Our Chris Corbellini is a cross between Roger Ebert and Bobby Hebert: His love of cinema is only matched by his ardor for the NFL. Here is his review of the Ryan Gosling/Bradley Cooper vehicle in which the two men share all of one scene together — and barely that.

There’s a line of thinking in film that if you have two characters standing with their flags firmly planted on polar ends of the story — good versus corrupt, corrupt versus worse, prom queen versus band geek, Christopher Walken vs. Dennis Hopper – then these two principals must meet someplace.  Maybe a diner. Or a World War I trench. Or a raised ranch home on a leafy street. From the initial point of contact you wonder: What are they going to finally DO to each other? What happens after? The makers of “The Place Beyond the Pines” embrace that line of thinking, and that embrace holds and holds, tighter and tighter, until the movie runs out of breath.

Too much. Too much epilogue. Check your watch too much. “Pines” weaves two mood pieces together confidently and boldly, and then wants you to hang in there for thirds. It kick-starts with Ryan Gosling, and he toys with the first-half of the movie like the switchblade in his fingers in the opening scene. It finishes with Bradley Cooper in a moment of triumph and competing for an ending with another generation entirely.

Still, watching two well-made films unspool for the price of one ticket is not a bad thing, especially since the director, Derek Cianfrance, and his writers clearly adore other well-made films. Pop culture references and movie homages slip out from time to time, and an argument can be made that Gosling’s Handsome Luke is a stand-in for Steve McQueen from “The Great Escape.” On the bike, life is one big wheelie no matter how grim the setting. Off the bike life becomes complicated, but instinct still drives. At one point I wondered if the movie was going to have Gosling bounce a tennis ball off something until he formulates a plan, just like McQueen did in “Escape”… and then he literally did so.

The flick also boasts an impressive, Goodfellas-esque tracking shot of Handsome Luke – sinewy with body art like a ransom note of words cut out of magazines – weaving his way through the blinking lights of a carnival before he rides his motorcycle in, around and up a metal ball of death. Afterward he spots the Eva Mendes character, easily the prettiest waitress in all of Schenectady N.Y. (the diner she works in would have been a lot busier than this movie suggests), and judging by the body language alone there’s a lot of history between them. Body language that leads to having a kid. Once Luke sees his infant son, he decides his world-class riding skills would be useful to rob banks. As a result of his actions, Mendes comes face to ugly mug with an actual actor from “Goodfellas,” Ray Liotta, who enters the second act like a spitting cobra, and Cooper.

Cooper and Gosling do indeed meet as well, and it is not for me to say what happens. I’ll only mention that I went to see the movie twice to confirm the sequence of events. It’s a credit to the filmmaker’s shot selection and his sound editors that the viewer really doesn’t know one of the biggest movie stars on the planet is actually involved in a high-speed pursuit until the high-speed portion of the pursuit is over.  There’s a genuine “oh sh-t, it’s him. I was wondering where he was” moment.

The movie then … tips.

Taken as a whole “Pines” has something to say about the lower and upper classes of small-town America. Cooper is a cop with the Triple Crown of rich kid entitlements: Smarts, a law degree, and a daddy with a lot of political pull.  Over a stiff drink in the family dining room the father says “there’s a way out of this,” and that’s exactly how it plays out. It should have ended how it played out. The third act involves the fateful meeting of the sons, and there are no teenage actors alive that can yank this slow-burn story away from the two male leads and bring it to the finish line in a satisfying way – even if guns, drugs and a sweet-looking motorcycle is involved.

You can see the talent behind the camera. Gosling and Cooper are entering the primes of their careers and well-known character actors fill out the lineup card, so the director is on the rise in his industry. Perhaps the best endorsement of Cianfrance’s work here comes from a performer on the soundtrack – Bruce Springsteen. The Boss loaned out “Dancing in the Dark” for one sequence – a rare moment of levity in a tale of dark places. The Jersey legend once loaned out a song to a production I was involved in with one caveat: he must see and approve how the picture is edited to his music exactly. I was told he does that with each film he considers. Springsteen must have enjoyed the sliver he saw in this case. No surprise. There’s a lot to like here. It just kept going, so sure you’d stick around, and it wore me out.

