STARTING FIVE

Jose Altuve, who at 5’5″ may be shorter than his bat, already has 127 hits with another series to go before the All-Star break

1. Get the ‘L’ Out of Here

No more Lastros. Houston not only won last not, not only beat “I Just Cant’ Stop Loving Yu” Darvish, but also completed a three-game sweep of their Texas neighbors, the Rangers, in Arlington, to move out out of the cellar (Ratt reference!). The Astros, now 38-53, had not been out out last place in the AL Central West, after mid-April, since joining the American League at the outset of last season. As Twitter follower James Baker tells me, after 73 games rookie George Springer has one less HR (18) than Yasiel Puig did all of last season in 104 games. And Jose Altuve leads the A.L. in hitting at .339 Oh, and by the way, the Lastros lead the league in Sports Illustrated covers this season with two. Also, the last three teams to grace the cover of SI –Chicago, Houston and Colorado– have suffered six (and running), seven and eight game losing streaks immediately afterward, respectively.

2. He Saw It (Second) Coming

Christ the Redeemer, the Touchdown Jesus of the southern hemisphere, with Maracana in the background.

Argentina is through…Pope Francis, the 267th pope, claims it as his native land. Germany is through…Pope Benedict XVI, the 266th pope, claims it as his native land. So, yes, Men in Blazers, it’s the “World Cup of Popes.” The World Cup final will be played in the shadow of the largest statue of Jesus Christ in the world –don’t come at me with that weak-ass Christ the King statue in Poland s&$*. That latter statue is only “taller” due to its base. You don’t count platform shoes for your official height. There needs to be some friendly papal wager for this game. I’d offer some suggestions, but I still have a very narrow shot (based on Phyllis’ recommendation letters) for a post-mortem interview with St. Peter, so I’ll refrain.

Christ the King statue, in Swiebodzin, Poland. Apparently, Jesus had Nordic ancestry.

By the way, you may know that Peter was the first pope. Do you know the name of the second? Answer after No. 5

3. I Do Not See Platinum Blond

This was German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger at his first World Cup in 2006, in Germany. He looks ready to both mark Zinedane Zidane or crush “White Wedding.”

Schweinsteiger rose to prominence at the 2006 World Cup, which was held in his native Deutschland

And this is Bastian Schweinsteiger now. Slightly less Aryan. Which, by the way, is not an adjective defined as “anything related to Ned and Catelyn’s Stark’s kickass younger daughter.”

And here he was on Tuesday

By the way, it’s not only the World Cup of Popes, it’s the World Cup of SI swimsuit cover models. Heidi Klum has graced the cover once, while Yamila Diaz-Rahi has done so twice.

Klum trolled Brazil –and Gisele–with this pic she posted on Twitter Tuesday.

And here’s Diaz-Rahi, whose parents are of Lebanese and Spanish descent…

At five-foot-seven, Diaz-Rahi is at least as tall as Lionel Messi

4. Loaded Category

Instead of balloting, Tyrion Lannister is proposing “Emmy by Combat”

Let me put it this way: If LeBron James were an actor trying to decide between taking a role in a comedy or a drama, pundits would advise him to go Comedy because the other field is too loaded with talent and he’d never get out of the Emmy nominations. Check out the field for Best Drama, which was announced earlier this morning: Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, True Detective, House of Cards and Downton Abbey. Something to consider: Not a single one of those shows originated on TNT, so you can no longer claim that you “know drama.” Also, none of those shows were spawned from a major network. I have people tell me that House of Cards is the best in this field. I’ve never seen it, so I’m in no position to judge, but WOW. Those first four for me, each one is more deserving of an Emmy than the next. To think that one of them will not win–much less three–and that Modern Family may win again (though Veep should) is a shame. Personally, I’d vote True Detective, but only because you can only choose one. I think the Emmy voters will salute Breaking Bad this year as it will Mad Men the next (as they take their final respective bows) and they’ll tell Marty and Rust that “time is a flat circle, so maybe you’ve already won.”

5. They Had It Coming

And sometimes the pig eats you

If I’m ever appointed Czar of ESPN —Nate Silver gives me a 0.7% chance, but that’s the same chance he gave Germany of scoring seven goals versus Brazil, so I’ll take it– the first thing I do is take the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest off the air (yes, even before Chris Berman). It’s gross, and it’s an insult to animals and the gift of life itself. Why not just have a contest to see who can piss for the longest uninterrupted time interval (I imagine it’s been proposed)? Anyway, Walter Eagle Tail, of South Dakota, died via choking at a hot-dog eating contest in Custer, South Dakota, on the 4th of July. And while I’m sorry for Walter and his family, I’m sorta not sorry for the stupid sport itself. I hope it dies a quicker death than Mr. Eagle Tail, who apparently bit off more than he could chew. In other Darwin Awards nominee news, Bill Hillman, who wrote a chapter of “How To Survive Running with the Bulls”, was gored in the thigh by a bull in Pamplona earlier this week. The bull came within a center of striking the femoral artery. Better luck next time, Bos. I’ll be rooting for you.   Papal answer: Linus

Where in the World?

Yesterday: Jacob’s Ladder on the island of St. Helena, a 699-step staircase that may be the longest straight set of steps in the world.

Hint: This is NOT a city in Michigan.