Happy 66th birthday, Dave!

The king of comedy

 Starting Five

1. San Diego is now Brawltimore

The word “pacific” means “peaceful in character or intent”, but don’t tell that to the San Diego Padres or Los Angeles Dodgers. Last night Dodger pitcher Zach Greinke plunked Padre batter Carlos Quentin (a San Diego native who attended Stanford, by the way), inciting the “Melee Near Mission Bay.” San Diego is renowned for its wondrous Balboa Park, but who knew it was Rocky Balboa Park (wakka wakka wakka). Mitigating factors:

* Quentin, a right-handed hitter who is known for diving over the plate, was hit on the left shoulder on a 3-2 count in a one-run game in the 6th inning.

*Greinke had hit Quentin, alias “The La Jolla Destroya'”,  twice before in their careers. Greinke has never hit one batter three times.

*Since the start of the 2008 season, Quentin leads the majors in HBP. He has been plunked 96 times, including last night. Quentin led all of baseball in HBP in each of the last two seasons.

Jorge Soler cannot understand why Quentin dropped his bat.

You’d accuse Greinke of having such outstanding control that he knew exactly what he was doing here, but on the other hand the lone earned run he allowed in this game prior to leaving it –the lone run allowed in his two starts — was due to a wild pitch two innings earlier. Greinke, who took on Quentin’s charge to the mound far better than Manti Te’o took on Alabama running backs back in January, broke his collarbone and will miss at least a month or two. Nice $147 million investment there for the Dodgers.

For us, the final piece of the puzzle is what Greinke said to Quentin after plunking him. Quentin took a step or two toward the mound, but then went all bull-seeing-red for some reason a moment later. Here’s what Quentin had to say about that: “I’ve been hit by many pitches. Some have been intentional, some have not been. For the amount I have been hit and my hitting style, I’m going to repeat: I have never reacted that way.”

Makes you wonder what Greinke said to incite this.

2. Carmelo Anthony goes for 36 points, but the Knicks’ 13-game win streak ends in Chicago. Kevin Durant scores 31 points but the Thunder win at Golden State. Currently, Carmelo (“He’s a chucker!”) leads in the scoring race, 28.7 ppg to 28.3 ppg. Hey, here’s a surprise: Do you know who’s leading the NBA in rebounding? The season’s biggest disappointment, Dwight Howard.

OKC should make these their permanent road jerseys…

Jon Barry (whom I love) back on SportsCenter: “The Lakers haven’t been on the same page all year. They haven’t even been in the same library.”

…and the Heat should make these their permanent home jerseys.

3. Leave it to The Daily Show to unearth a wonderful little story as a launch pad to reveal the lunacy and paranoia that is the NCAA. Aasif Mandvi to Minnesota wrestler Joel Bauman, who was on 10% scholarship but lost his eligibility after releasing a rap tune: “Let me tell you your first problem: You’re rapping under the name Joel Bauman.” And after Bauman drops some lyrics, Mandvi deadpans, “But you’re a good wrestler, right?…You’re going to keep wrestling?” The payoff comes from 2:47 to 2:58 on the clip, ending with a North Carolina Tar Heel troll doll. Apt.

4. Here’s Frank Rich writing for New York magazine on the state of the print media industry. Item: There are 30% fewer staffers in the industry than there were in 2000. What’s the problem? Well, consider that you are reading about it on a blog that costs you nothing to read, a blog written by an erstwhile staffer of 15 years at America’s premier sports publication who now earns more money than he ever did there peddling steaks and boozahol two blocks south of its offices. And that you are reading it off a link from the magazine, a magazine that would prefer –but does not demand– you read it by actually purchasing the magazine or buying a subscription. Imagine if there were outlets where you could take sips of Diet Coke for free without actually purchasing a six-pack. How much Diet Coke would you buy?

5. This is funny. Two members of Rush, Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson, tour Rolling Stone’s offices. Why is that funny? Because Rush, which was recently elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, never “made the cover of the Rolling Stone.” They’re no Stillwater, after all. And here they are touring the hallways of Rolling Stone perusing all of the covers in the mag’s 44-year history. Geddy Lee spotting Rodney Dangerfield on the cover of RS: “I identify with Rodney.” Where’s drummer Neil Peart? Bands always leave out the drummers, no? Here’s one of the Canadian trio’s better opening guitar riffs.

