by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Well, He IS German

Republic presidential candidate Donald Trump proposes prohibiting ALL Muslims from entering the United States “until we figure this thing out.” If we do that, this is what we may wind up getting…

In Trump’s defense, he has a point: If you can’t think of another continent where the local inhabitants would have served themselves better by prohibiting a religious group from landing on its shores, well, you’re probably already standing on it.

2. U Toujours (Tout le Monde’s a Stage)

Last night Bono continued his campaign to be the world’s coolest human since Jesus, as he and U2 welcomed the Eagles of Death Metal onto the stage in Paris. The two bands hooked up to play Patti Smith’s People Have The Power just three weeks and three days after the attack at the Bataclan. That’s Jesse Hughes in the white suit, lead vocals (that’s Bono in the black suit, backing vocals, but you already knew that).

So, up yours, ISIS.

3. Nespresso of Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX7PxBzinUg

Bobby Moynihan had one of his better shows on Saturday Night Live last weekend, reprising his “Second Hand News” guy, Anthony Crispino, on “Weekend Update,” this time joined by “Third Hand News” guy, Ryan Gosling. But this bit with Taran Killam, aping those strange George Clooney-Danny Devito ads for Nespreso, is fantastic.

4. The Bournemouth Identity

You probably missed this on Saturday — I did– what with all the college football, but in the Premier League, last year’s champions, Chelsea, lost at home to AFC Bournemouth, a team whose pitch seats 11,000 fans and who only a year ago were in the second, or Championship, division of English soccer. Like AAA baseball here.

The Cherries won 1-0 on a gaol scored in the 82nd minute by a player, Glenn Murray, who had only checked into the game two minutes earlier. Beating the defending league champions –and a club who had won the Champions League only three years earlier — is quite an achievement for a club who barely was on the radar five years ago. Chelsea is having an awful season (they are in 14th place; Bournemouth was in 18th), but this is still remarkable.

5. Onsides, Offsides (etc.)

So, wait…have any ACC refs been suspended over the miscarriage of justice on North Carolina’s final onsides kick? And why was that not reversed? And how do you quell the cries of weirdos –like me– who suggest that nobody, from John Skipper at ESPN to ACC der kommissar John Swofford, wanted to see the Tar Heels win and so somebody had the refs go Buffalo Wild Wings on it all? Am I suggesting that’s what happened? No. But with Carolina trailing only 45-37 and having recovered that insides kick with 1:20 to play, things were about to get awfully messy….

***

I made a huge mistake when I appeared on Jason McIntyre’s radio show (“You blewwww it”) and I know that it is too late to atone for it, but I’m going to add this argument here. When he asked me why I prefer four teams above eight, my first reply should have been because I don’t want to see conference champions receive automatic bids –something that would likely happen with eight teams.

Why not? Well, first, because it would only further disincentivize schools to schedule quality OOC opponents. If you think Baylor and TCU are bad now, wait to see how many schools would join them. Why play a tough OOC team that will 1) bang your squad up and 2) potentially beat you when your two best paths to a playoff are either a conference title or else an undefeated OOC record to complement your conference record? The only conceivable benefit to playing a tough OOC team would be SOS plus a win, but that’s too high a risk to take. So that should have been my immediate reply. Sorry.

And why would I want to elevate a conference champ if there are better teams out there? Do I really want an NFC East scenario — three 5-7 teams and one 4-8 team — because it’s still in doubt late in season? No. I want to see the best teams play.

****

Finally, I’m putting all of us in the doghouse, myself included, as regards our preseason picks for the Football Four and Heisman. Enjoy:

J Dubs: Michigan State, UCLA, Ohio State, Auburn; Nick Chubb (I had McCaffrey 5th)

Stewart Mandel: Ohio State, TCU, Texas A&M, Auburn; Trevone Boykin

Bruce Feldman: Ohio State, Baylor, Oregon, Notre Dame; J.T. Barrett

Joel Klatt: Alabama, Ohio State, TCU, USC; Ezekiel Elliott

Clay Travis: Clemson, Ohio State, TCU, Georgia; DeShaun Watson (?)

Andy Staples: Alabama, Baylor, Ohio State, UCLA; DeShaun Watson (?)

Brian Hamilton: Ohio State, Auburn, Baylor, Arizona State; Trevone Boykin

Pete Thamel: Ohio State, Arizona State, Notre Dame, Georgia; Mike Bercovici

Kirk Herbstreit: Oklahoma, Arizona State, Ohio State, LSU;

Lee Corso: Ohio State, Oregon, Baylor, LSU

Desmond Howard: Michigan State, Stanford, Texas A&M, TCU

Matt Hinton: Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State, Baylor

Chris Brown: Alabama, Arizona, TCU, Ohio State

Michael Weinreb: Ohio State, Oregon, LSU, Boise State

Ty Duffy: Alabama, Ohio State, Oregon, Baylor

Congrats, Matt Hinton (whose picks appeared in Grantland, now defunct; it is entirely without funk), you’re the only one I found who picked at least half the field.

 

Music 101

Glorified G

“Got a gun, ‘fact I got two,

That’s okay, man, cuz I love God,

Glorified version of a pellet gun,

Feels so manly, when armed”

On Pearl Jam’s second album, Eddie Vedder skewered God-and-Guns nuts, but the problem is that the song’s guitar and melody is so kick-ass that it sort of became an anthem (See: Springsteen,  “Born in the USA”). Pearl Jam Week continues at MH, as we take one of the more “Turn it the F up!” tunes off the band’s second album, Vs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd2xEi_thBM

Remote Patrol

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

CBS 10 p.m.

The runways are cleared for glanding. Live from New York! Now how do I find a way to get assigned to cover this?