by John Walters

Starting Five

Maddon-ing

Earthquakes, Bay Area residents knows, are sudden and shocking and create seismic change. So did the Chicago Cubs last night at AT&T Park. Down 5-2 in the ninth, having just gotten two hits off Matt Moore (10 strikeouts), the Cubs went single (Kris Bryant), walk (Anthony Rizzo), double (Ben Zobrist), single (Wilson Contreras), error (on what should have been a double play), and single (Javy Baez) off his bullpen.

Four runs and only one out, off five relievers. Cubs win, 6-5. Game over. Series over. Even-numbered year streak over, at three.

The Giants and their fans will always wonder What if? What if we’d just gotten three outs and moved the series back to Chicago? With Johnny Cueto on the hill and MadBum waiting in the bullpen and with all the pressure of 108 long years pressing down on Wrigleyville.

We’ll never know. Maybe these Joe Maddon Cubs really are different.

2. Miracle Met

Yes, Tim Tebow laid his hand on a person who was suffering from a seizure in Arizona, and then that victim seemed to be comforted. The man’s name was Brandon and he told Tebow, who was signing autographs after going 0-3 at the plate in his Arizona Fall League debut, that he was a Georgia fan. Brandon, who was on the ground for 15 minutes, was whisked off by paramedics and is okay.

That’s one miracle for Tebow. Two, if you count that he won a playoff game as a starting quarterback in the NFL.

3. Onward, Christian Soldiers*

*The judges are entirely plugging the Newsweek story of a hack they know. Skip immediately to the next item!

If you stayed up to watch Washington State at Stanford last Saturday night in Pac-12 After Sark (and I did, because I never miss an opportunity to watch Christian McCaffrey), you saw a vintage McCaffrey gallop in the second quarter. The junior, last year’s Heisman runner-up, took the handoff and headed right behind his blockers. Seeing the running lanes more clogged up than the 101 during rush hour (pro tip: ALWAYS take the 280!), he quickly reversed field and scampered 23 yards.

It was the most 2015 McCaffrey play of 2016. Soon after, though, he was gone, not to return. All coach David Shaw will say is that he is “banged up” and that they will not make a decision on him until Friday or Saturday, regarding Saturday’s was-supposed-to-be big game at Notre Dame.

Is this the play on which McCaffrey was hurt?

I wrote about McCaffrey in Newsweek. About how it wasn’t fair that he was robbed of the Heisman last season, and about how it’s a shame that this season has been such a disappointment. In Stanford’s last three games, they’ve scored five touchdowns: two on defense and another two, both to J.J. Arciga-Whiteside, with less than :30 on the clock. There was a fifth meaningless second-half TD to JJAW at U-Dub.

No McCaffrey TDs. None.

4. Vagina Monologue*

*Warning: NSFP. Not Safe For Phyllis

On her show, Full Frontal, host and The Daily Show alumna Samantha Bee went off, not exactly half-cocked, at Donald Trump’s 2005 bus comments. She ended her rant by free associating about every last euphemism for that part of the female anatomy that has ever been conjured.

Meanwhile, at NBC, it’s Bye, Bye Bushy.

5. Checkout: Gwyneth*

*The judges also considered “Paper or Plastic,” “Six-Pack” “One Item or Less”  and “I’d Bag That”

Yes, that’s Oscar winner Gywneth Paltrow, who’s been working out, for a Bazaar photo shoot. My instincts tell me that’s the Pioneer Market (the signs on the window are a giveaway) on Columbus Ave., which is this fantastic anachronism of a grocery store on the posh Upper West Side in the 70s. However, the other photos don’t seem to verify my claim. We’ll get MH’s (on) crack research staff to look into this.

Music 101

Lightning Crashes

Probably the only time “placenta” has been used in a hit song. In the last great days of MTV as a music station, the band Live from York, Pa., went to No 12 on the charts with this 1994 song. Few lead singers have had a less glamorous name look or name than Ed Kowalczyk. The song was not originally released as a single, but the album (Throwing Copper) was a hit and people couldn’t help but notice that this song was actually better than the three songs that had originally been pulled as the singles. Live, along with Soul Asylum, were a Lollapalooza-worthy if not R&R HOF-worthy band of the early ’90s.

Remote Patrol

Speechless

ABC 8:30 p.m.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u55WK6AbaM

Can a half-hour comedy on network TV that is not exactly a sit-com (no live studio audience) actually succeed in the 21st century? Probably not, but we like that, like The Grinder last autumn, someone is giving it a try. Solid premise, and Minnie Driver gives the show about an untraditional family plenty of cred. If only it were on NetFlix or AmazonPrime.