Rush: Unafraid to devote an album cover to a pun.

Reserves

We are not even two weeks — a fortnight! — in, so don’t make too much of it, but the National League RBI leader is a dude with a name out of a Steinbeck novel who was born in Wyoming: John Buck of the New York Mets, who has 15. Buck’s position is catcher, but as this story demonstrates, he also has two career saves.

Miss Snake Charmer? Don’t go there, bub.

Young lady standing in the midst of a metaphor for what actual corporate life will be like for her.

Whenever I see that Erin Andrews TruBiotics ad, my mind returns to this sketch from the old ABC late-night attempt at taking down SNL, “Fridays.” “Take a pill!”

I picture Michelle Beadle popping down one of these pills and chasing it with a shot of Patron. Am I wrong?

Mark Lisanti’s “Mad Men Power Rankings” is always a fun read…

Remember the Carnival cruise liner Triumph (“this is a good ship for all of us…to POOP on!”)? Well, they’re offering four-night cruises starting at $149 per person. That’s $38 per night.

The last four emails of Bill Simmons’ long-awaited “Mailbag“, still the best read in sports. Also, note that the afrorementioned Mark Lisanti drops in a question earlier. My favorite comes from the reader that notices that when the Trail Blazers visit the Hornets, the city abbreviations on the scroll combine to make “POR NO”.

Also from the men of Grantland (this blog has morphed into The Grantland Index today), votes for the next host of The Tonight Show. One thing all of us can agree on: It shouldn’t be Jimmy Fallon. My votes are not included here: 1) Seth MacFarland 2) Seth Meyers and 3) Not-Seth DeGeneres.

Why hasn’t anyone mentioned Ellen to succeed Leno?

Manti Te’o visited the steakateria last night. A former New York Giant defensive player was part of his dining party. No one set out an extra table setting for his girlfriend.

Remote Patrol

Wet Hot American Summer

FLIX 8 p.m.

I attended an outdoor screening of this film last summer not far from the Brooklyn Bridge, accompanied by a few thousand hipsters. Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler showed up and you would have thought the Beatles reunited. Funny indie film from 2001, but the cast list is why it bears watching: those two plus Christopher Meloni (as the Carl Spackler of Camp Firewood), Bradley Cooper, Elizabeth Banks and the always underrated Ken Marino. It’s “Dazed and Confused” with a side of “Meatballs.”

.

xxx

xx

Before we issue today’s edition of “It’s All Happening”, here’s the marvelous Chris Corbellini with a brand new, um, thing for us: “Upon Further Review.” This is where Chris returns to a film he saw awhile ago, and with the benefit of time and perspective provides an even more insightful essay. It’s kind of like twice-baked potatoes-meets-film criticism. This is not to be confused with “Upon Fuhrer Review”, which we plan to introduce next week. Here’s Chris…

Upon Further Review: The Descendants

by Chris Corbellini

My first screening of “The Descendants” told me what I already knew: Hawaii is the Leonard-Hagler of tourist spots, a heavenly, hype-busting spit of sand and coral and pools of aquamarine. Halfway through the film the camera cranes over George Clooney and his family as they stare at an unspoiled coast that is a key plot point of the picture, and several patrons in the theater gasped in awe. The land had the best part in the movie. Walking home through a crosswind in frozen and bitter-about-it NYC, I wondered … if this movie were set in Omaha and the mother’s accident happened on an icy road, would people show up to watch? But there’s no denying the re-watchability of it now, as produced on a beach towel in the Pacific. More than a year later “The Descendants” is replayed on HBO virtually every afternoon, becoming a candidate for the 21st Century’s “Just One Of the Guys,” and I thought I’d give it another try.

A Rumination With a View

“Paradise? Paradise can go f-ck itself.”

