by John Walters

Starting Five

Bull Dozier

What is happening in Minnesota, where last night Twins second baseman Brian Dozier hit his 25th home run since the All-Star break? Dozier, who stands 5’11”, 198 pounds, hit 14 home runs before the All-Star Game, which comes just after the midway point of the season. Now Dozier, a five-year vet, will likely double his home-run total for the season post-All Star Game as opposed to pre. He hit three home runs on Monday night against Kansas City.

PEDs?

Earlier this morning—before even MH woke up!—the Washington Post did a 10-meter platform dive into Dozier’s second-half numbers and here’s what really caught my eye for the former Southern Miss player who hit 16 home runs for the Golden Eagles in four seasons: he has a good chance to hit 30 post-Break home runs, and of the dozen players in history who have done that, only three are not in the Hall of Fame: Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds.

Reminds of those old Disney made-for-TV movies starring Kurt Russell (The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes) in which some magic potion gives our protagonist supernatural powers.

2. Fox and Fiends

Yesterday Fox avoided the messy revelations of discovery in a trial by writing former anchor Gretchen Carlson a check for $20 million. Couple that with the $40 million Fox paid former news division boss Roger Ailes to disappear, and that’s $60 million down the drain on a fat, lecherous scumbag with sexual predator issues. Think of all the people who lost their jobs at Fox Sports in the past five years due to budget cuts as $60 million was just wanked away. And the man responsible for all this is not the top behind-the-scenes advisor to the GOP nominee.

Meanwhile, Fox has settled with other women for lesser sums while another former Fox anchor, who was a big deal in the early aughts and then became a popular figure for coming out about her alcoholism, Laurie Dhue, has said she’ll be writing a book about her experiences at Fox. Which I

3. “Summer Lovin’, Had Me A  Blast….”

It was hot. And heavy.

And it’s happened to all of us. You lock eyes at the Met Gala Ball and then Anna Wintour proceeds to introduce you two. Next thing you know you’re off to the summer home in Westerly, and then Down Under on location, and you haven’t even yet learned if the other one liberally references Seinfeld yet. Or doesn’t “get” the appeal of Airplane! Or never watched The Muppets. I mean, these are deal breakers, no?

So Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift have broken up. I really liked those two kids. It may be time for Taylor to walk into an independent book store in the trendy part of London and fall for a flopsy-haired store owner with not much ambition but a fabulous set of friends and a bizarre roommate.

Taylor, you’re the one who attended a Notre Dame home football game. That is why we, the Funkhausers, side with you.

4. The Natty!

One of the true American treasures, besides Joy Behar (of course!), are our national parks. Major props to you, Teddy Roosevelt (he should also be on your personal Rushmore of presidents). Anyway, as we celebrate the centennial of America appreciating and preserving its natural beauty, let’s put down the mobile devices and tablets, not look at Deepwater Herizon as a heroic film, and maybe appreciate that nature does what man never will be able to do. Here’s Outside’s list of “100 Reasons To Love National Parks.”

5. Bring Your Binoculars

I’m a big fan of Division I FBS athletes, but they don’t weigh 3,300 pounds and they don’t run at 155 m.p.h. Which is why they don’t belong anywhere near a stock car track other than to watch NASCAR.

Yes, Virginia Tech and Tennessee ARE the perfect choices to play at Bristol Motor Speedway, which sits between Blacksburg, Va., and Knoxville, Tenn., but only if you are forced to choose two teams. Otherwise, it’s an idea where the gimmick factor exponentially outweighs the appeal factor. You can also say “I was there” at a Farting Competition, but that doesn’t mean it was a good idea.

Did you enjoy how ESPN commentators over the weekend read the promos for this and then endeavored not to be critical. Like when you see an ugly baby and say, “Well, isn’t she something?”

Anyway, there will be a giant four-sided Jumbotron hovering above the field, which is what will seduce your eyes. Now if for any reason that suspended Jumbotron falls, then we’ve got a story.

Music 101

I Will Survive

Who turns 67 today? Gloria Gaynor, who sang the most popular girl-power karaoke hit of all time, though I can report that three good male friends of mine at Sports Illustrated (one who wrote a story that got turned into a movie that will be released later this month, the other the husband of a gold-medal winning basketball player) once walked into an East Village karaoke bar and belted this out with much gusto. The disco anthem hit No. 1 on the Billboard chart in 1978. Go on now go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now. You’re not welcome any more.

Remote Patrol

U.S. Open 

7 p.m. ESPN2

So it was a tough call: Do I recommend a Serena Williams vs. Simona Halep (“You say, ‘Serena,” I say, “Simona,” you say Purina, I say Pomona, Serena, Simona, Purina, Pomona, let’s call the whole thing off!”) quarterfinal or yet another airing of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants starring Alexis Bledel on Oxygen (9;15 p.m.). Serena, who is vying for a record 23rd Grand Slam singles title, has yet to lose a set or have her serve broken at this tourney. Um. Focused.