STARTING FIVE

1. Massive Attack!

Germany 7, Brazil 1.

If you’re going to find a historical or sports analogy, it needs these components:

1. The losing side is at home.

2. The losing side is historically the best at the art at hand, and takes great pride in it.

3. The defeat is swift, unrelenting and massive. It renders the vanquished shell-shocked.

4. The stakes are high.

I honestly don’t have a perfect analogy. Pearl Harbor satisfies conditions 1, 3 and 4, but not so much 2. Miami 58, Notre Dame 7, satisfies 2 and 3,  but not 1 and 4. Chicago Bears 44, Dallas Cowboys 0 at Texas Stadium in 1985 satisfies 1, 2 and 3, but not so much 4. Twitter follower John Broussard suggested the 1991 Cotton Bowl, Miami 46, Texas 3. I like it.

Here’s my write-up for Newsweek.

2. FDR: New Deal LBJ: Max Deal

Max deal.

You’ve heard that term a lot since July 1.

“LeBron wants a max deal.”

“Bosh eyeing a max deal with Houston.”

“Charlotte gives Gordon Hayward a max deal.”

It feels as if “max deal” is Kramer’s “write-off.”  I wonder how many people who use the term “max deal” even know what it actually means, beyond what the term implies? I know that I don’t.

So I looked it up.

From Wikipedia (because who is more reliable?): “The maximum amount of money a player can sign for is based on the number of years that player has played and the total of the salary cap. The maximum salary of a player with 6 or fewer years of experience is either $9,000,000 or 25% of the total salary cap (2010–11: $14,511,000), whichever is greater. For a player with 7–9 years of experience, the maximum is $11,000,000 or 30% of the cap (2010–11: $17,413,200), and for a player with 10+ years of experience, the maximum is $14,000,000 or 35% of the cap (2010–2011: $20,315,400).^[10] There is an exception to this rule: a player is able to sign a contract for 105% of his previous contract, even if the new contract is higher than the league limit.”

So there you go…

3. Copa Bananas

My good friend Adam Duerson, SI soccer editor, liver of life, ahead-of-the-curve hipster and Wisconsin-raised-Bears fan, was at Copacabana Beach yesterday (the only beach, as Rog and Dave-o have noted, named after a Barry Manilow tune). He took some video. The weather was more foreboding than this scene, as was the outcome of the contest. And that’s when it got a little scary.

Is it just me or did that not remind you of the Christmas Tsunami of 2005?

Also, ESPN’s studio went out at halftime of the match –ESPN went from “Darke to dark” –and the only solution was for the High Priest of Tirico-ism and Alexei Lalas to use Bob Ley’s Panic Room. How awesome was that?

4. Cub Meh?

Was it the Sports Illustrated cover curse? Or was this just the latest example of how the Chicago Cubs cannot get out of their own way?

Last week two things happened: SI put Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, on its cover for its annual “Where Are They Now?” issue (and why that issue doesn’t include a WATN?-themed Pub Memo is beyond me). And, the Cubs embarked on a five-game win streak, including a three-game sweep of the world champion Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park.

Then, on Saturday morning, the Cubs traded two of their best starting pitchers, Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel, to the best team in baseball: the Oakland A’s. That day Chicago lost 13-0 and have lost five in a row overall. Yesterday they were swept in a doubleheader at Cincinnati, blowing a 5-0 lead in the nightcap to lose in the ninth.

Yes, the Cubs raked in some marvelous prospects but they just cashed in their chips on the 2014 season. I guess Theo Epstein’s thinking is, They’ve waited 106 years for a title, they can wait one more.

5. Newport News

This story got buried earlier in the week due to the “shark attack” in Manhattan Beach, but over the Fourth of July weekend a lifeguard in Newport Beach drowned while rescuing a swimmer (who lived). Ben Carlson, a 15-year veteran, was the first lifeguard to die at the popular southern California beach while on duty in the 100-plus year history of the department.

Carlson, 32,3 had made contact with the swimmer in distress when a large wave smacked the pair at about 5 p.m. The swimmer was recovered, and alive, but Carlson’s body was not found until 8 p.m. Read this short profile of Carlson, a man who was living the life he loved.

Where In The World?

Monday: Baa Atoll, Maldives

Remote Patrol

Argentina vs. Netherlands

ESPN 4 p.m.

Pure star power here, with Lionel Messi versus the Dodgy Flapper, Arjen Robben. If you’re Brazil, either outcome is horrible. A Dutch win means an all-European final at your sacred ground, Maracana. An Argentine win means your kid brother/annoying neighbor is playing for the championship on Sunday. I don’t have a prediction, but no one is winning by six goals today.