the belly of Baltimore’s 6’1″, 335-pound Brandon Williams.

(In case you are wondering, the Walkers ate Johnson’s intestines, but we think Williams survived by crawling under a dumpster).

(This run put Oregon’s hopes in Dyer straits; I’m already sorry).

It seemed to me that Johnson, though not touching the ground, had his forward progress stopped. The refs should have blown the whistle. They did not and Johnson alertly kept going once Williams released him and ran 62 yards, all the way to the 7. Like Dyer, Johnson’s extra effort earned his team a field goal.

3. Rogue Waves (Cont.)

I’ve said it before and will repeat: Read Susan Casey’s The Wave some day. It’s fascinating (and far better than her first book, The Devil’s Teeth; also, Casey is kinda smokin’ and she knows it). Anyway, she discusses rogue waves, giant swells that seem to emanate from nowhere and are often responsible for ships simply disappearing.

Casey was not taken out by this rogue wave while giving a talk…

The latest example of the damage rogue waves can do: a whale-watching boat off the coast of British Columbia capsized over the weekend when, on a lovely day, it was struck by a rogue wave. Five Britons died, although some 21 or so others aboard were rescued.

4. The Daily Harrumph: WWE at Spring Valley High

Has the girl and her family already appeared on GMA or Today? How soon until the $4 million lawsuit and the out-of-court settlement? ARGHHHH!!!

Let me preface this by saying that I happened to watch a documentary all about the Kent State Massacre last night on Netflix (“The Day the Sixties Died”; recommend it). Anyway, I never knew before watching this that two days before the National Guard opened fire, killing four students, that a group of students had set fire to the ROTC Building on campus. When fire engines responded to the blaze, some students used knifes to puncture the water hoses being used to extinguish the fire.

Which does not, of course, make it okay to open fire using live ammunition on unruly students. But it does add context.

I don’t know what the police officer here at Spring Valley High was thinking, exactly. I also don’t know why this student needed to fail to listen to her teacher, and then to a police officer. What was behind her blatant disregard for her teacher and her fellow students?

I don’t know. Could the cop have used better judgment? Uh huh. But social media and YouTube videos will turn her into a martyr. I think she shoulders some of the blame here, too.

And there it is: my Daily Harrumph!

 5. Where In The World

Yesterday’s Answer: Sheraton Huzhou Hot Spring Resort, China

Music 101

What I Like About You

There are a few bands (Bay City Rollers) that are as famous for being one-hit wonders (Star Land Vocal Band) as The Romantics, but there is no band (Chumbawumba) that is more of a one-hit wonder (The Dream Academy) than this quartet from Detroit. I’d wager that there was not a single dorm party in my four years at college that A) wasn’t broken up by an overly fascist RA and B)  did not include this 1980 tune at some point during the festivities (HEY!).

Remote Patrol

“If you wanna score runs/He can get you some/Lo Cain….

World Series, Game 1

FOX 8 p.m.

It almost (“almost?”) seems wrong and un-American that the NBA is tipping off its season on the same night as Game 1 of the World Series. Seeing as how the NBA season does not begin in earnest until late February (or April), I’m going to pass on advising you watch the Bulls and Cavs (I’m sure Susie B. will fill us in tomorrow below). Matt Harvey gets the start for the LGM! and Edinson Volquez will take the hill for Kansas City, though Erin Andrews will probably only interview Eric Hosmer for the entirety of the Fall Classic.

by John Walters

Happy 29th Birthday to Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen, First of Her Name, Mother of Dragons, Wearer of Wigs (i.e., Emilia Clarke)

Starting Five

Lance Austin, this week’s Jalen Watts-Jackson

1. “What a Time To Be Alive!”

Those were ESPN play-by-play man Mark Jones’s words as Lance Austin of Georgia Tech raced into the end zone on Saturday night in Atlanta in a sequel to Auburn’s Kick Six.

Goodbye, Roberto Aguayo’s record of never having missed a kick of any type in the fourth quarter. Goodbye, Florida State, to a 28-game ACC win streak and to an unbeaten season.

