Starting Five

1. UConn’s Icon

That’s eight national championships for Luigi “Geno” Auriemma and Connecticut. In some ways this was the most incredible job Geno has done. The Huskies were just 5-3 between February 18 and the start of the NCAA tourney, although those three losses were to Baylor and Notre Dame. Know this: Geno opened up cases of whupass between the end of the Big East tourney and the launch of the NCAAs, and Gampel Pavilion was likely not a very happy place those first two weeks of March.

The product? Connecticut won its six NCAA tournament games by an AVERAGE margin of 34.67 points: 68, 33, 26, 30, 18 and 33. The Huskies blew out Louisville, with Rick Pitino seated in the stands and looking in dire need of a refreshing can of True Blood,  by a record-33 points in last night’s final. UConn went on a 19-0 run in the first half and a 24-6 run in the second. Dominant.

Kudos to Geno, who joined the ESPN on-site desk and was asked by a panel of Kevin Ngandi, Kara Lawson and Carolyn Peck to discuss his place alongside John Wooden (10 titles), Pat Summitt (8), Mike Krzyzewski and Adolph Rupp (4), for two things: 1) for correctly noting that he and Pat belong in one category and that the aforementioned men’s coaches belong in another and 2) for not saying, “I’m just here to add diversity.” (although he’s such a wiseass that I wouldn’t be surprised if the thought had crossed his mind).

2. Dortmund? Yes, Dortmund!

Let’s set the stage: Champions League quarterfinal, in Dortmund, Germany. Borussia Dortmund (northeast Germany) hosts Malaga (on the Andalusian coast, a.k.a. southern Spain). The squads play a home-and-home series, with the winner decided on aggregate goals. The first match, in Malaga, had ended 0-0, which meant that all Malaga had to do was score one goal and finish in a draw and they would advance (in case of the two squads being tied in goals after both matches, the winner is whichever side scores more “a

way” goals). In the 82nd minute, Malaga takes a 2-1 lead on a controversial goal by Eliseu, who appeared slightly offsides.

 

At the end of 90 minutes, it remained 2-1 Malaga. All the visitors had to do in three or four minutes of stoppage time was hold their hosts to one goal. They did not. Dortmund scored twice in the final four minutes of play in front of their home fans to win 3-2 and advance to the Champions League semi-finals. Easily the most dramatic finish to a soccer game since Manchester City erased a 2-1 deficit in the final 125 seconds of stoppage time last May versus Queens Park Rangers to avoid an epic choke job and win the Premier League title, their first in four decades.

Right now Adam Duerson is nodding his head and saying, “That’s my boy.”

3. Game of Thrones: (I know it was three nights ago; give a blogger a break) The View comes to Westeros.

 Theon actually had a choice between having his left foot mangled or having to listen to Lady Stark’s soliloquy to her daughter-in-law, Talisa Love-Hewitt (granted, my construction), on an endless loop. He chose the former. Wise man…My favorite scene occurred between Joffrey the Cruel (great ancestor of Johnny the jerk from the Kobra Kai martial arts studio) and Margaery of The Fairest Rack, when she realizes that her future betrothed is not so much into either women or men as he is into sadism. She’s a wise lass, that one. And how about that line, played out to a 2013 audience: “I imagine it must be so exciting to squeeze your finger here and watch someone die over there.” After that moment Wayne LaPierre excused himself and headed to the bathroom…Also, yes, that was the kid who played Liam Neeson’s son in “Love, Actually” befriending “Bran, the Illegitimate Son of Steve Perry”. Meanwhile, there are cats who are jealous of how many lives Arrya seems to get. As for Brienne and Kingslayer, shouldn’t Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro sue for royalties? This is “Medieval Midnight Run”. Then again, I keep hoping they emerge from a wooded area to happen upon a Lilith Fair show.

Duerson is now nodding more proudly and beginning to wonder whether I’m considering a move to Brooklyn and entering a competitive eating contest (no on both)

4. April Beard Report, Before and After:

Stan Rizzo, Mad Men:

 

And after…

 

Josh Reddick, Oakland A’s

 

…and now with the A’s

 Kevin Youkilis, New York Yankees

 

and now in the Bronx

 

 

And finally, Jaime Lannister (a.k.a. Kingslayer)

 

 

and after…

5. This interview with Lindsay Lohan is why David Letterman remains the best at what he does. And the only host of consequence since Johnny Carson. Dave: “We’ve been here 30 years and there are still people here whose names I don’t know.” LL: “You don’t mean that.” Dave: “You’re right, I don’t mean it. It’s true, but I don’t mean it.” Lindsay herself was pretty charming, too.

Reserves

Remember when I dissed the Lastros? Houston scored 17 runs in their first seven games. Then they plated 16 men last night in Seattle. In my imaginary Lastros Hedge fund, I actually (I swear!) took the Lastros to win, so I’m now up about $6K. Tonight I’ll take them to lose in Seattle. We may make this a “thing” on IAH. Still considering…

The Lakers defeat the Hornets and the Jazz lose to the Thunder, and David Stern, who is visiting India this week, exhales. LA now holds the 8th and final spot out West in the battle to be hoobaspanked by the Spurs or OKC in the first round.

Tonight on ESPNU: The NCAA Diving Championships! It’s like “Splash!” without the alarming dearth of diving talent.

Former Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson at Comerica Park. As someone on Twitter opined, “He should’ve tucked the ball and ran.”

Yes, some 81,000 people attended Met Life Stadium last weekend for WrestleMania 29. And The Onion with some terrific reportage on inconsistent officiating. So Ed Rush found a new job and pronto.

The first paragraph of this story on a survey of hedge fund professionals tells me one thing: between 64-65% of them are lying. Meanwhile, how many fans of either horticulture or the Georgia Bulldogs are feeling sheepish about having purchased a subscription to Hedgeworld?

What was the best zinger from last Friday’s Friars Club roast of Jack Black? I’ll let you decide, but my favorite comes from Jeffery Ross: “Dee Snider, Debbie Harry, Joan Osborne. Last time I saw these three musicians together was in a $1 CD bin.”

Remote Patrol

Torture Porn Night!!!!

Saw, TMC, 7 p.m.

Hostel, IFC, 8 p.m.

Remember that glorious time about a decade ago when kids would flock to theaters to watch teens and young adults be dismembered or disemboweled? I think “Hostel” was the worst thing to happen to tourism in Europe since the SS. Then again, Inglourious Basterds (TNT, 5:30 p.m.) is on tonight. I’ll stop short of calling it a classic, but I’ll say this: 1) the opening scene, the strudel scene and the bar scene are all mesmerizing, and 2) Diane Kruger is as underrated a beauty as there is.

xxx