Songs for the Sox

Hey St. Louis, do you like apples?

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So let’s say you’re a sports fan who was born in Boston in 1995. You’ve won 13 titles since you were five years old. (I’m from Minnesota, in these parts NCAA Hockey titles count too.) That’s absurd, but good for you.

As the Hub floats along on another sports high, here are the top 10 songs since the turn of the century about Boston for you to have one while toasting baseball’s champions. We’re obviously not counting “Sweet Caroline” because it’s from the ’60’s, even though it’s become a high point of games at Fenway Park. (About Boston? No, but Neil Diamond admitted he wrote it with JFK’s kid in mind.) Has it become too kitschy? No, and if you think so, you take things too seriously. If drunk hoods from Southie can sing it, who are you to frown?

10. “Outside of a Dream”— The Push Stars, March, 2004

The Patriots started this ridiculous run in 2002, but it was the Sox win in 2004 that seemed to burst the dam. I’m cheating right off the bat, because this song isn’t about Boston, but it’s by a Boston band and came out just before the baseball season started in 2004. It’s a song that Sox fans no longer have to feel such kinship with.

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9. “Boston (Ladies of Cambridge)“– Vampire Weekend, October, 2007

The b-side of Mansard Roof, it drops enough Boston references to make the list. Not exactly a party song, but bouncy enough to maybe listen to in the shower before you hit the Hub to get feckin’ hammuhed.

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8. “Boston”– Patty Griffin, October, 2013

This one just came out earlier this month, it’s not even on YouTube yet. Check it out on I-Tunes. Review says, “a scorching full-band blast that can’t be tamed”.

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7. “I’m Shipping Up To Boston”— Dropkick Murphys, July, 2005

Well, yes, this entire list could be made up of Dropkick Murphys songs. Loud and tough, just like this little fucker below.  Fuck you too.

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6. “Boston”— Kenny Chesney, January, 2005

A tip of the cap to all the ladies from Boston. Some of whom are cool enough to hold up this sign.

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5. “Boston”— Augustana, August, 2006

“I think I’ll go to Boston, I think I’ll start a new life, I think I’ll start it over.” That could have been Big Papi after the Twins let him go.

Ok, so maybe none of the hoodrats from Southie are listening to this when they’re out with the boys. Maybe in their “late at night with Skylar moments?”

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4. “Boston, USA”— The Ducky Boys, November, 2004

I bet this kid loves this song, I bet he does. Too good not to use twice.

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3. “For Boston”– Dropkick Murphys, February, 2001

The band of Boston takes the Boston College fight song and puts their spin on it. Cool.

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2. “Young New England”— Transit, April, 2013

The song came out days before the bombing at the Boston Marathon. It does a great job of capturing the spirit of the city. At least the spirit of the young drinkers, of whom there are many. They had a blast last night. And they will tonight and tomorrow night and the night after that.

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1. “Tessie”— Dropkick Murphys, August, 2004

The Red Sox anthem. I’m not impressed by much when it comes to sports bars, but I was really impressed on the night of Sunday, October 17, 2004, at a place called Sliders in Plainville, CT. I had ordered take out wings and showed up to pick them up during David Ortiz’s at bat. Ortiz hit a walk-off homer that got the Sox on the board in the series against the Yankees. It’s the loudest I’ve ever heard a bar in my life. The walls were shaking. People were hugging and crying. This song came on, I’d never heard it before, but I think I was the only one who hadn’t and people sang along loud and proud. I was dumbfounded. Ten days later the Sox had won their eighth straight game and the World Series. I had downloaded the song by then and was a Sox fan for at least a month.

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Cheers, Boston.

— Bill Hubbell

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Halloween! (10/31)

Spooky Five

The Fountain of Youk. Can we just pretend that he played for the 2013 World Series champs?

1. The Lost Year of Kevin Youkilis

Look at this guy. This is what Kevin Youkilis, long one of the most popular players on Boston’s roster, looked like when he wasn’t even trying to out-beard his Red Sox teammates. If there is one player who perfectly embodied the 2013 Red Sox, a scruffy team of overachieving, grinding, burly white dudes who look more suited for a beer-league softball game than the World Series, it’s Youk. Beloved in Boston, too.