Writer-director Alexander Payne likes to tell stories about men who must take a bite out of the sloppy poop panini that is sometimes our everyday existence, and then, when they make A Big Decision, those characters must gaze at that panini, sniff it, then wolf it all down in agonizing gulps. In “The Descendants” Payne maps out another tale of emotional awful, and by the third act Clooney has taken so many blows to the psyche he’s seemingly driven downward into the sand. The world-famous actor seems smaller and slighter in his slumped shoulders by the final frames. He also finally looks like a dad.

Sir Salt-and-Pepper plays a lawyer named Matt King, and the story (based on a book by Kaui Hart Hemmings) is as simple and stately as the name. King’s thrill-seeking wife is in a coma after a boating accident and within the first few minutes a doctor gives him somber news no husband wants to hear. He elevates to QB1 after being the “back-up parent” with two daughters who are molded in his spouse’s willful image, and tries not to drown. In doing so, his oldest confesses that mommie dearest was skipping out on him with another man, a Tommy Bahama-wearing real estate anti-Christ. Instead of it all playing out vindictively, the main character decides he wants whatever consistency he can find in his girls’ lives, and perhaps preserve a slice of Kauai who’s sole rightful owner should be the sun. The hints were there from the first few edits: “You give your children enough money to do something but not enough to do nothing,” King says. Right. How would you like your poop panini prepared, Mr King?

Yeah, but think about the estate tax.

Watching the climactic signature scene again, I noticed Clooney is barefoot. He isn’t wearing shoes during an angry confrontation with his wife’s friends about her infidelity either, and neither are they (“You were putting lipstick on a corpse!!”). It’s just as well – Hawaii has to be felt on your bare skin to be appreciated and it’s a nice little costume detail. One of the funniest bits of the movie is when King is actually wearing the wrong shoes as he spastically runs through his neighborhood, and you can hear the slaps of his Dockers on the road. It sounds so … perfectly awkward.  Staying with the technical aspects here that I missed the first time, I spotted two interesting camera shots, filmed for the sake of interesting camera shots: when Clooney’s oldest daughter, played by Shailene Woodley, is caught drinking at her school and tries to evade a searching flashlight, and later, when she screams while submerged in the deep end of a pool. The score was probably the easiest choice for any director that year – local flavor – and that music tickles the footage in the right places (the standout moments: when Clooney dips beneath a bush looking at his wife’s lover, and when a nurse explains the inevitable to the youngest daughter).

All these tiny details and heartbreak add up to an three-star ocean resort of a movie, and Payne doesn’t push it any further.

You have to want to spend two hours with a shell-shocked family, and that’s where the Kings run up the score. When the Beau Bridges character reveals how a man named Brian Speer factors into the land decision at a local bar, Clooney slowly slumps away and his face is molten misery. The close-up reaction was so good, in fact, that the editor uses a “jump cut,” showing the actor twice from the same angle as he plops into a chair. The younger daughter Scottie (Amara Miller) somehow has the best comic timing, and Woodley spits out every line like she just downed a shot of Red Bull. During the confrontation scene with the adulterer on a beach house porch the angst-y teen becomes dad’s Scottie Pippen for good – at that moment it looks like the two actors share the same DNA. The only speech I felt was off that I enjoyed the first go-around was actress Judy Greer’s moment at the mother’s bedside. It felt like overkill. By the time Mr. King says his own goodbye (truly gutting), I’d seen way too many teary-eyed confessionals.

At the end of the day, you’re eating ice cream on a couch in Hawaii with George Clooney. Chin up, girls.

And I still think the grandest performers are the islands of Hawaii. There’s a misty morning scene when King is jogging on the beach and passes the man he’s been looking for, the stranger in the strangers-in-the-night equation, and it’s one of the most stunning settings I’ve seen captured on film. Perhaps that’s the larger point of the movie – this is the silhouette-on-the-beach beauty that’s passing us all by while we are so wrapped up in our heads and tragedies. Then again, perhaps not.  Matt King is looking out for his kids, above all. Hardly a novel thought but worth revisiting on a wintry afternoon, especially with all that tropical island real estate porn around.