1. “Come out! Come out! Whoever you are!”

— Former Washington Wizard and 12-year NBA veteran Jason Collins, 34, becomes the first athlete in one of the three (sorry, hockey) major American sports to openly profess his homosexuality. So, if you had Robin Lopez, Brook Lopez or Jarron Collins in the “Which Seven-Footer Who Attended Stanford and Has A Twin Brother Will Be the First to Profess that He is Homosexual” pool, you lose.

Brittney Griner came out a week or two ago and was Soup Nazi’d by SI: “No Cover for You!”

— Fortunately, we live in an era in which most fans and media (most, not all) absorbed the new with a shrug of the shoulders and a, “So, the Jets cut Tebow?” For those of us who have close friends who are homosexual, there is no scarlet letter associated with being gay (and if there were, I don’t know if it would be an “H” or a “G” or an “L”). Truth: In my first year in NYC, both of my male roommates would come out of the closet; hey, I have that affect on men. Anyway…).

— The author of the piece is Franz Lidz, who is one of the true all-time characters in the history of SI writers. In the 1990s Franz and Steve Rushin would team up to write Sunday Styles pieces for the New York Times in which they’d attempt to outpun one another. This particular piece, which looking back was likely the inspiration for the Appellation Trail that appears at the top of this blog, is pure pun-ishment and a lesson in the old adage, “If you’re going to step over the line, you may as well take a Beamonesque leap.” It includes the line, “This puzzling film is a sort of Rubik’s Kubrick in which Kubrick’s Rubric is Confuse the Viewer.”

— 2013 has been sort of a Coming Out party, no? Earlier this year sports columnist Chuck Culpepper ventured outside the closet. Earlier this month Brittney Griner did so as well. Now Collins. Who will be the first SportsCenter anchor to do so? The first NFL player? The first NASCAR driver? And maybe that’s the point. If so many people do happen to be gay, could it be that maybe homosexuality is NOT unnatural? Or at least no more unnatural than monogamy, which seems to take a hit with every new issue of US Weekly (which is not to be confused with Boo Weekley)? I’m just asking…

Yep, he’s Gay.

— Kudos to SI, which has been on a hot streak with its covers ever since posing Bryce Harper on the Capitol mall in Washington, D.C. The Tiger Woods cover was a classic, as was the cover from the Boston Marathon. Even last week’s Kevin Durant cover, which accentuated the fact that, no thank you, Joe Jackson, he does not want to be your number two, was effective. And now this.

(by the way, I really miss the work of Joe Jackson. “It’s Different For Girls”  appears on his Live album in three different versions –acoustic, a cappella and original recipe — and each version is better than the other. The years have not upheld the legacy that JJ deserves, IMO).

2. This Dove ad. Simple. Effective. And goosebumpy. “In all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity,” said Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, whose name was not. Still, this ad illustrates that adage to perfection.

3. Comedian/social observer Jerry Seinfeld turns 59 and celebrates his birthday with the obligatory “star-studded bash” at an Italian restaurant. We diehard acolytes of his sitcom knew that he would not celebrate at a Chinese restaurant or Mendy’s or a soup stand. And, though we hoped he’d dine at Elaine’s, that bistro went out of business recently. All that’s left to wonder is whether Kenny Bania snared an invite.

4. Flori-Duh: Thanks to Andy Staples, a Sunshine State native and proud resident, for posting this link on Twitter. You’ve got public nakedness and gibberish, which are like two of the dozen holy tenets of any Florida-based story worthy of this segment (others include “stripper”, “alligator”, “domestic dispute”, etc.).

5. So, yes, the New York Jets released (and never has that verb been more pregnant with all of its implications) Tim Tebow. On the same day that Jason Collins revealed that he was gay and ESPN’s Chris Broussard stated on national television that to “live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly premarital sex between heterosexuals” is “walking in open rebellion to God and Jesus Christ.” It’s funny, isn’t it, how little you ever hear Tebow, the most publicly devout Christian in pro sports –if not in all of American public life — judging others in any way, shape or form? For me, that is the MOST Christian thing about Tebow. As for Broussard, he appeared on “Outside the Lines” with LZ Granderson, an openly gay columnist, who noted that “I would love to not have premarital sex, but in this country I’m not allowed to get married.”

