by John Walters

Of all the terrible 6-3 calls the Supreme Court has made in the past fortnight, two that should stand out as the worst are 1) the reversal of Roe v. Wade and 2) today’s decision that the EPA cannot regulate carbon dioxide emissions. And those two decisions should reveal to anyone who cares to keep score what Mitch McConnell’s race-baiting and all the “Take Back America” rallies and “They’re not sending their best people” rallies have always been about: the white money that runs this country was always about putting FEAR into white voters’ hearts about the Dems taking away white supremacy and GOD (read: Christian values) in order to elect Trump in order to gain control of the Supreme Court (three justices added during his term) in order to make decisions that will maintain the power structure of white males (the abortion ruling) and the oil companies (today’s).

Look at this list of the Top 10 market cap companies from 1980. What you’ll notice, and quickly, is that SIX of them are oil companies and two others are traditional fossil-fuel burning automobile manufacturers. These are the corporate monoliths that ruled the world when the septuagenarians and octogenarians who are now keeping their old, decrepit hands on the wheel of Congress and the Supreme Court were coming up in the world. These are the corporations to whom McConnell and company are beholden. And if you don’ believe this line of reasoning, just listen to Ned Beatty’s famous diatribe from 1976’s Network:

Alas, it is all true. Mitch and his cronies have never cared about the rights of the unborn (or of the past-born), much less Christian values (get a load of Donald Trump’s lifestyle, from Epstein parties on down). They only care about power. And they married Big Oil long ago. And the traditional White Male Power Structure. So you fast forward to a relatively recent period (not sure of the exact date), and you’ll see that SEVEN of the 10 largest companies are TECHNOLOGY companies, two are health, and one is basically a giant holding company. ZERO oil companies. And Mitch & Co. already have one mistress. He’s got no interest in courting tech companies run by brown people from Asia or woke progressives in hoodies. So they took their fight to Supreme Court nominations and ratifications, playing dirty in the last days of both Obama and Trump (using directly conflicting logic to validate their actions on each occasion; if A is true, B must be false, but Mitch & the boys just said, “F**k it. Try and stop us.”)

And so while insolent or ignorant Americans drone on about gun rights or Christian values or “they won’t replace us,” Mitch and his cronies chuckle. They’ve secured the six Supreme Court justices, who are either bought and paid for (Kavanaugh) or so backward (Barrett) or both (Thomas) that they can run/ruin this country from beyond the Oval Office. That’s all they ever cared about. They just used those shadow issues to manipulate voters into giving them the seats they needed in Congress (and the White House, for four years) to have their way. They basically slipped a date-rape drug into the conservative Christian American psyche.

Yesterday Clarence “Uncle” Thomas provided a sound byte about “north is north,” that right is right and it’s inalienable. But he wasn’t talking about legal matters. He was talking about values. Which, last we checked the Constitution, is not the Supreme Court’s bailiwick. Never was supposed to be. And here’s the funny thing. North is not necessarily north. It’s completely arbitrary. There’s no outside frame of reference that dictates that the northern hemisphere (where most of the white people are from) should be at the top of the map and the southern (mostly brown people or white colonists from England, Spain, Portugal, Holland) should be at the bottom.

Take four minutes if you have not already seen this clip from The West Wing and change your life/have your mind blown. Chances are that if you are a Democrat—or a centrist/exhausted majority member like me—you’ll be amazed or you’ve already seen it. Chances are that if you’re a conservative you won’t last the full four minutes or you’ll find some way to rebuff it because the last thing most conservatives ever want to do is have the truth alter their politics.

by John Walters

Jersey Girl

How does a 24 year-old woman from Pennington, N.J., who graduated from Christopher Newport U. come to hold the fate of democracy in her hands? That’s a good question. Cassidy Hutchinson, former aide to Mark Meadows, took the stand for two hours yesterday and delivered the most damning testimony related to TFG and January 6 yet. We don’t know how she came to be this close to the power mongers circled around MOGUL, but we can guess why she agreed to testify: she’s young. Her values have yet to be corrupted by power and money and needing to pay off that mortgage and the tuition at Cornell and the private prep school and the second home on the Eastern shore. She’s probably just renting in Dupont Circle and hoping to make this month’s car payment on the Camry. Lack of materialism is a serious threat to a corrupt administration.

Perhaps, and we know this sounds sexist but it also may be true, Hutchinson veered so close to the nucleus of world power due to, well, look at the photo. If you attended college in the northeast or Midwest, you know that look. It’s the lass who looked just okay before spring break but after a week in Fort Lauderdale or South Padre Island soaking up rays, returns as a valkyrie. Mark Meadows, you filthy dog.

