by John Walters

To Serbs, With Love

Sports’ two most impressive champions this month both hail from the world’s 99th-largest country: Serbia. They would be, of course, Nikola Jokic of the Denver Nuggets and Novak Djokovic of tennis fame.
Jokic, 28, just led the Nuggets to their first ever NBA championship in a season in which he should have won his third consecutive MVP award. He became the lowest-drafted player (42nd overall in 2014) to win Finals MVP and the first player in NBA history to lead the postseason in points (600), rebounds (269) and assists (186) while also setting the record for most triple-doubles in one postseason (10).

Meanwhile in Paris, Djokovic, 36, won a Nadal-free French Open, marking his 23rd career Grand Slam win. That’s one more now than Rafa, who was injured, and of course, the most of any man in tennis history. Only the aptly named Margaret Court, with 24, now possesses more, male or female.

Djokovic’s career Grand Slam stats are absurd. He has won 88% of his Grand Slam matches (348-47) and has made the finals in 34 of 70 of them. Just below 50%. Also, he is the only man to ever make the finals at least seven times at all four of the Grand Slams. You may prefer Roger or Rafa, but Novak’s numbers are superior.

Serbia, a landlocked country in eastern Europe that was once part of Yugoslavia, has only been an independent nation since 2006—for the first time since 1918 (it was a Serb who assassinated Franz Ferdinand, by the way; and his wife).

Sub-Optimal

Watergate, Heaven’s Gate, and now OceanGate. When will they learn?
This week the world is focused on the plight of five people, four of whom paid $250,000 apiece, who were last seen stepping into a claustrophobic immersible sub searching out the remains of the Titanic. One of them is a billionaire. Another is his son.

Titanic is buried more than two miles below the surface of the Atlantic and it was always the height of hubris to attempt to be the only billionaire and your Protestants-only country club to be able to say you’d seen the world’s deepest graveyard. Now you’re about to be part of it.

Meanwhile, the sub’s name is… Titan. Tempting fate much?

had to check in with dad on the titanic situation. one thing about chief engineers is they're gonna get right to the point lmao pic.twitter.com/w2Cegpw0h6

— me again (@quinncoherent) June 20, 2023

I’ve heard from two different experts that the above explanation for the sub’s disappearance is the most likely. No use wasting resources on searching for this sub-surface S.S. Minnow before it runs out of oxygen. They’re all most likely already dead. At least it was quick.

Adamant

Today’s thought: The first woman was taken from the rib of the first man, according to the Bible. Hence it may be said that God was the first to split the Adam.

What I Really Want To Do Is Direct

Now playing in the MH Screening Room: Easy Riders, Raging Bulls: How The Sex-Drugs-And Rock ‘n Roll Generation Saved Hollywood, a 2003 documentary film by Peter Biskind.

I happened upon this doc when I could not sleep last week. It was after midnight and I saw that the film is FREE on YouTube. I thought to myself, Uh oh, if I click I won’t sleep for another two hours. I clicked. No regrets.

It’s the story of an industry that, by the early to mid-1960s had failed to change with the times and had become obsolescent. The old studio heads were holding onto Hollywood’s Golden Age, which fit in postwar America but was out of touch with the grittier, turbulent Sixties. In stepped Warren Beatty, a pretty boy actor who wanted to SAY SOMETHING and who found a script by two Esquire staffers (these same two dreamed up the Dubious Achievement Awards, my favorite annual magazine feature back in the day). Voila: Bonnie And Clyde.

Meanwhile a dude named Roger Corman realized teens were going to drive-ins to be scared or titillated and make out, and so he became the king of low-budget B-movies. He hired hungry young film school grads such as Francis Ford Coppola and Peter Bogdonavich and gave them a little experience. Dennis Hopper, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Marty Scorcese, Robert Altman, Hal Ashby, even Jack Nicholson and Roman Polanski. All related, all swam in each other’s wake.

They went outside the system to create a fierce and independent new genre of films (The Last Picture Show, Chinatown, American Graffiti, Mean Streets, Harold and Maude) but then quite accidentally created the summer blockbuster (Jaws), thus helping to destroy the new Hollywood they created. First they eliminated the suits, then they showed the suits how to make money, then the suits said, “Thanks, we’ll take it from here.”

Fascinating stuff. And wait until you hear Richard Dreyfus’ anecdote about the climactic scene in Jaws. If you love movies, or stories about Hollywood, this film is a must. Just click “play.”

