by John Walters

Starting Five

The Audacity of Grope

I know, I know. The issues. ISIS is chopping off people’s heads. And honestly, if The Donald just refused to engage all of these new sexual harassment allegations from years ago, that would be his better strategy.

But, here is whey this is going down: 1) Friday’s tape in which he bragged about in essence sexually assaulting women and 2) Sunday’s debate in which he told Anderson Cooper, “I have tremendous respect tor women, no one has more respect for women than me…no, I have not (grabbed them by the…..).”

Now Trump is lashing out, threatening to sue The New York Times. Is he also going to sue the Palm Beach Post? And People? And…people? If he sues, the NYT can depose him and depose every woman who ever had a gripe with him. Meanwhile, the election is less than four weeks away…unless it’s actually will be held on November 28.

That’s award-winning New York Times reporter Megan Twohey. When she phoned Trump for a comment Tuesday night, he called her “a disgusting human being.” We’re so far beyond why he’d be a terrible leader at this point, no? But I’m sure there’s a banana republic (or a Banana Republic) he’d be able to manage.

A New Leaf

Making his NHL debut for the Toronto Maple Leafs, Scottsdale, Ariz., native Auston Matthews, 19, scores FOUR goals in the first two periods. No one has ever done that. The Maple Leafs still lost to Otttawa, 5-4, in OT. The Leafs last won the Stanley Cup in 1967—this season marks the 50th anniversary of their drought.

3. Ballad of a Thin Man

Not a bad week for Hibbing, Minn., native Bob Zimmerman. He opened for the Rolling Stones last Friday night in Indio, Calif., and will do so again tomorrow night, and today it was announced that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature. And he didn’t even have to submit a manuscript to a publisher! When asked to comment on the honor, the man we know as Bob Dylan replied, “Himmmina mummina ho. Zibbit rikkish ooh.”

4. All’s Well That Ends Wells…

Remember that Wells Fargo CEO with the made-up-rich-kid name (John Stumpf) who was getting his hiney chewed out by Elizabeth Warren during a congressional subcommittee a few weeks back? We wrote about it. He “retired” yesterday.

On September 20 Warren called Stumpf’s leadership “gutless” and added “you should resign.” Well, he has. Effective immediately.

5. “Oh, Bob”

Cubs, I am 87 and I am getting too old for this… #GoCubsGo #FlyTheW pic.twitter.com/d4tnkgRCl0

— Bob Newhart (@BobNewhart) October 12, 2016

Forgot to post that yesterday. That’s comedian Bob Newhart, whose eponymous Seventies sitcom was based in Chicago, reminding the Cubbies that he’d really like to see them win a World Series before he moves on. Other voluble and famous Cubbies fans include John Cusack and Eddie Vedder.

Back in the early to mid-Seventies, before people began televising college football on Saturday nights, CBS owned Saturday night prime-time. You had The Mary Tyler Moore Show, followed by The Bob Newhart Show, followed by The Carol Burnett Show. And no one put a #Funny on the screen to inform you that you were watching comedy. It was sort of self-evident.

Sorta wondering whom the Cubs will have throw out the first pitches when they advance to the World Series (yes, they will). They’ll host Games 3, 4 and 5.

 

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Also, a Happy Birthday to my sister. She’s somewhere north of 29…..

Music 101

Rapture

What a band Blondie was. Gorgeous lead singer with a seductive voice, and they could go from punk (“Atomic”) to uptempo rock (“Call Me”) to dreamy (“Sunday Girl”) to reggae (“The Tide Is High”) to this, disco-infused-rap. The only thing Debbie Harry couldn’t do, as this video illustrates, is dance. She’s Elaine Benes out there. This song hit No. 1 for two weeks in 1980. Yes, a blonde white girl sang the first rap song to hit No. 1 on the charts (apologies, Sugar Hill Gang).

Remote Patrol

Game 5: Dodgers at Nationals

FS1 8 p.m.

This is why the Nationals signed heterochromiac Max Scherzer. To take the hill in a closeout game. Scherzer is earning $210 million over seven years.