Meanwhile, Jones’s words, “YOU CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!” will now play on a speaker in your bedroom for those intimate, post-coital moments.

Great job by Austin. It had been a full seven days since a team had lost on the game’s final play due to a highly inconceivable special teams gaffe.

2. Hurricane Dabo

No Clemsoning to be seen here….

The number “58” used to be a welcome one at The U. 58 was the number of games Miami won in a row at the old OB — Orange Bowl — in their ’80’s and ’90s heyday. It was also the number of points they put up against Notre Dame in 1985, the nadir of the Fighting Irish and Gerry Faust’s final game.

But on Saturday the Hurricanes lost 58-0, at home, to Clemson. From Orange Bowl to Orange Blowout. As someone noted to me on Twitter on Saturday, “And I thought Patricia would be the worst hurricane this weekend.”

Yesterday, Miami fired fifth-year coach Al Golden. Now how will that dude who flies those planes spend his Saturdays?

3. A RIP to Flip

Saunders took teams to both the NBA Eastern and Western Conference finals…

About three weeks ago I spoke to a friend who told me that Flip Saunders, the once and present coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves, was doing very poorly. Complications from his treatment for Hodgkins lymphoma. Yesterday’s news that Saunders, 60, had passed away was awful, but not a surprise.

Saunders played his basketball at the University of Minnesota and was a local hero in the Twin Cities (he was a college teammate of Kevin McHale’s). He won two CBA championships as a coach and in 17 NBA seasons compiled a 654-594 record. Only 19 coaches have won more NBA games than Flip did.

Here’s a terrific write-up on the man from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune….

4. A Farewell to Glenn?

Rushing the gates at a Cranberries show….

I’ll keep tuning into this AMC show until it fulfills my fantasy of having Christopher Walken do a cameo as a zombie (“The Walken Dead”) while speaking to Rick in that measured metronome of his. “I am not…a flesh-eating…creature…I am just…someone…who cannot find….a Chick-Fil-A.”

Meanwhile, on last night’s 3rd episode of Season 6, one of the show’s longest-appearing characters, and one of our favorites, Glenn, may or may not have died. When Glenn fell off the dumpster, did he land under the body of Nicholas (ie., Were those Nicholas’s sweetbreads the walkers were dining upon?) and crawl to safety beneath the dumpster, or was it his own demise as well?

Glenn showed a lot of guts in taking on the walkers last night (“YEEEEEAHHHHHHH!!!!)

No one, not even Chris Hardwick, is saying. Telling, though, that on the Talking Dead after-show last night, the actor who portrays Glenn (Steven Yeun) did not appear (a standard send-off for other departing cast members) nor was he listed in the weekly farewell montage. Is Glenn autumn’s Jon Snow?

5. Where In The World?

Friday’s Answer: Floralis Generica, Buenos Aires

Music 101 

Kiss Me Deadly

Before he had developed into New Wave’s polished sneer, Billy Idol was a legit punk rocker, the front man for a band named Generation X. This 1978 tune isn’t as punk rock as “Your Generation,” their other hit. It actually sounds as if it longs for some airplay, and it also rhymes “Rockabilly” with “Piccadilly.”

Added: Notice the way Idol sings “tonight” at the end of a line. Sound anything like Billy Corgan singing the same word about 16 years later in the song “Tonight, Tonight?” Coincidence, or was this the inspiration for the Smashing Pumpkins’ hit?

Remote Patrol

World Series of Poker

ESPN2 8:30 p.m. — Midnight

“You down with WSOP?”

    “Yeah, you know me!”

“Let’s get ready to shuuuuuuuuuuffffffffffflllee!”

Here’s to not letting the chips fall where they may….You may think that watching a bunch of men play poker isn’t good television, but host Lon McEachern and analyst Norman Chad are as good at calling poker as any team are at calling any sport. Always entertaining, and even when Chad’s quips bomb, you have to love him for trying. Tonight it is Parts 11-14 of the 19-part 2015 WSOP.