by John Walters

A Medium Happy 40th to Seth Meyers’ little bro, Josh.

Starting Five

Alford buried the dagger as former Bruins Russell Westbrook and Bill Walton sat —and stood—courtside

1. Bryce Capades

With the score tied 84-all (after UCLA squandered a late 81-71 lead), the Bruins’ Bryce Alford took the ball on the right wing, dribbled some, and hit a step-back 3 with just under 2 seconds remaining to defeat Arizona. The Coach’s Son has now helped UCLA defeat Kentucky, Gonzaga and the Wildcats this season.

2. Fear Factor

Astronaut Mark Kelly and his wife, Gabby Giffords, stood up at last night’s town hall (not to be confused with Tom T. Hall, but why would you) on guns. Kelly explained that when he and his wife testified about gun legislation in front of the senate, he was told by members of the U.S. Senate that expanding background checks will lead to a registry, which will lead to confiscation, which will lead to a tyrannical government.

“So I would like you to explain, with 350 million guns, in 65 million places….if the federal government wanted to confiscate those objects, how would they do that?”

Exactly.

Kids. The National Rifle Association exists ostensibly to support the 2nd Amendment, but pragmatically to promote the gun manufacturing industry. Mass shootings such as Columbine, Newtown, etc, only help its cause: mass shootings spread fear (thanks for playing your role, cable news), which leads to the purchase of even more guns, which actually plays no role in preventing more mass shootings.

So why would the NRA ever be in favor of any measure that reduces the chance of a mass shooting, of less guns being purchased?

A CNN panelist made a great point: the entire audience who sat in on the town hall underwent a background check in order to be able to attend it. But we’re saying that half that audience opposes background checks for guns?

Moreover, why is it that that the same people who bristle at the thought of background checks on the theory that it is the first step in taking away everyone’s guns have no problem with checking on random people to see if they have citizenship? By their logic, checking on even one illegal alien is tantamount to deporting us all.

3. Fructose: Not Your Sugar Mama

Our good friend fructose, C6H12O6, or common table sugar, is the sleeper scourge of our lifetimes. Because most of us ingest far too much of it. So yesterday or the day before that the U.S. government introduced new dietary guidelines (revised every five years) that said we should be cutting our intake of sugar at least in half.

Then they asked The Guess Who (“Who?!?”) to endorse the guideline, which they did: No sugar tonight in my coffee/No sugar tonight in my tea/No sugar to stand beside me/No sugar to run with me…”

Why is fructose (which, unlike glucose, is not found naturally in every living cell) bad for you? Here’s 10 reasons.

4. Beacon Of Hope

I hope that the warm-up act is The Maestro….

Recently my neighbor and personal savior, Jerry Seinfeld, announced that he’d be performing one show per month at the Beacon Theater in the coming year. Noted: I live four blocks up and two blocks over, or even closer than Jerry and Kramer, from the Beacon, which is located on the Upper West Side. So that’s one reason not to move any time soon.

Here’s Jerry’s latest webisode of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, with a wild and crazy passenger. And here he is earlier this week on Colbert, doing a bit that he could’ve done in 1985 and yet it’s not dated.. Related: I miss the people in the Acura ads.

5. ISIS: Still Whack

“Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be ISIS…” (even if they do look a little bit like Bruce from the Born To Run album cover)

The latest? A member of ISIS executes his own mother (a.k.a., matricide) in public in Raqqa after she tried to persuade him to leave the world’s worst organization since the Nazis. I meannnnnnn….even the Crips and Bloods are saying, “Dude, you crossed the line there.”

Music 101

Ziggy Stardust

The godfather of andogyny, David Bowie, turns 69 today. Though we’ll always be partial to this particular tune of his, Ziggy Stardust, which was released in 1972, never became a hit stateside, but if you have the album The Rise and Fall Of Ziggy Stardust, then you know that the tune leads into this song on the album, which is a pretty sweet 1-2 punch.

Remote Patrol

SUNDAY

Golden Globe Awards

8 p.m. NBC

Let’s fire up the “Shame!” chant if Game Of Thrones gets dissed this time

Your host will be Ricky Gervais, because apparently he has yet to alienate everyone. God, I love that man. Only really rooting for Jon Hamm and Veep. Don’t feel too strongly about anything else. Better Call Saul was not even nominated for Best Drama. Does the HFP even watch TV?

