by John Walters

A Medium Happy 46th to Roller Girl herself, Heather Graham.

Starting Five

JFK, Abe, Teddy, George and FDR watching Donald before heading out to see “Hamilton”

1. Iowa Cauircus

The leading Republican candidate in the room last night led with his version of Costanza’s “jerk store” bit and it landed with a thud: “Let me say: I’m a maniac. And everyone on this stage is stupid, fat, and ugly. And Ben, you’re a terrible surgeon.”

You watch the clowns on this stage and you think, this is for the presidency of the United States? This is like having Andrew Dice Clay host the Oscars. “Hillary dillary doc….OHHHHHH!”

320 damn million people in this country, and we can’t produce one genuinely estimable person to run for president. It may be time to return to an enlightened despot era. I sad, “Enlightened,’ Donald.

2. “My God”

Forgot, until yesterday afternoon, that it was the 30th anniversary of the space shuttle Challenger disaster. Two videos for you. The first is the network coverage on NBC, I believe. The shuttle breaks apart at just after the 2:00 mark. That’s above.

Below is….

…unedited footage of friends and family of the six astronauts and of the teacher on board, Christa McAuliffe, watching in horror as the explosion occurs. According to a detailed story that came out a year or so afterward, it is most likely that the crew not only survived the blast but were conscious for the 90 seconds or so before their capsule struck the water in the Atlantic Ocean.

3. The A-Team (for “Ammon”) Meets Reality

Never let a bunch of amateurs play cops and robbers against the real thing. Here’s fool footage of Ammon Bundy’s goons trying to outrace law enforcement on an Oregon highway. It does not end well for them. Go to the 9-minute mark if you want (before that it’s just a high speed chase, a stop, and then the vehicle takes off again in a mad dash, oblivious to the fact that a road block has been set up for them around a corner. As Bugs Bunny would say, “What a bunch of maroons.”

4. Bedeviled

Note: This is why swimming is my go-to exercise.

I mean, I get it, but why are you wasting Michael Phelps joining the Curtain of Distraction during an 18-point blowout of the Oregon State Woolly Mammoths, ASU?

5. Amazon’s Not Amazin’ (At Moment)

The new Wonder Woman has eschewed primary colors

In stock news, Amazon (AMZN), which a little more than a month ago was literally selling at 1,000 times P/E (by comparison, Apple, which is cheap, sells at 10 times P/E), announced its fourth quarter earnings after the bell yesterday afternoon.

The stock had opened at $583, then rose nearly 9%, or $52, to $635 in anticipation of favorable news. Instead, the company announced earnings of $1 per share against analysts’ expectations of $1.50 per share. That’s a HUUUUGE, Trumpian HUUUUUGE miss. So the stock got slammed in after hours trading, down $68 or more than 10%, to $568.

So now it’s selling closer to 900x earnings. Still wildly inflated, but I’d jump in today, especially if it falls below $550 in the first hour. I’ll definitely buy one share.

In other stock news, Xerox is splitting into two companies. Xerox has finally copied itself.

Music 101

The Love Boat

“Set a course for adventure/Your mind on a new romance/And love won’t hurt any more…”  It probably will. It always does. The only people who hurt you are the ones who tell you that they love you, but anyway, let vocalist Jack Jones and the lyrics of Paul Williams sail you away from reality for an hour, as they did on Saturday nights at 9 p.m. for a generation of us.

Remote Patrol

Saturday

No. 1 Oklahoma at LSU

5 p.m. ESPN

Sixer (and Sun) mantras: “Yield for Hield” and “Slummin’ for Simmons”

A big promotion to whoever scheduled this non-conference game for the Super Bowl bye weekend. You’ve got the top-ranked Sooners (17-2), and possible POY Buddy Hield, in Baton Rouge to face other potential POY Ben Simmons and the Tigers (13-7). Both of these dudes are going in the Top 5 next June, and one of them may be No. 1. LSU desperately needs this game for its tourney resume, and remember (Dick) Friedman’s First Law of Athletics: There are no home upsets in college basketball. 

by John Walters

A Medium Hawkeye 80th to Alan Alda. Should we celebrate at Rosie’s or just don our finest bathrobes and head over to The Swamp?