Youk broke in as a rookie with the Sox in 2004, which just happened to coincide with their first World Series championship in 86 years. He helped them to two World Series titles.

But last season Bobby Valentine, who in his one season as manager of the Sox achieved the type of popularity in the Hub that only Alex Rodriguez can appreciated, thought Will Middlebrooks the superior third baseman and got Youk shipped out of town to the other Sox (in Youk’s final at-bat in Fenway Park with the Red Sox, he hit a triple and was given a standing O as he was lifted for a pinch runner). Valentine and Youk also clashed very early on in Bobby V’s brief tenure.

Comes the 2012 off-season and Youk, now a free agent, signs a one-year, $12 million deal with the loathesome Yankees. Must shave his beard. Plays all of 28 games and bats .219 before shutting it down for the season in June with back problems.

Razors and Youkilis just don’t agree.

Youk, 34, is now a free agent again. His agent says that he is unlikely to return to the Yankees. Middlebrooks, after batting 4 for 24 in the ALDS and ALCS, had just two at-bats in the World Series and no hits. He himself was replaced by rookie Xander Bogaerts, who hit .238 in the Fall Classic.

Maybe Youkilis would have still suffered the herniated disc and missed most of the season as a Red Sox. Still, it was so odd to see all those Red Sox players sporting unruly red beards celebrating a World Series title at Fenway –for the first time in 95 seasons — and to not see the dude who inspired that look. To not even hear FOX mention him once (if they did, I missed it).

We were thinking of you here, Youk.

2. The Phoenix Sons?

Miles Plumlee had a double-double in his Suns debut.

Second-year power forward Miles Plumlee –that’s right, the bad Plumlee — busted the box score last night with an 18-point, 15-rebound performance in his debut for the Phoenix Sunx, a 104-91 victory against the Portland Trail Blazers. What is it about the Suns, who seem to gravitate –that’s right, a Sun gravitating; think about it — toward putting at least one if not both NBA-level brothers on their roster.

From twins Dick and Tom Van Arsdale (1976-77 season; Dick Van Arsdale had been with the franchise since its inaugural season in 1968-69 and is known as “The Original Sun”, as opposed to ball hog Paul Westphal, the “Black Hole Sun”) to twins Markieff and Marcus Morris, who are currently on the roster.

Miles Plumlee is the older brother of Mason Plumlee, a rookie with the Brooklynettes. Last night’s opponent, Portland, started Robin Lopez at center. Lopez is a former Sun whose own twin, Brook, starts at center for the Nets (yes, Brook is in Brooklyn).

If only they’d been triplets, I think Harry Van Arsdale could have made it in the NBA.

Other NBA brother tandems in which at least one brother –almost always the less talented one– has donned a Suns uniform: the Zellers (Luke), the Collins (Jarron; another set of twin big men out of Stanford, like the Lopezes), and the Griffins (Taylor, not Blake).

Worth noting: Both Van Arsdales played college ball at Indiana, both Morrises at Kanasas, both Plumlees at Duke.

Even the Suns’ new general manager, Ryan McDonough, has a brother you know: CBS sports caster Sean McDonough.

I’m waiting for the Suns to acquire Pau or Marc Gasol (both too talented) but think that, as they aspire to win the Alan Wiggins lottery, that they’ll sign recently released guard Seth Curry, younger brother of Stephen.

(Update: Loyal MH reader @okerland informs me that Kelly Miller, whose twin sister Co Co is also a WNBA player, used to suit up for the Phoenix Mercury. Reggie Miller never played for the Suns but his sister, Cheryl, did coach the Mercury for four seasons).

3. Who is SI’s Sportsman of the Year?

Sportsmen of the Beard? The cover would look something like this, except with Big Papi in the middle.

The end of baseball season means two things at Sports Illustrated: the swimsuit models are already out on location, shooting their pics for the annual February cash-grab (and occasionally sending a writer along to ogle report on the action), and that the choice for Sportsman of the Year is ready for vetting. Your most likely candidates:

1) Boston Red Sox: A push for pathos, bookending the Boston Marathon tragedy with the first World Series title clinched at Fenway Park since Babe Ruth was in uniform (and before the Green Monster existed at Fenway Park). Or you could give it to Big Papi alone, but then you lose out on all the beards on the cover (reminder to SI photo editor Brad Smith: you’ll want to shoot this cover before they all shave). The managing editor and a top editor whose specialty is baseball were both raised in New England and both attended college in Boston, so don’t be surprised.

