by John Walters

Starting Five

Gilmore Girls Win The Emmys!

Two Emmys for Amy Sherman-Palladino. One for her husband, Danny or David (I don’t remember which). Nominations for Milo Ventimiglia (This Is Us) and for the show (The Handmaid’s Tale) in which Alexis Bledel is a major character. Man, those kids from Stars Hollow went out into the great big world and really made a name for themselves (even if the best the show’s star, Lauren Graham, was able to do this past year was a three-episode arc on Curb Your Enthusiasm).

Other Emmys thoughts:

–The self-deprecating/self-aware opening number (“We Solved It”) was too safe, as was Colin and Michael’s duologue. The only line that did not feel stale or safe was Michael Che’s noting, “Can you believe they did 15 seasons of E.R. without one Filipino nurse?”

–43 years after being the biggest television star in America as Arthur Fonzarelli, Henry Winkler, 72, wins his first Emmy. “Kids, daddy won! You can go to bed now.” Good humor.

–Tracy Morgan was his typical checked-out-genius self. He told Jimmy Kimmel that he was only rooting for the black actresses, including Millie Bobbie Brown. When Kimmel, a reliable straight man, informed Morgan that Brown is not black, Morgan shot back, “Then she’s not invited to the cookout.”

–Benicio del Toro’s “We’ll kill, then we’ll kill again” woke us from our slumber. Fine non sequitur there.

–Yeah, yeah, yeah, the dude wins an Emmy, reveals that his mom just died, and then proposes to his girlfriend. It was like an episode of This Is Us broke out in the theater.

–After that, it was a letdown when Betty White, 96, opted not to propose to anyone in the audience. “Til death do us part” doesn’t sound so overwhelming when you’re just a few years away from turning over the odometer.

–Mad libs still decrying the lack of diversity among the honorees. They just weren’t paying attention when a dwarf (4’5″ Peter Dinklage) and a 6’4″ drag queen each won an Emmy.

2. Florence

This tweet illustrating how Interstate 40 morphed into a tributary got our attention…

Okay so that’s I-40, not a river.

Video from North Carolina Aviation released by North Carolina Department of transportation. #Florence pic.twitter.com/67RZ2YRI2s

— Matt Makens (@MattMakens) September 17, 2018

And we also saw, as did you, that video of the doggies who’d been locked in cages and left behind by their owners and were fortunately rescued.

Who does this??? (I’d save my cat before I’d save my own mother, and both creatures are well aware of that,  though I don’t think there’s going to be a tray of lasagna waiting for me the next time I fly home).

3. LaJax

The NFL season is only two weeks old, but already the Los Angeles Rams, bolstered by a defensive stud who should have won the Heisman (Ndamokung Suh) and an offensive stud who would’ve had he not gotten hurt (The Gurley Man), appear to be the best team in pro football. The best team in the AFC? That would be the Jacksonville Jaguars, who silenced the New England Patriots in Jax in a rematch of their AFC Championship contest.

The Rams have the NFL’s best point differential after two games, +54. The team with the second-best PD? The New York Jets (who are 1-1), at + 23.

4. Pussy Riot Poisoning

We just finished Ben Mezrich’s Once Upon A Time in Russia, which tells the story of the post-glasnost rise of the Russian oligarchs, which then led to ascendance of Vladimir Putin. The book also tells the story of the first known target of Vladimir Putin’s wrath via polonium poisoning, a former KGB agent named Alexander Litvinenko. From his deathbed in London in 2006 Litvinenko released a statement in which he accused Putin by name of being behind his murder.

A dozen years later, little has changed. This week Pyotr Verzilov, the spokesman for the Moscow-based band Pussy Riot, which have long been outspoken protesters against the Putin regime, was apparently poisoned. He has been flown to a hospital in Germany for treatment. In July Verzilov and two others stormed the pitch of the France-Croatia World Cup semifinal dressed as police as a form of protest. Vlad doesn’t forget those things.