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 34th to Lauren Cohan. Will she ever dumpster Glenn?

Starting Five

You’re full of Kratz: “If police did frame Avery, but he’s guilty, hey, what’s the big deal?”

1. MAM-ogram

There’s really nothing else to chew on this week –it’s too soon to begin devouring boilerplate profiles of dirt-poor Dabo — other than Making A Murderer, so let’s compile a ranking of its 10 11 Worst Humans, shall we?

1. Ken Kratz, District Attorney, Lead Prosecutor: While he may not have been the mastermind of any police framing, he had the greatest responsibility to pursue justice as opposed to a conviction. I was watching the 1944 film noir classic Laura last night, in which our detective, MacPherson, informs a potential suspect, “I’m here to find the truth.” That was never much of a concern with these law enforcement officials. Kratz will later lose his job for sexting a domestic violence victim whom he defended. Stay classy, Ken.
2. James Lenk, Manitowoc County Lt: If anyone planted the key, and the bullet, and the blood, he did.
3. Michael O’Kelly: He basically advises genocide against the Avery clan because he believes they’re in-bred yokels. I have no problem if you rank him No. 1.
4. Mark Wiegert, Detective: One of the two interrogators who coerce Brendan Dassey’s confession. Sits uncomfortably close to you, and when taking stand throws out asides such as, “They had five days (to clean up the evidence).” He’s Marty Hart come to life.
5. Sheriff Ken Petersen: Originally arrested Avery in 1985. Tells TV reporter that it would have been easier to kill Avery than to frame him. If there is a framing going on, is he the mastermind?
6. Sgt. Andy Colborn: Simply following orders. The Paulie Walnuts of this crew. When Strang catches him calling in a license plate number of a vehicle that is two days away from being found, I thought it was game over. Apparently not.
   

   Andy Colborn: He’ll get on that report right away, chief, like, 6 months or 8 years from now…

7. Len Kachinsky, Defense Attorney: Len’s too busy yukking it up with the media to appear on this list.
8. Eugene Kusche, Manitowoc Sheriff’s Dept: Kusche drew the incriminating sketch of Avery in his 1985 rape trial, reportedly based not on the victim’s description but from a pre-existing photo of Avery. Twenty years later, when Kusche is deposed, there’s a moment where he is asked a question and he leans back in his chair in a way that suggests, “I’m not comfortable being here.” Also claims that he doesn’t believe Avery is innocent of the rape, choosing to believe that the DNA evidence was planted.
9. Norm Gahn, Special Prosecutor: His double-talk with the press after Strang and Buting ate prosecution’s lunch always put a don’t-bullshit-me look on Angenette Levy’s face. I suppose we should thank him for that.
10. Steven Tadych, relative: Provides incriminating eye-witness evidence that the defense appears to decisively rebut (not that the jury cares). Wore his nicest V-neck sweater to court. Rejoiced when Avery was found guilty.
11. Ryan Hillegas: Ex-boyfriend who, I’m sorry, seems to be hiding something. Visits Teresa the day before she disappears, but cannot remember what time of day? Hacks into her email account? C’mon.

2. The Kid In The Hall*

Giriffey, 6’3″, had baseball’s most lethal swing for quite some time.

Nine All-Star Games. Ten Gold Gloves. One MVP. 630 home runs. No World Series. Strictly as a fan, I’ll always be a little miffy with Ken Griffey (Jr.) that he chose to play for his hometown Cincinnati Reds 11 seasons in Seattle that were about as good as anyone’s in the modern era.

The Kid and Alex Rodriguez, both in their primes in the Emerald City, would have been a treat, the game’s premier one-two punch. With Cincy came injuries and a relatively irrelevant final decade in baseball. Maybe that’s why three writers chose not to vote for him.

Catcher Mike Piazza (and his mustache) were also voted in.

Yeah, I still don’t quite understand why NOBODY has ever been unanimously elected to the Hall of Fame (The Kid fell 3 votes short, out of I believe 340 ballots). So will Mariano Rivera, universally acknowledged as the greatest closer of all time, also fail to garner a unanimous vote. And just how many writers have been inducted into the Hall of Curmudgeon?