SI could present its first Sportsman and Anti-Sportsman of the Year awards to the Manning brothers.

2) Peyton Manning: For the “Football On Your Phone” video alone, he deserves it. The elder Manning bro inspires obsequious overtures from broadcasters whenever he plays, but granted he is on pace to set an NFL record for touchdown passes in a season. And it wasn’t HIS fault the Broncos lost in the playoffs last January…to the eventual Super Bowl champions. Besides, an NFL quarterback has not earned this honor since 2010 (Drew Brees), and I’m sure the gang at MMQB is reminding the top editors of that fact.

Dark horse candidate Kate Upton: It would be her fourth SI cover in under 2 years and lets’ face it, this photo would outsell Big Papi.

3) Rafael Nadal AND Serena Williams: The two birds-one stone route, and you shut up assistant ME and tennis aficionado L. Jon Wertheim for the next decade. Both players won two Grand Slams in 2013 and both finished No. 1. Nadal, at 27, should surpass one-time rival Roger Federer’s mark of 17 Grand Slam singles titles. The speedy Spaniard currently has 13. Williams, at 32, has 17 Grand Slam titles, which trails Margaret Court’s pre-Open era record of 24. She probably won’t catch the aptly named Court, but she could tie modern-era record holder Steffi Graf, who has 22, if she remains as disciplined as she has been the past 16 months.

4. How Many Beards In This Photo?

Sailors (right) and her husband can’t understand why folks mistake them for a gay couple…not that there’s anything….

That’s model Elliott Sailors above. When she’s not shearing off her blonde locks and dressing like an eighth grade boy, she looks like this:

But there are a lot of pretty blondes out there –just ask any SEC quarterback — which makes it difficult to stand out. So why not cut your locks, do the whole androgynous thing, land yourself a Today Show appearance (easier than running through a horde or USC defenders without your helmet on), and let people know that you also do male modeling? In Sailors’ defense, she is six-foot-two.

It worked, though. Here I am doing an item on her.

And as long as I’m on the whole modeling thing, my local newsstand has the current issues of Esquire and French Vogue displayed side by side, which is sort of funny. The former cover features actress Scarlett Johansson with the hed “Sexiest Woman Alive”…

…while the latter publication features Lithuanian model Edita Vilkeviciute giving that honorific a serious challenge.

Then again Edita never sang a karaoke version of “Brass in Pocket”, so until she does…

5. “Aaron McKie…Aaron McKie…Aaron McKie…”

Not surprisingly, Allen Iverson’s retirement press conference yesterday (you’re reading that correctly; The Answer, 38, last played in the NBA in 2010 but chose yesterday to make it official) was a compelling watch. The refrain “practice” was replaced by “Aaron McKie”, a nod to his former 76er teammate who apparently helped AI through a lot of stuff that we’ll never know about. Until the biography comes out.

Listening to the PTI guys discuss Iverson’s retirement, I couldn’t help but agree that there’s a certain melancholy and worry around Iverson’s retirement. Basketball is all he know, it’s all he do. How will he handle the next phase of his life and is he even fiscally solvent (that’s where the biography or ghost-written autobiography enters play)?

One thing to take away: a lot of boys grow up wanting to emulate Allen Iverson. They should grow up also wanting to emulate Aaron McKie.

Reserves

As a chick, Lauer could sort of use some rhinoplasty, no?

That’s Carmen Electra, Willie Geist and Matt Lauer sporting Halloween costumes on The Today Show. Over at “Ghoul Morning, America”, Sam Champion dressed in drag (I’ll hold my tongue here). I can’t imagine former Today hosts Tom Brokaw or Bryant Gumbel ever playing along with such shenanigans.

If you had “Bo” in the “Which Pelini brother is having the worse week?” sweepstakes, you were WRONG! Who knew?

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Golson: “Poor judgement.”

Our man Andy Staples of Sports Illustrated scores one of the season’s bigger, if not biggest, gets, an exclusive interview with former (and soon-to-be future) Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson. Andy tries his best, but he never succeeds in getting the elusive Golson to use the term “cheat.”