Starting Five

Raonic is Canadian by way of Montenegro

1.”Another Game for Milos!!!”

This is Milos Raonic, who earlier today or later today (I just never know with the Aussie Open) did meet or will meet Any Murray in the semis of the Australian Open. I guess I should be informing you that Novak Djokovic defeated Roger Federer in four sets in the semis, but it’s just that I desperately want Milos to advance to the finals so that we can all relive this Seinfeld moment…

Too good.

Anyway, if you’re wondering, Federer owns 17 Grand Slam singles titles, most ever. Djokovic has 10, on his way to 11. Fed is 34 and Novak is 28. Fed only won one more Grand Slam singles title after his 28th birthday, primarily because of the presence of Djokovic. The difference here, at least right now, is that I don’t see any young Novak Djokovic killer on the horizon. Maybe one exists. We’ll see.

2. Super Bowl C Notes

An actual Week 1 Super Bowl 50 story that was more than a list. Incredible.

My good friend Adam Duerson, NFL editor at Sports Illustrated and chronically afflicted RAGBRAI participant, suggested to the facile-minded Steve Rushin that he “report” on Super Bowl 100. The result is the most entertaining sports story in some time, as Rushin imagines an NFL future with female kickers (Rae Gal), life coaches-in-headsets (O.G. Willikens), a wide receiver named Lynnswann Davis and a Spanish club, AFC Barcelona, with a quarterback named Jaoa Montana.

This is the marriage of a great idea (by Duerson) and a wonderfully imaginative writer (Rushin). Somewhere a Bleacher Report slide show on Premier League WAGs will draw 10 times as many page views, but this is the world we live in.

Steve (and I) will be 99 years old when Super Bowl 100 happens. I’m betting on us both being around to see it. But I’m kinda hoping we’ll both be around not to see it.

3. Friending Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg’s company reported 4th quarter earnings last night. It has a 52% increase in revenue and a 66% increase in advertising over 4th quarter from the year before. The stock jumped 12% to $106 after the opening bell this morning.

More people than ever are spending more time than ever on Facebook (meanwhile, also yesterday, CNBC aired a segment asking, “Is Twitter too difficult to use?”). In related news, the Doomsday Clock just moved one minute closer to midnight.

4. Semi-Tough

Wondering why there isn’t a Flying Irish One…..

In an effort to impress/seduce/sign five-star wide receiver Demetris Robertson of Savannah, Ga., Notre Dame pulled up to his Savannah, Ga., home in its equipment trailer this morning. Wake up the echoes? Woke up the neighbors.

The addition of Robertson would give Notre Dame a fuller house of wideouts, if not a Fuller house.

This is cool and all, and Robertson would be the highest-rated player the Irish would land, but for their sake I hope they drive this rig over to Ben Davis’s home in Gordo, Ala., before returning north to South Bend.

5. Pants, Porn, Perish

Was it good for you?

This is the vehicle of 58 year-old Clifford Ray Jones of Detroit, who is an early Darwin Award favorite after dying in a single-car accident at 3:30 a.m. over the weekend. Mr. Jones was watching porn while driving pantsless on Interstate 75, possibly operating a hands-free device, so to speak, when he lost control of his vehicle.

In a way, Jones is like the rest of us: he put on a porn flick and didn’t watch until the end.

Music 101

Good Times

So many Seventies sitcom theme songs for shows set in contemporary times that addressed the character’s (or characters’), um, situations in life: All In The Family, Mary Tyler Moore, The Jeffersons, Welcome Back, Kotter, Laverne & Shirley, Alice, Lotsa Luck, One Day At A Time and WKRP In Cincinnati all fit this model. But I’ve chosen a song from the first solely African-American sitcom I can remember that, unlike Sanford and Son, actually had lyrics. In an era when Motown and Philly Soul was flourishing, this uptempo tune was, dare I say it, Dy-No-Mite!

Remote Patrol

GOP Debate

9 p.m. Fox News Channel

If Kelly weren’t so damn annoying, Donald would probably ask her out.