*The judges thank Gene, a.k.a. Okerland

3. Good Lovie Gone Bad

Thurston cannot believe the Bucs canned Lovie

Why did the Tampa Bay Buccaneers fire Lovie Smith after a two-year tour (“a two-year tour”)? And Howell that play with African-American players?

My only guess is that some coach that they preferred to groom Jameis Winston is out there/became available. Smith was 2-14 and then 6-10 in his two seasons in Tampa Bay.

4. Housing Bubble Bath

Is it already time to be making a sequel of the film in which Robbie appears?

This is Australian shell-du-bomb Margot Robbie, who has a brief but provocative scene playing herself in a film currently playing in a theater near you. I won’t say any more (haven’t I provided enough spoilers today?), but her (ob)scene was a stroke of genius.

5. Johnny B. Bad*

We’re at the point where it’s not a cry for help with Manziel; it’s a cry for a “30 for 30”

*The judges know we should do better than that…

So on the eve of his team’s final regular-season game, Johnny Manziel (who was injured and would not play) was reportedly in Las Vegas incognito (but not with Richie Incognito) in a blond wig? And LeBron’s marketing firm has dumped him?

Maybe what Manziel actually texted the Browns two years ago was, “Let’s wreck this team.”

It just feels as if someone is going to make quite a compelling “30 For 30” when all is said and dunced.

Music 101 

Blue Sky Mine

One of the best NYC club shows I ever saw (though I’m no regular at such) was Midnight Oil in 1991 or so. Few lead singers perspired more onstage than 6’6″ Peter Garrett, a creature who you could never take your eyes off. And that Save-the-Earth credo? After Midnight Oil’s disbanding in 2002, Garrett became a member of parliament in Australia and later was appointed Minister for the Environment, Heritage and the Arts.

Remote Patrol

Making a Murderer

NetFlix Any Time You Like

I’ve already seen the entire 10-hour documentary twice (once recreationally, once for work). It’s fascinating. If you ever needed proof that NetFlix was worth your dollars (full disclosure: I’m a shareholder), this is it. I still think investigators should be taking a much, much longer look at Ryan Hillegas, Bobby Dassey, and Steve Tadych. You?

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 30th to Irina Shayk, whose beau, Bradley Cooper, turned 41 yesterday.

Starting Five

When the Levy breaks….

1. NetFlix and Kill

That skeptical look on reporter Angenette Levy’s face. She speaks for nearly all of us as we listen to district attorney Ken “Full of” Kratz or his investigator attempt to double-talk another incongruous leap of logic in the trial of Steven Avery. Is he innocent or guilty? I’m not sure: I just know that the po po never looked at anyone else.

Who else was possibly culpable?

1. Ex-boyfriend Ryan Hillegas, and/or the roommate, and/or even her brother, who accessed her phone records and most likely deleted a message or two.
2. Lt. Lenk and/or Sgt. Colborn and/or Sheriff Petersen
3. Bobby Dassey and/or his mom’s boyfriend, Steve Tadych.

The Bro Bible just put out a ranking of the “10 Hottest People” in the show. Angenette is No. 1. If you have yet to engross yourself in Making a Murderer, the first pop culture phenomenon of 2016, what are you waiting for? It’s January, after all.

2. Under The Banner of Wacko

Bundy wants the federal government to keep its nose out of his business, but he will take that $530,00 loan, thank you.

If you read Jon Krakauer’s tremendous Under the Banner of Heaven, then you know that in some of the more sparsely populated areas of the American west, religious fanatics are only to happy to tell Uncle Sam to git out while also demanding welfare checks for all of the “single-parent” children they have. They’re mostly hypocrites and bigots, selfish separatists who, if they’re smart, keep their profile low.

But now Ammon Bundy has gone and did it. He’s made himself a cause celebrity in southeast Oregon, a place you’ve never been to, and the cause is telling the Bureau of Land Management that he makes decisions over property, not the government. However, he did happily accept a loan from that same govrernment for $530,000.