A 2014 primer for college football scribes: The quarterback’s name is spelled “G-0-l-s-o-n” and the running back’s name is spelled “F-o-l-s-t-o-n.”

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Kevin-Up(date)

Love, here conquering not all but at least the Magic.

Kevin Durant has the high scoring game of the NBA season’s first two nights, a 42-point effort in a victory versus the Utah Jazz. Kevin Love posts a 31-point, 17-rebound double-double. He also hit a game-tying three to send the game into OT versus Orlando in a game that the T-Wolves eventually won. Good to see some things don’t change.

Remote Patrol

Arizona State at Washington State

ESPN 10:30 p.m.

Swords with Friends: Here’s hoping the Pirate Captain dons a costume for tonight’s Pac-12 contest.

Sparky. Spooky. Will Mike Leach roam the sidelines brandishing a cutlass and an eye-patch? Will Arizona State athletic director Steve Patterson, who yesterday spurned any overtures from Texas to become their next AD, sport this suit in public on the Palouse? Has Cougar quarterback Connor Halliday’s arm recovered from the 89 pass attempts he tried at Oregon 11 days earlier? Tune in and see.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Wednesday, October 30

Starting Five

At a moment like this, sharks are the least of your worries.

1. Doing ‘The Wave’

That’s Carlos Burle of Brazil at the Praia do Norte, just off the coast of Portugal, most likely setting a world-record for the tallest wave ever surfed. Wave-measurement is an inexact science, but it is believed that Burle, riding out a remnant of the St. Jude’s storm that has rocked the European coast, topped the record of 78 feet set by Garrett McNamara in 2011 (McNamara was on the scene to witness Burle’s ride and, in the spirit of big-wave surfing bonhomie, seemed genuinely pleased for Burle).

Only one day earlier Burle had been towing another Brazilian surfer, Maya Gabeira, when the wave crashed down upon her and knocked her unconscious. As these pictures attest, Burle performed CPR on her and most likely saved her life. The following day, he set his record.

Author Susan Casey, with Laird Hamilton (as Gabriella warns, “Hands off my husband’s board!”)

If you want to learn more about big-wave surfing and the mental state of people who attempt it, I highly recommend Susan Casey’s “The Wave.” While the entire tome may have been one attractive middle-aged female’s literary quest to at least flirt with Laird Hamilton, it’s still an incredible read.

2. Beyond Ruthian

Big Papi has yet to strike out in the World Series.

David Ortiz is hitting .733 in a World Series and it’s not taking place in Williamsport, Pa. Just to be clear.

The greatest batting average in a World Series belongs to Mickey Hatcher of the Cincinnati Reds in 1990, who in a four-game sweep of the Oakland A’s went 9 for 12 (.750). However, if you up the plate appearances to beyond Hatcher’s 15 (Hatcher drew two walks and there was probably a fielder’s choice involved), no one tops Ortiz’s .733. The next highest batting average in a World Series beyond 15 PA’s belongs to Babe Ruth, who hit .625 in a four-game sweep of these very St. Louis Cardinals in 1928 (revenge for being thrown out by the Cards as he was attempting to steal second to make the last out in Game 7 of the ’26 World Series).

A couple more things: Ortiz, who still needs to bat tonight and thus see his average fall (though the Cards could very well walk him every time at-bat), has yet to strike out this World Series. His teammates, who are batting a collective .151, have struck out 50 times.

It was only three seasons ago that inveterate Boston columnist Dan Shaughnessy wrote in a piece that appeared on SI.com that “Ortiz will never again be the slugger he once was.”

Which begs the following questions: Has Ortiz, at 37, simply come all the way back from his injuries and enjoying the fruits of both recovered good health and experience? Or is Ortiz, who was one of 100 players named in a 2009 New York Times piece as one of roughly 100 players whom baseball put on its doping list in 2003, gone Armstrong on us and we’re just too infatuated to care?

Recall, Ortiz was literally released by the Minnesota Twins after the 2002 season. No other team would accept him in a trade, and then Boston signed him for $1.25 million. Ortiz, who broke in back in 1997, has had a Hall of Fame career since then with the exception of 2008 and 2009 when he hit .264 and.238, respectively, and had his lowest home run totals in a full season of play since joining the Red Sox.

Don’t accuse me of accusing him. Accuse me of, in a year that has given us the Lance Armstrong and Ryan Braun mea culpas, of at least broaching the subject.

