by John Walters
Starting Five
Messi-anic*
*The judges will not accept “Lionel Trains”
In FC Barcelona’s Champions League opener, Lionel Messi (Did you just call him the greatest footballer of all time??? Okay, he’s in the top 3, at worst) scored three goals as the Spanish club took down PSV Eindhoven (Dutch), 4-0. It was Messi’s eighth career hat trick in Champions League play, putting him alone for the most hat tricks in this annual tournament.
Messi had been tied with Cristiano Ronaldo, who’s also in that Top 3 conversation (along with Pele).
2. Brought To You By The Letter “G” *
*for “gregarious,” of course
We don’t care what the nature of Bert and Ernie’s relationship is, we just are curious as to why one of them has a unibrow and the other has none. It’s as if they’re the Anthony Davis and Charlie Villanueva of PBS.
Meanwhile, as someone astutely uttered on the Twitter yesterday, “Their relationship has always been much healthier than Kermit’s and Piggy’s.”
After all, they DO attend the theater a lot
Moving on to Statler and Waldorf…
3. Tragedy In Ames
Some stories are just too bizarre and sad: 22 year-old Iowa State golfer Celia Barquin Arozamena, the reigning Big 12 champion, was attacked and fatally stabbed while playing a round alone in Ames Monday morning. The assailant: a homeless man of the same age who had told an acquaintance that he had “an urge to rape and kill a woman.” The suspect lived in a homeless encampment not far from the Goldwater Golf Links course where she was playing.
Arozamena was set to be honored during Saturday’s Iowa State football game for being the school”s female athlete of the year. It’s the second fatal stabbing of a female college student in Iowa this summer, but since this time the assailant is a white American male and the victim is of Hispanic heritage (as opposed to the last time, when the identifying traits were reversed), you probably will not hear any national GOP figures exploiting the tragedy for political capital.
4. What’s Missing In This Story…
We finally got around to reading this story in the June issue of Runner’s World titled “The Running Safari.” In it the author, Tom Downey, is given the opportunity to go on recreational runs inside a private game reserve in Tanzania.
At first we thought, How cool. Then he informs us that as he’s running he has a guide in a follow vehicle. Later he spends three or four grafs explaining how running is prohibited at most safari spots because wild animals being wild animals, you know, they see a weaker creature running, and they might just give chase or be alarmed, etc. But then Tom continues that as a travel writer and runner he has a near visceral need to explore new places on foot, running (something we get, as do we) and so apparently his urges are more important than the animals’ (something we don’t get).
Two trunks, one animal
Lastly, Downey explains that this private game reserve “has the resources and knowledge to protect me, and provide a safari vehicle, guide and scout, who will follow behind me and scan the horizon for any danger.”
And when we read that line, here was our first thought: We’re not concerned about YOU, Tom. We’re concerned about the animals. Left untyped in Tom’s piece is any mention of what would have happened if an elephant or hyena or any other wild creature had surprised Tom or the guide before they had time to get him into the vehicle. Also left untyped: Who paid for this extravagant story?
What might have been a tale about the magnificence of the wild came off, at least to this writer and runner, as one man’s selfish urge to check off a bucket-list item, no matter the inconvenience to or danger in which he was putting that land’s inhabitants, the animals.
At least he didn’t bring a rifle. Thank God for small favors.
5. Oh No It Doesn’t
Brett Kavanaugh talking about his high school in 2015: “What happens at Georgetown Prep, stays at Georgetown Prep.”
I can’t imagine any parent accepting this view. Is this really what America wants in its next Supreme Court Justice? pic.twitter.com/WhL8YeZQ78
— Elizabeth Warren (@SenWarren) September 18, 2018
This 2015 joke has not aged well, Judge Kavanaugh. Last night former White House spin wizard Ari Fleischer went kindergarten logic (“He’s doing it, too!”) on the Kavanaugh confirmation kerfuffle, tweeting:
“In 2009, massage therapist Molly Hagerty went to the Portland, Ore., Police and gave a lengthy statement claiming that about 3 yrs earlier, former vice president Al Gore “pinned her to a bed in his hotel suite, forcibly French kissed her, and groped her” https://t.co/uh9j9JnpV4
— Ari Fleischer (@AriFleischer) September 18, 2018
And that’s useful information if Al Gore ever seeks public office again. Or is nominated to a judicial position. Like Kavanaugh, he was never charged with a crime (for reasons you can research yourself).
We do agree with Fleischer on this statement, which he uttered on Fox News:
“There’s a bigger ethical issue I want to get to here, too. And I want to say this with a lot of sensitivity because these are sensitive issues. But high school behavior — how much in society should any of us be held liable today when we lived a good life, an upstanding life by all accounts, and then something that maybe is an arguable issue took place in high school? Should that deny us chances later in life? Even for Supreme Court job, a presidency of the United States, or you name it. How accountable are we for high school actions, when this is clearly a disputable high school action? That’s a tough issue.”
You can totally argue “YES, it should deny you chances later in life” if the behavior is awful enough. And so that’s the question. How awful was this behavior, because it appears as if Kamp Kavanaugh has already moved beyond the “it never happened” stage of their defense.
Music 101
Janie’s Got A Gun
Listen to the sound of an experienced, confident and polished band. This 1989 hit from Aerosmith is almost :45 in before you get any discernible vocals from Steven Tyler, but it’s all a terrific build-up. The ’70s rockers seemed to be content to rest on their laurels until Run-DMC woke them up with the crossover cover of “Walk This Way” three years earlier introduced them to a new generation of fans. Then this song heralded the band’s renaissance, climbing all the way to No. 4 in early 1990. Easily the best thing the band produced in the past 35 years this side of Liv Tyler.
Remote Patrol
The Amazing Human Body
8 p.m. PBS
For those of you who were never shown Hemo The Magnificent in elementary school.
Ocean’s Eleven
8 p.m. TCM
The original, with the Rat Pack: Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. Angie Dickinson is the babe while Cesar Romero (the original Joker) plays the heavy. Tune in just to see how different 1960 Vegas was than the current iteration.