Serena Swan Song?

Turns out Serena Williams’ visit to London this summer was only a layover. The (second-) most decorated player in the history of women’s tennis fell in the first round to Harmony Tan (my nickname for Cassidy Hutchinson, by the way) in a third-set tiebreaker. Williams, 40, is now five years removed from her most recent grand slam win (the Aussie Open) and remains stuck at 23. Margaret Court retired with 24, but it was definitely a different era.

Sauces Close To The President*

*We stole that from Twitter

Among the more damning testimony from Cassidy Hutchinson yesterday…. Donald Trump insisted he be driven to the Capitol after his saber-rattling speech (“I’m the f***ing president!”) and then lunged at both the wheel and his driver. Earlier, when he was told by his attorney general, William Barr, that there was no widespread voter fraud, he tossed his plate of food at the wall, smearing it with ketchup. Also, that he told the SS not to have metal detectors at his rally, since obviously the people coming to watch were not there “to hurt me.”

Listen, Joe Biden: Lock. Him. Up. Like, now. So you’ll rouse a hornet’s nest of angry Republicans and MAGA dolts. So what? They hate you anyway. They’re going to hate you no matter what you do. So at least ou can do the right thing. And you might say, Yes, but no one has ever arrested a president before. That’s because no president has ever committed treason before. Please, Joe, Dems: take a long look at the Lincoln Memorial, or even just stare at the front of a $5 bill. That dude knew how to take a bold step. And not for nothing he’s widely acknowledged as our greatest president. You have far more than enough justification to lock up Trump and Meadows and Stone and Bannon and Flynn.

Do it already. Before it’s too late. If Brittney Griner can be detained with so little justifiable cause, surely these dudes can.

NATO About To Become Much Hotter

Talk about climate change. The North Atlantic Treaty Organization has extended invitations to both Sweden and Finland to join, ensuring that temperatures will rise during NATO conferences. Yowza! In case you were wondering, Norway is already part of NATO. Really, all that needs to happen is to invite Venezuela and Brazil to join. And perhaps Australia. Then it’ll be a… Model U.N.

by John Walters

Long Twain Running

Jon Stewart recently received the Mark Twain Award for Humor. Not sure how recently, only that it was some time after the Oscars. There’s a few good clips that popped on the Second-PersonTube that I wanted to share with you. The first is from Stewart himself, who opens with kind words about his family but then brings down the axe in the last few minutes. Stick around ’til the end or just fast forward directly to the halfway point.

Then there’s Stephen Colbert, who in my opinion had the funniest of all the encomiums (encomia?).

And finally, here’s Dave Chappelle, being utterly Chappellian. One interesting note: Olivia Munn, who briefly worked on The Daily Show, spoke and she was funny. Her baby daddy, John Mulaney, did not.

Snell Game

For us, one of the more shocking sports moments of the past five years was when Rays manager Kevin Cash, his team having ALL of the momentum in the World Series, decided to pull Blake Snell with one out in the sixth inning of Game 6. Let’s look at the numbers: the Rays had pulled off an unlikely rally to win Game 5, staving off elimination and a Dodgers championship. Now, in Game 6, the Rays led 1-0 and Snell, who had struck out nine, was working on a two-hitter. He’d already struck out the Dodgers’ top three batters twice, and the top of the lineup was coming back up. He’d just allowed a one-out single, but he’d only thrown 73 pitches.

Cash pulled him. Analytics > Instincts. The next batter, Mookie Betts, doubled and the Dodgers would score two runs that inning en route to a 3-1 win.

This morning, for no particular reason, we decided to check up on Blake Snell. Now with the San Diego Padres (he never threw another pitch for Tampa Bay), Snell is 0-5 with a 5.60 ERA. This is a former Cy Young Award winner who went 21-5 in 2018. Can you say enigmatic? At least one smart publication decided to explore this bizarre funk in depth.

Jimmy, Jack & Lorne

Jimmy Fallon telling Jerry Seinfeld a great Jack Nicholson story. pic.twitter.com/OadXabytzn

— All The Right Movies (@ATRightMovies) June 24, 2022

It’s anecdotes such as this one that have long given reason for Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee to exist. We love that Fallon was smart enough to appreciate the moment and we also love that Seinfeld specifically calls out the “melancholy.” ‘s wonderful.

Losing? Your Religion

I've been thinking hard about the root causes of Roe's repeal and other social justice problems in the USA and I've come to the conclusion that religion is bad, a net negative for society, and we should stop pretending it's fine for people to believe things that aren't true.