3. It’s NOT The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Dracula puts the moves on Francesca

Last week I was scrolling through lists after typing in the Google search, “Best Halloween Specials”, hunting for a Halloween special I’d watched as a lad but whose title I had forgotten. Not one search list included the stop-action animation film I’d recalled seeing but eventually, by typing in words that sounded correct (“Monster”, for one), I found it.

“Mad Monster Party.”

The film is available on Netflix and it’s a hoot. Released in 1967, it possesses the same appetite for camp that another show of that era, “Batman”, did. The premise is that Dr. Frankenstein –voiced here by the legendary Boris Karloff, who is the DeNiro of horror movies — is retiring from the monster-making business and has convened all the world’s top monsters to an island to announce an heir to his throne.

It’s basically “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” with fangs.

Phyllis and her mate, in the film. In her act Diller used to refer to a husband named “Fang”, which was entirely ficitional.

One of the funnier conceits: Phyllis Diller plays the Frankenstein monster’s mate, and her puppet caricature looks, well, EXACTLY like her.

4. The Season of Swaggy P

Swaggy P: “Basketball jones, I gotta basketball jones, I got a basketball jones, oh baby, ooh ooh ooh”

The intramural rivalry and season debut of the Los Angeles Clippers and Lakers was not two minutes old when Stephen Douglas of The Big Lead tweeted, “Nick Young is already my all-time favorite Laker.”

Mine, too! Young, who grew up in the Southland and played college hoops just an exit or two down the Harbor Freeway at USC, made his Lakers debut last night and appeared more than prepared to pick up the swagger slack caused by the absence of one Kobe Bean Bryant. The acrobatic Young, who goes by the nom de hoop of Swaggy P, is a seven-year NBA veteran, but he was totally out of his element playing on the East Coast in D.C. and Philly (he did play one season for the Clips, but we’ve all forgotten that, too).

The six-foot-seven Young scored 13 points as the Lakers surprised their rude co-tenants, 116-103. Sure, three other Lakers scored more points and their entire 41-point 4th-quarter barrage was scored by the second unit, but Young’s flash stood out. He’s brazen, and a world in which Kobe must sit by in street clothes and quietly rank the Laker Girls in his head to pass the time, We need Nick Young.

If only this SI cover (that’s former Clippers Young and Chris Kaman) had actually appeared.

The Lakers are plucky underdogs, damnit, and that doesn’t happen often. And Nick Young is their flag-bearer. You strut your bad stuff, Swaggy P.

5. Go Duck Yourselves

Torrents of rain notwithstanding, the denizens of Autzen are fair-weather fans.

A former University of Oregon football player attended Saturday night’s game versus UCLA at Autzen Stadium and came away thinking Duck fans are quack. Then he wrote a letter to John Canzano of The Oregonian about it. Is anyone really that surprised by their behavior?

You may recall that a disgruntled Duck alum wrote a first-year Oregon coach after Oregon lost its 2009 opener and whined that he deserved his money back for having traveled to watch such a putrid effort. The alum, Tony Seminary, even sent the coach an invoice for $439. And that Duck coach sent Seminary a check for that amount.

The coach, of course, was Chip Kelly, who would go on to win 46 of his next 52 games as Oregon’s coach. But you can see why he left for Philadelphia now, no?

Remote Patrol

Game 6, World Series

FOX 8 p.m.

Never mind Helen of Troy. You can sell a bleacher seat for north of $1,000 and watch the game on TV.

Remember that scene in “Good Will Hunting” in which Sean Maguire tells Will Hunting that he scalped his ticket for Game 6 of the 1975 World Series after telling his buddies he had to “go see about a girl.”? Well, if you find yourself in a bar on Yawkey Way tonight with a ducat to Game 6, just know that you can probably hawk it for at least $1,100 and as much as $12,000, according to StubHub. And yes, the last time Fenway Park hosted a World Series Game 5 was the night Sean met his future wife.

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Tuesday, October 29

Starting Five

That threshold carry should be something to see.

1. The Bride Wore…Heels?

Some might say they found love in a hopeless place…the 31 inches that roughly separate their lips. On the other hand Sultan Kosen, who at eight-foot-three is, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the world’s tallest living human, does happen to be tall, dark and handsome. Kosen, of Turkey, wed Marve Dibo, who is five-foot-eight, because he has never heard of the WNBA.

