by John Walters

A Medium Happy 158th to Teddy Roosevelt, a well-to-do native New Yorker who fought in a war and cherished the environment

Starting Five

Zobrist already has 5 hits in the Fall Classic, two for extra bases

Ben There, Done That

Theo Epstein and his staff rightly deserves credit for making terrific draft picks since arriving in 2011 (e.g., Kris Bryant and Kyle Schwarber), but the Cubs’ best player through two games of the World Series has been an easy and obvious choice: free agent pick-up Ben Zobrist. The 6’3″ left fielder, who hit .303 last postseason while helping the K.C. Royals to the championship, has five hits through two games, including a double and a triple, for the Cubs.

Kyle Schwarber is the more intriguing story, and Jake Arrieta threw five innings of no-hit ball last night, but Zobrist, batting clean-up, has been a very tough out.

2. Educational Ladder

In China, students in a cliffside village had to descend a series of vines to get to school each day, but now locals have constructed a ladder made of steel (“steel from CHINA!”) for them. So no more bitching about how you had to walk two miles uphill through the snow…

Taking “No Child Left Behind” to absurd lengths…

And yet, can you not see how students who grow up in an environment like this are most likely going to be tougher, more resilient adults than the juice-box, participation-trophy pansies we’re raising? Yeah, I said it. But it’s true.

3. Put The Biscuit In the Basket

Davis became the first player to score 50 points in a season opener since a more celebrated “23” once did

Notable scorers from the NBA’s first true coast-to-coast night of the season…

Joel Embiid, Philly, 20 points in his debut. Loss.

Jordan Clarkson, Lakers, 25 points in 25 minutes. Win.

Russell Westbrook, OKC, 32 points. Win.

Ejected

James Harden, Houston, 34 points. Loss.

DeMar DeRozan, Toronto. 40 points. Win.

Anthony Davis. NOLA. 50 points. Loss.

4. Coach of Top Running Team Walking Away

Heins is in his 10th season at NAU

Eric Heins is just 39 and the men’s cross-country coach at Northern Arizona University, which is ranked No. 1 nationally (shhhh, Flagstaff, Arizona, a great place to live, but SHHH, tell no one) and unanimously .

Kaci is a total space camp nerd….

But, after the season, win or lose, Heins is stepping down from the job. Why? His wife got a great job offer in another city. Kaci Heins, a middle school science teacher, has been offered the job of education supervisor at the Space Center Houston. Kaci is a former Arizona Middle School Science Teacher of the Year. Pretty impressive all around.

5. O What An Error

Not completely free of blame, but not as horrific as you thought

French-Canadian flight attendant Gaetan Dugas has long been known as “Patient Zero” in the AIDS epidemic, and was basically blamed for copulating and populating the disease all over the United States. Dugas, who was quite the swordsman, was blamed for infecting hundreds of men who infected others and so and so on until half a million Americans died.

Now comes research that the disease had arrived on U.S. soil at least 10 years before Dugas, who died in 1984, did. Further study shows that Dugas was originally classified as “Patient O” for “Outside the U.S.” as opposed to “Patient 0”, which is different.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Dugas’ blood type had been “Type-O Negative?” ( <–See what I did there?)

Music 101

Le Freak

Exactly how disco was this No. hit by Chic? It was inspired by bassist Bernard Edwards being refused entrance into Studio 54 on New Year’s Even 1977. He had been invited to the NYC club by Grace Jones, who forgot to tell the doormen that she wanted him on the VIP list. “Freak Out” was a euphemism for another two-word epithet. The song went to No. 1 in five different countries in 1979, including the USA.

Remote Patrol

Meet The Hitlers

TMC 10:05 p.m.

This is a real thing: a 90-minute doc examining people whose last name is Hitler. From 2014.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 71st to Jaclyn Smith, a.k.a. “Kelly” from Charlie’s Angels

Starting Five

Assault by battery: Perez and Kluber combined for 6 shutout innings, 15 strikeouts and two home runs

Whiff Series

Three Cleveland pitchers—Corey Kluber, Andrew Miller and Cody Allen—combined for 15 strikeouts as the Tribe took Game 1, 6-0. Things to ponder: 1) the Cubs, the third-most prolific offense in all of baseball this season behind the Red Sox and Rockies, have been shut out in three of their past six games, 2) Tribe catcher Roberto Perez, the 9th hitter in the order, hit two bombs (for 4 RBI); no 9th hitter had ever hit two home runs in a World Series game before that, 3) Kluber struck out eight in the first three innings, also a World Series first, 4) the Tribe are now 61-0 this season when they grab a lead of three runs or more, 5) Terry Francona is 9-0 as a manager in World Series games, and 6) John Smoltz did an excellent job; Harold Reynolds ain’t coming back to a World Series booth.