It was Joan Rivers who turned “Can we talk?” into a catchphrase, but it is the rest of the GOP field who have been thinking that since Donald Trump first stepped to the podium last August. That’s when Megyn Kelly asked him about his misogynistic quotes, a question that so offended the Donald that, long story short, he has vowed not to appear in tonight’s Fox-sponsored debate. So in a sense, Kelly has already won tonight’s debate.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 37th to our favorite AWOL wife, Rosamund Pike. Shame on Ben for inciting Pike’s pique.

Starting Five

It was this kind of mismatch

1. (Blake) Griffin Done (For Now)

First of all, let’s agree that being the equipment manager for an NBA team is so much easier than being one for an NFL or MLB team. Football equipment managers are right below auto mechanics, or have you never had to use a screwdriver to adjust a helmet or shoulder pads on the fly?

Anyway, we still don’t know what the argument was about, but Korean vehicle pitchman/Clipper Blake Griffin is going to miss four to six weeks after fracturing the fourth metatarsal (“No, I never have metatarsal”) by punching Clipper assistant equipment manager Matias Testi in the face. It happened outside a restaurant in Toronto. Funny, no one is saying how long Testi will be out.

By the way, Griffin already was out with a partially torn quad. But the Clippers are in fourth place in the West, so no one’s been paying much attention to them. They’re actually the 4th-most interesting team in California this season.

2. The Admirable

Robinson’s platform? Make Notre Dame great again! “We don’t win any more…on the road against Top 10 opponents!”

Yesterday, the Notre Dame Observer reported that senior-to-be wide receiver Corey Robinson, son of David Robinson, The Admiral, is running for student body president. I assume he’s doing this in order to put it on his transcript so that he will be able to get accepted to a prestigious college.

A little bit? Oh yeah, more than a little bit.

Anyway, Corey has always come off as an erudite gridder. Talented musician, well-spoken, catches tough balls in the corner (remember the TD versus USC last October? Not easy). He even physically resembles the younger version of another president we know of.

Election day in South Bend is February 10. If elected, Robinson would become the first student body president in Notre Dame history to have caught a game-winning touchdown pass versus Florida State.

3. Mammoth Discovery

Does this mean the song “Tusk” really belongs to Oregon State and not USC?

Yesterday, in the most blatant display yet that God would like to see Oregon State change its mascot name from beavers, construction workers found bones from a woolly mammoth beneath the end zone of Reser Stadium in Corvallis.

The Oregon State Mammoths? I like it.

Bison and camel bones—yes, camel—were also excavated. The bones were believed to be 10,000 years old.

4. Tyler Sash: CTE

Sash, here at Iowa, won a Super Bowl with the Giants

Yesterday it was revealed that former Iowa Hawkeye and New York Giant Tyler Sash, who died last September 8 at the age of 27 of an accidental overdose of pain medications, had an unusually advanced stage of CTE in his brain at the time of his death.

Sash was cut by the Giants in 2013 after what was at least his fifth concussion. If you ever had the chance to watch Sash, a safety and punt returner, play, then you remember he was a cage rattler. Tyler Sash gave his life for football. Pure and simple.

5. Abe Vigoda

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d30Y0n1nDH4

So I’m sitting here feeling old realizing that I’m nearly the same age Abe Vigoda was when he appeared as Sal Tessio in The Godfather. Vigoda, who most New Yorkers that have lived here awhile saw on the street at least once (he was as easy a find as Tony Bennett or Beth Ostrovsky), passed away at the age of 94 yesterday. “Tom, can you get me off the hook, for old time’s sake?” “Can’t do it, Sal.”

To those of us who grew up in the Seventies, Vigoda was also Detective Fish on Barney Miller (and later, Fish). But he may be just as famous for having outlived everyone’s expectations of his mortality, over and over and over again. When you think about it, he was only in his fifties when he appeared in those sitcoms.

It’s morbid, but we’re at the point where we may need to begin ranking January celebrity deaths: Bowie, Rickman, Frey, Haggerty, Vigoda. At least four of them will make the Oscars death montage next month.

Music 101

The Muppet Show

It’s the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational theme song ever written! Decades before “meta-” became part of our vernacular, The Muppets performed just such a song to open their show, one that included audience participation (“Why don’t you get things started?”)

Remote Patrol

Djokovic vs. Federer

ESPN 9 p.m.

