by John Walters
A Medium Happy 38th to the hottest January on record. Here’s to global warming!
Starting Five
Allen Fieldhouse became Buddy Hield’s house, but it wasn’t quite enough….
1.Yeah, Buddy
I missed it, but talk about smart programming: On the first day after the massive bowls-and-NFL weekend, ESPN airs a No. 1 vs. No. 2 hoops matchup, Oklahoma at Kansas. If you’ve never been to Phog Allen Fieldhouse, it belongs right there with Cameron Indoor and the Palestra as the three college hoops palaces you need to visit (overrated, but still a must-see: Pauley Pavilion).
Anyway, Kansas won 109-106 in three overtimes (insert joke about the Jayhawks having to go for 2 in the third OT), but senior Sooner guard Buddy Hield scored 46 points. And now I know who Buddy Hield is.
2. Field Turf, Brian?
We miss Mr. Clean
Few middle linebackers, if any, were more imposing than the Chicago Bears’ 6’4″, 260-pound Brian Urlacher during his 13-year NFL career. He was more terrifying with his helmet off, showing off that gleaming bald pate.
He never had cancer, Jack!
But apparently Urlacher ran into Jon Lovitz (“You got it, Jack!”) from that Seinfeld episode and has decided to put some hair up there. What’s next? Michael Jordan in Jeri-curls?
3. January Jonesin’
At dinner with Roger Sterling and his wife?
“Father Abraham had seven sons/And seven sons had/Father Abraham…” We are all Bobby Draper (perhaps literally, considering how many actors played the role).
Rumor has it that Jon Hamm and January Jones, Mad Men’s Dysfunctional Draper Duo, are now dating. I hope he asks her to call him Dick Whitman. And that she stops smoking. And maybe they’ll adopt that creepy Glenn kid. And how does Elisabeth Moss feel about this? Oh well, the Ossining PTA just got that much more interesting.
4. Suns of Anarchy
Cyclone, Psycho
In the past 10 days, or after Markieff Morris threw a towel in the face of coach Jeff Hornacek during a game, the Phoenix Suns have lost to the Sixers at home, given up 142 to the Kings, and scored a total of 22 first-half point against the LOLakers, minus Kobe. My story in Newsweek about the NBA’s most fractious and lost franchise, Sixers included.
5. Elements of Style
I’ve never quite understood how new elements are discovered (or synthesized), and my bet is most of you either don’t know or more importantly, don’t care. Just know that we have them — as yet unnamed — and they were developed by scientists at the Livermore Labs in California, as well as in Japan and Russia.
The elements, as yet unnamed, have atomic numbers 113, 115, 117 and 118. They only have lives of a millisecond (so what does that make their half lives?) and have no practical use to society other than filling out the seventh row of the periodic table and rendering the opening of Breaking Bad obsolete. Seems like more trouble than they are worth.
Music 101
Let It Ride
Contrary to popular belief, early Seventies Canadian rockers Bachman-Turner Overdrive (BTO) were not a one-hit wonder. Besides “Taking Care of Business,” they also scored hits with “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” and this tune. Love the jingle-jangle guitar overlaying the power chords. The tune peaked at No. 23 in 1973, but nobody ever changed the radio channel on a BTO tune, including this one. Related: The band that Jack Black‘s character fronts at the end of High Fidelity is called Kathleen Turner Overdrive.
Remote Patrol
Kentucky at LSU
ESPN 9 p.m.
The SEC is Simmons’ gap year between high school and a fat NBA contract…
The Wildcats spent two weeks as the nation’s top-ranked team. The Tigers boast the nation’s best player, a 6’10” Aussie named Ben Simmons, who is averaging more than 20 points and 13 boards per outing. Plus, you’ll hear the ESPN announcer say, “Labissiere!” a lot. It’s only the first week of January, but this is one of those college hoops games even the casual fan may want to check out.