2. Fault Lines

Both the Dubs and KD are riding four-game losing streaks at the moment

The Golden State Warriors, who won their first 24 games last season and did not lose a home game until April 1st, were blown out at Oracle (in front of Queen Bae and that dude she’s been hanging out with) last night by 29 by the Spurs.

Reason to worry? Yeah, a little. It’s not so much the addition of future HOF’er Kevin Durant that is the problem, it’s the subtraction of big men Andrew Bogut and Marrese Speights. The Dubs are gonna score, but are they gonna defend or rebound this year? San Antonio out rebounded them 55-35, which is kind of significant. Watch them make a midseason trade for a big at some point.

The Dubs looked lost, but “Inside the NBA” was in midseason form with their riff on a Portland fan their cameras uncovered

Yes, it was only one game, but Klay Thompson did not look very happy the entire night. He took the fewest shots of GSW’s big four and wound up with the fewest points: 11. Keep an eye on the Klay Happiness meter, and I’ll say it now: I bet there’s a coach in Los Angeles who would love to have him.

Keep an eye on Spurs’ second-year swing man Jonathon Simmons. Former D-Leaguer scored 20 points in just 28 minutes and had a LeBronian block on a Steph Curry breakaway in the third quarter.

Finally, Kawhi Leonard MVP alert. In his first game since Tim Duncan’s retirement, Leonard scored a career-high 35 and also had 5 rebounds and 5 steals.

Finally FINALLY, if you follow me on Twitter, you know I was never in favor of KD going to GSW: bad for both teams and, I believe, ultimately bad for him. He had a better situation in OKC and that decision was made too soon after season’s end.

3. “She Turned Me Into A Newt”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMlC0-Ut8Ng

If you have yet to see Megyn Kelly versus Newt Gingrich, you should watch. “I think your defensiveness on this may speak volumes, sir.” ROASTED!

.@MegynKelly made a total fool out of herself tonight- attacking @realDonaldTrump

And as for Dan Scavino, Jr.,’s question, I think Kelly could go to any network that ponies up enough cash. She’s taken her stand this election, and it’s sort of a shame none of her FOX colleagues came to her defense. Considering her ex-boss, Roger Ailes, was being sued for sexual harassment with nearly as many accusers as Donald has, maybe we shouldn’t have been that surprised.

4. When They Go High, We Go Jadlow

Jadlow played at IU in the late Eighties

Former Indiana Hoosier Todd Jadlow penned a memoir, Jadlow: On The Rebound, about his overcoming drug and alcohol addiction, but also dropped in a few spicy anecdotes about playing for Bob Knight, one of which included the legendary coach grabbing players’ testicles (not in a sexual manner, but to see how tough they were?). Anyway, recall that Knight has stumped for Trump, and cue that Hoosier hysteria.

5. Don’t Stand, Don’t Stand So, Don’t Stand So Close To Me

McKenna

Scottsdale Chaparral High School is filled with the well-to-do and the glamorous: alums include Paul Konerko, Taylor Lewan, Darrell Bevell (the Seahawk coach who called for the pass in SB 49), actress Busy Phillips and Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight series. Two years ago Newsweek rated it the No. 1 high school in Arizona.

Last month the school’s track coach, Chris McKenna, 38, a former “Teacher of the Year,” was sentenced to 10 years in prison for having sex with a student. The student attended a different high school, but McKenna had met her at a meet. Worse, after the relationship was discovered and he was first arrested, McKenna continued meeting the 17 year-old, buying them both disposable phones and meeting her in parking lots while wearing an ankle bracelet.

McKenna was (is still?) married and the relationship lasted 6 to 9 months.

An aside: the judge in the case, Chris Coury, attended high school with me and was a year or two behind me in the same dorm at the same college. I don’t know if he will play himself in the inevitable Lifetime movie.

Music 101

Lucille

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SDVkdcO8ts

No, this song is not a tribute to a bat wrapped with barbed wire. This was the song that brought country star Kenny Rogers into the mainstream and made him an international success (the song went to No. 1 in the UK), even though younger folks may think it was “The Gambler.” This tune was a staple of AM radio in early 1977, hitting No. 5 on the Billboard charts. I’ll admit that as a kid I thought he was singing “with four hundred children,” which made me wonder a little about farm folk.

Remote Patrol

Thunder at Sixers

ESPN 8 p.m.