3. Bullets and Bawlers

One fingers is his trigger finger, and the other is reserved for Fox News

I didn’t get to watch President Obama’s reenact the penultimate scene from An American President yesterday, but now the auto emissions bill is definitely going to be tabled. And who from Fox News is going to look up the meaning of “erudite?”

Over at FOX, a hot female in a pink dress whose name won’t be worth remembering two months from now accused Obama of faking his tears. Yes, he’s probably trying to get elected..

4. Powerball Hits $500 Million

Like you, I chose the coordinates from To’hajiilee as my potential winning numbers.

5. I’m Totally Over Ronda Rousey

Hosting Saturday Night Live? Appearing in the SI Swimsuit Issue? Didn’t she lose??? That’s the problem with America: we don’t win any more.

Music 101

This Beat Goes On/Switchin’ To Glide

In 1980 The Kings, a band out of Vancouver, got themselves onto American Bandstand and alternative radio with this tempo-changer. They sounded a little bit like Squeeze or Split Enz to me. Hang around until the song changes its beat, until it switches to glide.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 38th to the hottest January on record. Here’s to global warming!

Starting Five

Allen Fieldhouse became Buddy Hield’s house, but it wasn’t quite enough….

1.Yeah, Buddy

I missed it, but talk about smart programming: On the first day after the massive bowls-and-NFL weekend, ESPN airs a No. 1 vs. No. 2 hoops matchup, Oklahoma at Kansas. If you’ve never been to Phog Allen Fieldhouse, it belongs right there with Cameron Indoor and the Palestra as the three college hoops palaces you need to visit (overrated, but still a must-see: Pauley Pavilion).

Anyway, Kansas won 109-106 in three overtimes (insert joke about the Jayhawks having to go for 2 in the third OT), but senior Sooner guard Buddy Hield scored 46 points. And now I know who Buddy Hield is.

2. Field Turf, Brian?

We miss Mr. Clean

Few middle linebackers, if any, were more imposing than the Chicago Bears’ 6’4″, 260-pound Brian Urlacher during his 13-year NFL career. He was more terrifying with his helmet off, showing off that gleaming bald pate.

He never had cancer, Jack!

But apparently Urlacher ran into Jon Lovitz (“You got it, Jack!”) from that Seinfeld episode and has decided to put some hair up there. What’s next? Michael Jordan in Jeri-curls?

3. January Jonesin’

At dinner with Roger Sterling and his wife?

“Father Abraham had seven sons/And seven sons had/Father Abraham…” We are all Bobby Draper (perhaps literally, considering how many actors played the role).

Rumor has it that Jon Hamm and January Jones, Mad Men’s Dysfunctional Draper Duo, are now dating. I hope he asks her to call him Dick Whitman. And that she stops smoking. And maybe they’ll adopt that creepy Glenn kid. And how does Elisabeth Moss feel about this? Oh well, the Ossining PTA just got that much more interesting.

4. Suns of Anarchy

Cyclone, Psycho

In the past 10 days, or after Markieff Morris threw a towel in the face of coach Jeff Hornacek during a game, the Phoenix Suns have lost to the Sixers at home, given up 142 to the Kings, and scored a total of 22 first-half point against the LOLakers, minus Kobe. My story in Newsweek about the NBA’s most fractious and lost franchise, Sixers included.

5. Elements of Style

I’ve never quite understood how new elements are discovered (or synthesized), and my bet is most of you either don’t know or more importantly, don’t care. Just know that we have them — as yet unnamed — and they were developed by scientists at the Livermore Labs in California, as well as in Japan and Russia.

The elements, as yet unnamed, have atomic numbers 113, 115, 117 and 118. They only have lives of a millisecond (so what does that make their half lives?) and have no practical use to society other than filling out the seventh row of the periodic table and rendering the opening of Breaking Bad obsolete. Seems like more  trouble than they are worth.

Music 101

Let It Ride

Contrary to popular belief,  early Seventies Canadian rockers Bachman-Turner Overdrive (BTO) were not a one-hit wonder. Besides “Taking Care of Business,” they also  scored hits with “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” and this tune. Love the jingle-jangle guitar overlaying the power chords. The tune peaked at No. 23 in 1973, but nobody ever changed the radio channel on a BTO tune, including this one. Related: The band that Jack Black‘s character fronts at the end of High Fidelity is called Kathleen Turner Overdrive.