The Passion of the Tebow: Stay tuned for further developments.

Reserves

Game of Thrones: I’ll spare you an exhaustive recap (here’s one you may read) and leave you with a few observations, such as this line from Lady Olenna (Dame Diana Rigg), who asks the Master of Coin, our erstwhile flirty and Falstaffian friend Tyrion Lannister, “What good is the word ‘extravagant’ if it can’t be used to describe a royal wedding?” Myself, I often describe non-lavish affairs simply as “vaganzas”… also, I’m sure Chris Broussard and I were not the only two who got the baptismal symbolism going on in the scene with Kingslayer and Lady Brienne… By the way, Lady Brienne: As my friend Jeff Bradley would say, “That was full back-al nudity”…. By the way, how many bare asses appeared in this episode? My count is four….My mom reads this blog, so I will have nothing to say about Jon Snow… So Robb Stark cut off someone else’s head to spite himself?… I was hoping when Danys told Grey Worm that he could choose a new name that he would choose “Kunta Kinte.” (If you don’t get that, you’re probably under 40 years old)… I’m fairly bored with the Stannis story line. You?… Don’t you hate it when your dad orders you to marry someone?

How do you turn on the jets in this hot tub?

Sacramento keeps the Kings, while Seattle has its leash yanked yet again by the NBA. If this list is to be believed, the Seattle metropolitan area is larger than NINE other U.S. metropolitan areas in the Top 30 alone that also have NBA franchises. Toss in the fact that Seattle is the only NBA market since 1959 to have lost an NBA franchise that won an NBA championship, and I’d say the land of Kurt Cobain and Frasier Crane has a legitimate gripe. I’ll be over at the Café Nervosa with Niles mulling this fact all day.

The Emerald City remains an NBA pariah, while Orlando, Charlotte, Memphis and New Orleans all have teams.

One of the true legends of country music –some would say THE patriarch of the genre –died over the weekend. George Jones. I don’t profess to be an expert on the man or his music, but even I’m a fan of this classic.

Embodying honky-tonk ’70s cool.

FYI: Carlos Santana is leading the Major Leagues in batting with a .386 average. Oye como va!

Atlanta Brave outfielder Justin Upton has hit 12 home runs. The same number as the Miami Marlins.

Remote Patrol

Game 5, Golden State Warriors at Denver Nuggets

TNT 8 p.m.

Will the most entertaining first-round series end tonight in the Mile High City? Or can the Nuggets, trailing three games to one, force Game 6? The Warriors were 3-18 without All-Star forward David Lee during the regular season since Lee had joined the team, but they are now 3-0 without him (hip flexor; out for rest of playoffs) in the past week. We love George Karl and the Manimal, Kenneth Faried, but we salivate at the prospect of a Spurs-Warriors series in the second round. That series would include key players from four different continents (Australia, North America, South America and Europe).

Starting Five

1. Don’t feel bad, Joan, I Couldn’t See Paul Newman, Either

Thoughts (and prayers?) on last night’s episode of “Mad Men”, which revolved around the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.:

— “And as soon as they build the 2nd Ave. subway line, this place will quadruple in value.” HA! Great line by Matthew Weiner and his writers, as the year was 1968. It’s now 2013 and the city has only just gotten around to, in the past three years, constructing that line. The Upper East Side has a strict line of demarcation, by the way. If you live west of Lexington Ave. –some would say Park Ave. — you are the upperest of crusts. If you live east of it (3rd, 2nd, 1st, York), you have the Manhattan apartment equivalent of obstructed view seats. East of 1st Ave? You almost need to take a bus just to get to a subway line.

— The guest shot by William Mapother was brilliant (I’ll never forget the words of Tecumseh now). Mapother, whose cousin is Tom Cruise, was a classmate of this blogger’s in college. Ranking the top five Notre Dame Class of ’88ers, I’ll go with:

Sparks: From blue books to The Notebook

Browne: Does this skinny suit make me look…?