5. Should Brett Fret?

We’ll say this first: The biggest mistake that Brett Kavanaugh made in terms of this just-under-the-wire scandal was denying it ever happened. Unless it didn’t happen…

But if it did, the GOP’s most-favored Supreme Court nominee made a YUUUGE tactical mistake by adopting the Donald Trump strategy of DENY DENY DENY. By now you know the story: A letter written by a 51 year-old professor in California, Christine Blasey Ford, gets into the hands of Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.) in July. She turns it over to the FBI. The FBI fails to follow up. Feinstein leaks the letter after the confirmation hearings but before the vote.

The contents of the letter? That while Kavanaugh was a 17 year-old student at Georgetown Prep, he attempted to sexually assault the 15 year-old Ford at a party at a posh house in Montgomery County, Maryland. She recalls being groped and Kavanaugh, shite-faced, trying to muffle her screams with his hands.

It’s not rape, but it’s legally an assault. It’s a preppy in 1981 or ’82 acting like a jackass. The world was a far more sexist place back then, especially for the white male American teen (see: Animal House, Caddyshack, Porky’s, Risky Business, etc.). How long did this alleged assault last? Were any of her clothes removed? How blitzed was he?

None of those answers mitigate the fact that the alleged incident is serious. But if it did happen and Kavanaugh had come right out and said, “I was 17 years old and drunk and stupid. I sincerely apologize,” well, sure, we’re about to hit the one-year anniversary of the MeToo movement, but it’s possible that the confirmation vote would have proceeded on schedule (Thursday) and he’d have been approved with reservations.

He was a minor. No charges were filed. The statute of limitations has passed. Own it, apologize, stress that you’ve gone on to be a responsible figure in public life, you’re married, a dad, yada yada yada…

Instead, Kavanaugh denied this ever happened. Now it’s no longer a case of how horrible his behavior was—something I believe reasonable people can disagree on, at least in terms of what long-term consequences it should have on his career. Instead, now it’s a HeSaidSheSaid case. Who’s lying? And after Monday’s hearing, when I believe Ford will come off as a far more credible witness than Kavanaugh (and she’s already passed a polygraph), it will be too late for Kavanaugh to employ the strategy the MH staff just laid out.

Because now it will all be about him being an exposed liar. And c’mon, a dude who claims to have no memory of a meeting with a major player at a law firm within the past year (when questioned by Kamala Harris) now has a vivid memory of having not attended a party 35 years ago? Riiiiiiiiiighhhhht.

Maybe she’s lying. Maybe she was “put up to this’ by the Democrats. I doubt it, though. If Ford’s telling the truth, and it’s much more plausible that she is, then Kavanaugh is now something worse than an adolescent ass. He’s a confirmed adult liar. And that will likely disqualify him.

Music 101

I Want To Break Free

We were waiting at the service bar of the cookoutateria Sunday afternoon when this Freddie Mercury gem energized the sound system and a colleague opined, “This may be the most underrated Queen song.” Part of the greatness of Queen, not unlike the Beatles, is that they were capable of extraordinarily sophisticated epics (Bohemian Rhapsody/A Day In The Life) but also of penning simple melodies that remain in your brain forever (Crazy Little Thing Called Love, or this song/Eight Days A Week). This 1984 song hit No. 3 in the UK, but only No. 45 here in the States, where MTV banned the video for a time due to all the band members dressing in drag.

Remote Patrol

Norm Macdonald (Has A) Show

Netflix

We can’t vouch for the entire series, but the premiere episode with David Spade is hilarious. And that’s mostly because David Spade is just a very funny and likable guy (as are all men from the Phoenix area). The set is only slightly more elaborate than “Between Two Ferns” and Norm’s longtime pal, Adam Get, acts as sidekick. Stick around for the closing jingle, which is easily the most (only?) inspired part of the program.