— Laurie Voss (@seldo) June 27, 2022

Came across this tweet over the weekend (there’s a whole thread here… go find it if interested) and found it enlightening. But also affirming what we’ve been thinking for quite some time. We thought of John Lennon’s lyrics, “Imagine there’s no countries/It isn’t hard to do/Nothing to kill or die for/And no religion, too.” Of course, being such a proponent of peace and pacifism, it was only fitting that Lennon met a violent death at the hands of his own fame. His price for giving the world so much joy was to be murdered. I wonder if you can think of anyone else in history who suffered a similar fate.

But this was not meant to be a John Lennon item. We digress. As America veers dangerously closer to a theocracy (kneeling on a football field in protest is bad but to do so in prayer is now federally protected), we notice how many good souls in our lives are either agnostic or atheistic and how so many Trumpian souls are overly fixated on religion or “the Bible.” While not really appreciating what the Bible is, in a historical context. I shared that video from the female news anchor last week, and now this thread. This coming from someone with 16 years of Catholic schooling.

The right’s implacable stance on all things, justified by “the Bible,” would be hilarious if so many of their hopes and wishes were not now being vetted by the Supreme Court. These people do not understand Jesus, nor do they want to. Jesus was a long-haired, homeless and unemployed hippie whom these Christians would surely not want to see within a mile of their multi-million dollar cathedrals. And Jesus was the ULTIMATE in accepting any man or woman for whom they were, and how they treated their fellow man. Does not sound like most Christians I know today.

I had this thought, too, over the weekend. I’m imagining an economics professor at my alma mater, a priest hopefully, explaining to his (it would be a he, for sure) students that cryptocurrency is a sham, that it’s all built upon the self-perpetuating faith of its denizens that crypto is real, but that there’s no real substance behind it. And that the only reason cryptocurrency exists is because those who’ve already profited from it or who hope to profit more are able to pull in true believers from the wilderness. And then I’m imagining this econ professor staring out the window of a golden dome as he says this, looking upon a statue up top dedicated to the only known virgin in history to have given birth.

Full Mental Jacket

We love this story from Vince D’Onofrio, telling Rich Eisen how he landed the part of Private Gomer Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. Also, here’s the Lon Chaney scene he’s talking about. Notice, by the way, what an excellent talk show guest that D’Onofrio is. He knows he’s on to tell stories, and he’s brought a full bag with him.

by John Walters

Quite the week for the Supreme Court of the United States. In no particular order—chronologically or logically—the majority of SCOTUS struck down separation of church and state, a century-old law on handgun regulation, and the right of women to have an abortion. Next week they’ll be coming for gypsies, retards and Jews.

Remember seeing those two planes fly into the World Trade Center (okay, you only saw one in real time) and witnessing that fantastic explosion and being gobsmacked by the surrealism of it all… but not yet quite being able to appreciate the phenomenal loss of life and grief and ruined lives of so many others connected to those 3,000 or so victims? Well, this week Clarence Thomas and the Robe vs. Wade crowd crashed the plane into the Constitution. The collateral damage, the loss of life and freedom to individuals you know or will know about, is on its way.

Oh, and “Liars” is in the title above because the last three justices confirmed, all in the past five years, said during their nomination hearings that they considered Roe v. Wade “settled law.” We all knew that they were lying… this week they took the opportunity to prove us correct.

I live in a dumb state. Let’s get that out of the way first. I constantly hear people in Arizona say we have to save OUR country and I’m always bemused by that. Who is “OUR?” I know, we all know to whom OUR refers. The people with whom these Arizonans (and perhaps conservatives in your area, too) disagree are also American. It’s also their country. It’s sad that I even have to say that. When you buy into a democracy, you buy into the notion that you don’t always get your way. The majority does. But that’s not what the “OUR country” crowd subscribes to: they’re more of a heads-I-win, tails-you-lose gang.

The America your great grandparents grew up in did not allow women to vote. The America their grandparents grew up in did not allow blacks freedom. Did these people contend with their own grandparents lamenting that they needed to save OUR country? To not emancipate blacks? To not give women suffrage?

But suddenly OUR country is under attack. And so modern-day Republicans are doing the ol’ “We had to kill the patient in order to save him” trick. Democracy and free elections? Not if we have to surrender OUR country. Legal precedent being upheld? Not if we lose OUR country.

I. Don’t. Care. If. You’re. Christian. pic.twitter.com/lJGAGlHHUx

— Ben Yahr (@benyahr) June 24, 2022

In my years, I’ve come to see (firsthand, from family and friends) the fundamental difference between Democrats and Republicans. The former are like, I don’t like that, I’m not gonna do it. And the latter are like, I don’t like that, YOU’RE not gonna do it.*

*The caveat being that if a Republican likes something and a Dem even bothers to object to it, the R screams out about his rights being infringed upon or being canceled.