May the best hair win….

Roger Federer, 34, and Novak Djokovic, 28, have each won 22 matches against the other in their careers. But Djokovic has won their last three Grand Slam matches and has clearly overtaken the Splendid Swiss, and everyone else, in tennis.

Tonight they meet in the Australian Open semis. Federer owns 17 Grand Slams, the most of anyone, and Djokovic 10. But the Serbian has won four of the past five Aussie Opens. And he still has at least five good years ahead of him.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 55th to No. 99. The Great One was once more than Paulina’s dad.

Starting Five

Serena has 21 Grand Slams singles titles. The aptly named Margaret Court, who was in the stands at Rod Laver Stadium yesterday/today, is the all-time leader with 24.

1. Survive ‘Er

That’s 18 in a row for Serena Williams over Maria Sharapova, who is either the second-best player of this generation or the best not named Williams. I’m not sure if the Sochi native is familiar with Pedro Martinez’s “The Yankees are my daddy” line. Serena advances to the semifinals in Melbourne.

Eliminated from the doubles competition….Now she’s just occupying Blank Space.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, The Bachelor guy Ben had to choose between a pair of twins who are Taylor Swift doppelgängers. I’m sure at some point he approached the producers behind the scenes and asked, “Why can’t we just think of them as a matched set?” Eventually he chose Emily—or was it Haley?—or at least he told himself, “Who cares? I can’t tell them apart anyway.” I thought he should have had to been compelled to look whoever was getting dumped in the eye and say her name as he dumped her, but Ben took the coward’s way out (as we all do when we’re dumping one of the two twins we’re hooking  up with), placed them on a sofa, and just spat out one of their names (also, to be fair, I was hoping their Paula Dean mom was going to spring a third daughter on him, Hilga).

Anyway, I’m still waiting for Black and or Gay or Ex-Con Bachelor.

2. Amy, You Got Some ‘Splainin’ To Do

Remember last week’s “Amy Schumer Is a Joke Thief” story, which seemed to be walking the tightrope between controversy and nontroversy? Well, apparently there is some meat on that bone, after all, as a video came to public knowledge in which Inside Amy Schumer uses two of the identical gags in a skit that has an identical set-up: a magician gets a woman in the sack for the first time.

The above is from “Reasons Not To Date a Magician,” which aired in 2013. Now look at Schumer’s bit from her show, which aired a year later:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQfOI_mRM-o&feature=iv&src_vid=CW7e4T1CVlM&annotation_id=annotation_1320262387#t=2m25s

Granted, this is nearly two years old and we’re all just learning about it now. But we are learning about it. Now I’m just wondering who Amy stole Jennifer Lawrence from?

3. Happy Together

They lost in double overtime due to a Troy Daniels 3, but the Sacramento Kings were the story last night in NorCal. DeMarcus Cousins scored 56 points, most in the NBA this season, while Rajon Rondo dished out 20 assists, which tied his own mark for most assists in the NBA this season.

Two relatively dysfunctional players who have found one another and are flourishing. The Cleveland Cavs could learn something from this pair. If I were the Kings, I’d trade for Matt Barnes and either J.R. or Josh Smith (or both) and just go completely rogue.

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you/For all my life/When you’re with me, baby, the skies are all blue/For all my life…”

Oh, and the Dubs beat the Spurs by 30 in what was supposed to be a big game. Steph Curry scored 37 and was pure vintage Steph, who sat out the entire fourth quarter (Pop: “I’m just glad my general manager wasn’t in the locker room cuz it might’ve gotten me fired.”). He’s the most transcendent NBA player since MJ. Because he’s doing things no one else does. You can say he’s just improving on Pete Maravich’s act, and maybe you’re right, but that was 40 years ago. And, unlike, Pistol, his teammates and opponents like and respect him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq1oUk7sgRY

The Pistol. Watch and learn. This is for you, Joe Schmidt.

4. Kitten, Please

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjEusWO6VPg

I love Key and Peele.

I love my kitty.

I love George Michael songs.

I love the 17th Street Blips.
I’ll be seeing Keanu. April 29.

5. Hey Now!

You are doing God’s work, Jerry. Keep it up.