2. The Return of Golden Tate Warrior

Tate to Rams: Buh-bye.

Seattle wide receiver Golden Tate, who last year made the most infamous catch, a.k.a. the “Fail Mary”, on Monday Night Football in ages, scored the only two touchdowns in last night’s 14-9 MNF win for Seattle. At the end of his second TD grab, an 80-yard bomb from Russell Wilson, GTW taunted the Rams secondary some. Nothing new for anyone who watched him play at Notre Dame.

Tate swan dives into Sparty’s band…

Two best Golden Tate TDs. The first, after the go-ahead score versus Michigan State in 2009, when he launches himself directly into the Michigan State band. The second, later that year, when Tate takes a crushing shot (1:40 mark of video) from USC safety Taylor Mays, who at the time had a rep as the college game’s most notorious head hunter, as he hauls in a short TD pass from Jimmy Clausen. Not only did the Weebles-built Tate not fall, but he stared at Mays, who did fall, as he casually flipped the football as if to ask, “That all you got?”

FYI: Listeners to my podcast, The Grotto, heard former ND QB Evan Sharpley inform us that as a freshman Tate always line up on the side of the Notre Dame bench so that the coaching staff could tell him what route he needed to run.

3. From Velvet Underground to Under Ground

Reed with his wife, fellow rocker Laurie Anderson.

New York native Lou Reed, whose music was inextricably woven into the rock-and-roll fabric of this city, died over the weekend at the age of 71. The culprit: liver disease. Besides his work with The Velvet Underground, Reed gave us “Walk on the Wild Side” and “Dirty Boulevard”, two songs you will hear on any jukebox at any dive bar in the Big Apple if you stick around for three beers. Lou Reed gave the world those two songs spent his last hours in his home in Amagansett, Long Island, with family before succumbing to that ol’ mortal coil. Not bad. Not bad at all.

My favorite, most haunting song that Reed was involved with is “Femme Fatale”, here sung by the gorgeous Nico. REM covered this tune as well as “There She Goes Again” on their album “Dead Letter Office.”

Classics include “Femme Fatale”, “There She Goes Again”, “I’m Waiting For The Man” and “Heroin.”

4. Denver Bronco Cheerleader Squad: Fastest Route to On-Air Reporting

Beisner then…

For the past two decades, and this is no secret to any male who follows the NFL or has access to the web, the Denver Broncos have stock-piled cheerleading talent as if Nick Saban were recruiting for them. Either that or they simply air-brush the portraits better than any one else. Perhaps both.

…and now.

Anyway, there are currently three former Broncos cheerleaders working as on-air reporters. The most visible one is Michelle Beisner of the NFL Network, who is engaged to FOX broadcaster Joe Buck (the two met at last year’s Super Bowl…could this explain the power outage in the third quarter?).

Garnder currently works for CBS Sports Network

Beisner, who spent six years with the Broncos squad, the last four as a captain, is not the only one. Lauren Gardner, a reporter for CBS Sports Network, grew up in Denver and was a member of the squad while a student at the University of Colorado.

Finally, there’s Renee Herlocker, who hosted ESPN’s coverage of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest last Fourth of July.

Herlocker did not marry Brian Urlacher, though the hyphenated surname would be awesome.

Anything wrong with this? Hardly. It’s no more sexist than putting Kirk Herbstreit and Jesse Palmer on camera.

5. Brazil, Antarctica, Scotland (Need it, Got it, Got it)

Scotland’s Isle of Skye. I’d have kilt to be there this summer.

Here’s The Lonely Planet’s guide to the top 10 destinations for 2014. I can attest to Antarctica and Scotland, the latter being my favorite place I’ve ever visited –and I’ve been to Youngstown, so there.

 

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Tuesday, October 29

The Lottery Game

The Ducks’ Nicholls package: a 66-3 ambush of an FCS foe.

Exactly 125 member schools currently exist in the Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS), and yet the three programs that most everyone agrees are at the top of the class this season after two months –Alabama, Florida State and Oregon–chose to look beyond this membership to fill out their 2013 schedules.