Starting Five

1. Honeymoon Over My Hammy

Let’s just begin with the Las Vegas Denny’s that now has a wedding chapel. The service costs $95 but we suggest a gratuity of 15-20%. Top three items from Late Show’s Top 10 list on this: “Number 6, You may now exchange onion rings; No. 4, I will now read a passage from Appetizers; and No. 2, The waiter is in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam.”

Not to be outdone, McDonald’s is introducing Drive-Thru Divorce

2 Black Mamba 47

The Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scores a season-high 47 points in 48 minutes as LA edges the Blazers and soon-to-be Rookie of the Year Damian Lillard (38 points). Kobe is averaging 29.5 points over the Lakers’ last eight games, six of them wins, and in the only game he failed to lead LA in scoring, he recorded a triple-double. LA has Golden State, San Antonio and Houston while Utah has two versus the T-Wolves and one versus Memphis. The Lakers have one less defeat now, but if they finish with the same record, the Jazz earn the eighth spot. LeBron: MOP. Kobe: MVP.

Mamba: For goodness’ snake

3. Is it really Quidditch if nobody can fly? The Quidditch World Cup takes place this weekend in Kissimmee, Fla. and be thankful if your school failed to qualify. Most frequent complaint officials hear? “He muggled me on that play.”

One circle. Many squares.

4. Steve Rushin, doin’ what he was born to do. I particularly enjoyed “a crock of Bulls-Heat.”

Rushin, a.k.a. Sir I Lick Guinness

5. Now That’s What I Call a Gal-lery

Yes, that’s Lindsey Vonn looking all Adele Invergordon (all three “The Legend of Bagger Vance” reading this pat selves on the back) during the opening round of the Masters. You know, it’s funny. Vonn’s boyfriend, Tiger Woods, already has four Masters. When will he go for his PhD?

Lindsey

Adele/Charlize

Reserves

Cub prospect Jorge Soler reportedly rushes the opposing dugout wielding a baseball bat. Cub GM Theo Epstein deals him to Lt. Aldo Raine of “the Basterds.”

Your team has won one world championship in the 21st century. Your owner during at least part of that time may be the most bombastic in the sport. Your best player was born outside of the United States. And your team suddenly looks old and not playoff-bound. You are the New York Yankees. Or the Dallas Mavericks.

Fenway Park fails to sell out for the first time in nearly 10 years.

Chances that “Accidental Racist” makes it on to the soundtrack of “42?”

Remote Patrol

The Masters, Opening Round

The Golf Channel, 7:30 p.m.

ESPN 8 p.m.

It’s not live coverage, but it’s still Augusta. Scott Van Pelt and Andy North are your stewards. Tom Rinaldi will interview Bubba Watson in an attempt to set a new world-record in on-air tears.

Starting Five

1. UConn’s Icon

That’s eight national championships for Luigi “Geno” Auriemma and Connecticut. In some ways this was the most incredible job Geno has done. The Huskies were just 5-3 between February 18 and the start of the NCAA tourney, although those three losses were to Baylor and Notre Dame. Know this: Geno opened up cases of whupass between the end of the Big East tourney and the launch of the NCAAs, and Gampel Pavilion was likely not a very happy place those first two weeks of March.

Eight is not enough for Geno

The product? Connecticut won its six NCAA tournament games by an AVERAGE margin of 34.67 points: 68, 33, 26, 30, 18 and 33. The Huskies blew out Louisville, with Rick Pitino seated in the stands and looking in dire need of a refreshing can of True Blood,  by a record-33 points in last night’s final. UConn went on a 19-0 run in the first half and a 24-6 run in the second. Dominant.

Kudos to Geno, who joined the ESPN on-site desk and was asked by a panel of Kevin Ngandi, Kara Lawson and Carolyn Peck to discuss his place alongside John Wooden (10 titles), Pat Summitt (8), Mike Krzyzewski and Adolph Rupp (4), for two things: 1) for correctly noting that he and Pat belong in one category and that the aforementioned men’s coaches belong in another and 2) for not saying, “I’m just here to add diversity.” (although he’s such a wiseass that I wouldn’t be surprised if the thought had crossed his mind).

