by John Walters
A Medium Happy 75th to this sociable socialist
Starting Five
A hole lotta love
Hit The Road, Jack
The Apple iPhone 7 event took place yesterday in San Francisco with the requisite upgrading, price-raising, pretentious Gavin Belson-esque pronouncements (“the courage to move on and do something new that betters all of us,” Apple marketing chief Phil Schiller told the audience about the decision to remove the headphone jack).
“Can’t get used to losing you/No matter what I try to do/Gonna spend my whole life through/Losing you…”
The iPhone 7 will be water-resistant, as opposed to water-proof, and will retail at $649 (and then Samsung will build a cheaper knockoff). They also come in high-gloss black or, if you are a fan of new college football helmets, matte-black. Also, Apple will produce wireless headphones (that you’ll lose very quickly) that will cost $159.
Here were the 11 biggest takeaways from the event according to The Verge, including iOS10, which means you’re going to get all these notifications on your phone that, if you are me, you’ll ignore for six months until some millennial looks at your phone and wonders why the heck haven’t you downloaded this yet?
2. Take The Oil and Run
Appearing on the “Commander-in-Chief Forum” on NBC last night, GOP nominee Donald Trump offered is solution as to what to do after the U.S. and allies defeat ISIS: “Take the oil.” Which is basically a Woody Allen movie plot from the Seventies.
Trump noted that the Iraq War was a terrible mistake (because after all, Iraq under Saddam may not have been a beacon of human rights, but it didn’t have anything to do with 9/11 nor did it possess “weapons of mass destruction”) but that, as long as we were there, we should’ve taken the oil. It’s like, I thought my hotel room was 433, but I’ve mistakenly walked in to Room 434, but as long as I’m here, I’m going to take all your cash and have sex with your wife.
So, basically, after defeating a shadowy group of Islamic radicals, Trump proposes raping a country of its most valuable natural resource (because who’s going to stop us?), which of course would in no way engender even more hostility and outright hatred for the USA from the tens of millions of people left behind in that country who currently have no bone to pick with the USA. Not to mention the fact that the rest of the world would wonder, “So you invaded a country that did nothing to provoke you, plundered their assets, and then went home and beat your chests about ‘Liberty!’ and being the greatest country in the world? You sound a lot like Russia…or Nazi Germany.”
2. Murray Slaughtered Beaten In Five Sets*
Murray made three Grand Slam finals this year, winning one.
*The judges could not resist ** “Oh, Mr. Graaaaaant!”
In men’s quarterfinal action yesterday at the U.S. Open, Andy Murray, Great Britain’s answer to Andy Roddick, lost in five sets to Kei Nishikori, 1-6, 6-4, 4-6, 6-1, 7-5. Murray, the No. 2 seed who won Wimbledon two months ago, was attempting to advance to his fourth Grand Slam final of 2016 (Did you know that? I didn’t know that! I bet Matt Zemek knew that).
Anyway, Nishikori will play Stan Wawrinka in one semi while Novak Djokovic and Serean Williams are still on track to win their 13th and 23rd Grand Slams, respectively, which makes them legen…wait for it…dary.
4, Pete Picks Pitt
Medium Happy favorite Tyler Matakevich (53), a seventh-round pick, will lead Iron City to a Super Bowl win
With the NFL opening its season tonight (an uninspired pairing of Super Bowl L teams Denver and Carolina), the most valuable man at Sports Illustrated, Peter King, has made his Super Bowl Long Island (LI) pick: Pittsburgh over Green Bay, 30-23, in Houston.
Wait, you ask, haven’t they met before? Yes, six years ago in Super Bowl XLV, which was also in Texas. The Packers beat the Steelers in that one, 31-25.
The Medium Happy staff likes the Pottsville Maroons to narrowly edge the Providence Steam Roller.
5. Tiger Times
The tumor is located near the eye of the tiger
In Tiger news, Tiger Woods has announced that he is returning to the golf next month. The 14-time major winner is scheduled to play three events this autumn, beginning with the Safeway Open in Napa, California (I’ll go! I’ll go!). Then he’ll play an event in Turkey (like, not the safest place to be) and then the Bahamas.
Meanwhileancer, LSU’s Mike the Tiger VI won’t attend LSU home games this fall as he is fighting cancer. But it seems to be curable. He had a tumor in his face. Damn. On the other hand, this should make a very misty Tom Rinaldi piece on College GameDay.
Music 101
Blow Me (One Last Kiss)
Alice Beth Moore, a.k.a. Pink, turns 37 today. Happy birthday to her. She’s always come off as the blackest white chick in music. This song came out in 2012 and was yet another top ten hit for the Philly native. At the time only two females singers had more top ten hits this millennium: Beyonce and Rihanna.
Remote Patrol
Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe
Comedy Central 9 p.m.
Glaser
If you missed Monday night’s premiere, here’s your chance to catch it (besides, Broncos-Panthers is kind of a repeat). It’s a bizarre panel—Pete Davidson, Jewel, Ralph Macchio and Ann Coulter—but there are some truly nasty and funny lines here. Don’t miss Jewel, Nikki Glaser or Brit-wit Jimmy Carr.