by John Walters

Starting Five

Pumpkins Patch

Parody is easy; comedy is hard.

As popular and funny as sketches such as “Black Jeopardy” or the cold open Third Debate may be, true genius is found when you create laughter out of nowhere. In the glorious tradition of one-off skits such as “More Cowbell” and “Two Wild & Crazy Guys” ( <– Yes, I know; save the comment) came “Haunted Elevator” or as it will likely be remembered, “David Pumpkins.”

Tom Hanks, a goofy suit, a solid premise and two beat-boy skeleton dancers. When Kate McKinnon is in your skit and she’s the least memorable character in it, you’re doing something right.

Special props to you if you noticed that, immediately after this sketch and a commercial, SNL returned with a performance by Lady Gaga in which she also gyrated weirdly and was flanked by two dancers. Any questions?

Also, if you missed the faux-promo for “Broken,” the new CBS comedy, that was pretty darn on-target.

2. Block to the Future

The first truly memorable play of the college football season. Late in the fourth quarter at Penn State, Ohio State leads 21-17. After a Buckeye third-down pass falls incomplete (nearly intercepted by the Nittany Lions, which would have been worse for them), Urban Meyer sends on his field goal team.

Bad move. In the grand tradition of Nick Saban in 2013 and Jimbo Fisher a year ago, an unbeaten team lost its virginity off a late field-goal attempt of farther than 40 yards. Penn State’s Marcus Allen (officially the second-greatest player to have that name in college football lore) soared high to block the kick of Tyler Durbin and Grant Haley scooped it up and ran to the opposite end zone for what turned out to be the winning score.

For Happy Valley: the first memorable moment on this field since Joe Paterno recorded his final victory nearly five years ago (it would go downhill and sharply one week later). For Ohio State: Not as devastating as you might think. Though no longer unbeaten, the Buckeyes still host a Michigan team that should be unbeaten in late November. Beat them and win the B1G Championship Game, and it still looks fairly bright (as opposed to Rosy) for them.

3. Running Wild

The Penn State-Ohio State finish overshadowed a trio of incredible rushing performances and a pair of wild games. At the Rose Bowl Utah’s Joe Williams, who retired after the second game of this season and returned last week (after the coaches begged him to return and his fiancee gave her blessing) galloped for 332 yards in a 52-45 defeat of the Bruins (Pac-12 Before Dark).

In Baton Rouge LSU’s Leonard Fournette, who took about three games off himself to heal a bum ankle, ran for 284 yards on only 16 carries against Mississippi and trucked a hapless Rebel. And in Lubbock, Oklahoma’s Joe Mixon ran for 263 yards in the Sooners’ 66-59 win against the Red Raiders.

We interrupt this offense-heavy item for some Jonathan Allen defense…

Wild scores? Cal beat Oregon in double OT, 52-49, as they topped the 90-point over. And that 66-59 outing in Lubbock had an NCAA-record 1,708 combined yards as both teams gained exactly the same amount: 854.

Elsewhere: Tom Herman has now lost to both SMU and Navy this month, Kirk Ferentz apparently forgot that he could go for two against Wisconsin, Louisville led 44-0 at the half against an N.C. State team that basically but for a shanked FG beat Clemson in Death Valley the week before, and Michigan State, Notre Dame and Oregon are all 2-5.

4. The Walking Dead Goes Inglourious Basterds

Meanwhile in the post-apocalyptic world of The Walking Dead, Jeffrey D. Morgan as Negan went all “the Bear Jew” on two of Sheriff Rick’s favorite lieutenants. The season premiere was particularly gruesome and gratuitous and yeah, it sort of forced you to come to the reckoning that life is not civil in a post-apocalyptic world (as we may learn in three weeks), so if you’re going to go along for the ride, you can’t suddenly brush your hankie to your face and moan, “I do declare!”

So, yeah, it was brutal. And Glenn needed to die because none of us were buying that he survived the dumpster dive two seasons ago, anyway. And Negan is a compelling character. Meanwhile, I can’t help but think that the producers let Carl keep his left arm because it would be too expensive to green-screen that limb for the remainder of the series.

5. The End of the Tour Bus

Just outside Palm Springs on I-10, 13 people died early Sunday morning when a tour bus en route from a casino back to Los Angeles slammed into the back of a semi. You have to wonder just what was up with the driver, who died, if a bus is going so fast that 13 people die when it rear-ends an 18-wheeler.

Music 101

My Love

 

You have to wonder, had the Beatles never existed, how highly Paul McCartney and Wings would be regarded on their own merit. The cute Beatle far and away had the best post-Fab Four career and wrote the most hits. Dude, take a few years off, you just spent a decade as part of the biggest pop culture phenomenon since Shakespeare. Anyway, this 1973 ballad hit No. 1 both on the Billboard Hot 100 and the Adult Contemporary chart. You can hear why.

Remote Patrol

Horror of Dracula

TCM 8 p.m.

It’s Dracula night at Turner Classic Movies, and this 1958 film stars the best Prince of Darkness of them all: Christopher Lee.