It’s Oil Or Nothing

If you’re trying to get your head around the fact that the Saudis are buying soccer and golf and may soon make their way into tennis and perhaps ownership of an MLB team, despite having no known athletes worthy of mention in those sports and despite inhabiting a vast land where grass would never grow naturally, we have your answer: oil.

You already knew that, but do you appreciate just how wealthy Saudi Arabia is? A monarchy/dictatorship, the Saudis need not worry about things such as a free market, the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, labor unions, women’s rights, etc.

Look at these numbers related to the world’s most profitable companies from 2022. This is ONE YEAR’S profits. The second, third and fourth companies on this list are, in order, Apple, Microsoft and Alphabet, with profits, respectively, of $119 Billion, $83 Billion and $79 Billion.

No. 1 on the list? Saudi Aramco, whose profits of $305 Billion are more than than the top three combined.

A reminder that one billion is equal to one thousand million. So if Saudi Aramco profited $305 BILLION in one year, then paying Ronaldo $500 million is tantamount to giving him 1/605th of one year’s profits. Surely the Saudi’s can afford to part with 1/605th of a year’s earnings. If you made $100K this year, Ronaldo would cost you the equivalent of $165.

Dollar Quiz

1. What is the most populated city in Europe?
2. What is the name of the bar where the two people meet to plan their escape in The Pina Colada Song?
3. Who played William Powell’s wife in The Thin Man series of films?
4. What Premier League club needed a win in the last game of the season to avoid being relegated for the first time since 1953-54 (clue: not FC Richmond)?
5. The first transcontinental railroad had its terminus in what town/city? (must be exact)

by John Walters

M-L-essi

Argentina’s Lionel Messi, arguably the greatest soccer player ever and inarguably the most accomplished (World Cup, Champions League, La Liga championships, plus a record-seven Ballon d’Ors), has announced that he will join Inter Miami of the MLS.

Messi, 35, will spurn the $500 million offer made to him by Saudi Arabia.

As someone on Twitter noted, maybe the Saudis will simply purchase MLS.

The MLS has now pried David Beckham, Thierry Henry, Zlatan Ibrahmovic (who retired earlier this week) and now Messi, all in their twilight years, away from Europe. But it still has yet to become a MAJOR American sport. We’ll see how much having Messi moves the needle.

Brownstones and Brown Skies

My city of ruins? Not exactly. New York City is, for once, not to blame for the environment in which it is currently smoldering. The storm-on-Mars air is a by product of smoke from Canadian wildfires. Of course, in Beijing, they’d just refer to this as a Wednesday.

Do You Know This Man?

This is Luis Arraez, currently baseball’s most under-the-radar star.

Arraez, a 26 year-old infielder for the Miami Marlins, is currently batting .401 after 62 games. The last player to be above .400 this late in a season was Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves. Arraez, playing for the Minnesota Twins last season (and that is also why you may not know him), won the American League batting title. He could become the first player to win the batting title in different leagues in consecutive seasons since… (should we save this for the Dollar Quiz?)… well, it’s never happened before.

The Dog Days Of Eternity

Even these two grew tired of one another

Probably not the optimal day to post this, as New York City resembles a dystopian hellscape, but I used to love working as a waiter/bartender at our seasonal outdoor restaurant alongside the Hudson River. In 10 years of service there, I learned a little bit about the circle of life (and about the Circle Line), as each season sort of resembled a lifetime.

Let me explain: we’d open in early April when the weather would still be chilly, but on any day above 66 degrees with blue skies we’d pack in the patrons. New Yorkers were excited about the end of winter and the onset of spring.

Each season there’d be landmark days/weekends. Memorial Day was our first big landmark weekend: summer was not yet here but we could sense it, taste it. The glorified cookout we called a cafe would be mobbed, you’d walk home with at least $1,000 for a three-day weekend, and we’d all go out to celebrate at our favorite Aussie bar on W. 79th.

June would be a dream (our LBGQT servers were stoked about Pride Month and celebrated duly) and we’d all be prepping for our biggest day/weekend of the season, the 4th of July. Because in those early years there were fireworks on the west side of the Hudson, tables along the ledge were at a premium. Again, you could earn a pretty penny.

But something weird happened as soon as we closed on the 4th of July. Although the alignment of the planets and sun told us we were only two weeks into summer, it felt as if summer were over. Depression set in. One memorable 4th a manager who owned a small boat invited four of us to join him as soon as we closed on the 4th and we spent all night, until the sun rose, motoring up and down the Hudson, quaffing beers, sharing stories and even, for a few of us, swimming in the Hudson.