Remote Patrol

Kentucky at LSU

ESPN 9 p.m.

The SEC is Simmons’ gap year between high school and a fat NBA contract…

The Wildcats spent two weeks as the nation’s top-ranked team. The Tigers boast the nation’s best player, a 6’10” Aussie named Ben Simmons, who is averaging more than 20 points and 13 boards per outing. Plus, you’ll hear the ESPN announcer say, “Labissiere!” a lot. It’s only the first week of January, but this is one of those college hoops games even the casual fan may want to check out.

by John Walters

That’s great. It’s starts with an earthquake. Snails and snakes an, areoplane. And Lenny Bruce is not afraid. A Medium Happy 56th to Michael Stipe.

Starting Five

Wayne Rogers (Trapper John) died on New Year’s Eve. It was a bad day for Hawkeyes all around.

1. Christian Soldiers Onward

Our Red Grange Award winner, Christian McCaffrey, gains 75 yards and scores a touchdown on an underneath route, without being touched, on the very first play of the Rose Bowl. Brent and Jesse didn’t even have time to give us the family lineage backstory, and he was already gone.

It was a Grange-worthy (vs. Michigan, 10/18/24) first half for the sophomore, who later in the first half returned a punt 66 yards for a TD, too. He had 368 all-purpose yards, a Rose Bowl record (and also became the first player in the game’s 113-year history to rush for 100 yards and have 100 yards receiving), and it would have been above 400 if his 50-plus yard TD run for scrimmage hadn’t been called back because of a hold that was not necessary. Christian McCaffrey does NOT need you to cheat for him.

We think he can hear you

Reactions on McCaffrey’s game (Stanford raced out to a 35-0 halftime lead, and won 45-16):

Stanford coach David Shaw: “I think he was the best player in America before this game, so I think it’s just the icing on the cake,”

Bro Who Video-Bombed Post-game Interview with Maria Taylor and Looked Too Much Like a Young Jim Harbaugh: “Heisman! Heisman! Heisman!”

2. Injustice For All

He’ll have Avery difficult time overturning a second felony conviction.

“Of course I’m dangerous. I’m police. I can do terrible things with impunity.”

Rust Cohle‘s statement kept popping up in my head as I devoured all 10 episodes of Making a Murderer on NetFlix this weekend. If you’re curious and have yet to watch: This is the true story of a man from Simpleton, Wisconsin, ( <–go with it) who was wrongly imprisoned for 18 years for a sexual assault he did not commit. Upon release, facts come to light that the sheriff and a few other law enforcement officials from Manitowoc County railroaded his conviction. They knew of another more likely suspect and ignored him (that man later confessed).

Of all the punchable faces in Making a Murderer, attorney Len Kachinsky seems the punchable-est.

Oh, but it gets worse. Our poorly educated, white-trash hero (or is he?) sues the county. For $36 million, enough money to bankrupt the Manitowoc County. Three weeks later a woman goes missing and her Rav4 is found in his salvage yard. Then a lot of key evidence just happens to turn up on his property (but only after multiple searches, and only after some bizarre coincidences). And it just keeps getting worse.

At one point during a TV interview, when the sheriff is asked about suspicions that they are framing Avery for a murder he did not commit, the sheriff actually says, by way of declaring his innocence, “It would’ve been easier for us to eliminate him than to frame him.”

Scary. And depressing. I’ll admit that I ordinarily see prosecutors as no-nonsense and direct, and defense lawyers as a little too slick and shady. I got exactly the opposite impression here. Dean Strang and Jerry Buting come off as heroic. Ken Kratz, the prosecutor, is downright sleazy (he will later resign as a County D.A. after he is caught sexting a battered woman whose case he prosecuted).

Did Avery do it? He might’ve. But watching how the state “builds” its case against Avery will erode your trust in law enforcement (unless you’re black, in which case you’re saying, “I told you so”).

Here’s a piece on how the filmmakers made this documentary.

