by John Walters

Starting Five

1. MAM-ogram

There’s really nothing else to chew on this week –it’s too soon to begin devouring boilerplate profiles of dirt-poor Dabo — other than Making A Murderer, so let’s compile a ranking of its 10 11 Worst Humans, shall we?

1. Ken Kratz, District Attorney, Lead Prosecutor: While he may not have been the mastermind of any police framing, he had the greatest responsibility to pursue justice as opposed to a conviction. I was watching the 1944 film noir classic Laura last night, in which our detective, MacPherson, informs a potential suspect, “I’m here to find the truth.” That was never much of a concern with these law enforcement officials. Kratz will later lose his job for sexting a domestic violence victim whom he defended. Stay classy, Ken.
2. James Lenk, Manitowoc County Lt: If anyone planted the key, and the bullet, and the blood, he did.
3. Michael O’Kelly: He basically advises genocide against the Avery clan because he believes they’re in-bred yokels. I have no problem if you rank him No. 1.
4. Mark Wiegert, Detective: One of the two interrogators who coerce Brendan Dassey’s confession. Sits uncomfortably close to you, and when taking stand throws out asides such as, “They had five days (to clean up the evidence).” He’s Marty Hart come to life.
5. Sheriff Ken Petersen: Originally arrested Avery in 1985. Tells TV reporter that it would have been easier to kill Avery than to frame him. If there is a framing going on, is he the mastermind?
6. Sgt. Andy Colborn: Simply following orders. The Paulie Walnuts of this crew. When Strang catches him calling in a license plate number of a vehicle that is two days away from being found, I thought it was game over. Apparently not.
   

   Andy Colborn: He’ll get on that report right away, chief, like, 6 months or 8 years from now…

7. Len Kachinsky, Defense Attorney: Len’s too busy yukking it up with the media to appear on this list.
8. Eugene Kusche, Manitowoc Sheriff’s Dept: Kusche drew the incriminating sketch of Avery in his 1985 rape trial, reportedly based not on the victim’s description but from a pre-existing photo of Avery. Twenty years later, when Kusche is deposed, there’s a moment where he is asked a question and he leans back in his chair in a way that suggests, “I’m not comfortable being here.” Also claims that he doesn’t believe Avery is innocent of the rape, choosing to believe that the DNA evidence was planted.
9. Norm Gahn, Special Prosecutor: His double-talk with the press after Strang and Buting ate prosecution’s lunch always put a don’t-bullshit-me look on Angenette Levy’s face. I suppose we should thank him for that.
10. Steven Tadych, relative: Provides incriminating eye-witness evidence that the defense appears to decisively rebut (not that the jury cares). Wore his nicest V-neck sweater to court. Rejoiced when Avery was found guilty.
11. Ryan Hillegas: Ex-boyfriend who, I’m sorry, seems to be hiding something. Visits Teresa the day before she disappears, but cannot remember what time of day? Hacks into her email account? C’mon.

2. The Kid In The Hall*

Nine All-Star Games. Ten Gold Gloves. One MVP. 630 home runs. No World Series. Strictly as a fan, I’ll always be a little miffy with Ken Griffey (Jr.) that he chose to play for his hometown Cincinnati Reds 11 seasons in Seattle that were about as good as anyone’s in the modern era.

The Kid and Alex Rodriguez, both in their primes in the Emerald City, would have been a treat, the game’s premier one-two punch. With Cincy came injuries and a relatively irrelevant final decade in baseball. Maybe that’s why three writers chose not to vote for him.

Catcher Mike Piazza (and his mustache) were also voted in.

Yeah, I still don’t quite understand why NOBODY has ever been unanimously elected to the Hall of Fame (The Kid fell 3 votes short, out of I believe 340 ballots). So will Mariano Rivera, universally acknowledged as the greatest closer of all time, also fail to garner a unanimous vote. And just how many writers have been inducted into the Hall of Curmudgeon?

*The judges thank Gene, a.k.a. Okerland

3. Good Lovie Gone Bad

Why did the Tampa Bay Buccaneers fire Lovie Smith after a two-year tour (“a two-year tour”)? And Howell that play with African-American players?

My only guess is that some coach that they preferred to groom Jameis Winston is out there/became available. Smith was 2-14 and then 6-10 in his two seasons in Tampa Bay.

4. Housing Bubble Bath

This is Australian shell-du-bomb Margot Robbie, who has a brief but provocative scene playing herself in a film currently playing in a theater near you. I won’t say any more (haven’t I provided enough spoilers today?), but her (ob)scene was a stroke of genius.

5. Johnny B. Bad*

*The judges know we should do better than that…

So on the eve of his team’s final regular-season game, Johnny Manziel (who was injured and would not play) was reportedly in Las Vegas incognito (but not with Richie Incognito) in a blond wig? And LeBron’s marketing firm has dumped him?

Maybe what Manziel actually texted the Browns two years ago was, “Let’s wreck this team.”

It just feels as if someone is going to make quite a compelling “30 For 30” when all is said and dunced.

Music 101 

Blue Sky Mine

One of the best NYC club shows I ever saw (though I’m no regular at such) was Midnight Oil in 1991 or so. Few lead singers perspired more onstage than 6’6″ Peter Garrett, a creature who you could never take your eyes off. And that Save-the-Earth credo? After Midnight Oil’s disbanding in 2002, Garrett became a member of parliament in Australia and later was appointed Minister for the Environment, Heritage and the Arts.

Remote Patrol

Making a Murderer

NetFlix Any Time You Like

I’ve already seen the entire 10-hour documentary twice (once recreationally, once for work). It’s fascinating. If you ever needed proof that NetFlix was worth your dollars (full disclosure: I’m a shareholder), this is it. I still think investigators should be taking a much, much longer look at Ryan Hillegas, Bobby Dassey, and Steve Tadych. You?