That next day of work was one of the longest of my life.

The next six weeks, the height of the summer with often the best weather of the season, were often the doldrums. Some days, yes, you could blame the humidity, but others it was simply that, well, being in the middle of what we’d all been waiting for, it became impossible for that reality to live up to our expectations.

Then came our next big weekend: Labor Day. Suddenly, the cafe was buzzing again. Whereas on Memorial Day diners and drinkers were thrilled about what lay ahead of them, on Labor Day they were holding on to what they still could before it disappeared. September is possibly the best weather month of the year in NYC (it’s far superior to July and August, as the humidity vanishes) and so we always did well.

Then came October, as our managers and staff, clad in hoodies and occasionally gloves, held on for the hopes of an Indian Summer weekend to keep the bonanza rolling. Finally, November. The restaurant would be boarded up, the tables and chairs put away, and our outdoor nexus of fun and inebriation and potential romantic meetings went into hibernation.

To sit dormant for five or so months before it would all begin anew.

Memorial Day weekend. Anticipation. Labor Day weekend. Gratitude, mixed with desperation. Those were our best weekends. Fourth of July… a huge high followed by a colossal letdown, even though “death,” figuratively, was still at least two months away.

And that’s what worries me about eternity. If it exists. There will be no Memorial Day or Labor Day weekends there. Just an endless 4th of July which, if human nature has taught me anything, is impossible to maintain. An endless 4th of July but, also, an endless summer. Nothing to anticipate for what’s to come, nothing to cherish at the thought of it vanishing.

Eternity, quite simply, might wind up seeming like an eternity. Count me out.

Dollar Quiz

1. What was the name of the monster Beowulf slew?
2. What is the name of the river connecting Lake Superior to Lake Huron?
3. What is smaller for any element: its atomic number or its atomic weight?
4. Who was the only president to be born on the 4th of July?
5. In what state did the Battle of Antietam take place?

by John Walters

Answers to previous quiz: 1) Rochester 2) Troy 3) 180 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 12, 15, 18, 20, 30, 36, 45, 60, 90, 180) 4) Oman 5) Jimmy Burnett (9), Cleveland Indians, in 1932; in an 18-inning game he went 9-11

Mild High

The Denver Nuggets easily handled the Miami Heat in Game 1 of the NBA Finals, the greatest elevation differential Finals (5,280 to sea level) in league history. Here’s an interesting factoid courtesy of SportsBrain. The Nuggets could very well win the NBA championship without having played any of the top eight teams in the league in terms of regular-season record. I don’t know if that would be a first, but it sure sounds as if it would.

The top eight teams by record in 2022-23: Bucks, Celtics, 76ers, Nuggets, Cavaliers, Grizzlies, Knicks, Kings.

Also, the Nuggets could win the championship without having faced any of the top 9 MVP vote-getters: Embiid, Jokic, Giannis, Tatum, SGA, Mitchell, Sabonis, Doncic, Curry.

John Q, Publicly

When you consider the first seven American presidents, it’s likely that John Quincy Adams (the sixth) is the one you least consider. George Washington (1) and Thomas Jefferson (3) are literally on the Mount Rushmore of presidents. John Adams (2), Q’s dad, has his own David McCullough bio tome and his own HBO biopic series.

James Madison (4) authored the U.S. Constitution and James Monroe was a wounded Revolutionary War veteran and a Founding Father (and, like Adams and Jefferson, he also died on the 4th of July). Andrew Jackson (7) has his own Jon Meacham bio and his face on the $20 bill. Even the eighth president, Martin Van Buren, was part of a subplot in an episode of Seinfeld.

But I’m here to argue that if you were to graph presidents on the X and Y coordinates of intelligence and decency, John Quincy Adams would rate tops among the first seven. Like his dad, Q was the only president among the first seven to never own slaves. He actually defended the slaves who revolted in the famous Amistad trial. He was bilingual. He also, incredibly, kept a journal from 1879, when he was just 12, until 1848, the year he died.

If you read Greg Grandin’s The End of the Myth, you’ll discover that Quincy Adams was supremely prescient about the troubles consuming present-day America. A one-term president (1825-1829), Q. went on to serve in the House of Representatives (the only former president to do so). As he watched successors such as Jackson and John Tyler and James Polk eradicate and exterminate Indian tribes, move them off their lands, and then foment war against Mexico, all in the name of adding real estate to the USA as a means of keeping the peace among white men (give someone free land and they’ll likely vote for you), Q. Adams foresaw the inherent strain it would cause.

