by John Walters

Starting Five

Ole Miss’ed Opportunity

It was not Jameis Winston’s 25 of 27 debut at Pitt on a Labor Day in 2013, but what true freshman (Jameis was a redshirt frosh) Deondre Francois did on Monday night may have been more impressive. With the Seminoles trailing 28-6 late in the first half and looking completely out-poised, Francois led them to an end-of-the-half TD and then went full Chief Osceola mode in the second half.

Florida State was up 33-28 by the end of the third and won going away, 45-34. Of course, it did not help Ole Miss that the Noles cloned their field goal kicker of the previous four seasons and that he connected on six of six field goals.

The Rebels looked like the nation’s second-best team—for 29 minutes. Now we’re reminded that four SEC West teams lost in the opening weekend, and none to each other.

2. Lowe Blows

Top Roasters, ranked, at last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe:

1. Nikki Glaser 2. Jewel (yes, Jewel, who brought it and big) 3. Jimmy Carr

Top Intended Targets: 1. Ann Coulter 2. Rob Lowe 3. Peyton Manning

Too many solid jokes to recall at the moment, but Ann Coulter was so bad that, as Lowe later said, “This is one bombing you can’t blame on Muslims” and as Jeffrey Ross said, “You wrote eleven books and you can’t write one joke?” There was a moment during her speech—one in which she made a JFK joke as the camera panned to the slain president’s niece, Maria Shriver—when the camera caught Peyton scratching the side of his neck the way you do when you want to be anyplace but where you are at (I do that a lot).

3. Medium Happy Fascin’ Eight

For now, until we come up with a worse idea, we’ll present the Top 8 teams in the nation after each weekend’s games are concluded, as opposed to during.

1. Alabama: Handed USC its worst loss since 1966 when Notre Dame beat the Trojans 51-0, which gives us a chance to remind you that the Irish really pounded Troy that season AND won the natty. And then Nick Saban went out and hired ANOTHER fired USC head coach. Cold, Nick.
2. Houston: Cougars beat a preseason Top 4 and a last season Playoff 4 program that returned its quarterback and running back, both studs, and they controlled the second half. No fluke.
3. Florida State: Next time, Jimbo, let someone else give the pre-game speech.
4. Clemson: Not a pretty W in the loveliest village on the plain, but it’ll do for Week 1.
5. Ohio State: It was MAC-tion in the Horseshoe, but J.T. Barrett threw six touchdowns and the Buckeyes rolled up 776 points.
6. Wisconsin: Badgers showed state pride by defeating No. 5 LSU in Lambeau Field. That’s home turf.
7. Michigan: Good team plus America’s cushiest schedule til mid-October, if not Thanksgiving weekend.
8. Georgia: Nick Chubb, 222 yards, no gruesome knee hyperextensions.

–just missed the cut, we’re thinking fondly of you: Louisville, Texas, Washington, Texas A&M

4. Rafa Whiffs

In case you missed it on Sunday, Rafael Nadal was up 4-2 in the fifth set on some French quasi-nobody (Lucas Pouille) and lost in the Round of 16. That marks a second consecutive year with no grand slams for the Spaniard, who never won fewer than one every year between 2008 and 2014. Nadal is stuck at 14 Grand Slams, Roger Federer is stuck on 17 ( he last won a GS in 2012) and Novak Djokovic is the favorite next weekend at Arthur Ashe Stadium to win his 13th.

Ages: Federer, 35; Nadal, 30; Djokovic, 29.

Who you got being on top when this is all said and done? I’m going with The Serbian Sensation.

 

5. Heartbreak in Minnesota

Last Thursday in Paynesville, Minnesota, Jacob Wetterling was found. The problem is that Jacob had been missing since October 22, 1989, when he was 11 years old. Danny Heinrich, a local who had recently been charged with 25 counts of child pornography, led police to a paste where they located Wetterling’s remains.

The details of Wetterling’s abduction are chilling. He, his brother and another boy were riding home from a video store at 9 p.m. (after dark) in the pretty town of St. Joe, Minn., when a gunman appeared out of the bushes, ordered them off their bikes and made them lie face down. He let the other two boys go individually, ordering them to run and not look back or he would shoot. That was the last anyone ever saw of Wetterling.

Danny Heinrich. It took a while, but we’ve finally found a worse Minnesotan than Walter Palmer.

 

Music 101

Wish You Were Here

Roger Waters turns 73 today, so let’s salute Pink Floyd. The title track off Floyd’s 1975 album, it was released on Spotify 38 years later and was streamed by fans one million times after only four days. It was the first song Floyd put on Spotify, but that success persuaded Waters, a Hamptons resident, to release the rest. Waters wrote this tune, an ode to former band mate Syd Barrett, who went nuts basically, but David Gilmour is the lead vocalist on it.

Remote Patrol

The Tonight Show

NBC 11:35 p.m.

For no other reason than to see Clint “Get Off My Lawn!” Eastwood barely hide his contempt for Jimmy’s juvenile antics. You think Dirty Harry is gonna play egg roulette with this punk? Well, do ya?