Keep an eye on 6’10” Philly rookie Dario Saric out of Croatia

Yeah, yeah, Game 2 of the World Series (first pitch at 7:08 p.m.) is a must-watch, but this one intrigues me. The Sixers will unveil Joel Embiid after his red-shirt year, while Russell Westbrook cannot wait to show off now that Kevin Durant has departed. I think he’ll go for 40, especially since Philly could be starting two rookies and guard Jerryd Bayless is injured. Also hurt: Ben Simmons and Nerlens Noel. Finally, I’m curious to see Domantas Sabonis’ rookie debut for OKC.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 32nd to Katy Perry…..

Starting Five

There is no room for failure with these Warriors. A 70-win season and a championship is expected.

1. Return of the NBA

They’re baaaaaack.

The Golden State Warriors enter the season with a three-game losing streak and two former MVPs (Stephen Curry, Kevin Durant) in their starting five. The last time one team had two former MVPs on the roster was a few years back when the Lakers had both Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash, but both were in their twilight years. Curry and Durant remain in their primes.

This two-MVP experiment in California was a mistake

The Spurs, who visit Golden State tonight, return for the first time this century without Tim Duncan (who never won an MVP award) (<–Medium Happy regrets the error, as well as the era) on their roster.

Breakout All-Star this season? Second-year Suns guard Devin Booker, who was No. 5 in scoring in the preseason behind established studs DeMar DeRozan, Durant, James Harden and Curry.

The Suns’ 6’6″ 2nd-year guard out of Kentucky will be an All-Star this season. Book(er) it.

Will the Warriors and Cavs meet for a third consecutive time in the NBA Finals? Barring injury, yes.

2. Legends of the Fall League

Schwarber getting his Eddie Vedder on in Arizona

In Mesa and Scottsdale, Arizona, yesterday, not more than six miles apart, you could have spent a total of $16 to see Kyle Schwarber and Tim Tebow play baseball. The former may have earned a World Series ring a week from now; the latter is doing a good job, but is not a Major Leaguer. Last night the former Heisman Trophy winner went 0-4 and is now 2 for 24, or batting .083.

3. He’s No Don Rickles

Yesterday The New York Times printed a two-page spread of the 281 people, places and things that Donald Trump has insulted via Twitter during his campaign. When he goes low…

4. Dead Or Alive Singer Dead Not Alive

Burns was 57

The lead singer of Eighties New Wave act Dead Or Alive (“You spin me right round, baby, right round/Like a record, baby, right round right round“), Peter Burns, has died. A true eccentric, Burns was first married to a woman, then married to a man, and claimed that he was “addicted to cosmetic surgery.” ( <–Look out, Joe Buck), as he had as many as 300 procedures done, mainly on his face. The only thing not eccentric about Peter Burns was his name.

5. Taylor In Texas

Did you really think we were not going to mention that Taylor Swift played her one and only concert of 2016 last weekend in Austin, Texas? The former better half of HiddleSwift played before an estimated 80,000 fans at a motor speedway and for the first time played the song that she helped write, uncredited, for ex-beau Calvin Harris, “This Is What You Came For.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tscUgyW1WQQ

Here’s hoping she makes an appearance at the CMAs next week. They’re family, after all, and she needs a little home cookin’.

Music 101

After The Rain

God bless Nelson. No, I mean it. If you’re going to marry Late Eighties L.A. Hair Metal with a cheesy, blond version of Extreme, then go for it all the way. Matthew and Gunnar, twin sons of the legendary teen idol Ricky Nelson, went beyond Wilson Phillips in the early Nineties as scions with a taste for an MTV-ready hit. I’ll never blame them, and I think they had to be at least 60% of the inspiration for Wayne’s World.

Remote Patrol

World Series, Game 1

FOX 8 p.m.

It’s here. The Indians last won a World Series in 1948. The Cubs last played in a World Series in 1945. When the Cubs won the World Series, baseball had three teams in New York, two each in Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago and St. Louis, and none west of that last city. And 16 teams overall.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 30th to Aubrey Graham, a.k.a. Drake

Starting Five

Pumpkins Patch

Parody is easy; comedy is hard.

As popular and funny as sketches such as “Black Jeopardy” or the cold open Third Debate may be, true genius is found when you create laughter out of nowhere. In the glorious tradition of one-off skits such as “More Cowbell” and “Two Wild & Crazy Guys” ( <– Yes, I know; save the comment) came “Haunted Elevator” or as it will likely be remembered, “David Pumpkins.”