That feeling you get when you realize it has been more than a week since you’ve checked the “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee” site and that there’s probably a new episode and comedian.

This week Jerry and his old friend, former University of Arizona electrical engineering student Garry Shandling, figuratively take a trip down memory lane in a Porsche 911. They visit the Comedy Store, where each got their start, and CBS Studios, where Seinfeld and The Larry Sanders Show taped at the same time in the early Nineties.

Two takeaways…

(SPOILERS COMING)

1. Great line by Shandling on how when people say, “He was in his sixties. He was too young….” that the only thing that can possibly follow is “to die.”
2. Jerry rightly praises Garry for being the progenitor of the sitcom style that was later used by The Office (both versions), Parks & Rec, Community, et al. He was there first for that, though many people forget it. Hey now!

Not For Nothing

Today, a new segment, which we are sure we’ll fail to follow through on (“Where In The World” would we get that idea?), in which we make a plea for something to change, kinda meaning it, but not wanting to ruffle anyone’s feathers too much…

“Not for nothing, but why wouldn’t the Washington Wizards revert to using these vintage Baltimore Bullets unis all the time? They’re SO MUCH better. I got you, Big E.”

Earl the Pearl thinks about whether it is wise to go up against Elvin Hayes. That other Knickerbocker in the background is John Gianelli. Don’t ask. Circa 1971 or ’72, I’m guessing.

Music 101

The Ballad of Gilligan’s Isle

“A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.” In the Sixties the premises behind sitcoms were so whack (“A talking horse!” “A Martian roommate!” “A Genie who looks like Barbie!” “His mom is a car!”) that often theme songs were entirely devoted to exposition (“The next thing you know/Old Jed’s a millionaire/The kinfolk say, ‘Jed, move away from there!”) (<–By the way, I’m convinced that “The Beverly Hillbillies,” just like “Legally Blonde,” sprang up AFTER someone made the pun and not the other way around).

And hence, this ballad told us the story of how these seven castaways got lost. As opposed to the show Lost, whose theme song no one remembers and which never really explained why or how they got there, from what I hear. Anyway, series creator Sherwood Schwartz co-wrote the song along with George Wyle, and then they hired a folk group, The Wellingtons, to perform it.

Nobody gets the Professor’s odds in real life. Nobody.

In the second season of Gilligan’s Island, the Wellingtons appeared as a shipwrecked rock band named The Mosquitoes (remember, the Beatles were big at the time) and their names were Bingo, Bango, Bongo and Irving.

“Hey, where are their amplifiers and mics?”
“Stop asking so many questions, li’l buddy.”

I can’t recall if any, or all, of them hooked up with Ginger. And I still don’t know why Ginger went on that cruise solo. Did she think it was some sort of Minnesota Viking party boat?

Remote Patrol

Chicago Med/Chicago Fire

8 p.m. NBC

There’s no on in the cast of Chicago Fire named O’Leary. Another missed opportunity at NBC….

Chicago Med. Chicago Fire. Not to be confused with Chicago Hope. Or Chicago Sons. Honestly, what does Salt Lake City have to do to get a show named after it? Or Des Moines? Our friend and loyal reader GA suggested Chicago DMV, but don’t laugh. If someone at NBC reads this, they may just green light that. In the meantime, watch The Grinder on Fox at 9:30 p.m. It’s actually decent.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 38th to Princess Charlene of Monaco, who is already on top of the world. She looks more like her deceased mother-in-law than her own daughters

Before she was a princess, Charlene was an Olympic swimmer for South Africa who competed in Sydney…

Starting Five

The Flatiron Building, Saturday afternoon.

1. #EastCoastSoWhite

On Saturday New York City was pounded with 26.8 inches of snow. Officials say that is 1/10th of an inch shy of the record, but to be honest, I didn’t care for the spot.

This was Times Square…

And  yet on Sunday night New Yorkers were treated to this sunset…

2. Gronk

Sunday’s quick notes from Denver for the Pats: Gronkowski good, Gostkowski bad.

I’m Tom Brady of the New England Patriots, trailing by 8, and it’s a potential season-ending drive. Fourth-and-10 from midfield? Me find Gronk. Good.

Fourth-and-goal from the six? Me find Gronk.  Good. Touchdown, Gronk.