2. Dortmund? Yes, Dortmund!

Let’s set the stage: Champions League quarterfinal, in Dortmund, Germany. Borussia Dortmund (northeast Germany) hosts Malaga (on the Andalusian coast, a.k.a. southern Spain). The squads play a home-and-home series, with the winner decided on aggregate goals. The first match, in Malaga, had ended 0-0, which meant that all Malaga had to do was score one goal and finish in a draw and they would advance (in case of the two squads being tied in goals after both matches, the winner is whichever side scores more “a

Dortmund: favorite Euro football team of Wiz Khalifa.

way” goals). In the 82nd minute, Malaga takes a 2-1 lead on a controversial goal by Eliseu, who appeared slightly offsides.

At the end of 90 minutes, it remained 2-1 Malaga. All the visitors had to do in three or four minutes of stoppage time was hold their hosts to one goal. They did not. Dortmund scored twice in the final four minutes of play in front of their home fans to win 3-2 and advance to the Champions League semi-finals. Easily the most dramatic finish to a soccer game since Manchester City erased a 2-1 deficit in the final 125 seconds of stoppage time last May versus Queens Park Rangers to avoid an epic choke job and win the Premier League title, their first in four decades.

Right now Adam Duerson is nodding his head and saying, “That’s my boy.”

3. Game of Thrones: (I know it was three nights ago; give a blogger a break) The View comes to Westeros.

 Theon actually had a choice between having his left foot mangled or having to listen to Lady Stark’s soliloquy to her daughter-in-law, Talisa Love-Hewitt (granted, my construction), on an endless loop. He chose the former. Wise man…My favorite scene occurred between Joffrey the Cruel (great ancestor of Johnny the jerk from the Kobra Kai martial arts studio) and Margaery of The Fairest Rack, when she realizes that her future betrothed is not so much into either women or men as he is into sadism. She’s a wise lass, that one. And how about that line, played out to a 2013 audience: “I imagine it must be so exciting to squeeze your finger here and watch someone die over there.” After that moment Wayne LaPierre excused himself and headed to the bathroom…Also, yes, that was the kid who played Liam Neeson’s son in “Love, Actually” befriending “Bran, the Illegitimate Son of Steve Perry”. Meanwhile, there are cats who are jealous of how many lives Arrya seems to get. As for Brienne and Kingslayer, shouldn’t Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro sue for royalties? This is “Medieval Midnight Run”. Then again, I keep hoping they emerge from a wooded area to happen upon a Lilith Fair show.

“After this, let’s go hunt lions from helicopters using machine guns with our friends, the princes from the United Arab Emirates, ‘k?”

Duerson is now nodding more proudly and beginning to wonder whether I’m considering a move to Brooklyn and entering a competitive eating contest (no on both)

4. April Beard Report, Before and After:

Stan Rizzo, Mad Men:

Clean-shaven, before the Summer of Love and Sgt. Pepper’s….

And after…

Facial Hair Tonic

Josh Reddick, Oakland A’s

With the Red Sox

…and now with the A’s

Next stop: lead singer of My Morning Jacket

 Kevin Youkilis, New York Yankees

Fenway days

and now in the Bronx

And finally, Jaime Lannister (a.k.a. Kingslayer)

Back in his sister-bangin’ days….

and after…

Jaime and Brienne, reprising Grodin and Deniro’s “Midnight Run” schtick on “Game of Thrones”

5. This interview with Lindsay Lohan is why David Letterman remains the best at what he does. And the only host of consequence since Johnny Carson. Dave: “We’ve been here 30 years and there are still people here whose names I don’t know.” LL: “You don’t mean that.” Dave: “You’re right, I don’t mean it. It’s true, but I don’t mean it.” Lindsay herself was pretty charming, too.

Reserves

Remember when I dissed the Lastros? Houston scored 17 runs in their first seven games. Then they plated 16 men last night in Seattle. In my imaginary Lastros Hedge fund, I actually (I swear!) took the Lastros to win, so I’m now up about $6K. Tonight I’ll take them to lose in Seattle. We may make this a “thing” on IAH. Still considering…

The Lakers defeat the Hornets and the Jazz lose to the Thunder, and David Stern, who is visiting India this week, exhales. LA now holds the 8th and final spot out West in the battle to be hoobaspanked by the Spurs or OKC in the first round.

