Starting Five
1. Honeymoon Over My Hammy
Let’s just begin with the Las Vegas Denny’s that now has a wedding chapel. The service costs $95 but we suggest a gratuity of 15-20%. Top three items from Late Show’s Top 10 list on this: “Number 6, You may now exchange onion rings; No. 4, I will now read a passage from Appetizers; and No. 2, The waiter is in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam.”
Not to be outdone, McDonald’s is introducing Drive-Thru Divorce
2 Black Mamba 47
The Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scores a season-high 47 points in 48 minutes as LA edges the Blazers and soon-to-be Rookie of the Year Damian Lillard (38 points). Kobe is averaging 29.5 points over the Lakers’ last eight games, six of them wins, and in the only game he failed to lead LA in scoring, he recorded a triple-double. LA has Golden State, San Antonio and Houston while Utah has two versus the T-Wolves and one versus Memphis. The Lakers have one less defeat now, but if they finish with the same record, the Jazz earn the eighth spot. LeBron: MOP. Kobe: MVP.
Mamba: For goodness’ snake
3. Is it really Quidditch if nobody can fly? The Quidditch World Cup takes place this weekend in Kissimmee, Fla. and be thankful if your school failed to qualify. Most frequent complaint officials hear? “He muggled me on that play.”
One circle. Many squares.
4. Steve Rushin, doin’ what he was born to do. I particularly enjoyed “a crock of Bulls-Heat.”
Rushin, a.k.a. Sir I Lick Guinness
5. Now That’s What I Call a Gal-lery
Yes, that’s Lindsey Vonn looking all Adele Invergordon (all three “The Legend of Bagger Vance” reading this pat selves on the back) during the opening round of the Masters. You know, it’s funny. Vonn’s boyfriend, Tiger Woods, already has four Masters. When will he go for his PhD?
Lindsey
Adele/Charlize
Reserves
Cub prospect Jorge Soler reportedly rushes the opposing dugout wielding a baseball bat. Cub GM Theo Epstein deals him to Lt. Aldo Raine of “the Basterds.”
Your team has won one world championship in the 21st century. Your owner during at least part of that time may be the most bombastic in the sport. Your best player was born outside of the United States. And your team suddenly looks old and not playoff-bound. You are the New York Yankees. Or the Dallas Mavericks.
Fenway Park fails to sell out for the first time in nearly 10 years.
Chances that “Accidental Racist” makes it on to the soundtrack of “42?”
Remote Patrol
The Masters, Opening Round
The Golf Channel, 7:30 p.m.
ESPN 8 p.m.
It’s not live coverage, but it’s still Augusta. Scott Van Pelt and Andy North are your stewards. Tom Rinaldi will interview Bubba Watson in an attempt to set a new world-record in on-air tears.