Earlier this week, in a text chain with high school buddies, split across the political spectrum, perhaps my wealthiest friend (a corporate consultant), talked about the coming reality of Universal Basic Income (in other words, CEOs would rather help pay out welfare than continue giving jobs to humans at the expense of a higher stock price). So I replied, “People need a purpose. Not handouts. If you want to destroy the world, take away people’s (men’s) reasons for getting up in the morning.”

And with that one of my conservative buddies typed, in ALL CAPS, “DO WE HAVE A CLOSET REPUBLICAN IN OUR MIDST?”

Short answer: No, because I’ve never believed in using corruption as a means to an end. I did ask my conservative friend why so many of his conservative farming brethren are happy to accept a huge check from Uncle Sam to NOT work their land. But, hey, white landowners could never possibly be welfare queens, now could they?

Returning to this week’s decisions, let’s make it simple: the majority of SCOTUS is not interested in babies or liberty or religious freedom (Christianity, yes, but not religious freedom per se). All of these rulings are designed to keep women subservient, to prevent the upward mobility of poorer people, to come closer to establishing a theocracy and also an autocracy. And all of these rules will ratchet up crime (read Freakonomics and see what the authors discovered about what happens 18 years after a country takes away abortion right), which will help pols put more police on the streets and boost more fear in communities, keeping uneducated folks scared and allowing those in power to keep the masses under their thumb. Or in jail.

Notice how often you’ve heard the term “defund the police” since George Floyd was murdered. How many times, if ever, have you heard those same people decry “defund education?” Probably never. Because the last thing they want is to fund public education. If you’re a Republican, you’re either A) wealthy enough to send your children to a private school and you do or B) too ignorant to realize how much you’re being manipulated.

I should state, for the record, that I love this country (you can say that without having to add that it’s “the greatest country on Earth” because anyone who says this has usually been to fewer than five countries…it’s the same idiocy that leads people to call LeBron “the GOAT” who can’t even tell you who Kareem or Wilt were). But there’s a difference between loving something (maturity) and being impervious to any critiques to it (cultism). Go read Nathaniel Philbrick’s Mayflower or The Last Stand (about, respectively, the first two generations of settlers and George Custer) and you’ll learn that so much of what you devoured in elementary school was pure myth. The very term “Custer’s Last Stand” is a lie since he and his men had been chasing the Sioux (on the Sioux’s federally appointed land) for months and then when they finally caught up to them, the Sioux kicked their asses (Custer was killed, his penis was chopped off and they stuffed it in his mouth… you probably never read that in 8th grade history… or the fact that the U.S. govt got the news right about now in 1876 but they held off informing the public for a week or so until after the country’s centennial celebration had ended).

Which is why the GOP is so against education. America, like every family I know, has a checkered past and present. Very few things in this world that have human interference are pure good or pure evil (even the Patriots had Gronk to offset the maleficence).

Lastly, let’s not finish this polemic without blaming another uniquely American phenomenon that I’m partly accountable for: the madness of the masses when it comes to big-time sports. Major sports have now easily bypassed religion as the opium of the masses. Those in charge understand and appreciate the palliative effect sports has on keeping the middle to lower classes distracted. Pre-occupied. Under control. And the funny part is that the majority of big-time athletes are the very minorities whose communities (at least those in which many of them were raised) are being destroyed. It would be beyond wonderful if every black or Hispanic big-time athlete simply walked out of sports until America got its act together. They could bring down the Mitch McConnells and Clarence Thomases of the world in a month or two, especially if NFL players took this stand. That, understandably, is a lot to ask of individuals.

Meanwhile, five men and one handmaid in black robes just made a decision that will adversely affect more than half the citizens of the United States, a group numbering more than 167 million. The very definition of tyranny of the minority. So I’ve come to adopt, in this political climate, Walters’ Postulate: The quality of life in these United States is inversely proportional to the number of times you hear reasonable people invoke “Portugal” as a potential landing spot.

by John Walters

Edina-sty In The Making

Last week Edina (Minn.) High School won the boys state golf championship in the Land of 10,000 Water Hazards. This is fabulous news because the Hornets are coached by our favorite coach in any sport at any level, Mike McCollow (better known as Katie’s Husband). The Hornets led by three strokes after the first day (each school sends six golfers out, and the four best scores are kept), but then won going away, by 14 strokes, though their state co-medalist (i.e. individual champ), Jack Wetzel, played his final three holes in a driving rainstorm. It’s Minnesota. These are hearty people.

