Starting Five

1. Plane Stupid

Not since Truman Sparks took up Judd Nelson’s Phillip character with a parachute pack loaded with laundry in “Fandango” has sky diving averted such foolish tragedy with plain ol’ dumb luck. Two small planes, 11 parachutists and pilots aboard, attempting a formation jump above Superior, Wisconsin, until the rear plane slams into the forward plane from above (luckily, they had GEICO) at 12,000 feet.

The forward plane bursts into flames, but everyone (including the pilot) leaps out and parachutes to safety. In the other plane, the rear plane, three of the divers are knocked from the aircraft by the force of the impact and the other two jump out. The craft is severely damaged but the pilot lands it safely.

Nobody dies.

(Rule No. 1-A: “Gravity always wins…unless you’re wearing a parachute.”)

The film version of this event, “Gravity, Part 2: Wisconsin Boogaloo” will star Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, and nine computer-animated Packer fans.

2. Flori-Duh, NFL Style

Those of us who have never played in the National Football League would be wise not to transfer our idea of office decorum and colleague protocol to the land of beastly giants. That said, what Richie Incognito said to teammate Jonathan Martin was way, way out of line. Even if intended as a joke –and Martin’s actions in the past 10 days suggest that it wasn’t –it’s just incredibly difficult to defend.

Questions: Incognito was actually one of six Dolphins on the team’s leadership council? And where are the other names, as reports state that while Incognito may have bullied Martin, he did not act alone?

Incognito’s reputation as both a talented offensive tackle and a jerk extend back to his playing days at Nebraska. The Glendale, Ariz., product started his first game as a redshirt freshman for the Cornhuskers and was the starting left tackle as a redshirt sophomore. He also got booted from Nebraska, signed with Oregon, and then was dismissed from the Ducks before ever playing a game for them.

Here’s Paola Boivin of the Arizona Republic, tracing Incognito’s Phoenix-area roots (FWIW, like Incognito, I moved from New Jersey to Arizona as a boy, got bullied a little  [as the new kid, not for being fat], and played football. Maybe I would’ve grown up to be a jerk if I were larger).

As for Miami, one team official told ESPN: “He’s done….from a club perspective, he’ll never play another game here.” But will someone else sign Incognito, a Pro Bowl-caliber lineman, and will Roger Goodell allow it? And will Goodell also address the pernicious hazing system in place in NFL locker rooms?

3. Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves (But Both Exit Wealthier)

Meet Ryan Riess. An East Lansing, Mich., native, Riess is a former K-Mart cashier and a Michigan State graduate (rank those two in any order you please) who a year ago had $2,000 to his name. Then, according to ESPN’s Norman Chad, Riess spent $1,675 of that life savings to enter a poker tournament (talk about going all in) in Hammond, Ind. He finished second and won $239,000

Later today Riess, 23, will play Las Vegas night club promoter Jay Barber, 29, heads up in the Main Event of the World Series of Poker for a cash prize of $8,361,570 (don’t feel too poorly for the runner-up; he’ll pocket, although it will require quite large pockets, $5,174,357).

Riess and Barber were two of the 6,352 players, each paying a buy-in of $10,000, when the Main Event got underway in Las Vegas in July. The field was whittled down to nine players over the course of 11 days, and then (because ESPN has some pull), was suspended until the first week of November so that it can be televised live. The cool part is staying up until after three a.m., as you could have earlier today, to watch the final table be whittled down to two players (the event is televised on a 15-minute delay to eliminate any chances of cheating). The lame part is that at this stage players do not show their hole cards to the built-in table cameras, which makes it far less compelling for the viewer and far more difficult for the Chad and his partner, Lon McEachern. Picture Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden calling a game of Monday Night Football without any access to what is taking place on the offensive side of the line of scrimmage.

Riess, 23, was the youngest player to advance to the final table. No word yet if he’ll come back with the Calvin Johnson jersey today.

4. J.J. Buries J’s

 

Did you hear the one about the former Orlando Magic starter who relocated to the Staples Center and did not struggle?

Okay, it’s waaaayyyyy early in the NBA season, which unofficially begins on Christmas Day, but newly acquired Los Angeles Clipper guard J.J. Redick scored 15 points last night — in the first quarter. The former Dookie finished with a game-high 26 in the Clips’ 137-118 rout of Houston (who started Redick’s former Magic teammate, Dwight Howard).

We are only four games in, but Redick is averaging 17.3 points per game as a starter (the Clips bring Jamal Crawford, who may be the best outside shooter in the league, off the bench). Here’s the nine-year vet’s annual scoring averages beginning with his second season and including this nascent one: 4.1, 6.0, 9.6, 10.1, 11.6, 12.3, 15.1, 17.3.

Someone’s getting the hang of this league.

5. Model S: a Model $

Thursday’s Twitter IPO is garnering all the attention on Wall Street this week, understandably, but you may want to take a look at a surer deal: Tesla. The designer electric car manufacturer, founded by America’s greatest post-Steve Jobs whiz kid, Elon Musk, announces its third quarter earnings report after the closing bell today.

Tesla is the top-selling vehicle overall in Norway, but that may be because Tesla sounds like a nubile Scandinavian fashion model. Either way, projections are that the Model S, with a sticker price of $61,070, is a hit with all those liberal tree-hugger, oh-where-will-the-polar-bears-live? types who amass their fortunes in the arts, or something even more sinister, like consulting.

Anyway, analysts expect Tesla to top guidance in this afternoon’s earnings report. The stock, which opened yesterday at $162 per share, opened today at $180. One analyst has upped his price target to $240. Granted, the stock is already up nearly 600% in the past year, but when has logic ever mattered?

Tesla. As a stock its Apple circa 2003-2011, with wheels.

Reserves

Recognize this couple? You may have heard of their son.

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Is Brian Dennehy as John Wayne Gacy the mayor of Toronto?

I’m not even sure that Richie Incognito is the biggest obese jerk in today’s news. Just ask anyone who lives in Toronto, where the police chief reportedly has a video of Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Ford’s response is not to deny, but to say, “Show us the video.”

Ford’s reputation as a Falstaffian figure (that’s literary-ese for “fat drunk”) is well-established, and there are rumors that police aren’t going after him even harder because he may have ties to a drug-related murder. But maybe Ford’s worst offense, certainly to his Canadian electorate, is that he’s just not nice. And THAT is a capital offense in Ontario’s capitol city.

Those mischievous rakers of muck, “The Daily Show”, half of whose writing staff is Canadian, weighed in last night. “Smoking crack, making racist and homophic remarks…I don’t know much about hockey, but I believe in Canada that’s known as a hat trick.”

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Remote Patrol

World Series of Poker, Final Table

ESPN 9 p.m.

Unlike last night, when my RP listing had an event that won’t air until Wednesday –and on another network than the one I listed — the WSOP will actually air tonight on ESPN at 9 p.m. Maybe someone will address the flopping problem in the sport. Or maybe not.