Tonight on ESPNU: The NCAA Diving Championships! It’s like “Splash!” without the alarming dearth of diving talent.

Former Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson at Comerica Park. As someone on Twitter opined, “He should’ve tucked the ball and ran.”

Lob that was LOL

Yes, some 81,000 people attended Met Life Stadium last weekend for WrestleMania 29. And The Onion with some terrific reportage on inconsistent officiating. So Ed Rush found a new job and pronto.

The first paragraph of this story on a survey of hedge fund professionals tells me one thing: between 64-65% of them are lying. Meanwhile, how many fans of either horticulture or the Georgia Bulldogs are feeling sheepish about having purchased a subscription to Hedgeworld?

What was the best zinger from last Friday’s Friars Club roast of Jack Black? I’ll let you decide, but my favorite comes from Jeffery Ross: “Dee Snider, Debbie Harry, Joan Osborne. Last time I saw these three musicians together was in a $1 CD bin.”

Remote Patrol

Torture Porn Night!!!!

Saw, TMC, 7 p.m.

Hostel, IFC, 8 p.m.

Remember that glorious time about a decade ago when kids would flock to theaters to watch teens and young adults be dismembered or disemboweled? I think “Hostel” was the worst thing to happen to tourism in Europe since the SS. Then again, Inglourious Basterds (TNT, 5:30 p.m.) is on tonight. I’ll stop short of calling it a classic, but I’ll say this: 1) the opening scene, the strudel scene and the bar scene are all mesmerizing, and 2) Diane Kruger is as underrated a beauty as there is.

“On second thought, you should have just ordered TWO more beers.”

xxx

Starting Five

Another early steakateria morning. Will do the best I can with what time we have together…

1. Louisville won in one of the most entertaining national championships ever not played in the 1980s. I’m just going to re-run some of my tweets from last night in this space (begging your pardon)…Pre-game: Jay Bilas is showing UM’s offensive sets w/help of Ga Tech players. But it’s not realistic cuz he’s not hurling balls at anyone. Warm-ups: If Mitch McGary were just a little slower, jumped a little less high, and slightly more doughy, he could play for Notre Dame. After someone tweets photo of Michigan native Kate Upton outside Georgia Dome: Atlanta: B.J., Justin and, tonight, Kate Upton. That’s a whole lot of Uptons in the 404. Pre-game: How did Chris Webber get to national championship game? He WALKED, of course. After Fab Five are shown sitting together: When the Fab Five go out after game, if they don’t split check 3 ways, then those guys are bastards.

The Fab Five are present for another UM title game loss. Paging Glen Rice and Rumeal Robinson.

Right after 5-11 Spike Albrecht drove past a Louisville defender to put UM up 33-21 and score his 17th (and final point) of the contest, the Cardinals called timeout. The first ad on TV was the AT&T classroom guy asking four NBA Hall of Famers, “Is it better to be bigger or smaller?” Perfect irony…. No Amanda Marcum during “One Shining Moment?” Epic fail, CBS.

When CBS drops the ball, I’m here for you.

2. The Great White Hoop The first half belonged to a pair of Caucasian back-ups whom the Utah Jazz have since likely moved to the top of their draft board. Michigan’s 5-11 freshman Spike Albrecht, a transfer from Appalachian State of all places (!) (correction: Spike’s only DI scholly offer was from App. State; he never attended school there. My bad. –JW), staked the Wolverines to a 12-point lead on 6-7 shooting, including four threes. Albrecht, who averaged 1.8 points per game this season, had 17 first-half points and the kicker is that UM coach John Beilein had inserted him into the game for the Naismith Player of the Year, Trey Burke, who had committed two early fouls.

Hancock and Albrecht. For one half, they hijacked the national championship game.

