by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Grange Award: Christian McCaffrey

Well, as long as we are paying tribute to overrated Caucasian athletes(see Top), then –Whoa! Whoa! Larry Bird helped save the NBA, along with Magic, so stop! — we are hereby bequeathing Grange Award 2015 to the Stanford sophomore who broke the single-season all-purpose yardage record on Saturday evening.

In the 41-22 win gainst USC, Christian McCaffrey rushed for 207 yards, had 105 receiving, had 120 kick return yards and another 29 in punt returns. That’s 461 all-purpose yards, plus he had one touchdown pass of 11 yards. The sophomore from Castle Rock, Colo., scored two TDs and threw for another. On the season he compiled 3,496 all-purpose yards, breaking the record of Barry Sanders (albeit with two more games to do so), whose namesake is his backup.

It’s not just the yardage, of course. As other people have noted, McCaffrey is the most amazing all-purpose back since Reggie Bush, who also wore No. 5 and played in the Pac-12. Bush won one Heisman (which he had to return, which is a joke) and earned two. As a sophomore,

Bush won his Heisman Trophy as a junior with 2,890 all-purpose yards. McCaffrey as a sophomore has 600 all-purpose yards more (as a sophomore, Bush had 2,330 all-purpose yards). Bush, by the way, attended Saturday night’s game (he is prohibited from attending USC games) thanks to a loophole: Levi’s Stadium is his home NFL stadium.

Christian McCaffrey, Stanford: Our 2015 Red Grange Award winner….

2. Art Basel, Art Briles: Bad Weekend

The South Beach art fair, where only the wellest of heeled are welcome, endured a stabbing. One female patron stabbed another with an X-Acto knife, which brings “suffering for your art” to a new level. The injuries were not life-threatening.

Meanwhile, blocks away, a shirtless bank robber (always a bad look; ask John Dillinger; at least he knew how to dress for the occasion) was shot dead by police while not exactly seeming to pose an immediate threat. He was white, in case you were wondering.

In Waco on Saturday, Baylor ushered in the Lynx Hawthorne era while losing to Texas and squandering a shot at the Sugar Bowl. It’s tough to win with your fourth quarterback and author of The Scarlet Letterman’s Jacket, but still, this was a Texas team that was shut out by Iowa State. Oh well, maybe now at least Baylor fans will hush for a bit.

3. We Shall Oval-come

POTUS, from a POT-ium in the Oval Office last night: “Congress should act to make sure no one on a no-fly list is able to buy a gun. What could possibly be the argument for allowing a terrorist suspect to buy a semiautomatic weapon?”

Of course, the argument is the 2nd Amendment, whose supporters presume it to be inalienable right, when actually it is just an addendum to a document whose charter is “to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..”

But, hey, the NRA hates it when facts get in the way. That’s why a FOX News dude literally shot holes through the New York Times Saturday page 1 editorial.

4. of the Worst Kind

A skit titled “Close Encounter” on Saturday Night Live gives Kate McKinnon another opportunity to demonstrate why she is a worthy successor to Kristen Wiig inside Studio 8-H.

5. Football Four

Questions: Cool or uncool of ESPN.com to post a story of Heather Dinich‘s Football Four prediction so that it ran front-and-center on the homepage at noon, the very moment when people might be checking on-line or on their mobile phones to see what the results of the Selection Committee are? We get that if you bother to read the fine print, you realize they are Dinich’s prediction, but then again, has she not been embedded with the 12-person jury the past month? And why illustrate her story with a four-team bracket so that it looks like news?

Verdict: Not cool.

Clemson-Oklahoma will be the high-octane matchup with the two playmaking QBs, while Alabama-Michigan State is already on a Maximum Threat Level Concussion Protocol Alert.

And let’s give some love to that game-winning TD drive, and the TD itself, by Michigan State. L.J. Scott sure looked as if he was stopped. Good to see that Sparty didn’t go all Bucky Badger when it had a potential game-winning run play late versus the Hawkeyes.

If I have to pick a winner, give me Oklahoma. And remember Sooner linebacker Eric Striker spells it with an “i.” Gay porn star Eric Stryker spelled it with a “y.”

By the way, I had UCLA in the Football Four, and Georgia, too, so don’t listen to me. But for the record, ESPN’s Mark Schlabach, back in May, had TCU, Oregon, Ohio State and Auburn (0 for 4) and Brett McMurphy had TCU, USC, Ohio State and Auburn (so, 0 for 4).

Music 101

Release

It’s Pearl Jam Week here at MH, as Eddie Vedder celebrates a birthday later this month. This tune was the 11th and final track off Ten, one of the finest debut albums in rock history. It wasn’t one of the three singles released off the album, but as the decades pass, it is as representative as any Pearl Jam tune. Also appears at beginning and end of the movie Out of the Furnace (amazing cast, thin plot).

Remote Patrol

Young Frankenstein

Sundance 10:15 p.m.

“Pardon me, boy, is that the Transylvania choo choo?” “Yah! Yah! Track 29…Can I give you a shine?” I wonder how many times the Zucker Brothers watched Mel Brooks’ 1974 satire of horror films as inspiration for Airplane! Too many sight and sound gags to list, but I did love the nervous whinnying of horses any time the name “Frau Blucher” was invoked.