Now it’s 20-18. Need two. Roll out right. But nobody open. Great defense, Denver.  Tipped, intercepted. No look for Gronk. Bad.

Another AFC playoff, another 87: Gronk’s fourth down catch was redolent of Oakland’s “Ghost to the Post,” a 42-yarder in the 1977 AFC playoffs from Ken Stabler to my man, Dave Casper. Unbelievably, only one of those two men is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Weirdness: Gostkowski’s missed PAT in the first quarter was his first in 524 tries in his NFL career….Brady was New England’s leading rusher with 13 yards…this will be he 7th time a quarterback drafted by the Colts will be leading the Broncos to the Super Bowl (John Elway, 5; Peyton Manning, 2).

3. Trust Falls In Charlotte

After Luke Kuechly’s pick six late in Carolina’s destruction of Arizona, this fan fell quite swiftly out of the stands and landed hard on the turf. If only Carson Palmer (4 INTs) had thrown the poor man, some Panther would have intercepted him before he hit terra firma.

Panthers won, 49-15. But our TSA Super Bowl (“Pats Pants”) has been denied.

4. Take a Bow, Neil

MacDonald also has a thing or two to say about those new KFC ads, I gather.

Here’s CBC senior correspondent, a.k.a. Canadian journalist Neil MacDonald—Norm’s older brother by six years—wondering if American political discourse can stoop any lower. I think he’s talking about you, GOP. Perhaps it takes an outsider to write with such clarity, or maybe Canadians and/or MacDonalds are simply more intelligent, but what a concise and precise piece of surgery this is…

In her solipsistic return to the campaign trail last week, Sarah Palin blamed President Barack Obama for the fact that her military reservist son punched his girlfriend in the face, then drunkenly threatened to kill himself with an assault rifle before winding up under arrest, facing criminal charges.

Then…

The audience roared.

Followed by….

Forgotten by the fevered crowd was the supposedly bedrock conservative principle that people are responsible for their own actions, and that it’s time to stop blaming society.

5. Blatt’s Entertainment*

“Don’t worry, Dave, we have some lovely parting gifts for you. And here’s Susie B. to tell you what you’ve won…”

*The judges will also accept “Cold in Cleveland…”

Yes, the Cavs lost by 34 at home on Monday to Golden State, then four days later fired coach David Blatt. Never mind that Blatt went 17-4 in his final 21 games and that three of the final four losses were to either the Warriors or San Antonio Spurs.

The new coach is Tyronn Lue, who said that he wouldn’t be doing things “differently” but “better.”
We’ll see.

Worth noting: The Lakers once won an NBA championship under coach Paul Westhead, led by a 6’9″ force of nature named Magic Johnson,. Then it was Earvin who engineered Westhead’s dismissal early the next season. The Lakers would go on to win four rings under Pat Riley, a coach who, like Lue, was a former Laker reserve who’d won a ring with L.A. and who had never been a head coach before. So at least there is precedent.

The Cavs did lose their first game under Lue on Saturday night.

Just as a helpful note, Tyronn Lue is the former Laker guard now coaching an NBA Eastern Conference team that Matt Barnes does not want to kill.

Music 101

Eight Is Enough

It’s TV show theme song week, and we’ll be biased toward our own youth on this one. Here’s the theme from Eight Is Enough, which was actually sung by Grant Goodeve, who played oldest son David. This isn’t the original theme song—that was an instrumental.

If you’re not familiar with the show, it was a fantasy about a man who works at a newspaper but can still afford to raise eight children and own a nice home in the leafy suburbs to boot.

Remote Patrol

Spurs at Warriors

10:30 p.m. NBA TV 

Kawhi is an All-Star starter next month, and deservedly so.

Is there a Dire Straits tune that begins with Sting wailing, “I want my NBA TV?” Because I don’t have it, and this is the first time I’ve wanted it. The Dubs (40-4) host the Spurs (38-6) in their first of four scheduled meetings this season. Here are the NBA’s two best, and not coincidentally, least dysfunctional teams in the NBA. Should be fun. SAS is well-rested after two days off in sunny California. No excuses for the old guys, but Tim Duncan will sit out anyway (“DNP-Old”).