But then, faster than you can say Jimmy Chitwood, Louisville sixth man Luke Hancock buried four consecutive threes to actually give Louisville a 36-35 lead. It was a breathless, effervescent, scorching first half in which both teams shot lights-out (there goes my dome theory) and a pair of unheralded white people gained unexpected fame. All that was left to wonder was which of them Darnell Dockett was tweeting at in hopes of meeting them after the game for some buffalo wings.

3. CBS’ Doug Gottlieb had some terrific insights, but I disagree with the conclusions he drew from them. At halftime he showed that at least three of Albrecht’s four three-pointers came when he was wide open because Lousville was either caught napping in their switches or just didn’t respect his shot. Also, that he’d driven past a former walk-on for his two layups. Gottlieb called Albrecht’s 17 first-half points “fool’s gold”, which seemed rather harsh. Can you imagine him saying the same thing about a starter who’d scored 17 on six of seven shooting in one half? Albrecht still had to bury those four long-range shots, of course, and he still had to drive past a defender and into the lane knowing that Gorgui Dieng was awaiting him.

“No, this was the size of my ego at birth. It’s a lot larger now.”

But, to give Gottlieb credit, Albrecht was held scoreless in the second half.

For me Gottlieb’s wilder conclusion was that Michigan lost the game in the first half by sitting Trey Burke for 12 minutes because he had two fouls. He actually said, “How many fouls did Trey Burke finish with? Two. Great, you saved Trey Burke, but you lost the national championship.”

First of all, Burke would finish the game with four fouls, not two.

Second, if UM coach John Beilein sends Burke back into the game and he picks up a third first-half foul, he gets crucified in the media.

Third, Gottlieb completely discounts the idea that maybe UM had that 12-point lead because Burke’s replacement was playing out of his mind.

Fourth, Louisville came back from 16 down in the second half versus Syracuse, a Final Four squad, just three weeks ago. And won by 17. Nobody beats this Louisville team in the first half. Dumb premise.

Fifth, why not just give Luke Hancock credit for burying four out-of-his-own-mind threes? Does Burke stop them? Maybe. More likely, though, Hancock baits him into a third foul.

Sixth, Michigan’s leading scorer in the second half? Trey Burke, with 17 points. Is he that fresh or does he even see that much time if Beilein plays him more in the first half (and if he picks up a third foul?)?

4. Yesterday came news that Nevada is considering a bill that would allow private entities to place bets on behalf of investors. Translation: If this were to become law, every investment bank and hedge fund could employ a Joey Bag O’Donuts to head their high-risk sports yield division. And, gentlemen, I’m applying for the job. Why should a hedge fund manager waste all those resources hoping for a 6% annual yield when he can just wager against the Houston Lastros most days? In fact, let’s have some fun and begin with an imaginary $1,000. The Lastros, who finished with baseball’s worst record in 2011 and 2012, have now moved to the American League which, I’m sorry, is a tougher place to play (yes, I know about the Giants and Cardinals).

Rick Ankiel homered on Opening Day, but he has struck out 12 times in 14 at-bats this season.

So, if we begin with $1,000 and consider that Houston was 2:1 odds to lose their opener, you’re immediately down $2,000. But the Lastros have since lost six straight. Which means, if you bet $1,000 per game, that you are now up $4,000. So after one week of “shorting the Lastros”, your rate of return is 400%. Eat that, Stephen Cohen. By the way, Houston scored eight runs in its season opener and has scored a total of nine runs in the six games since. They’ve already been shut out three times in seven games.

5. Since Louisville won the men’s basketball championship and tonight’s women’s game is between Connecticut and Louisville, Notre Dame will be able to say that — no matter who wins this evening –that it was the last school to defeat both the men’s and women’s national champions in 2013. The Fighting Irish took down the Cardinals in five overtimes back in February –their final defeat –and on the distaff side defeated both the Cards and Huskies in the Big East tournament. If you’re looking for another connection, the Irish were the last team to defeat UConn on the men’s side two years ago before the Huskies went on a roll to win both the Big East tourney and the national title, just as Louisville did this season. Both Irish teams will attend a screening of Bridesmaids later this week.