by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

KEELAN COLE, CATCH OF THE YEAR! pic.twitter.com/DIfJ8oRhPk

— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) September 16, 2018

Starting Five

Davis Up

This may be a first: Cornerback Vontae Davis, 30, in his first season with the Buffalo Bills, retired at halftime. “I shouldn’t be out there anymore,” Davis said in a statement, after putting on his dress clothes with the Bills trailing at home to the Chargers 28-6 at the intermission.

Davis was a healthy scratch in Game and pulled himself out of Sunday’s game after telling coaches he didn’t feel right. He’ll get mocked all over the inter webs, but he spent nine full seasons in the League and he gets to WALK away. So yeah, awful timing, but maybe it’s the right decision. No one should play in the NFL half-assed. You’ll get murderlized.

FWIW, in the worst loss we were ever part of in organized football (49-0 to the vaunted Marcos De Niza Pop Warner Bobcats in 8th grade), our teammate quit immediately after the game, on the field, handing in his shoulder pads and helmet to our coaches. And he was our starting running back (maybe he was upset with the play of the team’s quarterback, ahem…). Anyway, we bring this up because one of Davis’ Bills teammates, linebacker Lorenzo Alexander, noted that he’d never seen that at any level, including Pop Warner.

Then again, at least my teammate waited until after our loss to quit.

Cape Cod Is Now Cape Fear

We arrived home from the cookoutateria on Sunday night to see that Jaws was airing on Ovation. Which is odd timing, because it’s the story of a shark that terrorizes an island near Cape Cod (a fictional Martha’s Vineyard or Nantucket). Meanwhile, on Friday afternoon, a 25 year-old swimming at a beach in Cape Cod that used to be an annual pilgrimage for the MH staff, in the town of Wellfleet, was the victim of a fatal shark attack.

Arthur Medici of Revere, Mass., was boogie boarding about 30 yards offshore when he was bitten. It’s believed to be the first fatal shark attack off Cape Cod since 1936. But, a 61 year-old man was bitten last month by a shark a miles north of Wellfleet in the town of Truro. Well, off the coast of the town of Truro.

1. Matt Ryan Fitzpatrick Mahomes

The first of these three-quarterbacks-in-four-words should have won his first Super Bowl two years ago. The third, in his second NFL season and first as a starter, has guided the Kansas City Chiefs to a pair of road victories while throwing 10 TD passes without an interception.

The middle guy, pictured above, is a career journeyman, a married father of six who graduated from Harvard, went undrafted, is 35 years old and is only starting for the Tampa Bay Bucs because Jameis Winston is serving a four-game groping suspension. But here’s the thing: Ryan Fitzpatrick has thrown 8 TD passes, just one pick, and has the Bucs at 2-0 after they beat the Super Bowl-champion Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday. In doing so he became the first QB in NFL history to throw for 400 yards and 4 TDs in each of the first two games of a season.

DeSean Jackson shows up shirtless at Fitzpatrick presser and Ryan says he has time for two more questions because DJack needs his stuff back. pic.twitter.com/fVr8fj93K4

— Greg Auman (@gregauman) September 16, 2018

Also, the Chandler Hamilton High grad has a sense of humor to go with that bushy beard, donning teammate Deshaun Watson’s outfit for his postgame presser. That is some major swag.

4. Crazy Lost Asians

This is Fan Bingbing, one of China’s most famous movie stars. No one has seen her since June, shortly after a report was released stating that she was evading paying taxes by having a public contract for movie deals and a far, larger private one. In China these are known as “yin-yang” contracts.

Her disappearance in the authoritarian Communist state has been met with great…Fanfare. We assume wherever she went, she’ll turn up again in a few months, properly reeducated.

This is what happens in a nation where the central government is permitted to control the media.

5. 26.2 In 2:01:39

At the Berlin Marathon on Sunday, Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge set a world record with a time of 2:01:39. The 33 year-old Olympic champion lowered the world-record time, set four years ago on this same course, by an astounding one minute and 18 seconds. The 5’5″, 123-pound runner has now finished first in 11 of the 12 marathons he has run.

A sub-2 hour marathon will happen, it’s just a matter of when.

Music 101

Coconut

This song by Harry Nilsson, featured on his 1971 album titled Nilsson Schmilsson, reached No. 8 on the Billboard charts. But what does it mean? We have no idea. One curious note: the song has no chord changes. It’s a C7 all the way through.

Remote Patrol

70th Primetime Emmy Awards

8 p.m. NBC

Your hosts are Michael Che and Colin Jost, and presumably at some point in the show they’ll bring on Leslie Jones to discuss her sex life. We’ve never seen The Handmaid’s Tale, This Is Us (more than a few minutes before heading to the bathroom to retch), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, or Atlanta, so we’ll probably feel left out. Mindhunter wasn’t even nominated, which we do not understand. At least Kate McKinnon should win something.