Tom Hanks, a goofy suit, a solid premise and two beat-boy skeleton dancers. When Kate McKinnon is in your skit and she’s the least memorable character in it, you’re doing something right.

Special props to you if you noticed that, immediately after this sketch and a commercial, SNL returned with a performance by Lady Gaga in which she also gyrated weirdly and was flanked by two dancers. Any questions?

Also, if you missed the faux-promo for “Broken,” the new CBS comedy, that was pretty darn on-target.

2. Block to the Future

Haley raced downfield after scooping up the blocked kick as if he were something streaking across the night sky, what exactly I don’t know.

The first truly memorable play of the college football season. Late in the fourth quarter at Penn State, Ohio State leads 21-17. After a Buckeye third-down pass falls incomplete (nearly intercepted by the Nittany Lions, which would have been worse for them), Urban Meyer sends on his field goal team.

Bad move. In the grand tradition of Nick Saban in 2013 and Jimbo Fisher a year ago, an unbeaten team lost its virginity off a late field-goal attempt of farther than 40 yards. Penn State’s Marcus Allen (officially the second-greatest player to have that name in college football lore) soared high to block the kick of Tyler Durbin and Grant Haley scooped it up and ran to the opposite end zone for what turned out to be the winning score.

For Happy Valley: the first memorable moment on this field since Joe Paterno recorded his final victory nearly five years ago (it would go downhill and sharply one week later). For Ohio State: Not as devastating as you might think. Though no longer unbeaten, the Buckeyes still host a Michigan team that should be unbeaten in late November. Beat them and win the B1G Championship Game, and it still looks fairly bright (as opposed to Rosy) for them.

3. Running Wild

The DTrain will be arriving on time….

The Penn State-Ohio State finish overshadowed a trio of incredible rushing performances and a pair of wild games. At the Rose Bowl Utah’s Joe Williams, who retired after the second game of this season and returned last week (after the coaches begged him to return and his fiancee gave her blessing) galloped for 332 yards in a 52-45 defeat of the Bruins (Pac-12 Before Dark).

In Baton Rouge LSU’s Leonard Fournette, who took about three games off himself to heal a bum ankle, ran for 284 yards on only 16 carries against Mississippi and trucked a hapless Rebel. And in Lubbock, Oklahoma’s Joe Mixon ran for 263 yards in the Sooners’ 66-59 win against the Red Raiders.

We interrupt this offense-heavy item for some Jonathan Allen defense…

Wild scores? Cal beat Oregon in double OT, 52-49, as they topped the 90-point over. And that 66-59 outing in Lubbock had an NCAA-record 1,708 combined yards as both teams gained exactly the same amount: 854.

Elsewhere: Tom Herman has now lost to both SMU and Navy this month, Kirk Ferentz apparently forgot that he could go for two against Wisconsin, Louisville led 44-0 at the half against an N.C. State team that basically but for a shanked FG beat Clemson in Death Valley the week before, and Michigan State, Notre Dame and Oregon are all 2-5.

4. The Walking Dead Goes Inglourious Basterds

Negan: Designated hitter

Meanwhile in the post-apocalyptic world of The Walking Dead, Jeffrey D. Morgan as Negan went all “the Bear Jew” on two of Sheriff Rick’s favorite lieutenants. The season premiere was particularly gruesome and gratuitous and yeah, it sort of forced you to come to the reckoning that life is not civil in a post-apocalyptic world (as we may learn in three weeks), so if you’re going to go along for the ride, you can’t suddenly brush your hankie to your face and moan, “I do declare!”

So, yeah, it was brutal. And Glenn needed to die because none of us were buying that he survived the dumpster dive two seasons ago, anyway. And Negan is a compelling character. Meanwhile, I can’t help but think that the producers let Carl keep his left arm because it would be too expensive to green-screen that limb for the remainder of the series.

5. The End of the Tour Bus

Just outside Palm Springs on I-10, 13 people died early Sunday morning when a tour bus en route from a casino back to Los Angeles slammed into the back of a semi. You have to wonder just what was up with the driver, who died, if a bus is going so fast that 13 people die when it rear-ends an 18-wheeler.

Music 101

My Love

You have to wonder, had the Beatles never existed, how highly Paul McCartney and Wings would be regarded on their own merit. The cute Beatle far and away had the best post-Fab Four career and wrote the most hits. Dude, take a few years off, you just spent a decade as part of the biggest pop culture phenomenon since Shakespeare. Anyway, this 1973 ballad hit No. 1 both on the Billboard Hot 100 and the Adult Contemporary chart. You can hear why.

Remote Patrol

Horror of Dracula

TCM 8 p.m.