1. Nicholas Sparks (member of school track team).

2. Heisman Trophy-winner Tim Brown (member of football team).

3. Non-Heisman Trophy-winner-but-famed-skinny-suit-designer Thom Browne (member of school swim team).

4. William Mapother.

5. Dean Kramer (close friend who somehow has managed to work for the same employer — the U.S. Dept. of Treasury — since one month after we graduated)

— Awkward Hug Week: Joan and Dawn; Peggy and her secretary; Henry and Peggy; Don and his son, Bobby, at least when Don puts his arm around the lad’s seat rest (and yet, there’s a shimmer of “That boy’s got a future in advertising” pride in Don’s eyes when his son displays enough insight to tell the black usher that “people go to the movies when they’re sad.”).

— Great idea to interject “Planet of the Apes” into the episode with MLK, Jr. When you think about the racial unrest running rampant in 1968 and the release of this film, which is a thinly disguised allegory of the white-black dynamic in the United States and a possible future “overthrow” by the former slave class, well, I would have enjoyed reading Roger Ebert’s review of that film. What? You say that I can? I love you, internet (Ebert: “It is not great, or significant, or profound.” I beg to differ).

General Irko: Well-versed in the art of gorilla warfare

I’m a little younger than Bobby Draper, and I don’t think that my mom had banned us from TV for one week, but my dad did take my brother and me to a Charlton Heston film in the early 1970s that also took place in the future and also had a surprise reveal at the end of the film. Any idea what that film was, and what the famous line from it is? (Don’t you all go running to IMDB right away).*

— A “Planet of the Apes” aside. The climactic scene reveals the upper torso and head of the Statue of Liberty, but I am almost certain that it was filmed at Point Dume, just north of Malibu, Calif. Point Dume is a highly picturesque spot that has provided the backdrop for many a TV or movie scene, but I consider this one from PotA its most iconic.

— Finally, Roger Sterling (John Slattery) is my favorite “Mad Men” character and he has been criminally under-utilized so far this season. And yet, in the few scenes Slattery has had this season, he’s made the most of them. “He could really talk,” says Roger as his way of broaching the assassination of MLK on the day after it took place (which would have been Friday,  April 5). “I thought that would save him.”

— Here is ABC’s “Special Report” from the night of MLK’s assassination. The internet: incredible.

And yes, the U2 song has always had it incorrect. MLK was murdered at around 6 p.m., and not “early morning, April 4.”

* The film was Soylent Green (1973) and the line was, “It’s people. Soylent Green is made out of people.”

2. Hot Spurs: San Antonio 4, Los Angeles 0

My pal Arash Markazi reported that the Lakers actually handed out white towels to denizens of the Staples Center before Game 4. L to the OL (yes, I am aware that the Lakers traditionally wear white at home on Sundays, but still). The story, at least from Disney, has been LA’s first-round elimination and Kobe Bryant’s uncertain future, but as Charles Barkley said on TNT, “The Spurs are the best organization in the NBA.” Amen.

“Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more no more no more no more.”

It’s not even surprising to those of us who follow the hoop that while San Antonio won its two home games by an average of 11.5 points, it won the two games at Staples by an average of 26 points. This is a coldly professional team, one in which players who might die on the vine on other benches suddenly step in and become valuable contributors. No one will ever confuse LA’s defense with that of the ’89 Pistons, but what I constantly marveled at yesterday was how many easy buckets the Spurs scored. And not just by their starters. The Spurs provide a clinic in passing in the halfcourt, while the Lakers looked like a bad version of the And-1 Tour.

Kudos to the TNT producer who ran the shot of the front row of Staples Center being almost entirely vacated with one minute remaining in the Lakers’ final game of the season. One picture said it all.

It’s looking like San Antonio versus Golden State in the next round. That could be the most entertaining series of the entire NBA playoffs, Finals included.

3. “How do you like my new entrance music?”

President Barack Obama (’44…not to be confused with Jackie Robinson’s “42”, though the parallels are obvious) takes the podium at the White House Correspondents Dinner to the strains of DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win” (which, let’s face it, is fitting for him) and jabs, “Rush Limbaugh warned you about this. Second term, baby.”

