by John Walters
Happy 49th birthday, Fred Armisen, you silly, silly man!
Starting Five
Rodgers’ pass sailed at least 70 yards in the air, putting him in solid position to win last night’s Punt, Pass & Kick competition.
Rust Belted
For the second time in four nights, a classically underachieving Midwest NFL franchise gets kicked in the ‘nads at home on the game’s final play. Last night Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers completed a 61-yard Hail Mary pass –on a play that actually started with 0:00 on the clock, due to the most minor of face mask infractions– to Richard Rodgers (who, like Aaron, attended Cal) for the 27-23 win. The Pack had trailed 20-0 in the third quarter.
(Rodgers and Hart? Rodgers and Hammerstein? And now Rodgers and Rodgers?)
That was on CBS. As you may recall, Will Hill of the Ravens returned a blocked field goal attempt by the Browns on the game’s final play, breaking that tie score and giving Baltimore the win.
The Surrender Cobra is now Michigan’s official state reptile
Green Bay and Baltimore have each won a Super Bowl in the past five years. Cleveland and Detroit are the only two franchises who have been around at least 25 years that have yet to even appear in a Super Bowl. Rust Belters must ask themselves the existential questions: Why am I living here? Why am I rooting for these teams?
Related: Calvin Johnson, a.k.a. Megatron, is 6’5″ and has the best hands in the NFL. Why wasn’t he in on the Hail Mary play for Detroit as a defender? Our pal Rothstein has that story.
2. RIP, Lead Singer of STP
To absolutely no one’s surprise, former Stone Temple Pilots lead singer, shirt-averse rocker, heroin addict, Notre Dame football aficionado, Velvet Revolver lead singer and Steve Nash doppelgänger Scott Weiland falls to pieces way too soon. He was 48.
Weiland was found dead on a tour stop in Bloomington, Minn., last night, in an RV on Killebrew Drive. The last time I thought about him was a few weeks ago, when I saw his former band mates playing Jimmy Kimmel Live! substituting in Joss Stone as their lead singer. They cheekily branded themselves Joss Stone Temple Pilots. Really.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfYKWsEuz-0
Great voice. Super abs. A dynamic presence. Weiland had the bad boy rock star image down, alas, too well. There’s a terrific passage in the rock-and-roll memoir by former Rolling Stone writer Jancee Dunn, But Enough About Me, in which she describes going to interview Weiland in L.A. and then him inviting her to shoot up with him. And she was somewhat seduced by his entire persona, but found the strength to resist.
3. G-U-N-play in the USA*
*The judges will also accept “Welcome to the USNRA”
Six of the 14 San Bernardino victims
Less than 24 hours after 14 people are murdered by gun-toting, radicalized Muslim-Americans, the Senate defeats a bill (by 50-48) to expand background checks before people are allowed to buy guns. It was a mostly partisan vote, as only four Republicans voted in favor of the bill and only one Democrat voted against it (two Democrats abstained, because, hey, why not be a pu**y?).
Earlier, the Senate defeated a bill that would permit the government to delay sales of weapons by 72 hours if the buyer is a suspected terrorist. As someone tweeted on Wednesday night: “Abortion?” “Ban it!” “Gay marriage?” “Ban it!” “Weapons sales?” “You know, banning something isn’t really addressing the problem…”
4. Simmet Special
Offensive lineman David Simmet may not be the most extraordinary person, in the literal sense of the term, on the University of St. Thomas football team (more on that next week). But, at 6’9″ and 350 pounds, and with a 3.96 GPA in an accounting major, the senior from Stillwater, Minn. (<– great town, by the way) stands out.
The Tommies host Wabash tomorrow in a Division III quarterfinal. The Tommies happen to be a 12-0 wrecking ball, having won seven of their games by at least 44 points.
5. Klatt Bounces Back
The last moment of Klatt’s playing career…
Ten years and one day ago, Joel Klatt of Colorado threw the final pass of his football career in a conference championship game. The good news: It was 3rd-and-17 and he completed it for a 23-yard gain. The bad news: he got knocked cold by a blitzing Texas safety. The question: Why were the Longhorns, up 70-3 at the time, running a safety blitz?
Go to 28:00 here. Klatt’s final play (Brad Nessler, I believe: “Joel’s on Woozy Street.”)
Tomorrow Klatt continues his long — and yet short– road back to a conference title game (he actually called one last year, too) for Fox as the lead analyst at the Big Ten Championship Game. I’ll have a story on him in Newsweek later today.
Music 101
Fall To Pieces
Remembering Weiland. Ah, for the good ol’ days when you’d mention the song “Creep” and your friend would ask, “Radiohead or STP?” Anyway, here’s a 1st-gear, crunchy rocker from his supergroup that included Slash, Velvet Revolver.
Remote Patrol
USC vs. Stanford
ESPN 7:45 p.m.
Michigan State vs. Iowa
Fox 8 p.m.
North Carolina vs. Clemson
ABC 8 p.m.
Jordan Canzeri of Iowa
Let’s go channel surfin’ now/Everybody’s learnin’ how/Come and follow Twitter with me….This trio of games becomes infinitely more intriguing if Alabama loses to Florida in the 4 p.m. game, but who is counting on that? Nobody.
The only reason I know of the Tommies is because I read Austin Murphy’s book ‘The Sweet Season’ & they were/are the long-time rivals of the Johnnies (the focus of the book). I liked that book & have always been surprised it has not yet been made into a movie. (I envisioned Brad Pitt as Austin but he’s too darn old now). I read it 6-8 years ago & the part that touched me the most is the part I still remember – how Austin broke down & cried in the airport when he heard the team he had lived among/befriended & chronicled had been beaten in that year’s playoff (or maybe final game) & he talked with his dad about it. It would make a great movie!
One more thing about Kobe – I read Windhorst’s piece yesterday about Kobe’s “surreal final season” & he says Kobe’s on-court play is not the only thing transformed these days – apparently he is no longer nasty & surly but Mr Sunshine/’aw-shucks, fellas’. Slapping backs, shaking hands, signing autographs, taking selfies & being down-right chatty with the media. As you know, we differ on our opinions of Mr Bryant but are you not exclaiming “WTF?!” every damn day? And then it hit me – ‘It’s a Basketball Christmas Carol’! Nasty/old/super successful Mr Scrooge/Kobe was visited by the ghosts of (Xmas)basketball present/past/future during the last 2 years of rehab. And he’s suddenly transformed! Gives one a whole new appreciation for the utter shock felt by the fine folks of London as Scrooge suddenly started throwing money around, dancing down the streets & hugging it out with everyone he met.
Must be part of that “marketing plan”. 😉
Brad Pitt is not handsome enough to play Austin Murphy.
As for Kobe, I wrote my piece before his Philly visit. That presser, where he was so ebullient, was an eye-opener. And you may be onto something. I’ve always liked Kobe, have always admired his I’m-a-badass-and-I’m-not-about-to-apologize-for-it attitude. He’s Col. Jesup with hops.
On the other hand, I’d love to see the story someone will write where ex-teammates talk about what it was like playing with/practicing with him. I’ve only heard a few tales, unconfirmed, where he was well, kind of a bully. I’m glad he’s seen the light before it’s too late. I also think Scrooge Kobe wold tell this Kobe to get the hell out of the locker room.
“Though he majored in economics, Klatt inadvertently found himself minoring in rhetoric.”
Forget incendiary takes. Chronicling the human condition is your jam. Well done!