On August 31 the Ducks hosted Nicholls State of the Football Championship Subdivision (FCS), which resulted in a 66-3 wildfire.

On September 21 the Seminoles welcomed FCS member Bethune-Cookman and then promptly shooed them out after a 54-6 pink belly.

And on November 23 the Crimson Tide, the vanguard of the Deep South and winners of three of the past four national championships, will play T-Rex to the chained goat that is Chattanooga, also an FCS program, in Tuscaloosa.

Have you seen that JetBlue ad where the cabbie tries to charge the female passenger $25 to put her luggage in the trunk? The tagline is, “You wouldn’t take it on the ground; why do you put up with it when you fly?”

Well, can you imagine if every NFL team were allowed to schedule its own non-divisional games? Worse, can you imagine if the league’s premier teams, such as the San Francisco 49ers or the Denver Broncos, added the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to their schedules? You would think that’s crazy for the NFL to allow. So why do we blithely ignore the even grosser mismatch of Alabama versus Chattanooga?

There’s a reason the 49ers are not allowed to schedule the Blue Bombers of Winnipeg: mutual schedule integrity.

Every sport, but particularly a sport that you and I revere as much as college football, needs schedule integrity. This year, and even when it goes to a playoff system next year, it is unfair for schools to literally schedule below their level just so that they may have the double benefit of the revenue that another home game brings plus an easy, injury-free win. Will it cost the leviathans a little money to forfeit a home game in front of 95,000 in favor of a potential road trip to Akron? Doesn’t everything that ultimately benefits society as a whole cost the robber barons a dollar or two?

There is a better way. First of all, no FBS team that aspires to a Bowl Championship Series (BCS) berth should be permitted to schedule an FCS school. ‘nuf said.

However, what if there were a way to add suspense and, dare I say, a sense of fairness that would extend no more favor to Georgia than it does to Georgia State? What if, for at least one Saturday each season, we pretended that no FBS team could use the leverage of its stadium size and hence, potential visitors’ check, to schedule the so-called “body bag game?”

The Lottery Game selection show would be every bit as huge as the NCAA Tournament Selection show, and Rece Davis can host it.

 

I give you…. (da da-da da) The Lottery Game, an idea that would draw enthusiasm from at least 90% of the fan bases, would provide a shot of adrenaline to what has become mostly moribund non-conference scheduling by the sport’s aristocratic powers, and would be a TV bonanza.

Here’s how it works. The first Saturday of every November would remain open on every team’s schedule. At some point in early August, say, a day or two before fall camps may begin, a network hosts The Lottery Game Selection Show. Every FBS school puts it name into a hat. And we would proceed thusly:

THE PROCESS

Jimmy Johnson (and Dennis Erickson) took the Canes to Norman, Tallahassee, Ann Arbor, South Bend, Little Rock, Baton Rouge, Madison, East Lansing, Provo, Berkeley, Morgantown, Iowa City, State College…those Canes scheduled like a BOSS and still won three national titles.

1) Begin either at the top or the bottom of the list of FBS schools, in alphabetical order. I ran this experiment myself last night and, being a “W”, I chose to start at the bottom: Wyoming.

2) Pull a name out of the hat. I yanked out University of Texas-San Antonio (yes, they are an actual FBS school).

3) Lather, rinse, repeat.

Of course, there are potential problems. So allow me to address them here:

A) You pull out the name of your own school.

B) You pull out the name of a school that is already on your schedule.

C) You pull out the name of a school that is in your conference.

In the case of all of the above, you simply return that name to the hat. But here is what makes for more compelling television. Say this happens for Western Michigan, which was the third school on the list in my draft. Instead of just selecting another school for the Broncos, you  move on to the next school (West Virginia). Western Michigan must now wait until every other school has chosen, during which time the Broncos may be selected by another school, until its spot in the draft comes up again. If the Broncos have already been selected by another school as their Lottery Game foe by then, so be it.

What makes this more compelling is that  the first 62 schools, or half, to draw a foe will be the home team. So whereas Western Michigan picked third –after Wyoming and Wisconsin –and seemed a sure bet to host a Lottery Game, now the Broncos are vulnerable to being chosen by someone else and being the visitor.

The odds of an SEC, Big 12 or Big Ten school, or Notre Dame visiting the Smurf Turf increase from current 0% with the Lottery Game.