Here’s video of his entire speech. And if you don’t watch the entire speech, at least click onto this link that shows the “real” photo of Barack Obama skeet-shooting. As he tells the audience, “The one you saw was photo-shopped. We felt we had to tone it down a bit.”

Too many good lines to include here on my own, so just read this roundup. Still, I’ll mention how Conan O’Brien compared news media to a high school cafeteria: “Fox is the jocks; MSNBC is the nerds; bloggers are the goths; NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies; Al Jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to — and print media, I didn’t forget you: You’re the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. Cheer up, we dedicate the yearbook to you.”

4. Hot Spur: The Prince of Wales

Welshman Gareth Bale, 23, wins both the Professional Football Player of the Year Award and the PFA Young Player of the Year Award. The forward for the Tottenham Hot Spurs. Bale, who has 19 goals, is the third-leading goal scorer in the English Premier League or, if you prefer, the 2nd-leading scorer among players who have yet to bite someone (we’re looking at you, Luis Suarez). The overall leading scorer, with 25 goals, is Robin Van Persie of Manchester United). Bale now becomes the second-most renowned Gareth that the UK has produced this millennium, after Gareth Keenan, the assistant general manager at Wernham Hogg (“No, that’s assistant TO the general manager.”)

Gareth Bale

Gareth Keenan

5. Michael Jordan ties the knot.

MJ married his girlfriend of five years, Yvette Prieto, at the Bear’s Club in Florida. We actually attended a wedding there two years ago, but our wedding did not include the “largest wedding tent in history.” The 40,000-square foot tent is actually larger by 5,000 feet than Jordan’s home. Immediately after the ceremony Cirque de Soleil set up shop there for the next six months (my backup joke was, “After the ceremony Charles Barkley wore the tent home as a blazer.”)

MJ’s nuptials set attendance records for a Charlotte Bobcats-related event.

“We’ve had enough Bushes” — Barbara Bush, when asked whether she’d like to see her son, Jeb, run for president. She did preface that comment by saying that Jeb was the best-qualified Bush (so as to make sure she alienated all the Bush men in one quote. Well done!)

In the mid-90s, Gavin Rossdale and friends filled the Bush void between 41 and 43.

Starting Five

1. Three offensive tackles are chosen among the first four picks in the NFL draft and author Michael Lewis quietly says to himself, ‘Ch-ching!” Eric Fisher (Central Michigan), Luke Joeckel (Texas A&M) and Lane Johnson (Oklahoma) are picks 1,2 and 4. Picks 3, 5 and 6 are all defensive ends — Dion Jordan (Oregon), Ziggy Ansah (BYU) and Barkevious Mingo (LSU) — which proves a commonly held theory that defensive linemen have more unorthodox parents than offensive linemen.

The Chiefs used the No. 1 pick on a player who was formerly an All-State honorable mention player at Stoney Creek H.S. in Michigan.

So maybe the camera should be focusing on the “edge” all game than following the football. That is, apparently, where the game is won or lost.

Five of the top ten picks were first-team All-Americans last season, which may mean that the scribes and the scouts are generally in agreement (Fisher, the No. 1 overall selection, was a 3rd-team All-American). Not one running back was chosen and only one quarterback, E.J. Manuel of Florida State, was selected, even though Jon Gruden absolutely cannot stand his sleeves. Manuel was not even chosen first-team QB in his own conference (Tajh Boyd of Clemson was) and his selection by Buffalo at No. 17 is an even bigger surprise since the Bills’ new coach, Doug Marrone, just arrived from Syracuse where he coached draft-eligible quarterback Ryan Nassib.

2. Biggest NAMES (not necessarily best players) still available today, for the 2nd Round and beyond. These are the names that college football fans know better than almost all of the names from Round 1: CB Tyrann Mathieu of LSU, QB Geno Smith of West Virginia, QB Matt Barkley of USC, QB Landry Jones of Oklahoma,  LB Manti Te’o of Notre Dame (who won the Lott Trophy, Maxwell Award, Bednarik Award, Walter Camp Trophy, Butkus Award, Lombardi Award and Bronko Nagurski Award…. but dated a phantom), QB Denard Robinson of Michigan, QB Collin Klein of Kansas State, LB Arthur Brown of Kansas State, WR Keenan Allen (“his brother is the quarterback”) of Cal, CB and 2012 Thorpe Award Winner Johnthan Banks of Mississippi State.