Bat’s Entertainment

It’s Dracula night at Turner Classic Movies, and this 1958 film stars the best Prince of Darkness of them all: Christopher Lee.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy 60th to Carrie Fisher. May the farce be with you.

Starting Five

Remark-Able

Just one night after their honeymoon in Vegas, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump shared a dais at the Waldorf Astoria in New York City (just a few blocks from Trump’s home) for the Alfred E. Smith Dinner for Catholic charities (I know they fly private jets, but I’d never get used to flying as much as these people do).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oniAhOcxGxk

Worth paying attention to: 1) the last :90 or so of Clinton’s speech 2) her easier manner with self-deprecating humor 3) the fact that Trump, as in the debates, does okay in the first half and then has a meltdown in the latter half; he should have cut it after the Melania/Michelle joke, which was the best joke, the best.

2. Best Baez

Baez was selected 9th in the 2011 MLB draft; Indian shortstop Francisco Lindor was taken 8th

Did you see Cub 2nd baseman Javy Baez’s defensive gem in the bottom of the 7th inning to rob Adrian Gonzalez of a leadoff bunt single? Baez raced in from Silverlake to field that ball and throw out Gonzalez. He was the game’s Best Baez, as Dodger reliever Pedro Baez surrendered five runs in the top of the eighth to put the game out of reach. Cubbies up 3-2 as we head back to Wrigley.

This is Eddie Gaedel-at-bat level surreal….

Also, about Jon Lester’s masterful pitching despite an inability to throw over to first base: say the Cubs win and he starts Game 1 of the World Series on Tuesday. His little mental hiccup doesn’t hurt him versus the Dodgers, who were 26th in stolen bases this season. But against the Indians, who were 4th in stolen bases, Lester’s aversion to tossing over to first is going to cost the Cubs dearly.

3. Blue BaYoU

Brett Rypien threw three touchdowns and two pick-sixes. Boise State committed five turnovers and still somehow won.

In a game that kicked off at 10:15 EST, Boise State outlasted BYU 28-27. The Broncos are now 7-0 while the Cougars have lost four games by a total of eight points. Boise State should finish 12-0, but this does not feel like one of their Kellen Moore-level teams. I see a New Year’s Six Bowl in their future, but not a playoff berth. Just wondering if the SelCom will again put them in CFB apartheid by pairing them up with a potentially undefeated Baylor or Western Michigan.

4. Life’s Funny That Way

That’s Belichick in orange in the second row, next to Vinny Testaverde. Saban’s right behind him, in the last row. Also on that staff: Kirk Ferentz

Quick, who’s the best coach in college football? Gotta be Nick Saban, right? He’s won five national championships in the past 13 years and looks headed to his sixth.

Quick, who’s the best coach in the NFL? Gotta be Bill Belichick, right? He’s won four Super Bowls in the past 15 years and may be headed for a fifth.

Quick, who’s the worst team in the NFL and has been for the past decade? Gotta be the Cleveland Browns, right? They’re 0-6 right now and they’ve only had one winning season since 2003.

Just a reminder that between 1991 and 1994, Belichick was the head coach of the Browns and Saban his defensive coordinator. Saban would leave to coach Michigan State and Belichick would remain one more year before being fired on Valentine’s Day, 1996.

You never know….And, it’s okay to fail. It’s what you do after you fail that matters.

5. Sing Street

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_YqJ_aimkM

After he retired from kicking field goals for Notre Dame and a slew of NFL teams, John Carney became a fantastic film writer and director (wait, you’re telling me it’s not the same one?). If you didn’t see Once, stop reading this right now and find a way to see it. Now Carney is back in Ireland and is back dealing with lovelorn musicians in a movie that is more John Hughes.

This is Sing Street, an ode to Eighties New Wave and a young boy who starts a band in order to get the girl. And Lord Petyr Baelish plays the dad, so you cannot go wrong.

Music 101

Joy To The World

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp7KfG9AjaY

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog/Was a good friend of mine…” You can’t write opening lines like that stone-cold sober, can you? Three Dog Night had a MASSIVE hit with this peace and love anthem in 1971. It was the number one pop single overall that year and sold more than 500 units.

Remote Patrol

Saturday

No. 6 Texas A&M  at No. 1 Alabama

CBS 3:30 p.m.

This will be Peak Uncle Verne & Gary, and probably the last game they do together featuring a No. 1 facing a fellow Top 10 team. Love this duo, my favorite in college football. Can anyone topple the Tide? Probably not, but the Aggies have had a week’s rest and Trevor Knight has some serious wheels to go with that arm.