As Grandin writes, “Adams’ speech in the House (foresaw) that the kind of settler violence Jackson had made national policy created an addictive cycle of expulsion, expansion and repression that led to lust for Texas but would not end with Texas.”

Adams argued that America’s “fight with Mexico over Texas would deepen the nation’s habituation to racist wars, leading to the point where racism and war would be the only thing that gave the Republic meaning.”

Finally, in his speech to the House, Adams asked his colleagues point-blank, “Are you ready for all these wars?”

He was referring to the inevitable war over slavery, but also I believe to the metaphorical culture wars.

I know some very smart people (okay, almost always men) who I attended high school or college with who continually surprise me. They’re otherwise decent folk, likely Christian or Catholic and yet they possess this, at least to me, incredible blind spot. Which is this: if it benefits white Americans, which to them is wholly synonymous with America, no matter what it is, it is good. And just.

John Quincy Adams did not believe that. I certainly do not. I live in a state that was once part of Mexico, which became part of the USA simply because John Tyler instigated a war with Mexico (sending U.S. soldiers to occupy Mexican territory, and when Mexico defended itself, as you’d expect, Tyler had his reason to declare war). It’s really no different than what Vladimir Putin is currently attempting to do in Ukraine.

History rewards the winners, alright. Less than 200 years later a giant swath of America is outraged that Mexicans are poring over the U.S.-Mexico border into the USA to work, when after all it was their nation’s land first. Either way, as Quincy Adams warned, when you make the repossession of land national policy, explicitly taking it from brown people to give to white people (and back then, more often than not, to give to white people who’ll have brown people work the land as slaves), well, maybe you’re creating a situation that one day will need a reckoning.

This line from Grandin’s book really struck me: “Adams’ second fear (his first was the dividing of the nation into pro- and anti-slavery camps; how’d he do on that one?) was that perpetual war on the frontier wouldn’t break the nation but rather bind it together in iniquity, with racist terror against Native Americans and Mexicans working like glue, uniting the country’s diverse population in shared hatred.”

Hmm. Here’s to you, John Q.

Zach’s Coming Back

Naismith Award winner Zach Edey of Purdue, who finished 6th in the nation in points per game and second in the country in rebounds per game, announced that he will return to West Lafayette next season. Despite posting gaudy numbers for a team that was ranked No. 1 most of the season, the 7’4″ Canadian was slated to be a second-round pick in the upcoming June draft. And when has a second-round big man from outside the U.S. ever amounted to anything in the NBA (cheeky smile insertion)?

In Bloom

My fall 2020 sports reporting class at Cronkite-ASU had a plethora of talent. Off the top of my head, I’ll give you the names (save for future reference) Adrian Chandler, Nick Stavas, Gannon Hanevold, Egan Adler, SportsBrain, Garrie Ester, James Powel and Michael Garaffa. All of whom will make names for themselves in sports media or news media.

Then there was a wonderful, friendly kid named David Bloom. Our class was hybrid, meaning kids could attend remotely (Covid). David lived in the San Fernando Valley, so I never met him in person. What made him one of the class’ memorable characters is that he had an old soul’s sense of humor and that, while being relatively diminutive, he always parked himself in this comically large overstuffed brown leather couch in his family room. No one else ever appeared. The couch seemed to swallow him up, it became a member of the class, and David seemed to enjoy any of my attempts at comedy related to the couch.

Last week I received a call because someone was writing a story about David. Seems he never told us that he is also an actor and he’s appearing in a new series “American Born Chinese,” that’s airing on Disney+. It’s no small venture, as the show stars recent Oscar winners Michelle Yeoh and Key Huy Quan (alias Short Round). Can’t say I’m surprised. David’s a great young man with a winning personality. I’m just hoping the brown leather couch makes a cameo.

Dollar Quiz

1. The least densely populated state east of the Mississippi is….?
2. True-False: the first perfect game of baseball’s modern era was hurled by none other than Cy Young.
3. Every actor who has portrayed James Bond has done so in at least two Bond films, with one exception. Name the actor who is the outlier.
4. What do the M’s in 3M stand for?
5. Name four bands in 10 or fewer letters (bonus if you can do it in 9).