In fact, only three men who won a major college football award last season were selected last night: Outland Trophy winner Joeckel, Paul Hornung Award winner Tavon Austin of West Virginia (8th, St. Louis) and John Mackey Award winner Tyler Eifert of Notre Dame (21st, Cincinnati).

FYI: Nine different college football players made a national or regional cover of Sports Illustrated last fall. None were drafted last night (Klein, Mathieu, De’Anthony Thomas of Oregon, who is still in school, Robinson, Barkley, Te’o, Jones, Smith,  and Katherine Webb’s beau, who is also still in school)

Small but speedy Tavon Austin: We can already hear Berman doing a “whoop-whoop” during a Sunday Blitz package in which Austin could go all the way.

3. Outrageously compelling first-person account of last Thursday night’s car-jacking in Boston that eventually led to the capture of the Boston bombers. “Danny” is one brave, brave soul.

4. David Letterman meets A.J. Clemente ( a few nights ago). Dave: “And I know the folks in Bismarck were on the edge of their chair wanting to know the results of the London Marathon.” As usual, Dave cuts to the salient point that no one has yet made.

5. Tomorrow night is the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, a.k.a. The Nerd Prom. Conan O’Brien, who last hosted in 1995, will emcee. The Washington Post compiled five memorable moments from the WHCD — you can straight to No. 3. I still think Seth Meyers’ set in 2011 was as good as anyone’s. “Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic, because a fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head.” And: “What can I say about Joe Biden that hasn’t already been said incorrectly by Joe Biden?”

I’ll take either Seth or either Jimmy when it comes to late-night host potential.

Reserves

So, apparently there is a television program called “Duck Dynasty” on A&E and on Wednesdsay night, for its season finale, it drew 9.6 million viewers. I’d have watched it but I spent most of the evening channel-surfing for “House of Cards.”

Duck Dynasty: Not brought to you tonight by the Gillette Pro Glide Styler.

A few days ago Tyrann Mathieu announced, via Twitter, that he’d be hosting an after-party on Thursday night after his first-round selection in the NFL draft. The only two problems with that? Mathieu was not selected and he does not turn 21 until May 13th, whereas the party was due to be held at the SL Club, a dance club in NYC’s Meatpacking district. Hmm.

David Letterman: “Today is ‘National Take Your Children to Work Day’. I brought in my kids –Tina, Nancy and Frank, Jr.” Paul guffaws, the audience furrows its brow, and Dave grins with an air of satisfaction as he says, “I know. It never works, but we do it, anyway.” (Dave is referencing the Sinatra kids, by the way).

More Letterman: ” ‘Stooge of the Night’, brought to you by Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse. Face it, life’s too short for a Single Eagle steak!” Why didn’t I think of that???

Even more Letterman, on yesterday’s opening of the Bush Presidential Library: “They have a section dedicated to weapons of mass destruction…but nobody can find it.”

Please join me in raising Hazardous Duty Pay funds for the ESPN makeup artist whose job it was to work with the coifs of Chris Berman and Mel Kiper, Jr., last night. Even Jon Gruden’s blond locks are starting to look a little thin. And there’s full-bodied Adam Schefter, just itching for his chance to join the big desk next April.

What, hunh? Half-Pint married the dude from Thirtysomething? What are the odds on two redheads getting wed, by the way?

Ray Allen buries five threes to give him 322 for his career in the postseason, passing Reggie Miller for the all-time NBA record in Miami’s Game 3 victory in Milwaukee. And Stephen Curry makes a mental note of it.

Remote Patrol

Game 3: Spurs at Lakers

ESPN 10:30 p.m.

This will be fascinating. It’s all on Dwight Howard’s shoulders at Staples Center, as a Laker team that may well be without its top four guards must face the league’s most consistently consistent team. Lose tonight and the series is over for all intents and purposes. No word yet on whether Mike D’Antoni will activate Arash Markazi in time for tip-off. Also, in case you’re interested (speaking of leading men types), Jon Hamm appears on Late Show with David Letterman.