Starting Five
1. Miss “Une a Versailles?”
We’ve moved “Remote Patrol” up to the pole position (“Scwhiiiiing!”) this morning in honor of the winter’s most anticipated sporting event: yes, the Miss Universe Pageant live from Miami (8 p.m., NBC). It’s like a slightly more objectified and yet less objectionable version of The Bachelor, what with its attention to diversity.
La femme jolie is Camille Cerf, who stands five-foot-eleven and according to the Miss Universe website, “is a twin, but does not look like her sister” (the Fates can be so cruel).
Listen. I am universally awful at handicapping Miss Universe pageants, but I’ll give you my five favorites anyway (and, yes, there is wagering on this event): France (my favorite), Russia (“Yulia always gets bruises and normally has no idea where she got them from“….um, I have an idea), Colombia (South America is a perennial favorite in the World Cup and the D-Cup), Australia (most Baywatch-able) and Lithuania (bad weather and an awful diet and yet Eastern Europe consistently produces top-notch talent! How do they do it? Viking genes…I’d have easily slid in Serbia of Slovak Republic here, too).
Miss France: We are in au…revoir
Another reason je t’aime France, besides her charm (“Cerf’s Up!”) and the overwhelming audience empathy for her country: a purely European nation –Russia’s a Euro/Asia straddler–has not won the title since 1990. She’s due. Or, as a twin, she’s deux.
2. Swaggy P
“I have no more campaigns left to run…”
Pause, followed by partisan applause from some of the members of Congress.
“I know, cuz I won both of ’em.”
ROASTED!
3. Under Pressured
Hoodie-lum?
Did the New England Patriots intentionally deflate 11 of the 12 footballs they used in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game victory against the Indianapolis Colts?
If they did, that order came directly from the top: Bill Belichick.
If you think that the game’s outcome –45-7– should play any role in how the NFL decides its punishment, i.e., if your argument is that the Patriots’ margin of victory illustrates that they did not need to cheat to win and hence who cares, well, I’m sorry that your parents did not do a better job.
At the very, very least —IF the Pats are guilty–Bill Belichick should get the Luis Suarez treatment and be banned from ALL football-related activities until after the Super Bowl. And you’d probably want to lock him up in the cell next to Hernandez to prevent him from finding a way around that ruling.
But me? I really wouldn’t mind seeing the Patriots kicked out of SB XLIX and sending the Colts instead. Roger Goodell botched one ruling six months ago by being far too lenient. an he really afford to make that mistake again?
4. Hawkmen
Can he play the 2 position? Or the 5?
Monday afternoon. MLK Day. The Atlanta Hawks, 27-2 since Thanksgiving (think about that for a moment) are hosting the Detroit Pistons in the first annual “Aren’t We Glad We Got Rid of Josh Smith?” Game. Anyway, the Hawks win.
Afterward, on a special live edition of the Grantland Basketball Hour on either ESPN or ESPN2 (for sentiment’s sake, let’s say it aired on “The Ocho”), Jalen Rose suggests that the Hawks deserve to place three players on the Eastern Conference All-Star roster. The Sports Guy agrees.
“Al Horford, Jeff Teague and Paul Millsap,” says Rose.
“What about Kyle Korver?” asks Simmons.
Cut to a few hours later. The TNT guys are having the same discussion. Kenny the Jet and Barkley chime in that the Hawks have three All-Stars this season: Horford, Teague and Millsap.
“No mention of Kyle Korver?” asks Ernie Johnson.
The two exchanges illustrate a couple of truisms: First, even on MLK Day, or perhaps especially on MLK Day, we are all still prone to racial bias, even if it is without malice; second, I watch entirely too much television.
It’s funny. At first I thought it was heresy to suggest Korver, in his 13th season, should NOT make his first All-Star team. He’s on pace for a 50-50-90 season, which has never been done. However, Korver is last among these four Hawks in points per game, assists per game and PER. He’s third in rebounds. It’s not so crazy to say he’s below these three in being All-Star worthy.
Then again, the East is pretty bad. Put these four and Jimmy Butler on the squad and you’re probably set. Okay, Susie B., plus LeBron and Kyrie…
5. Nightly, Darkly
Loving Wilmore, 53, and loving the upside down (yes, but from whose perspective?) globe that serves as the backdrop
Two nights into his run, and I like what Larry Wilmore is doing with his Comedy Central offering “The Nightly Show.” (runs after Jon Stewart in most markets) He’s the black guy doing Jon Stewart’s schtick with he moral authority –or at least the DNA–to take on African-American issues without being an outisder.
I’d never call Stewart’s act vanilla (it isn’t), but Wilmore’s is certainly chocolate. On his first night he asked a question I’ve been asking for years, “Why is Al Sharpton the go-to black voice that the media gives a platform to for every racial issue (the Rev never even graduated college)?”
Lsst night Wilmore took on Bill Cosby. “We’ll ask the question, Did he do it?…The answer will be yes.”
It would’ve been easy for Wilmore to go Oprah! and discuss the lack of diversity at the Oscars. Instead, he opted not to be a cheerleader but a man who looks under the band-aid. Promising start.
Remote Patrol
Rockets at Warriors
TNT 10:30 p.m.
James, Beard. Harden is a refreshing throwback to the early 70s NBA (and ABA) when hoops was filled with colorful characters….
Oh, this is a treat and a possible Western Conference finals preview. The league’s best team, the Warriors, are 18-1 at home, 33-6 overall and have everyone’s midseason favorite for league MVP, Stephen Curry. Plus, they’re just so damn fun to watch. The Rockets’ (29-13) James Harden is the NBA scoring leader (27.1) for a team that is trying to overcome the loss of Chandler Parsons and the addition of Josh Smith.
Today’s MH? Merci-less.
Is this your way of answering last week’s query to “quick, name the top 3 players” on the Hawks? I can’t agree or disagree as the last time I watched them play was when they lost to the Cavs by 33. By halftime, it looked like Sweet Pea & the boys would win by 50, but then LBJ sat much of the 2nd half. Pretty much since that game, the Hawks have been on a roll, or, “flight” I guess. They’re welcome.
Meanwhile, I watched the Cavs put a beat-down on the Bulls the other night & hope this doesn’t prompt the same reaction in the Bulls. I still don’t think the Cavs are “there yet” (“daddy, are we THERE yet? NO!) but I like that new center, not exactly “spry” but he can REBOUND & DEFEND, two things heretofore pretty much missing on this team & thus, I feel more confident about the Cavs actually making the Playoffs & maybe even getting to the Eastern Conf Finals. BTW, one of your MVP candidates – Rose, NOT looking that great these days. And somebody should tell him about “glass houses”…
About “Deflategate” – the people who tick me off, ALMOST as much as Belichick & the Pats organization, are the idiots who just laugh & say “it’s gamesmanship”.