It’s a feel-good story, as Mike took a bunch of hard-scrabble kids from the wrong side of the arboretum and molded them into a cohesive unit of strokers (and we all know how difficult it can be to get high school boys to stroke units cohesively). Kind of Stand And Deliver meets Tin Cup. Among others, Mike received congratulatory calls from Bill Self (one of his closest friends, whose own championship this year was also kinda cool) and Steve Rushin (who once hit a tee shot into an adjacent lumber yard and proclaimed, “Two…. by fore!”). On to the next one.

You Can Call Me Ray

In the Mekong Delta of Cambodia, behold the largest freshwater fish ever caught on record. This stingray measures nearly 13 feet long and weighs almost 600 pounds. We’re happy to report it was tagged and released in order to some day terrify Charlie as he’s doing 20 clicks en route to the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

Go, Go Joseph

We have yet to see Top Gun: Maverick, and we doubt that we will in the near future. It’s not that we don’t love Tom Cruise (we do, though we prefer him as Jerry Maguire of Joel Goodson or Stefan Djordjevic or even Jack Reacher), it’s just that—and correct us if we’re wrong—there’s something so MAGA about getting your rocks off cheering for America military prowess knowing that there is an actual battle out there that needs fighting and the U.S. is not lifting a trigger finger (besides sending $$$) to help.

We sent troops to Korea. To Vietnam. To Iraq. To Afghanistan. And to countless trouble spots in Africa and at a small liberal arts college in Ohio. So why not send troops to Ukraine? Now, the classic I-haven’t-thought-about-it-much-but-Tucker-Carlson-says-it-so-it-must-be-true response is, “You don’t wanna start Word War III.” Well, here’s a newsflash: Vladimir Putin already did so, a day or two after the Winter Olympics ended.

This isn't rocket science people. The oil industry has a vested interest in helping to elect Republicans that cut taxes and deregulate environmental protections. The greatest thing the oil industry ever did was convince you Joe Biden is to blame for the pandemic price gouging.

— Combat-Veteran 99-07🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊 (@Randy16357441) June 20, 2022

Taking Ukraine, for Russia, is not just about occupying the land. It has numerous collateral advantages, such as driving up fuel prices world wide, which puts the current White House administration in a bad position, as higher fuel prices jack up the price of everything else (hello, INFLATION!). It also creates a massive food shortage and famine in other parts of the world (Ukraine is Europe’s breadbasket), which helps to destabilize other democratically-elected governments. Do you really believe that Putin and Steve Bannon and Mitch McConnell did not take all of this into consideration before Russian troops began shelling Kyiv last February? Certainly they did.

One major criticism of Democrats—and it is most always valid—as that they are frustratingly milquetoast. It may soon be too late for them to have a say in the matter. So what are we espousing? The U.S. (and perhaps other NATO countries) should stop worrying about potential ramifications and do the right thing, not just by President Zelensky and his people, but by the U.S.A. We SHOULD send troops into Ukraine and also provide air cover in Ukraine. The same Republicans who were in favor of Vietnam and Iraq and Afghanistan will, shockingly, be against this. Even though the principle is the same. Maybe because for once we would not be fighting brown people. Or because it wasn’t their idea. Or, most likely, because anything that behooves Putin and Russia also behooves them.

But we have the moral authority to assist Ukraine. And as good a job as Ukraine has done for three-plus months, they may not be able to sustain it. And then where will the rest of the world be? But Ukraine’s relative success at frustrating the supposedly far superior Russian military underlines that Putin’s troops are poorly trained and also know their invasion is unjust. We could be heroes. While also showing the big bully on the Eastern bloc that he’s really not all that much.

Would Russia really launch a nuke, anywhere? Not unless Putin is suicidal. Might he be at some point? I don’t know, but to us the risk of not acting here has far graver consequences. Meanwhile, gas prices remain high, Fox News continuously blames it on the administration knowing that’s not the real reason but also knowing too many Americans at this stage don’t bother to do the math themselves. The Dems, and Biden, instead of sitting back and hoping that America begins subscribing to The Atlantic and Washington Post, should do something every red-meated American can understand: punch back at a bully.

Maybe then I’ll go see Top Gun: Maverick.

The Power Of The Dogs

The photo alone should win a Pulitzer Prize. It’s from a story in The New York Times about three bitches who traveled 1,300 miles across Africa to forge a new beginning for themselves. I imagine they’ll be launching a podcast soon.

Pan-Dementia

Panslapping contest… pic.twitter.com/MP4pmEVB9Y

— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) June 20, 2022

What if First Take, or Meet The Press, or Crossfire, were reimagined at a Renaissance Fair? Here it is, America: pan-slapping.