It all adds to the suspense of The Lottery Game Selection Show, most likely hosted by Rece Davis.

The beauty of the idea, of course, is that no school controls its destiny — unlike what transpires now, as schools such as Alabama, Florida State and Oregon (and they’re not the only ones) use one of their 12 games as a glorified scrimmage. No doubt that the Tide have a difficult SEC schedule, but so what? Plenty of other schools choose to play quality intersectional games each season and the sport is better for it. For a decade, from 1983 to 1993, the Miami Hurricanes were the most fearless team in college football –out of necessity, mind you, The U was an independent — but during this era they also won four national championships. Fortune often favors the bold.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t fly with Betty from Bessemer (“Pawwwwwwwl!”), but my interest is the welfare of the sport, not the continued hegemony of a Crimson Tide (or Gator…or Tiger…or Gamecock…or Ole Miss) program that confines itself to one quadrant of the country

The results of my selection process yielded 17 matchups between Automatic Qualifier schools:

North Carolina State at Wisconsin

Nebraska at Washington

Ohio State at Southern California

The Trojans and Buckeyes have actually had a Pryor engagement or two.

Rutgers at Texas Tech

Indiana at Texas A&M

Michigan at Syracuse

Iowa at North Carolina

Colorado at Kansas State

Mississippi State at Iowa State

Minnesota at Georgia

Arkansas at Clemson

Arizona at Baylor

Miami at Arizona State

Oklahoma at Temple

South Florida at Stanford

Memphis at Oregon State

Florida State at Brigham Young

 

Some of the more prominent schools not featured above:

Buffalo at Oregon; Notre Dame at San Jose State; Auburn at Nevada; Alabama at Fresno State; Florida at Central Michigan. ( I have all 62 games recorded. If you really want to know what my draft yielded, or whom your favorite team drew, ask in the Comments).

Of course, because there are 125 FBS schools, one school would be left out. In my draft that was Navy. The Midshipmen could take a bye week, or they could choose to schedule an FCS opponent.

Coaches, you say, would never go for this idea. You’re right. But maybe TV executives could see the $$$ potential, and that message is passed on to school presidents and athletic directors, who would influence their coaches. Would the oligarchs of the game, would Alabama and Oregon and Texas be in favor of this? Maybe not, but a majority of the schools would be.

One school, one vote? Or Jim Delany, one vote? How should college football be run?

And you do not get to schedule your Lottery Game at Jerry World or the Georgia Dome. Home venues only.

Another item: if forced into this, most coaches would prefer this game be played in September. Sorry. You play it in November, once records are established and once the stakes for the unbeatens are higher. An undefeated Alabama knows what to expect from fellow SEC teams it plays annually. But a visit to Fresno State in November might throw the Tide out of their comfort zone.

Exactly.

Wouldn’t this be terrific for fans? If Alabama purports to be national champions, would it be so terrible for the Tide to actually venture out to the Rocky Mountains or beyond once every quarter-century? Wouldn’t San Jose State’s football program get a shot in the arm by adding the Fighting Irish to its season ticket package?

Of course, in a given year some teams will draw the short straw (Ohio State at Southern Cal is a bowl game, not a breather) while others get an easy “W.” That’s why it’s called The Lottery Game.

Finally, one thing for everyone to remember: Have you seriously studied the gallery of member schools in the FBS? There are a lot of, well, subpar ones. Look at the bottom of the Top 25, for example. The last three or four schools on that list every week are good but not necessarily dominant teams. Then remember that the Top 25 is composed of the top 20% of the FBS. Every school has 4:1 odds of NOT FACING a Top 25 opponent and a lot of those Not Top 25s, especially the bottom half of the FBS, well, if your school aspires to a BCS bowl, they should present no problem.

In other words, while The Lottery Game poses the potential for great risk –Florida State at Oregon, WHAT!?! — for every program, the majority of the Haves are going to be paired with an opponent they can live with. Just not one that they are necessarily familiar with. Which is what would make it fun for us fans.

If this could happen –and if the Irish could play for the national championship five years later–anything is possible.

Could this ever happen? You’re going to tell someone who covered Charlie Weis’ final season at Notre Dame in 2009 only to see the Fighting Irish play for the national championship three years later that something in college football is impossible? Not a chance. I’d rather dream big.