3. Commanders-In-Chief In Corvettes Getting Coffee

Jerry just learned that he received a presidential pardon for mail fraud.

If you have 20 spare minutes and access to the internet, avail yourself of this outstanding webisode of CICGC. It really heats up about halfway through when our host, Jerry Seinfeld, and his guest, the 44th president of the United States of America, become getting comfortable with each other.

Jerry: “I never retired. I’m still working.”

Obama: “You still doing stand-up?”

Jerry (pause): “You still making speeches?”

So many nice touches, such as when Jerry arrives at the Oval Office by knocking on the window, and Obama just gives him the disdainful “Go around to the door” wave. It’s just like an episode of Seinfeld except that it takes place at the White House and there’s an African-American character who is not playing a security guard.

4. Yokel Haram*

They refuge to budge

*Not mine, but I wish it were. They’re also being referred to as “Y’AllQueda” and “White ISIS.”

Al Bundy. Peg Bundy. Ted Bundy. McGeorge Bundy. Clive Bundy, and his kin. There are just a bundle of bad Bundy out there.

I haven’t got the complete picture, yet, but apparently 150 or so heavily armed not-terrorists (it’s very important to them that you know that) have taken over a federal building in a wildlife refuge in Oregon and aren’t going to budge. This is Bundy’s Last Stand. They’re a little sick of the government interfering with their property. And, you know, they may owe a lot in back taxes.

It’s sort of a perversion of the Woody Guthrie line. They’re singing, “This land is our land, this land is our land…”

Anyway, I don’t get it. If you want to live somewhere that is devoid of government interference and you can do whatever pleases you, just move to Wall Street.

5. Bowl Bummers

Nooooooooooo!

—Jaylon Smith’s “significant” knee injury in the Fiesta Bowl, in what should have been his final Notre Dame game before being a Top 10 NFL draft pick.

–Alabama 38, Michigan State 0. Stanford 35, Iowa 0 at the half. Georgia 24, Penn State 3 in the third quarter (ended 24-17). Tennessee 45, Northwestern 6. To be fair, the B1G went 5-5 in bowl games, with wins versus USC, UCLA and Florida. It’s just that when they did lose, it seemed that much more visible.

–The boring semis, although, again, to be fair, the first half of the Orange Bowl had an electric atmosphere. I really didn’t mind the New Year’s Eve time slot, but then I’m not the guy who wears the glasses with the numerical year cut out for them. If the contests had been closer, I think the TV ratings still would have suffered, but the overall derision and griping would have been less.

–The targeting rule: Did you really pay that much money to attend the Fiesta Bowl simply to see the potential No. 1 pick in the NFL draft get ejected for hitting a quarterback in the sternum? C’mon. At the very least, targeting needs to be changed to a Flagrant 1/Flagrant 2 situation, if for no other reason than that we can have ESPN broadcasters get all didactic about what the difference between the two is.

–An overall prevailing sense that ESPN completely runs college football and spoon feeds us the story lines, etc. A lot of people at ESPN do a great job (special salutes to Chris Spielman and Brent Musburger), and it’s not as if they don’t care. It’s just that if I wanted a sports league and a television network to be indivisible from one another, I’d still be watching the XFL.

p.s. The Alamo Bowl was great. A friend of mine took Oregon minus the points. Poor him.

Music 101

New Year’s Day

An obvious choice (for our first post of the new year), but this song AND video is what first caught everyone’s attention about U2. In the early 1980s, New Wave bands from the UK (and Ireland) were churning out on the MTV at a rate of one per week (or more), but there was something different about these guys. We just knew. Either that or they were a slightly better version of Big Country. Anyway, though torn in two/we can be one (just like Ireland!).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0adDZ2-Y9_s

Remote Patrol

Johnny Belinda

AMC 6 p.m.

Why, man? Why are you doing this?

In the golden age of Hollywood, this 1948 film was nominated for TWELVE Academy Awards, including Best Picture. Jane Wyman (above) won for Best Actress. In an adaptation of an actual incident, Wyman plays a deaf mute who is raped by a town drunk and then marries the star of Bedtime for Bonzo. Or something like that. Anyway, I’ve never seen it, either. Maybe we should all tune in. Twelve Oscar nominations, after all.